My Ex wants to stop my new partner from staying at my home when my daughter is here

[Twigbearmoose]

I am absolutely demented by my ex. He was abusive and I eventually split with him after he tried for the umpteenth time to physically throw me out of the house when he was drunk.
I have been in my own home now for 6 months and my daughter is with me every night except Wednesday/Friday and every other Saturday. I have been seeing someone new for a few months and they occasionally stay when my daughter is here.
New partner has not been introduced as anything but a friend to my DD 5, when he stays we do not share a bed and behave as friends.
My ex asked to meet him the last time he was here a d we did that. This sent the ex of on a drinking bender where he was calling, texting constantly. He called my father and told him my new partner was bathing my daughter! Absolute craziness.
I am at my wits end as I believe that ex's concern is not for my daughter. She is fine, she isn't confused and gets along well with my new partner.
I was going to see my new partner on the weekends my ex had my daughter but he said this was not acceptable and my new partner offered to come to me to take some of the stress off.
I would not introduce new partner to my daughter formally unless I was certain he would be a long term fixture. I didn't introduce informally until a couple of months ago. But I struggle to see any harm in mum having a friend stay in the spare room once a month or so.
I loved with my ex in his boxroom for a year and a half until I found a house that was close to her dad. As I wanted as little disruption to her as possible.
I just want to have a little bit of my own life as well.

I agree with those saying prioritise your daughter and only see the guy overnight when she's not around. Sorry OP.

9 months, you see him once a fortnight, so 18 times, and he has access to your daughter at night-time without you there? And he has since you had met him maybe 10/12 times?

I would expect an absolute roasting on here if I said I met up with a bloke 12 times over a few months and he was sleeping at my house with my kids here.

Sadly many mothers don't put ther kids first, many put their love life first and don't even realise that's what they have done until something bad happens.

What is the benefit of this bloke being around your kid at nighttime vs what could go wrong? The benefit is nothing, and what could go wrong is catastrophic.

I'm her mum, she comes first so I obviously wouldn't put her in any danger.

You are putting her in danger and it's worrying you can't see that. Why do you think lying to her that he's a "friend" makes it any more safe?

(Sorry if this font looks huge to anyone else, I don't know how it happened or how to change it!)

But clearly your daughter doesn’t come first. Your whole argument is absolutely ridiculous. You have a man you do not really know sleeping in your spare room? Why? Your abusive ex sounds right on this one. Look after your child properly- you are meant to protect her.
i can’t believe your absolute sense of being right on this.

@MeowCatPleaseMeowBack i think the good worked at getting attention at least but it’s most likely op will ignore it anyway. Surely we can’t all be right?

Sorry but agree with all the posters here. Please tell us you’ve at least done a Claire’s law and Valerie’s law check on him? Especially before overnight.

If you’ve engaged with dv services previously and had any support to prevent revictimisation they would have advised you to do this. if he reports to SS I would imagine they would have expected to see this done too.

He should only be staying round on nights when your DD isn’t there. If he is staying, it absolutely should be in the same room.

No mother knowingly brings a child abuser into their home so suggesting that wouldn't happen because you are a good Mum and put your daughter first is a little bit naive.
Paedophiles often target single Mums especially ones that are vulnerable and have been in previously abusive relationships, they also often play the long game.
It's basically safeguarding facts I'm sorry.

Your update of only seeing him once every two weeks makes this WORSE op. So you've met him less than 29 times and you open the door to him where your dd is?

That is really bad op, there's no other way of saying it.

Also, what's the point? If you only see him once every 2 weeks why not see him on one of the 4 days you don't have your daughter?

*20 times

She is fine, she isn't confused and gets along well with my new partner.

Next thing the op will be back to say her 5 year old adores the new man. 🙄

He's not a partner but a new boyfriend and should not have access to your daughter without you there which you have given him. Whether he he abuses your trust or not, you've given him access. You really do need to stop him staying over hon.

@Twigbearmoose did you think your ex was abusive when you met him? When you moved in with him? When you had his child?

Its not always easy to recognise abusive men, so you don’t know yet if the new one is a good guy.

It’s too soon.

A dear friend was in an abusive relationship for years. She left and met a much nicer man- who it turned out after she’d had him staying regularly has previous for assault. She got shot as soon as she found out, but that wasn’t until a malicious accusation had been made, leading to social service involvement.

It’s too soon. You aren’t a good picker, you know that.

