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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

My Ex wants to stop my new partner from staying at my home when my daughter is here

134 replies

Twigbearmoose · 07/08/2024 19:55

I am absolutely demented by my ex. He was abusive and I eventually split with him after he tried for the umpteenth time to physically throw me out of the house when he was drunk.
I have been in my own home now for 6 months and my daughter is with me every night except Wednesday/Friday and every other Saturday. I have been seeing someone new for a few months and they occasionally stay when my daughter is here.
New partner has not been introduced as anything but a friend to my DD 5, when he stays we do not share a bed and behave as friends.
My ex asked to meet him the last time he was here a d we did that. This sent the ex of on a drinking bender where he was calling, texting constantly. He called my father and told him my new partner was bathing my daughter! Absolute craziness.
I am at my wits end as I believe that ex's concern is not for my daughter. She is fine, she isn't confused and gets along well with my new partner.
I was going to see my new partner on the weekends my ex had my daughter but he said this was not acceptable and my new partner offered to come to me to take some of the stress off.
I would not introduce new partner to my daughter formally unless I was certain he would be a long term fixture. I didn't introduce informally until a couple of months ago. But I struggle to see any harm in mum having a friend stay in the spare room once a month or so.
I loved with my ex in his boxroom for a year and a half until I found a house that was close to her dad. As I wanted as little disruption to her as possible.
I just want to have a little bit of my own life as well.

OP posts:

HermioneMakepeace0 · 07/08/2024 23:39

Doubt she’ll be back.

StarDolphins · 07/08/2024 23:39

Honestly, I think it’s a big mistake to have your bf (even acting as friends) staying over. Your child has been through a lot already & shouldn’t even have met him at all imo. Keep it all separate & give your child you & stability.

Yoir ex doesn’t get to dictate your life though.

jmh740 · 07/08/2024 23:43

Ex doesn't get to dictate but I think its too soon for your daughter it doesn't matter to her if he's a friend or a boyfriend what happens if you split up and he disappears from her life.
Also if he's in the spare room you don't know what he's doing. Why can't you just see him while your dd is at her dad's?

MonsteraMama · 07/08/2024 23:47

I'm incredibly careful about my interactions with him around her

Lady, no one is worried about your interactions with him in front of her FFS. They're worried about you letting a man you barely know (yes, you barely know him, once every two weeks for 8/9 months is nothing. What's that 18-20 days total? Fuck all) into your house around your five year old daughter. Can you seriously not understand why this is concerning to people?

Abusers don't wear a big sign. You say you wouldn't put her in danger, but you actively have potentially done so by bringing a man you really don't know from Adam into her home.

Please tell me she's sleeping in with you when you're in separate beds when he's over?

thursdaymurderclub · 07/08/2024 23:49

i wonder what the Op would say if her ex started introcuding their 5 year old DD too his new 'friend'? the shoe would be on the other foot then i guess!

i'm afraid i don't believe he stays 'in the spare room' and OP is fooling no one with that comment.

too much too soon for DD.

Ivehearditbothways · 07/08/2024 23:53

You’ve only known him since November and only see him every 2 weeks… you don’t know him then, do you. Not well enough to have him in your home with your child. And he sleeps in a different room from you? So, you actually don’t know what he does during the night or if your child is safe. He isn’t having to sneak out of your bed or anything. He’s alone and has free reign.

I’m not saying it a real threat or he is doing anything; I’m just pointing out how easy it would be for him, and how badly you have handled this. Really poor choice to have him in your home around your child after such a short time, and especially poor to have him sleeping over.

(I’m a single parent and have been with my new guy for 7 months. I haven’t even considered introducing him to my kids, not yet, no way.)

Porridgenpots · 07/08/2024 23:55

OP you didn’t wait a long time before you introduced him to your daughter at all. You met him in November which is 9 or 10 months ago and if he’s been introduced a while ago it sounds like you introduced him after less than 6 months.

My friend didn’t let her kids of a similar age to yours meet her partner for two years. That can be more accurately described as a long time.

You sound breathtakingly naive and it’s frightening. I used to work in the criminal justice system and also social services and the amount of kids abused by their mums boyfriend is staggering.

I read some really harrowing things that literally made me vomit in the staff toilets.

Why take the risk when it can be so easily avoided? surely it’s better for both of you to only meet on the nights you don’t have her?

Franjipanl8r · 08/08/2024 00:00

Stop the sleepovers at yours. There’s no need for them, it’s horrible for children to have random men in the spare room. She’s too young to vocalise her concerns or discomfort.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 08/08/2024 00:04

You let an unrelated man that you don't know very well stay in the same house as your vulnerable 5 year old daughter? And he is in the spare room not even in with you where you can be absolutely sure about his whereabouts. You sound crazy not your ex. Men understand what other men are capable of.

RosyappleA · 08/08/2024 00:09

This is a lot for your DD to deal with OP I have a 5 year old and know they cannot be fooled but will just stay quiet with you but tell other people behind your back.
What if it doesn’t work out? It is a lot of instability in a short space of time so I would want to be sure this person was good long term. I also wouldn’t trust anyone around DD that soon. Abusers are people we know and a statistic says 1 in 20 kids experience sexual abuse of some sort. Your ex will likely calm down in time, keep living your life but I would see him only on the days DD isn’t with you.

Chocolatepeanutbuttercupsandicecream · 08/08/2024 00:11

OP.. I get (if you’re still reading this) that some of what has been said sounds fairly harsh, but honestly.. I really wish I had taken the advice posters are giving you tonight. Instead, I spent the first few years of my dcs’ lives moving from one unhealthy or abusive or just plain ill thought out relationship to another. I never thought I was putting them at risk. But I was.
It took me way too long to break the cycle (although I did) but you still have time to dial things back.

