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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

My Ex wants to stop my new partner from staying at my home when my daughter is here

134 replies

Twigbearmoose · 07/08/2024 19:55

I am absolutely demented by my ex. He was abusive and I eventually split with him after he tried for the umpteenth time to physically throw me out of the house when he was drunk.
I have been in my own home now for 6 months and my daughter is with me every night except Wednesday/Friday and every other Saturday. I have been seeing someone new for a few months and they occasionally stay when my daughter is here.
New partner has not been introduced as anything but a friend to my DD 5, when he stays we do not share a bed and behave as friends.
My ex asked to meet him the last time he was here a d we did that. This sent the ex of on a drinking bender where he was calling, texting constantly. He called my father and told him my new partner was bathing my daughter! Absolute craziness.
I am at my wits end as I believe that ex's concern is not for my daughter. She is fine, she isn't confused and gets along well with my new partner.
I was going to see my new partner on the weekends my ex had my daughter but he said this was not acceptable and my new partner offered to come to me to take some of the stress off.
I would not introduce new partner to my daughter formally unless I was certain he would be a long term fixture. I didn't introduce informally until a couple of months ago. But I struggle to see any harm in mum having a friend stay in the spare room once a month or so.
I loved with my ex in his boxroom for a year and a half until I found a house that was close to her dad. As I wanted as little disruption to her as possible.
I just want to have a little bit of my own life as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twigbearmoose · 07/08/2024 19:56

*lived NOT loved

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 07/08/2024 19:59

It’s unfortunate that ex is so explosive and unpredictable. You’ve tried the reasonable things I think now you just don’t involve him at all in your private life. Draw a boundary and stick to it. Don’t react if possible. Continue developing your own life which is not his concern anymore.

YouLookLikeStevieNicks · 07/08/2024 20:05

Your ex sounds unreasonable in general, but I do think you're moving a bit fast sorry. Unless you knew this person a good amount of time before you got together, I don't think you should be having someone you've only known a few months staying in your house with your daughter.

In fact in some ways, I think the fact he sleeps in the spare room is worse. Sorry to be harsh but my best friend growing up was abused by her mum's boyfriend. You just can't be too careful.

Of course you deserve to move on and be happy, but I'd only have him stay on the nights your daughter isn't there for at least a year.

millymollymoomoo · 07/08/2024 20:41

Well he doesn’t get to dictate

but you have moved fast and brought this guy into your young daughters home way too fast

nocoolnamesleft · 07/08/2024 20:43

Your ex sounds like an utter bastard. But honestly it sounds very early for your DD to have even met this bloke, let alone have him staying the night in the same house.

FatmanandKnobbin · 07/08/2024 20:46

Your ex sounds like a twat, and having a meeting with the new guy was probably a bad idea, caving into demands like this just makes him feel like his opinion on your life is more important than it actually is.

However, having a guy you've been seeing for a few months, so what? 12/16 weeks? Sleeping in your house with your child, and not even in a place you can keep an eye on him is a dangerous game indeed.

AudHvamm · 07/08/2024 20:51

I read OP as having been separated for 2 years, 1.5 still living with ex and 6 months on her own. She may have been in this relationship for a year or more and says she introduced new partner to her daughter a few months ago. I don't think that's moving too fast.

AnotherNaCha · 07/08/2024 20:51

Yes I agree, I think this would be really confusing (and potentially unsafe) for your daughter - even if you do go on to formalise it, that would mess with her. Children also sense something is not as it seems and imagine her confusion if she spots you kissing or the like? Also, having been in abusive relationships myself, we are not the best judge of new people on the back of them! So please be careful and just go and stay at your new friends house instead when your ex has your daughter. It’s none of his business what you do on your own time

SuzieGlass · 07/08/2024 20:54

He doesn’t get to dictate what happens in your home.

However, please protect your daughter. She’s five. A strange man shouldn’t have access to her.

Notmycircusnotmyotter · 07/08/2024 21:04

It's very early days to have him around your daughter. You barely know him, you're putting her at risk.

anon2022anon · 07/08/2024 21:08

Firstly, you have absolutely no reason to have someone you've only known a few months around a 5 year old who's only recently moved into a single parent household, from what sounds like an abusive home previously. She needs stability, and if you're getting 2 or 3 nights child free every week, you really can keep your life separate.

Secondly- stop telling your ex ANYTHING about your life. It's none of his business what you do on his nights. Untangle yourself from him, keep your mouth quiet about everything, and enjoy a life he's not part of. Grey rock the hell out of him.