Agree with most others on the thread. I would add, your idea of “a long time” needs a reset. Nothing measured in months (as opposed to years) counts as a long time in the type of context under discussion here. The slower and steadier things go, the better.

Like many on the thread, I’m speaking from experience as a mum who has gone through the process of introducing a new partner to my young kids (5+ years ago now).

It is not a good idea to make things unclear to your dd by saying he’s a friend. Be clear and authentic in your dealings with your dd, and slow the heck down.

I don't understand the rush to have him meet your daughter and stay over when she's there, especially as you have regular child-fred nights.

Was it you or him driving this happening?

Also I see him once every two weeks hardly the most intense and fast relationship
Then why can't you see him when she's with her dad? People aren't being hysterical, its a very real danger and unfortunately far from rare. Him being in the spare room doesn't make if better. You've know him less than a year. Him staying overnight when you're DDs there isn't taking things slow or putting her first or protecting her. This is a very real danger and you have nights he can stay without her being exposed to potential danger, just see him those nights instead.

Way too much too soon. Your kid has been let down once. Focus on her, not your sex life.

What's the difference between the initial 'informal' introduction and the later 'formal' introduction when you have decided that he's around for the long term?

Sorry. That Gif wasn't meant to be in my message and I'm on my phone so can't edit.

I agree with the sentiment in here too @Twigbearmoose . You can’t really know what your daughter is thinking though. I doubt as young as she is that she doesn’t know this is a romantic relationship.

But phrases such as “you’re not a good picker” really do smack of victim blaming.

Your ex can butt out of your life and fuck right off but I agree that it's inappropriate to have a man staying over at this stage. Since November is virtually nothing. You are still in honeymoon period and have no way to know if this will last.

I doubt he's any danger but given what a bastard your ex is, you do need to be cautious about whether you have a habit of picking men who seem lovely at first but then turn out to be bastards. It's too early to tell with this one. Anyone can pretend to be a nice guy for a few months.

The reason you need to wait for much much longer before your dd knows this is a friend who has sleepovers isn't about what's happening now, it's about the whole course of the next 5 years or so. If this relationship lasts then that's all very well.
But think about how your daughter experiences it if you break up some time in the next 6 months, and then your DD asks why doesn't Alan come over for sleepovers any more, and it's because mummy and Alan aren't really friends any more. And then a few months later mummy's friend Billy starts coming over for occasional sleepovers, but 6 months to a year or so later mummy isn't friends with Billy any more. And then a few months later mummy's friend Charlie comes over for occasional sleepovers and by this time your daughter is 8 or 9 and is beginning to put 2 and 2 together. It's not a stable environment for a child and it's not a good way to teach her about relationships.

My rule would be no sleepovers except when DD is elsewhere, until the relationship is at least 2 years along and you are seriously thinking about making it permanent. Then sleepovers are a good way to gradually assess whether a new family format will work for DD. Her best interests need to be prioritised over your sex life.

Her best interests need to be prioritised over your sex life.

That ship has sailed.

Why is there always a big rush to get with a new boyfriend? Why not show your daughter how nice life is when it's just you two? Focus on that. You don't need a man.

I'll add to the chorus here

Your ex has absolutely no right to dictate what goes on in your home or who you see and given the backstory he very well be motivated by controlling you more than anything else. I would not engage in any discussions about this with him because it simply isn't his business.

BUT

This new boyfriend shouldn't be sleeping over while your DD is there or spending significant amounts of time around him where she may form a strong attachment. I'm sorry, but it's been 9 months and your daughter has been through enough upheaval and change. He can come over when your DD is at her dad's; you said he only stays over every couple of weeks as is, so that shouldn't be a massive issue. You seem to be thinking that not introducing him as your partner explicitly is a workaround, but your 5 year old doesn't understand sexual relationships or labels like boyfriend vs friend so that's not particularly relevant. It's just a potential cycle of unstable attachment for her.

I'm also surprised that everyone agrees with my ex.
No one here is focused on your ex. His opinion is irrelevant. We're focused on your DD.

It’s really worrying that you can’t see the danger and risk you’re posing to your daughter by rushing a man you met 5 minutes ago into her home. Of course you think he’s great, everyone can appear great in the honeymoon phase. Take time to get to know someone properly before taking the monumental step to give them access to your child. Sorry but I agree with PPs, you’re putting your sex/ romantic life above your daughter. She just needs you and stability now, not another man.

Use the Grey rock strategy when interacting with ex.

When a man is introduced to your dc is totally your call. Mn has strong views but I don’t think life is a black and white.