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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

My Ex wants to stop my new partner from staying at my home when my daughter is here

134 replies

Twigbearmoose · 07/08/2024 19:55

I am absolutely demented by my ex. He was abusive and I eventually split with him after he tried for the umpteenth time to physically throw me out of the house when he was drunk.
I have been in my own home now for 6 months and my daughter is with me every night except Wednesday/Friday and every other Saturday. I have been seeing someone new for a few months and they occasionally stay when my daughter is here.
New partner has not been introduced as anything but a friend to my DD 5, when he stays we do not share a bed and behave as friends.
My ex asked to meet him the last time he was here a d we did that. This sent the ex of on a drinking bender where he was calling, texting constantly. He called my father and told him my new partner was bathing my daughter! Absolute craziness.
I am at my wits end as I believe that ex's concern is not for my daughter. She is fine, she isn't confused and gets along well with my new partner.
I was going to see my new partner on the weekends my ex had my daughter but he said this was not acceptable and my new partner offered to come to me to take some of the stress off.
I would not introduce new partner to my daughter formally unless I was certain he would be a long term fixture. I didn't introduce informally until a couple of months ago. But I struggle to see any harm in mum having a friend stay in the spare room once a month or so.
I loved with my ex in his boxroom for a year and a half until I found a house that was close to her dad. As I wanted as little disruption to her as possible.
I just want to have a little bit of my own life as well.

OP posts:
ZoeCM · 09/08/2024 00:54

I'm surprised that the main view is that he could be a danger to my daughter. I'm her mum, she comes first so I obviously wouldn't put her in any danger.

How can you know he's not a danger to her? You've given a man you've only known a short time access to your daughter's bedroom at night. You're not putting her first, you're putting your love life first.

You see this all the time on parenting forums... mother lists all the ways her children's father was abusive, then adds that within months (or even weeks) of splitting up with him she met a wonderful/lovely/amazing new man and quickly introduced him to her kids.

ZoeCM · 09/08/2024 16:08

TeenLifeMum · 07/08/2024 23:37

Use the Grey rock strategy when interacting with ex.

When a man is introduced to your dc is totally your call. Mn has strong views but I don’t think life is a black and white.

What's "not black and white" about this situation? Surely most people would agree that it's a bad idea for a woman to give a man she doesn't know particularly well access to her daughter's bedroom at night?

TeenLifeMum · 09/08/2024 16:50

@ZoeCM in reality, my experience is new boyfriends start staying over 6-8 months into the relationship. (I’ve been married 20 years so not something I’ve done but unless I’ve been in that situation I don’t feel it’s right to have an opinion)

MeowCatPleaseMeowBack · 09/08/2024 17:09

TeenLifeMum · 09/08/2024 16:50

@ZoeCM in reality, my experience is new boyfriends start staying over 6-8 months into the relationship. (I’ve been married 20 years so not something I’ve done but unless I’ve been in that situation I don’t feel it’s right to have an opinion)

A lot of women do rush to bring men into their children's home. Around 20% of female children are subjected to child sex abuse. These things being so common doesn't make them okay.

Porridgenpots · 09/08/2024 19:08

Yeah I don’t think you need to have been in the situation of being a single parent with a young child to have an opinion on men staying over prematurely. If someone is doing something that unnecessarily puts their child at high risk it’s everyone’s business to speak up or what is society?

I had a single parent friend I used to babysit overnight for regularly in our early 20s. She was very sociable and extroverted, one night she came back at 4am with a male “friend of a friend” from the club that she wanted to stay over in the living room 😵‍💫

She wouldn’t get rid of him ,as he claimed he was locked out of his flat, but I told her no way we could have her child sleeping alone in her bedroom with this man potentially roaming, so she did make adjustments by having her kid sleep in with her. She agreed I had a point and I hope the risk I highlighted was something she considered for future occasions.

