DD 16 saying the alimony is hers

[BlackStrayCat]

Just that really. She says it is her money, the food in the fridge is all hers. Not mine.

She has had a complete personality transplant. What do I do?
(Court ordered with me 100%)

She has changed 180. I have sacrificed everything for her. Everything.

I expect every teen with child maintenance has argued at one stage that it should be paid across to them, mine did! I simply said “no” and explained I purchased a larger house to accommodate children vs living on my own and therefore the mortgage and associated bills are greater. Plus they need to be aged 18 + to have bills in their name etc. Also, once they turn 18 and become young adults I would still keep a roof over their heads with low cost board only (vs market rate rents) until they were independent and had moved out.
Kids did not try their luck again after that.

I am so sorry you are going through this

I have read some of the lovely responses and I just want to add this.

I suspect that in her mind the money coming in represents a gift from her dad....he gives her nothing and this now represents a tie to him and a flow of something coming from him....it represents love in a way.

Now, in her self centred teenage brain you are 'just' his ex wife but she is his daughter, his blood relative. So in her mind the money is her dad's love, or presence, and she is a blood relative so thinks it's due to her and her alone. And maybe she thinks this more because you have always put her at the centre of everything so therefore she thinks she should be at the centre of everything. She is too young to understand how much love and self sacrifice you made for her, and that this was out of pure love, not because it was owing to her.

And she is angry and hurting and lashing out.

Kids can hurt us so much.. stay strong and try to see it for what it is, show her how much everything costs and how much the maintenance is and that you haven't received it, and how much it will cost to receive it. Try not to bad mouth her father though, however much he deserves it he is still, to her, her daddy.

Treat it as an opportunity to educate her as to what has been awarded and the cost of actually living. If that doesn't work, show her the bank statements and ask her where her money is deposited?

Just to add to posters saying that teens can be truly awful, but it has nothing to do with how much they love you. They just get possessed with fury and rage sometimes, and with all of those hormones swirling about, their reactions are exaggerated, and their actions often much more extreme than they probably intended! I know it’s awful and it hurts like hell, but I would honestly try not to escalate things by getting cross or retaliating.

Your lovely DD is still in there, just struggling to get out. Stay calm, look after yourself, stick to a firm no with a smile and be available to talk properly when she is ready.

I think @Towerofsong has made a really good point. That money is all she has from her dad. I wonder whether that is behind all this? If so there will be a lot of anger and grief to deal with and the only person she can take it out on is you, OP.

Maybe acknowledging to her that she's hurting and that she deserved a much better father would help her.

How long are you tied to living in Spain OP? It's OK to say you are done. She's 16 and the time is approaching when you can put yourself first. Does the law in Spain permit you to put the house on the market and move, either back to England near a support system and your family / friends. You've raised her nearly to adulthood and surely very soon then you can decide what you want to do with your life as a free single woman. You sound as though you're utterly exhausted and could do with some time to yourself to think about what comes next for you.

Why are you encouraging people to call your child a spoilt brat online? She is a teenager and she didn't have a perfect childhood because she has an abusive Father. You need to support your child emotionally. If that means having a break from each other then so be it, but threatening to send her to live with an abuser is not ok.

I would say if she isn't happy she is up quite free to leave and live with her other parent. I wouldn't engage with bill splitting.

Exactly this!

Well she’s a child, you’re her parent. Tell her it’s not - the end 🤷

When DS was about 14 he decided that the child benefit should be his as it was paid "for" him. So I said ok and gave him the list of school uniform he needed to buy for September as (conveniently for my purposes!) he had grown out of everything and needed a new blazer, new logo'd PE kit, the lot. This was 20 ish years ago and it was about £150 thenn (at the time it was one of those that insisted on logo'd everything, even trousers)! I said that he would need to save up the CB, as I usually did, to pay for it.

Funnily enough, he didnt want it anymore as he soon worked out that the CB would nowhere near cover the cost and I had made it crystal clear that if he got the money (about £12 a week at the time for the eldest I think) I would not be buying the things that I put it towards!

OP doesn't need to tolerate abusive behaviour from the child though.

She's grown up with the dynamic of
this is how mum gets treated
this is how to behave to get what I want
displayed by her dad.

Now her dad's gone is absolutely the time for OP to start showing DD this behaviour isn't ok and that she won't tolerate it. It's a long overdue lesson for DD to learn, that there's a middle ground she can tread between being an abuser or a victim, that assertiveness and expressing emotions in a respectful way are possible.

It's fair enough if she feels out of control and her life is all chaos. She can start acting like a grow up if she wants, since she pretty much is one, get some control over her own life, which includes paying her own way. Speaking to OP the way she does isn't ok though. It is bratty behaviour and OP is allowed to be upset about it and vent on here. Not everything has to be excused all the time.

Ask her to write a list of her overheads?

16 they can be very cruel. Manipulative and selfish but not completely their fault due to hormones and other things. It is very challenging and heartbreaking when you do not recognise them anymore.

This is great advice pickles, 👏

Can she go and stay with her father for a while? She might just appreciate a bit more how much you do for her. Also, show her exactly how much you pay for and how little her child maintenance covers. Time for a bit of tough love OP, withdraw your labour and let her do her own washing/cleaning/cooking/shopping etc!

Just going through terrible teens sadly. My DD was no bother until 17, then she turned into an entitled, know it all brat. I let her get on with it, held my breath and hoped it passed, which it did after about a year. My advice, pick your battles and try not to take it personally, nearly impossible I know, but she knows which buttons to press, so keep trying, it will pass. I gave my DD £100 per month from 16 onwards and told her that covered everything, clothes socialising etc although I paid phone and clothes for special occasions, she soon learnt what things cost ! I also told her she makes her choice and lives with the consequences, particularly in terms of her behaviour. Stay strong, it passes

Why don’t you have your own money?

Hi op,

sending gentle hugs 🌺🌺

gosh it sounds exhausting! And yes when a partner has shown some bad behaviors, it ripples… how hard it is that she shows that, she does BECAUSE you are her home, her trusted place and that now that you guys are finally divorced, she can take these things out.

I suggest you put boundaries (which I am sure you did) and hold on to them (which I am sure you are) and sanction any trespassing of said boundaries.

No discussion : rules.

your fridge : your food ( except if she did buy it obviously)
you share : she share

any residu of « him » will come out and it is for you to guide her through.

please, do not give up. She is just there. 16 is a hard time. It is tough being a single parent. Stop sacrificing, be happy 🌺

I am sorry you are in such a bad situation and that your DD is being horribly unkind. Could you come back to UK? As her behaviour is so unreasonable and upsetting, maybe consider your options. It hurts so much when all your efforts and love are thrown away as if they are nothing. You have done well for her. Think about your own wellbeing and choices; research practical information about how to move. If you know what it feasible and how you would do it, you will be in a better position to choose what to do.

one of my friends divorced in uk in late 1990s/early 2000s and she was awarded alimony for life. Yes - alimony. Yes - for life. But at the time, there was only husband and wife. No other options. I should imagine official terminology may be spousal support or maintenance, but it is still the same thing.

Hello ex husband. Stupid comment.

Thank you. It is the same thing!

Seriously, thank you to everyone today that posted. It has been a difficult day but all is well. I feel bad I cannot thank you all personally.

I think, after 20 years on here, I never needed mumsnet more. You all went over and above for me.

My daughter is clever beautiful and kind and I love her with all my heart. All will be well. She acted badly in the moment, as we all do I suppose.

But thank you.

I am doing no such thing, thank you.