OfficerChurlish · 08/08/2024 00:19

The wording in your original post was confusing because it said I have been seeing someone new for a few months and they occasionally stay when my daughter is here and then I didn't introduce informally until a couple of months ago. It sounds like you'd been seeing him for around three months and introduced them two months ago. I see you updated though to say that you've been dating the new guy since last November.

I think there are two almost separate considerations - (1) not introducing her to someone as your boyfriend and (possibly in her mind) a potential new/future parent figure when the relationship may not last, which you've explained you haven't, and (2) whether you know the person staying well enough to trust him in the house with your child overnight. While a friend who stays regularly and who the child likes possibly disappearing isn't great either, I think the safety concern is the bigger one. You're still getting to know this man. And previous posters aren't "hysterical" (horrible, misogynistic term!), they're cautious because experience has shown that terrible things can and do happen in such cases, and the consequences of those are so terrible that it's well worth considerable effort to avoid.

I was going to see my new partner on the weekends my ex had my daughter but he said this was not acceptable and my new partner offered to come to me to take some of the stress off. Who said it was unacceptable, your ex? You must know that that is ridiculous; he has your shared child during the time he's mandated to have her (and he's still doing less than his fair half) and it's none of his business what you do during that time as long as you hand over your child and take her back as scheduled. How would he even know what you're doing? I'd go back to this original plan if I were you.

Biggaybear · 08/08/2024 00:29

Firstly you need to heal from the abusive relationship you've just come out of. 6 months from that is no time.

Secondly I dont believe he is sleeping in the spare room ? Why doesn't he go home If he's not sleeping with you.

Thirdly......he cant be a decent man if he thinks all of this ok. A decent man would say that it's far too soon & leave you to spend time with your daughter.

All of this is far far too soon. You d9nt know how things are going to pan out. What's the rush? Why not dare normally & see him when your daughter is not around.

And if this bloke doesn't work out what happens when you want to date again ? How long will it be before the next man is staying over "in the spare room". I have first hand experience how it could play out & it's not pretty. The woman in question no longer has contact with her daughter & only sees her sons once every few months. All because she chose her new boyfriend over her kids.

ZenNudist · 08/08/2024 00:31

Your ex is right. You are being incredibly naive. Stop the "friend" sleepovers. Do it when DD isn't there. You've known him very little time. Even if it wasn't quite a big risk to take then you run the risk of parading successive boyfriends through your young DDs life. Just keep your private life private until its much more long term and stable.

JFDIYOLO · 08/08/2024 00:35

I can't believe I'm saying this but ... Your abusive controlling ex is right.

He's concerned about a strange man potentially being able to get at his daughter.

So many women here have horror stories about their experiences with mum's new boyfriend.

Any man who wants to spend the night in the home of an abused woman and her abused little girl needs looking at carefully.

And even if he's absolutely fine (which you DON'T know because you aren't that well acquainted with him yet) ...

It's Far. Too. Soon.

Think of your daughter. Not yourself. She comes first.

DoIWantTo · 08/08/2024 00:35

Another one agreeing that it’s far far too soon. You’ve only lived alone for 6 months, your daughters had enough upheaval and instability in her life and you’ve just left an abusive relationship. Focus on yourself and your daughter, leave relationships for when you’re both in a much more stable place.

urbanbuddha · 08/08/2024 00:37

It is early days to be introducing a new partner to your daughter. Just dial it down for now. She has to come to terms with where her life is just now, and she will learn how relationships work by how you and her father interact now. Focus on her stability by building a more congenial relationship with your ex where you can be civil, even pleasant to one another. If your new partner is worth anything he’ll understand.

Remaker · 08/08/2024 00:52

Why does your boyfriend want to sleep over in the spare room when your 5yo DD is there? Surely if he’s only staying occasionally it would be better to choose nights when she’s away and you can act as a couple. Whose idea are these sleepovers?

Opine · 08/08/2024 01:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

maryberryslayers · 08/08/2024 01:15

There is literally no need for this man to be in your spare room. If he's not staying to share your bed then he can go home.

He could be up abusing your daughter in the night and you would have no idea.

Predators pray on vulnerable single mums, they play the long game, mr nice guy. It's the only way they get what they want.

Have him over when she's not there until you actually get to know him, years not months.

Your ex sounds awful and controlling but I wouldn't be happy if someone put my child at risk.

Balloonhearts · 08/08/2024 01:24

I'd not be having a man I had only known less than a year staying overnight in a house with my 5 year old daughter. Especially in the spare room where he could get up in the night and go wandering and you'd have no idea. The amount of children sexually abused by their parents boyfriends is significant.

Sugarnspicenallthingsnaice · 08/08/2024 01:32

I'm sorry about your ex being such a bastard, but I'm afraid I agree with the others.

Your daughter needs time to recover from her past and adjust to her new, safe way of life with you without any more upheaval. You get 3 nights a fortnight to date, that's not so bad.

anywhichone · 08/08/2024 05:20

I said I'd wait a year to introduce my new bf. But actually I did it after about 6 months because I knew it was serious. But he was a friend of a friend, so literally my childhood friend who I had known twenty years had known him and his family for ten plus years..I wouldn't have done it so quickly with someone I literally only met on first date.

But regardless dial your life back from your ex don't tell him where you're going, what you are doing when you have your dd and when you don't. Limit texts to child arrangements only ignore anything else.

Edingril · 08/08/2024 05:25

He has no right to dictate but don't do this to your child

HoppingPavlova · 08/08/2024 05:30

The timeframe and set up you describe is really inappropriate.

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