Sometimes people just haven’t clocked the risk so it’s everyone’s responsibility to speak up when they see this kind of danger, even if ultimately it is the parents decision.

ZoeCM · 11/08/2024 16:32

TeenLifeMum · 09/08/2024 16:50

@ZoeCM in reality, my experience is new boyfriends start staying over 6-8 months into the relationship. (I’ve been married 20 years so not something I’ve done but unless I’ve been in that situation I don’t feel it’s right to have an opinion)

Why isn't it right to have an opinion if you're not a single mother? It's an objective fact that the OP is putting her daughter at risk. I hate the way society is becoming more worried about seeming "judgy" than about children's safety.

loella88 · 12/08/2024 13:20

I'm a child protection social worker as my profession. I'm telling you now, all these ladies advising you to not have your partner staying in your home this soon are not wrong. Despite what the media will have you believe the biggest risk of sexual abuse is not grooming gangs or a man on the street (though still risks). It's Step Dads. 90% of the sexual abuse cases I have assessed have been Step-Dads/male family friends. You don't know someone unless you have been with them at least a year. It's your responsibility as Mum to ensure your daughter is not put at risk. If you have three nights a week free and only see your partner fortnightly then why can't it fall on one of your free nights?

Getonwitit · 12/08/2024 13:21

You poor child, her life has been turned upside down and instead of helping her through the first year you have thrown yourself into a new relationship weeks after leaving. No matter who's fault the split is, your child's needs should be paramount. Stop trying to force a stranger on her.

gardenmusic · 12/08/2024 13:29

Did I not read this thread a couple of weeks ago?

VEP · 12/08/2024 13:34

Regardless of how long you have been seeing this person, its a control thing.

I think he would be the same if your child wasn't there

Personally, I have had the controlling ex, 400 messages over 2 days, 100's phonecalls to the house - I turned the ringer off and the bastard worked out he could text the housephone, was going off like morse code - had to change the number I had had for 12 years. I blocked him on everything, ended up blocking all his family and asked any mutual friends to either block me or him so he had no contact. Then started turning up at work and the house, then when i was out, walking back and forward past my new boyfriends house, left a note on my car - I am not trying to scare you but he needs warning off, especially if he is a drinker

Personally my ex was warned off by my ex husband and 2 male friends and eventually got the message but I endured 6 months of literal stalking.

Lavenderblue11 · 12/08/2024 13:44

Ex husband is continuing to control you from beyond the relationship. This is classic narcissistic behaviour, he cannot stand to think you have moved on. I don't agree with some other people's statements here, where they are saying it's too soon for you to have a boyfriend, there is no reason you shouldn't be in another relationship now that your abusive ex is out of the picture. Trouble is, abusive ex isn't out of the picture is he? He's continuing to get to you and rule your life beyond the relationship grave. I don't believe for one minute your ex has got your DD's interests at heart here, he's just jealous to fuck and wants to exert 'dominance' over you and your BF with his demands. Take no notice, I would speak to a solicitor to formalise all contact with DD and ex and to keep him from crossing your threshold.
Good luck with the bastard.

PuggyPuggyPuggy · 12/08/2024 13:47

Also I see him once every two weeks hardly the most intense and fast relationship.

So you've seen him approximately 22 times since (let's say) the start of November, and from around the 18th time (if you introduced him "a couple of months ago") he has met your daughter and has been sleeping in your house, with the ability to roam around at will during the night, without even the possibility that he would wake you by getting out of bed?

Several things can be true at once.

Your Ex is a controlling, abusive piece of shit.

You love your daughter and would never put her in danger (knowingly)

You do not know this man remotely well enough to have him in your house while your daughter is there.

Poddledoddle · 12/08/2024 14:02

You've given a lengthy explanation, which you don't need to give, to anyone, including ex. He doesn't get to have a say in who is in his daughter's life when she is with you and vs versa. Tell him he can't manipulate or controll you and you'll be having whoever you want stay over whenever you want.

