I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

oh believe I’m angry. I wasn’t to hurt him anyway possible now and if that’s via his pocket then so be it

j want him out the house and I want him out now. I want to make his life hell

Marriages fail, people fall out of love and want different things. I'd defend any woman to walk away from a marriage where she's unhappy, so I need to react the same way when the man ends the marriage. It's better than cheating, or behaving awfully towards the other person due to anger and unhappiness.

An unhappy marriage isn't healthy for children either. They feel the tension and lack of joy.

The key is to try and ensure both of you focus on what's best for the children.

But separating is obviously going to lead to a lower standard of living for both of you, as the same assets and income now have to fund 2 homes.

My lawyer friend said a fair outcome will probably feel a bit unfair to both parties.

OP, why do you want to know and what difference is it going to make? The only thing you are going to achieve is to make yourself upset and emotionally destabilised. Focus on you and the kids and what will take you to good place.
Expand your circle of friends
Exercise
Try counselling
Buy new clothes
Go to more activites with your kids
Be open to everyone about what is going on. No reason to hide it. Take it out of your system
Have (safe) sex with a new man you are attracted to If you can have time without the kids

Grow, improve, move on. If you feel good, your kids will be happy. Happy mothers, happy kids

I know feelings changed but he’s dragged this out for over a year and we’re only where we are now as I pushed him. Now he’s refusing to move out until he’s looked at his own finances and dragging that out as wel. Same time has the audacity for me to think it his mental health…what about mine!? All I’ve done for 12 months is tip toe around and try and please him.

The hardest thing now is knowing I’m now always going to see my kids. That’s what is making this so hard

It sounds as if you've been hoping he would change his mind/come to his senses and you're realising that that isn't going to happen.

It'll be a good thing once that sinks in as the anger will carry you through these shitty times.

That must be hard. We did marriage counselling too, and at the end we knew it was broken and divorce was the next step. I wanted that more than he did. Both lawyers recommended staying in the home until the divorce and finances were completed. It wasn't easy at all, but it meant all the funds went towards next steps rather than one wasting money on rent whilst unable to buy until the house was sold.

It gave time for the kids to get used to the idea and then they enjoyed helping choose a house etc

I'm sorry I know it's hard 😔 but whilst you both share you'll both want to move forwards till sell, if he moves out it'll feel harder as you'll want to stay in your home, but you know that's not affordable, but there is a risk you may drag your feet over the sale if he moves out

I know feelings changed but he’s dragged this out for over a year and we’re only where we are now as I pushed him. Now he’s refusing to move out until he’s looked at his own finances and dragging that out as wel

It seems these types always want a divorce but don’t actually want to take the steps to make it happen. They want YOU to be the one to do all the legwork as they can’t be arsed. And also then they can conveniently tell people that their wives divorced THEM. They have to look like the victim, always!

I really was clinging onto a tiny bit of hope but that is now gone

We did counselling and he swore all he wanted was to get back to how we were. But I never saw an effort, I feel like it was a tick boxing exercise to show his family he tried

This is exactly it! He’s also suggest living together for the next 3 years until the youngest is in school! He just wants a pass to sleep around but still have the luxury of being at home 😡

I think you’ve been so strong, what an absolute bastard he is.

I hope you laughed in his face!

It’s good that you are finding your anger and can see through him op.

I know it can be the best thing financially to stay amicable and live together until it’s all sorted as a pp suggested but I don’t honestly think I could stomach it. You have to think of your MH as well and it’s not going to be a healthy environment for you or your dcs when you know he has completely checked out and is off living the single life whilst you’re still doing all the wife work. I’d just want him out tbh.

It would be best financially and sometimes I think it would be fine but that’s when I’m in denial. actually I know I couldn’t stand it, I deserve better and he doesn’t deserve the easy life.

he just asked me again ‘why I’m being like this’ I just told him to just get out. He’s made his bed, now go lie in it!

3 years of your life on hold, in an awful tense environment would be horrid for you and massively harmful to the children. I would want to get on with it, rip the plaster off and get it done.

Also once the children are in school some think it's easier and then ask for 50:50 when you've done all the hard years when they're small and I'll often, challenging childcare etc.

He's sure he wants a divorce so crack on, then move on to enjoy time with your children. As soon as you are in a home without him you'll notice how much more often the children laugh and you can enjoy being with them without a grumpy person sucking all the joy out of the room x

Because he's too important to be worrying about little woman's work as school runs. He won't be doing drop off and pick up so he doesn't care.

I've never despised anyone as much as I do my STBEH and believe me there are numerous contenders who have probably done worse to me. So I'm with you there.

It’s horrible isn’t it, I never knew I could hold so much hate

Me neither. You'll get people telling you hate just hurts you and don't be bitter but I think it is important that you feel the feelings you need to feel. Brushing them under the carpet doesn't do you any good.

I can’t help it. I’ll never forgive him for how he’s gone about this

Oh I don't blame you. I'm fucking hugely bitter and will hate him forever. He deserves it. But, I've accepted I'll never discuss it with him and I'll never understand his actions since and that has helped. A bit.

It’s understandable you feel like this and acknowledging feelings is good

I’d also say it’s important to not hold onto them forever. That will only hurt you ( and possibly your children )

im not justifying him but it is hard to end a marriage. Even more so when there are children

I never wanted mine to end, and it took me a long time to pluck up the courage to do so as I didn’t want to hurt my ex or break up my family. There was a lot of guilt even though I had t done anything ‘wrong’. He’d probably say I during him along but I it wasn’t that - I genuinely wanted in my head at least to regain feelings - in the end I couldn’t

he might be the same?

I hope time heals your pain

what Hurts the most is that I don’t feel like he tried and if I hadn’t have pushed he’s still have be in denial now. I just want him to move out now he’s he’s still refusing. I d and process it whilst he us still here. X

I asked for a trial separation as needed space to think. So he left. Then didn't come back. Thankfully. Could you sell it that you need space to think to be sure, get him out. Then file for divorce?

I’ve asked over and over and he won’t go as ‘he’s done nothing wrong and has human rights too so I can’t make him’

Human rights? What a twat.

if he won't go you have to make it so he wants to. No more cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping for him. You are now lodgers living in the same house.