GinForBreakfast · 07/08/2024 21:09

Agree with virtually everyone else. Ignore your ex, he has no right to dictate to you but overnights with someone who you have just started seeing is not a good idea.

Arconialiving · 07/08/2024 21:12

YouLookLikeStevieNicks · 07/08/2024 20:05

Your ex sounds unreasonable in general, but I do think you're moving a bit fast sorry. Unless you knew this person a good amount of time before you got together, I don't think you should be having someone you've only known a few months staying in your house with your daughter.

In fact in some ways, I think the fact he sleeps in the spare room is worse. Sorry to be harsh but my best friend growing up was abused by her mum's boyfriend. You just can't be too careful.

Of course you deserve to move on and be happy, but I'd only have him stay on the nights your daughter isn't there for at least a year.

This!

Figgygal · 07/08/2024 21:17

Bastard or no he's right on this one if you've only been with this new man a few months.

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 07/08/2024 21:31

I agree with this…. You shouldn’t need your boyfriend around so much. I only introduced my kids to my partner 2 years in when we were in an established relationship as I’ve seen some children see a merry go round of Mother’s boyfriends and it’s not good on the kids or fair to have this state of flux. Park what your ex is saying to one side as he can’t control you but I think you should slow down.
My children are tween / teens and I asked them if it was ok for partner to stay over once they got to know him and it was gradual. He will move in next year - slow and stable best for kids.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 07/08/2024 22:01

I have been seeing someone new for a few months

I didn't introduce informally until a couple of months ago

So you'd been seeing someone new for a few weeks before introducing them to your 5 year old and letting them sleep over...in a separate room where they could be doing anything at night with your 5 year old in the house?

And you're worried about how your ex has reacted? Give your head a wobble ffs

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 07/08/2024 22:02

AudHvamm · 07/08/2024 20:51

I read OP as having been separated for 2 years, 1.5 still living with ex and 6 months on her own. She may have been in this relationship for a year or more and says she introduced new partner to her daughter a few months ago. I don't think that's moving too fast.

Edited

She literally says its been a few months

Original poster
Twigbearmoose · 07/08/2024 22:07

I have been seeing my new partner since last November. So it was a long time before I introduced my daughter to my new partner. I'm surprised that the main view is that he could be a danger to my daughter. I'm her mum, she comes first so I obviously wouldn't put her in any danger. I'm also surprised that everyone agrees with my ex. I have not introduced this man as a partner and I'm incredibly careful about my interactions with him around her. Also I see him once every two weeks hardly the most intense and fast relationship. I could understand hysteria if I had moved him in or told her he was a boyfriend. I can't expect much more on here because you don't know me or my daughter and I don't know you.

OP posts:
StSwithinsDay · 07/08/2024 22:10

But I struggle to see any harm in mum having a friend stay in the spare room once a month or so.
When he is in the spare room, where is your 5 year old? In with you?

namenamification · 07/08/2024 22:10

I’m sorry you don’t like the opinions, but I’m another one who thinks this is too fast for your daughter, and worse rather than better that you have introduced him as “a friend”. That’s just going to blur boundaries and confuse her.

StSwithinsDay · 07/08/2024 22:15

She is also a victim of her father's abusive behaviour. In her 5 years she must have witnessed a lot of trauma.

PoopedAndScooped · 07/08/2024 22:17

I dont believe a new partner should be staying in your house with your child so soon but thats just me

DoesthislookgoodOnMe · 07/08/2024 22:17

Come on @Twigbearmoose you said a few months and now it’s since November. Even if it was, it’s still too soon if you are now not seeing him often when in your op it sounded quite regular with the sleepovers.
A lot of the advice here comes from women with real experience in real life, me included so I think it’s quite naieve to dismiss it all.
Get to know your boyfriend properly. Mine stayed on the nights I didn’t have the kids and I really got to know him by spending this alone time a few days at a time. I know it’s not what you want to hear but how well can you know someone after 9-10 months ?

Starseeking · 07/08/2024 22:20

From an objective perspective you absolutely should not have a man you've known for a few months staying overnight with your 5 year old DD. Even worse he's in the spare room, so it's not like you can have eyes on him all night.

You shouldn't need your abusive EX to tell you that, your mother's instinct should be telling you that.

Your focus is in the wrong place.

Ponderingwindow · 07/08/2024 22:20

Less than a year and he is staying in your home is not taking it slow.

and it’s clear we need to be explicit. How can you be 100% certain that while you are sleeping he does not leave his room and go into your daughter’s room?