DD 16 saying the alimony is hers

[BlackStrayCat]

Just that really. She says it is her money, the food in the fridge is all hers. Not mine.

She has had a complete personality transplant. What do I do?
(Court ordered with me 100%)

She has changed 180. I have sacrificed everything for her. Everything.

Haven’t read the full thread but..
WHY do people allow their teen children to rule them? Why do they fear them? Why do they allow them to rule the roost? Get a grip and be the adult.

Not really, I don’t understand why you don’t have your own money, not sure why you’ve got an issue with the question? Why this is an issue? As a reader it seems like you’re living off the child maintenance which should be used to support the child. It seems like you rely solely on this. If the child moved out or went to live with her Dad how would you cope?

I AM NOT LIVING OFF MY CHILD.

Be blunt with her. Say, yep, you can have the money I've been awarded to feed, clothe and house you. Take it. And move out.

If more fathers volunteer for 50:50 care (or greater) from the beginning this would be much easier to do. Caring for children involves structural arrangements and fixed costs such as needing to get a larger house with associated mortgage and rent costs to accommodate them. It also involves getting a career or job (usually lower paid) that allows the parent to appropriately care for them outside of nursery and school hours. Those are additional child care related costs in themselves.

People can’t in practice live with their children as if they were single, in one bedroom apartments, ready at a moment’s notice for their children to move out or go and live with their father. The ability to work longer hours gradually comes when the children are much older. Many parents who do purchase a larger house for the kids end up renting the rooms out when their kids move out anyway so it’s not like women suddenly go bankrupt when child support ends.

Since you live in Spain, here is a legally correct explanation of alimony/child support...

In Spain, alimony, or child support, is paid to the child, not the parents. The non-custodial parent is legally and morally responsible for financially supporting the children of a marriage after a divorce or separation. The goal is to maintain the children's economic status before the separation as much as possible. Alimony is paid until the child can support themselves, which could be through education or a job.

Even though the money is paid "to the child", it is your responsibility to use it to support their needs. This doesn't mean she gets the payment to do with whatever she pleases. I can imagine what a 16-year-old would do with the money, and then she'd still expect to be fed. 😀

You hold a UK passport and you DD a Euro passport. Why aren’t you applying for a Euro passport and dual nationality on familial grounds.
Brexit means if you only have a UK passport it means you can only stay in Europe for 3 months each year.
This is putting you in a vulnerable situation and her father and his family will no doubt have told your DD.
So how are you keeping yourself in terms of income?
Did the divorce hinge on the fact that you’re not European and how does that impact on your property and employment rights in Spain.
I would be looking into this pdq. You may have to leave Spain when your DD is 18 and leave her behind unless she also gets UK passport

Thank you. I have property in Spain and have lived here for 18 years.
I have my own business.

I think I will get a Spanish passport, as DD will definitely not be financially independent before 24.

It is not 18 here.

We are also victims of domestic violence.

@BubbaHoTep Thanks! Correct! x

Thanks everyone.

This was a thread about an argument with my DD. Not my legal status. Or the (non payment) of my spousal maintenance and my child maintenance.
My "right to be here" is very secure.

I will not be responding any further.
Thank you all xxx

So sorry about this Op. I would sit down and tell your DD how much you love her. To me I think she's testing you. She wants to know you love her no matter what she does. It's due to her Dad not giving a s**t about her probably. It must be awful for you. Hopefully she doesn't mean it.

Thank you @vickylou78. Much appreciated.

Keep going. You sound like a great mum. Your DD will know that really.

Well, there is your answer. You can’t give her child maintenance money even if you could afford to because Dad hasn’t been paying you regularly. I do think that going through the household budget might help if she was willing to hear it, but my guess is she doesn’t. Some of her school friends are probably egging her on with this one. Sounds like she has friends who have parents with more money and maybe she is feeling the difference, at the root she might just want more pocket money to keep up with her mates. If that’s the case then she can’t just steal the child maintenance - it’s to go towards her living expenses not her pocket money. If she wants more money in her own bank account then she needs to get a Saturday/holiday job.

What has been your approach to it, if you have called it "my money" to her or her other parent then....

Has he actually paid you anything?
When she starts, ask her What money, he hasn't paid anything!
I'd write her up a list of her share of the bills.
Half the rent, half the utilities, half the food, her clothing, insurance etc.
Then tell her she owes you money.