Elektra1 · 12/08/2024 14:13

My marriage ended just over a year ago and my DD is also 5. I would not have a new partner staying over in any capacity for a long time into the new relationship, and would introduce them very slowly. Kids pick up on a lot. You may think she thinks he's your "friend" but do you often have other male friends stay over?

Regardless of your ex's unreasonable behaviour, I would prioritise what is best for your DD's emotional stability after what has clearly been a tumultuous time for her.

Ohhawtdang · 12/08/2024 14:24

Ex sounds a massive bellend,

but I honestly cannot get over you thinking this is okay. He shouldn’t be anymore near your home while she is home. Certainly not staying the night. Utter selfishness and the fact you can’t see the risks tells me you aren’t prepared to see them, not that they don’t exist.

Welshmonster · 12/08/2024 14:38

According to everyone this new man must be a predator and you need to stay single forever and never have a man over.

tell your child that he is your boyfriend if that is what you want and if you don’t want to use that word then maybe it’s time to end the relationship if it’s not going anywhere

your ex can do one. He has no control over you anymore. If you want to go see your man and stay over at his when you are child free then that’s his issue. Not yours. Watch he doesn’t start doing this like not turning up so you can’t go.

if he had a new girlfriend then he wouldn’t be as careful as you. Plus she probably would be bathing your daughter and women can also be predators.

Temporarynamechange102 · 12/08/2024 15:30

Far too soon to have a man around your daughter, friend or otherwise.

Ivehearditbothways · 12/08/2024 16:04

Welshmonster · 12/08/2024 14:38

According to everyone this new man must be a predator and you need to stay single forever and never have a man over.

tell your child that he is your boyfriend if that is what you want and if you don’t want to use that word then maybe it’s time to end the relationship if it’s not going anywhere

your ex can do one. He has no control over you anymore. If you want to go see your man and stay over at his when you are child free then that’s his issue. Not yours. Watch he doesn’t start doing this like not turning up so you can’t go.

if he had a new girlfriend then he wouldn’t be as careful as you. Plus she probably would be bathing your daughter and women can also be predators.

That’s not at all what anyone has said. And it’s an idiotic way to present an argument.

“it’s too soon to have him staying over with your child there” is not the same as “you must stay single forever and never have a man around.”

I know some people really struggle with reading comprehension, but it’s just not an excuse to make statements up and then use them to make an argument against the very common sense advice people have given.

TinyFlamingo · 12/08/2024 16:30

I'm sure you're really triggered and not reading anymore but we are not on his side.
Being from an abusive relationship with only 6m, how have you healed, how have you had time to reset from the abuse?
You haven't and so your decisions will be heavily impacted by that, even subconsciously. Fast forwarding a new relationship if you're in then it's over right? I'm the rearview mirror. You are overly trusting because not every man is an abuser? You want to feel better. You want to start your new life. You want to be happy. You deserve it.
I get it.
But this is your first major relationship, and you're barely out of the last abusive one. Is it a rebound? Is it the first of many? Is it one that will last a long time? Nobody can know. Please get some therapy, do the freedom project, and spend your time with your daughter. And just for now, spend it 1:1 with her. And seem him bi-weekly on your child free times. You can do both deserve this time, as a parent/child and as a BF/GF (sorry I can't say partner, it's too new).
If he's the good guy you think he is, he'll wait, he'll be ok to slow down and if he doesn't and isn't he isn't the right one, believe him when he shows you who he is.
Try and dig deep, I believe you believe you're putting her first, I don't think you're doing anything wrong, but I don't think you're quite yourself either (how could you be?)

