DD 16 saying the alimony is hers

[BlackStrayCat]

Just that really. She says it is her money, the food in the fridge is all hers. Not mine.

She has had a complete personality transplant. What do I do?
(Court ordered with me 100%)

She has changed 180. I have sacrificed everything for her. Everything.

In fact, for her disrespect you might want to cut off the wifi for the rest of the week. Don't go down this road with a very hurt teen, it will just escalate things.

@bergamotorange so, so helpful and empathetic. Thank you.

The good thing about her being 16 is you don't have to be there all the time. Can you afford a gym membership? Swimming every day? What about going running or walking every day?

I wouldn't turn off the wifi - tbh I'd be glad if she was upstairs on her laptop rather than mithering me!

@MounjaroUser thank you for that insightful view. It was helpful.

She is possibly afraid of rejection from you like he rejected her. So she says horrible things as a test to see if you’ll push her away or if she’s safe. She doesn’t mean it, don’t let it upset you, stay calm. Keep telling her you love her but spell out the facts of the money situation, that the food isn’t hers, etc.

You're the one who's there so you're the one who's the punching bag for all her hurt feelings about her Dad.

And a lot of teens go through a vile stage and come out ok the other side.

dd is 23 and I thought was totally through it but was horrible to me last night. But she’s panicking she’s about to lose her job. After a chat with her boss today she’s right as rain. But boy did she take it out on me. She’s old enough to know better, 16yo is still young.

@Life2Short4Nonsense thank you, I have calmed down a bit, but thank you for being there.

@CormorantStrikesBack thankyou!
@dapsnotplimsolls thank you!

It was horrendous, I am exhausted, she has her GCSE equillvents (and got 13 As) she must be too, Her father does not even know. It is horrific really. I suppose she was going to be difficult at some stage. Bound to be. You have all helped me tremendously and I thank you very much. Have a good evening and THANK YOU!

I’d be making it very clear there is no maintenance for a start. And even if there was, I’d be telling her everything it covers. Its not for spending on make up and clothes, but to provide a roof over her head and food in her belly. At 16 she can surely see that people need to pay bills / rent or mortgage and maintenance from absent parents is meant to be towards that. Perhaps she’s got some friends who are allowed to keep any maintenance. I had a friend that was allowed to keep the child benefit money, and yes she was very spoiled. It was only in her 30’s she stopped acting like a spoiled child.

She had an attitude that she was "keeping me" @Zanatdy this was what made me snap.

It is 16 year old ignorance, she will look back and cringe. Literally ignore her. Divorce or fighting at home can cause teens to play up.
By arguing with her you are feeding nonsense.

Keeping you? With what exactly. You do have to laugh at these teenagers don’t you?!

Tell her to sit down and be quiet, because until she has something nice to say you are listening. She is little more than a child with a most unpleasant attitude, please don’t forget you are the adult in this situation. I can imagine it’s awful, listening to her spouting off, her ungratefulness, the unappreciation, she needs to be ashamed. Stay strong, don’t let her bend you, at 16 they need boundaries more than ever.

Sorry typo….‘aren’t listening!’

@Onthemaintrunkline thankyou! If I had a sister, this would be her advice (I imagine!)

@BlackStrayCat Please can you answer the question about whether it's child maintenance that he's paying or spousal maintenance? It makes a pivotal difference here.

Alimony is only a thing in the US to my knowledge but it essential means spousal maintenance and that is for you - as his former spouse.

"This too shall pass".

Bleuch......., 16yr olds!!
My ds, now 23 was an absolute NIGHTMARE, from 11-17. He made my life shit, really shit. Most days I thought I could not go on. I was a single parent and gave him my last all the time but it was never enough.
Now, however, he has matured into a lovely young man.
There is hope. She will mature.
Sending ❤️ and 🫂 xx

Sit her down and run through what the bills are including food and what her half of the cost amounts to

It sounds like she has no idea about the cost of living but won’t unless you explain and break it down in detail.

@BlackStrayCat

Got no advice to offer, but sending you best wishes. Your struggles are seen. You sound like a very resilient lady.

Sorry yes, he is American/Spanish and I am living in Spain (English). 20 year marriage. 500 euros maintenance 200 euros spousal (which he doe not pay)
Been divorced 2 months,

She is trying to feel in control of things at a time when her life has gone astray, I agree with PPs.

Adolescence is a time of upheaval, we understand a lot more about what happens to the teenage brain but god it's hard to deal with at the best of times, but when you are beaten and bowed under your horrible divorce.

Funnily enough we had a similar thing with my MIL who had bad Alzheimer's and accused us of doing awful things.

Easier said than done, but you do have to think of everything she says as not really coming from her, it's just venting. Don't get mad, don't take it personally walk away and stop listening if necessary. 'Sorry DD, I am not going to listen to you at the moment'.

So sorry you are going through this, it's is utterly soul destroying

Was she born in Spain and brought up there? Are you only living there for her?

@dollopz @Didshejustsaythatoutloud that was very kind of both of you. Thank you.