DD 16 saying the alimony is hers

[BlackStrayCat]

Just that really. She says it is her money, the food in the fridge is all hers. Not mine.

She has had a complete personality transplant. What do I do?
(Court ordered with me 100%)

She has changed 180. I have sacrificed everything for her. Everything.

Don’t be ridiculous. You tell her “no”, and then you tell her not to be such a rude and ungrateful child, and then remove yourself from her presence. Personally I’d go out for a long cold drink and a meal and then go to bed.

@TomeTome thank you. It is like ALL the disrespect I faced is coming out of her mouth. It is horrendous.

And she'll need to pay rent

Why on earth has she got iPads and you have no clothes. I note you added the s to iPad so suggests more than one.

she is 16 and old enough to know about the sacrifices you have made to facilitate her luxuries. Maybe it’s time to take some of that luxury away?

It’s hard but she’s 16

teens are generally brats

dont get into dialogue with her, just say no it’s not but she’s welcome to go out to work and pay her upkeep if she’d prefer ( part time)

she’s not a baby. Tell her to stop being an ungrateful brat

Tell her that's not how it works. Then leave the room.

Get her into therapy.

Thank you all. I am still furious.
I have been through a huge custody battle on legal aid (which was uselss)

I honestly feel like if my beautiful, clever daughter is going to be like this I am leaving. I am not alive to be a punching bag. Shehad a lovely upbringing thanks to me.

This is horrible.

@millymollymoomoo thank you! You actually helped me on a divorce thread!

I cannot believe she is being like this. It really is unbelievable.
Something happened 4 days ago. She has been off since then.

I'd work out all the outgoings related to her.
Half rent
Half water
Half electric
Half gas
Half WiFi
Half food bill
Petrol used for her benefit
Phone bill
School uniform
Etc.

Then total it up, minus what her father is supposedly sending "for her" (sounds like he isn't at all?) and ask her when she's starting her job in order to be able to pay the difference.

I suspect there's more to this though. She sounds angry. Does she have anyone she can talk to who isn't her mum? School counsellor or similar?

@mathanxiety thank you. I am doing this. I was married for 20 bloody years.

She had a lovely upbringing but she didn’t have her dad. He sounds an awful man but he is still her dad and it hurts not to be wanted by a parent.

She is being a little shit but it could be a combination of the hurt and anger coinciding with the crappy attitude a lot of teenagers have.

Normally people would laugh at the ignorance coming out of a child's mouth and then do one of the many good suggestions on this post..

But you are probably battered by the fight with your ex, self esteem in tatters and your child whom you love and fight to the death for is going in for the kill and pulling at all of the things that would hurt you :(
I think for many people this is one of their worst fears, to fight and do your best to be turned on by who you love the most.

I hope you know all she is spewing at the moment is not true at all and I hope you can find the inner strength to keep your self safe emotionally and not let it pull you further down? It takes a long time to heal. She might feel small herself and trying to become "worthy of love" by trying to be bigger then you..if that makes sense? The whole push someone down so you can stand up..a mum is easy target..you have proven you aren't going anywhere so it's safe to attack you rather then someone who would retaliate and make her smaller.

Maintenance isn't pocket money for the child!

I really feel for you - you do everything you can for a child and then they turn into someone else, someone with a very poor memory. I'm sure it'll be temporary, but it's absolutely awful while it's going on.

First of all, she should be working now at the weekend if she wants any pocket money. It's not fair that she has everything and you have nothing.

Would she consider going to counselling with you?

@StormingNorman and @Picklesjar20 you made me cry. You are both spot on. Thank you for your time for a stranger online. It means alot. Thank you.

@MounjaroUser thaqnk you so much. I would dearly love couselling for both of us, but I cannot afford it. You summed it up perfectly though.

Post divorce: get on with it.

It seems it is not the case.

Excellent post @Picklesjar20 .

I think there might be an extra element here of teenage brain. I swear some of them just break for a while. I clearly remember my brother quite seriously proposing that our parents sell our house and give him 25% of the proceeds. He's not an awful person, he is a nice person and successful adult who went through a phase of next-level self centredness when his brain was in that stage of development. One of my teens is doing something similar at he moment and it's wildly frustrating but I don't think it's really "her" at all. She'll come through it and so will your daughter.

Please take a breath and see that your DD has been the victim of her father too. She has a father who was abusive to her mother, who left her and who hasn't supported her.

She is afraid and angry.

When she says these things, try just saying 'I think you sound angry. I'm always here to listen and I care about you absolutely. But you know that alimony is awarded to support the household - which means I have the money to provide for us both.'

Have you considered counselling for her? She has had a huge amount to deal with. As have you

Can you go somewhere for an hour or two to calm down? I know you are upset by her behaviour but nobody is going to win, or be heard, if you are both being emotional. You need to be the calm, rational adult.

Whatever money her father is paying (or meant to be paying) it is to cover what it costs to keep her. So write down a list - mortgage or rent, utilities, transport, food, phone and Internet, holidays etc. She's going to see that 'her money' doesn't go very far. Alternatively, give her a weekly or monthly allowance to buy all her own food, toiletries, travel. But mostly don't rise to shouting or crying or saying things in the heat of the moment.

Thank you @Drigante I agree so much that it was a great post from @Picklesjar20

She sounds spoilt but is not. It is so odd. She knows I have no money. Her father is very wealthy but has not seen her for 3 years. Said it was parental alienation but of course it wasnt. I am, I suppose going to struggle through.

But at some point I seriously DO need to look after myself.

I found the suddenness with which my daughter changed to be the biggest shock. It was almost overnight - she was much younger than your daughter and went from wanting me to sit in the bathroom to chat to her for hours while she had a bubble bath to flinching and recoiling when I went anywhere near her.

It was so unexpected that it took me a long time to recover. My marriage wasn't going well at the time - I didn't know it but my XH was having a longstanding affair. Again, he and I had been very close and the distance was driving me crazy. It was like being ghosted by someone who was still talking to me, if that makes sense.

He left (with a footprint on his arse) and a year later my daughter turned against me. I've never felt so unlovable and it really damaged me.

However, she's an adult now and got better and better as time went on. I've always loved her as much as I did when she was that little girl who thought I was the bees' knees, and just had to have faith she'd come back to me. A divorce always muddies the waters, though, doesn't it? She couldn't blame him (in case he didn't see her again) so she turned all those bad feelings towards me. It was truly awful.

Do you think she'll go to university? If so I'd encourage her to go somewhere where she has to live in - she'll learn she can't treat people badly without consequences.

Just one thing - don't even think of giving her anything from the child maintenance. Absolutely no way. I would say it's not up for discussion. Don't cave in on that - it'll give her some power.

Similarly with child benefit. I knew mums who gave their children the child benefit - that's not what it's for.

She is HURT. Not spoilt.

It really isn't odd that she would be acting out.

@bergamotorange @Delphiniumandlupins thank you very much.

But at some point I seriously DO need to look after myself.

yes this is important - and especially if you have a very angry teen who is taking it out on you.

OP. This must me so hard.

EDIT: I am retracting the rest of my post. On second thought, I think my advice was bad and other posters have given much better advice.