You are 100% right.Your ex doesn't get a say. So don't yell him your plans. Don't engage. Put a boundary in and don't give him access and power over you, because of he is still that close you're still being abused at arms length, triggered, and you can't trust your judgement of your decisions are reactions to him. Trying to feel safe and steady doesn't come from another man, it comes from you feeling safe and steady and him and his behaviour doesn't rock you anymore.
Everyone here is just trying to support you, as hard as it is to hear. They aren't siding with your ex. They are siding with you and your daughter, just in a way you weren't expecting to hear.
Please be careful with your daughter, yourself, and do the work. You can do that and have a boyfriend. Try not to form unhealthy attachments for her and yourself while you're recovering ❤️‍🩹 🙏🏻 ❤️‍🩹 🙏🏻

beanii · 12/08/2024 16:48

Twigbearmoose · 07/08/2024 19:55

I am absolutely demented by my ex. He was abusive and I eventually split with him after he tried for the umpteenth time to physically throw me out of the house when he was drunk.
I have been in my own home now for 6 months and my daughter is with me every night except Wednesday/Friday and every other Saturday. I have been seeing someone new for a few months and they occasionally stay when my daughter is here.
New partner has not been introduced as anything but a friend to my DD 5, when he stays we do not share a bed and behave as friends.
My ex asked to meet him the last time he was here a d we did that. This sent the ex of on a drinking bender where he was calling, texting constantly. He called my father and told him my new partner was bathing my daughter! Absolute craziness.
I am at my wits end as I believe that ex's concern is not for my daughter. She is fine, she isn't confused and gets along well with my new partner.
I was going to see my new partner on the weekends my ex had my daughter but he said this was not acceptable and my new partner offered to come to me to take some of the stress off.
I would not introduce new partner to my daughter formally unless I was certain he would be a long term fixture. I didn't introduce informally until a couple of months ago. But I struggle to see any harm in mum having a friend stay in the spare room once a month or so.
I loved with my ex in his boxroom for a year and a half until I found a house that was close to her dad. As I wanted as little disruption to her as possible.
I just want to have a little bit of my own life as well.

There was no need to introduce your new partner to your ex.

If it's your house then ultimately it's your say - unless he has reasonable grounds to contest it.

Niknakcake · 12/08/2024 17:08

Way too fast. I knew my ex as a friend of a friend for 2 years before I even introduced him as a friend to the kids. Another year before I introduced him as a boyfriend… fast forward another 8 years and I found out he was abusing my daughter. Do NOT take risks with your kids. Keep your love life separate from them. There is no need to mix the two

Porridgenpots · 12/08/2024 18:24

Oh no, I didn’t expect to read that ending - so sorry to hear that @Niknakcake hope your daughter got some support for her trauma and she’s doing OK now and you too.

Good advice.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/08/2024 18:27

millymollymoomoo · 07/08/2024 20:41
Well he doesn’t get to dictate
**
but you have moved fast and brought this guy into your young daughters home way too fast”

Agree with this. If I’ve read your post correctly, it’s been just 6 months since you moved out from the family home into your own and you already have a new partner staying over? Is that so?

Bored86 · 12/08/2024 18:28

Your ex sounds like a complete idiot and I obviously do not condone any abusive behaviour. To allow a man you barely know to sleep in the same
house as your daughter is completely irresponsible and I agree with his concerns.

Ohwhydidntijustkeepmymouthshut · 12/08/2024 19:55

A few things I don’t understand. Your boyfriend was abusive and terrible to be around so you continued to live in his spare room for 6 months?
during this time you started a new relationship and your ex boyfriend didn’t have any issues with this? I presume your nex boyfriend didn’t stay over at your ex’s home?
why can’t you continue to do what you were doing during this time and stay at his or see him the nights you have off?
mid your ex didn’t have an issue with you seeing someone else before why do you think he has now? Maybe his concerns are genuine?
you being her mum does not automatically mean you are shielding her from danger. I doubt anyone does that purposefully, but you are not making her your priority.
you have just left one abusive relationship why the rush to run into another relationship so soon? You both need time to heal, introducing another ‘special friend’ so soon is not fair on your child. Regardless of the title you put on it, I presume you don’t have any other special friends staying over once a month? You might as well drop the pretence.

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