So sorry u are dealing with all this . You mentioned earlier that something had happened 4 days ago. Did DD tell u the details. Be honest with her and tell her how upset you are , sometimes a reality check brings them back to earth. Use this episode to focus on your self care , when she leaves later you will need a network and other things in your life that you enjoy . Good luck.

What exactly is she claiming is hers?
He doesn’t pay you anything in way of child support?
Money from the divorce settlement is yours, from properties and pensions that you bought/paid into together?? Non of which is ‘hers’ to spend !!

Maybe it’s time to are a bit brutal and tell her that you work and pay for EVERYTHING… tell her in no uncertain terms that the money from the divorce is NOT hers, it’s your entitlement to what you built during your marriage to your husband… Tekl her her father doesn’t pay monthly child costs… and even if he did that money would also be YOURS to spend on supporting her and keeping a roof over her head…. But since he doesn’t pay it YOU cover ALL the food costs and bills for the both of you….. and yes of course she is your daughter so you’re happy to support her BUT that does not mean everything in the house is hers…. Tell her it’s OURS while I’m happy for you to live her under MY roof!!!
Maybe write it down in a letter to her rather than it becoming a screaming match ?!….
Could something have happened to cause this sudden change? A new friend/boyfriend? Drugs? Could something have happened to her to make her angry with the world and she’s lashing out at you? I know this is a huge leap but one that shouldn’t be dismissed…. Is it possible she’s been hurt in some way by someone? Sexually assaulted? And she’s struggling to process / communicate that hurt??

Legally and morally alimony cannot be hers. She is not an adult, the food in the fridge is not hers either- she needs a reality check. When she earns money herself, or get married then divorced and is awarded alimony then it is hers-those are simply the facts. Should she be unhappy call her a cab to send her to her father, call her father and say she is on her way. The sacrifice has to stop here. If she really is as clever as you say, she'll get the picture.

You are calling a 16 year old a brat and that you hate her - I want to be kind and wonder if you can seek support from others or try to have a sensible conversation with this young person. The other part of me wants to tell you to step up and parent this child. I know it's not easy with teenagers - but you are the adult.

I feel your pain. My daughter is the same.

Hi OP
I’m sure it was vey hurtful hearing your daughter say those things. You say that her personality has changed in the last 4 days. Try to put the hurt aside. Something has likely happened to your daughter to make this happen. So rather than as people are suggesting tell her to go live with her Dad or pay bills, try not to be distracted by the details of what she is saying but try to find the cause. Kids often hit out when they are scared or hurting.

Have you the court papers explaining what the money is for? Show her a breakdown of living costs mortgage utilities food clothes etc and explain yes if you have this money you have to half these costs. Probably the payment wouldn't cover the costs. Would definitely NOT let her get away with this behaviour. I guess one of her 'peers' has suggested this to her. Anyway your the parent tell her tough it stays as it is. Cheeky mare.

It sounds like you have shared a lot of info with your DD, which is understandable to an extent however I think you need to limit what you tell her. You’re the parent here and she is the child. You’re not her best friend.

It sounds like the boundaries between parent -child have been crossed.

You need to be more firm with her and say no more, be more firm and don’t let her walk all over you. If she wants to go let her.

Its hard but there needs to be boundaries.

Send her to stay with "Daddy" for a while. Let them bond while you take a hard earned break. If/when she returns it's on YOUR terms. She takes responsibility for her food, clothes, laundry, cleaning and she takes a part time job. She needs a reality check. You deserve better.

I was a shit 16yr old. Horrible to my mum.
I’d even go so far to say I was a bit of a cunt.
I said some truly awful things and behaved badly which bothered me all my life until I had to apologise to her for what I said. She said she didn’t remember but forgave me so I could forgive myself.
Her best friend back then had the ‘perfect’ relationship with her DD and always commented on how I should be treating my mum better. Turns out she was an actual cunt in the end and my relationship with my mum has never had any problems like what they did as adults. So people in glass houses n all that.

@BlackStrayCat if you see this, my arsehole phase lasted about less than a year because I actually started to feel bad about how sad my mum was.
I was brought up without my dad and met him when I was 16 because he wanted to stop paying my mum child maintenance.
It was after that, my cunty behaviour began.

Apologies if I offended with the c word