I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

OP, I think you need to get a solicitor and start the ball rolling with divorce.

You are the planner so get making a list for everything you need to do and get on with it.

I understand you feel paralysed as this isn’t what you want but your husband doesn’t love you, is probably having an affair and hasn’t got the balls to start separating.

This situation is untenable; for your own sanity take control. Stop having conversations with him about financials and just get on with it. Use your solicitor to start looking at the settlement which would work for you; get the house valued and tell him it is going on the market.

Take control. You CAN do this. Listen to the wonderful advice from so many women who’ve been where you are.

You have family nearby so let them support you.

I am so sorry it’s happening to you - I’ve been there and I wish wonderful Mumsnet had been there for me when I needed it.

I’m so sorry op. I feel angry on your behalf reading this. The man is a fucking simpleton if he believes he can just fuck off to his city centre shag pad and leave all his responsibilities behind. The law says he really can’t! Whether he is shagging someone else or not (I’d say he is but none of us really know) his behaviour is of the full thunder cunt variety.

I know it’s hard and I know you are hurting massively but you must grey rock this fucker. Immediately. Cry to your friends and family, scream into your pillow, pound the streets chanting “cunt cunt cunt” under your breath. But show him NONE of this. No tears, no emotion, no conversation that isn’t strictly necessary and all business. He is not your friend so treat him accordingly.

Whatever he is or is not doing, he definitely is not considering what is in the best interests of you or your dc. So you must, Channel your inner bitch, get the ball rolling on the divorce (make sure you have a shit hot solicitor) get the best deal you can, then move on. I know it’s so so hard (been there, have the t shirt) but honestly? Life is so much better without a lying sack of shit weighing you down. Good luck xx

I’m feeling stronger this afternoon. I’m going to get some more facts tomorrow tk help me decide what I want, try and have a few days ‘off’ thinking where I concentrate on actually eating 3 meals a day (have done so for first time in 13 days today) and then make a plan this weekend. Meanwhile I’m not going to discuss it with him

thank you for all your advice

You are wonderful and very level headed OP. You will get through this and come out stronger.

You are strong xx you’ve got this OP

So much of what you have written resonates with me @Broken12 . Men really are bloody sheep.

I asked my h for a trial separation so I could have space to think after he did/said something that made me stop loving him in that instant. He's struggling. We haven't spoken in a month but he's treating me badly. Delaying everything when he says he wants it sorted. Has been rubbish with our adult kids.

I filed for divorce. It's expensive but I'd have lost more without a solicitor.

I don't trust h at all. He's not on my team. I have discovered I'm stronger than he and I ever knew.

It will be crap for a while but ultimately you are better off without someone who can't be honest, is embarrassingly immature, has not done any real grown up thinking and can't put his children first.

Cry it out then see a lawyer who will come at this divorce with a clear head. Let the lawyer fight it for you. You must take care of yourself for your daughter's sake.
Your lawyer may be able to help keep your daughter's school - DH has to cooperate. Then there's the house, the maintenance... you worked up about up more than you need to be because you don't know yet where you stand with the law.
You will feel so much better.once you get a clear dispassionate picture about can be done for you and your daughter.
Good luck.

Great! Spoil yourself, get some delicious food (perhaps a takeaway) and savour it - you deserve it! Take care - and look to the better days ahead. You will find them. You can do it. 🌻 🌻🌻

It's such a weird thing. We've been split since last summer and I've only eaten one meal a day since. I would always say I was a comfort eater and had food issues from childhood. I'm starting to think did I comfort eat because of h...?

@BirthdayRainbow same here. I eat a lot less now too.

I know what you mean..I just don’t have an appetite and so hard to force yourself to eat when alone x

@BlastedPimples @Broken12 initially I was waiting until I felt hungry then realised I never did. Then I think it became a control thing. Now I've no idea. Maybe a mix of things.

Big wobble this morning…got my youngest out of bed and tried to give him to husband as he’s off today and he just clung to be shouting momma. How does he not realise the damage he is going to cause. My 1 year old needs his mommy

I think men just don't have the emotional intelligence that women have @Broken12 . Your son would be more damaged by your h staying in a relationship he shouldn't be in as parents have to show how things should be. He has his mummy. He has you. He'll be okay.

I think it’s just sunk it that it’s happening. Told him I’m applying for her to change schools and he wasn’t phased

Stay strong you need to do what is right for you and the children now. He no longer needs to be factored into any of your decision making.

I feel like screaming in his face!!!

Realistically you can't afford to stay in the house longer term. So preparing to move is a positive step. Offset any extra pension he has for more equity, it's what you need for your deposit to offset your lower wages.

Whilst he's not a particularly engaged dad you can hope for more than 50:50 time with the children. Particularly once he understands that school runs. After school care and managing sickness absences are his responsibilities during his time. Often they think you'll do drop offs and pick ups and take all the days off.

It gets easier, I think moving nearer your mum is a great idea

He suddenly reckons he’ll be finishing work at 2.30 on his days to get the kids. Yet for the last few years it’s been a massive achievement for him to be home a minute before they go to bed.

i honestly didn’t know it was possible to hate someone so much

That'll be the £££ talking. He may change his mind once he experiences how it impacts his working life, opportunities and life

Yes, I’d be asking myself what he’s really been up to on the days he’s been “working late” if the truth is he actually could leave early if he wanted to.

Any way you could get in his phone?

What people like him don't realise when they quibble over maintenance is that the other parent is just about the cheapest form of childcare available.

@Broken12 I haven't commented before but I've been following what's happening to you and I just want to say I think you are much stronger than you feel right now and you are doing amazingly.
Hold your nerve. You will make a better life for yourself and dc. Big hug.

I might try taking his phone one night when asleep but I don’t know if I really want to know anymore. Don’t think I could hate him anymore if I tried

You have to remind yourself that though he still looks the same this is not the man you loved and you thought loved you.
I am really sorry to say this but when they reveal their true selves ie they come first and fuck you or the children you realise the man you loved actually does not exist, it was just the part of him it suited him to show you whilst you could provide what he wanted at the time.
You have to see him as you would a stranger and not take anything on trust now.
Get legal advice, find out as much about his finances as you possibly can. It will mostly boil down to money now so protect you and your children in any way you can.
Oh and get angry. Angry is much less painful than sad and bewildered. See the bastard for what he is. I would bet my house he has someone lined up that he is already shagging.