I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

Get your own advice. Put a proposal on the table and tell him this is your starting point. Show him you are not going to be passive in this. Or be walked over. You need to stand firm for the kids sake

He has had a lot of time to look at the financials, why when he wants to leave has he not got a clear picture of this yet, have you asked him? It feels like he is delaying and I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he is delaying to get his position secured before agreeing anything with you.

I am so sorry you are going through this, you have had such a lot of good advice already. Have you been having counselling/therapy together or separately over the last year following his announcement that he didn’t know that he wanted to be in the marriage?

I do feel like he genuinely hadn’t thought about the consequences and next steps. He has never been an organiser of planner

we had marriage counselling last treat which obviously got us no where.

finding it so hard to propose what I want when I want none of it x

I am so sorry you are going through this and think you are doing amazingly well.

i Have not read through all the replies so not sure if someone has mentioned this, have you considered a mediator? Used one when ex and I split (2 kids, married 13 years, him the higher earner by a chunk).

They know all the legal stuff and work with you both together to reach a fair agreement that works for you both and the kids. You end up with an agreement that you then take to a solicitor for checking and this is then sent to court as your divorce agreement settlement. Mediator is not allowed to agree to anything that is not fair.

We had to declare all financial info, pensions the lot, and in your case I imagine they would work through your three options to look at what each would look like financially for both of you and how it would work.

Dont leave your h to work out his finances and tell you what is doable, there is no way of knowing if this is transparent or fair to you / kids.

it won’t work if you aren’t able to be in the same room and have a conversation but if you can it’s much cheaper than solicitors, less acrimonious and I was really happy with how it went & the outcomes. I felt she made sure our agreement was equitable and fair and that lifestyle for kids when with me eg capacity for holiday, was considered too (DH was higher earner and tight with money)

I think we had 4 or 5 sessions with her, wasn’t cheap but far far cheaper than 2 solicitors and far easier / less traumatic

I’ve read about mediators but feel like I need to decide what I want first and that’s what I’m really struggling with. Can’t decide what is best for me and my kids moving forward. Feel it would be a lot easier if my daughter wasn’t about to start school

What feedback did your counsellor give you? How did it end?

She agreed we had had a tough few years and to reconnect we needed to spend time together, talk about how we felt etc

he was never prepared to make an effort to do things together though, all he was willing to do was give it time

I'm so sorry to add to the voices but I'd be doing a bit of investigating if I were you. I think he's got someone else lined up.

You'll be okay, better than you could ever imagine right now

"ive just asked him to really, really think about if this is what he really wants"

I wouldn't say anything like this again.
He's told you how he feels, hold him to it.
Stop letting him think he holds all the cards and has all the control.

You need to act as cool as a cucumber and accept this is happening.

This is awful for you OP, but I wouldn’t wait till school, I’d move to be near your mum.

even if he turned round now and said it’s all a mistake, he wants to make it work, it wouldn’t be for the right reasons and you know that now.

it sounds like you’ve got a big advantage on him being the planner of the family, start planning your future.. stop waiting for him to tell you what’s happening regarding his financials, and you start telling him what’s happening, it will give you something to focus on.

I know i do, I’m just not at the stage yet and don’t know how to get there x

I do. But for some reason I can’t help but cling on to that tiny bit of hope. I know what I’d be saying if it was someone else tho but this is my family and real life.

in going to phone the school I’d want her to go to tomorrow and see what they say x

So he was essentially going through the motions but not committing to working on your relationship, sounds like he checked out some time ago.
It feels like he wants you to make the final push/decision to end it, if you said you want him to move out now do you think he would?
I so hear you when you say you are not at that stage yet and don’t know how to get there - the only thing that will really help is time and patience, every time you talk to him really consider what you want to say before you say it.
You will get there, believe me you will.

Well he’s adamant he was working on it In his own way but couldn’t give me any examples of what he had done.

I’ve asked him to move out but he won’t until we’ve agreed next steps. He also said once we have all our options sorted that will be the point when we decide if we want to move forward with one as our new future or not (or something along those lines) which doesn’t convince me that’s he’s 100% sure on what’s he’s doing!

I’ve never been a patient person and feel like I want to sort the school situation asap xx

I know and completely understand that you don’t want to believe there is an OW ( been there) but those of us who have been through this recognise the signs . As someone said thread , have you read The Script ? Although not always the case, it is unusual for men to give up their home and family unless there is someone else lined up.
You need to take control . It could be that OW is hesitating so he is keeping his options open but maybe if you TELL him what’s happening it will focus him.
Good luck . You will get through this .

It’s perfectly natural to cling on to hope, but his assertion that he’ll move out when you’ve decided what you’re doing but won’t give you the information to make a decision regarding financials is just his way of biding for time, he doesn’t want to move out, he obviously wants to live separate lives under the same roof but to me that is cruel and unfair, it suits him as he can have the best of both worlds, his children with him and his freedom to live separately from you.

i personally think he should move out for now at least and give you some space, it’s him that wants this not you, so he can’t have it both ways.. while you still live under the same roof you’ll always have that hope, and that’s the only control he has really, you need to at least pretend to him that it’s over and you’ve accepted it, so no point messing around now. You’re free to secretly hold on to that little bit of hope, but it doesn’t benefit you in the slightest for him to be aware of it.

I’m going to try my upmost to put in a mask in front of him and keep telling him he needs to go xx

Do this. Nothing will change unless you do, and you’ll be driven mad in the process.
He is absolutely keeping his options open, and I agree with sandyhappypeople that he is happy to live separately under one roof, he will have all the benefits and you none, as that suits him currently.
I also absolutely think there is an OW, his behaviour is 100% typical of it. She is most likely in a relationship too, and or, not completely independent otherwise I think he’d be gone. You mentioned much earlier that you were expecting him home one evening and he didn’t come home until after 9 as was sorting his finances at work - I’d be very suspicious of that and would start to look at other times he is out of the house, or times you are. Have you asked to look at his phone? Have you questioned him more closely on what he does/where he goes? Can you see his location on find my? Has his social media behaviour changed?

I’ve been there and got the t shirt, recognise so much of his behaviour and myself in you, also thought he was having a mid life crisis.

I’m guessing yours never came back?

His job requires a lot of afterwork networking with clients so it would be very easy for him to have an affair as he is always out (this has been the case the whole relationship, if anything has gotten better lately) but I have no evidence of one and he is still adamant there is no one. It’s something I’ll probably never truly know tho.

he doesn’t post anything on social, had been glued to his phone the last year but always says it is work and can’t check find my phone x

Some excellent advice here. Sounds like a mediator could be really helpful - even if you don’t know what you want yet OP - they may be able to help you navigate that.

I hope he listens to you and leaves so you have the space to think.

It’s giving of you to ask him if this is what he really wants - but is being together still what YOU really want?

Probably not, not anymore as things would never ever be the same. I think I’d always be on edge and trying to guess what he was thinking

I’d love for him just to go to a friends for a week or something and give me some space to think

My circumstances are quite unusual, happy to chat privately if that’s helpful.

Am sure you know being glued to his phone is absolutely textbook, mine had turned notifications off so I was stupidly reassured that I never saw any messages come through… check for other apps like signal and telegram, if you download them you can see if your contacts have them…

What would he do if you asked to look at his phone?

Give this thread a read OP, you might find it enlightening
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5005102-is-this-the-script-handhold-please?page=1

Sorry this is happening to you. It's not what you deserve.

This too shall pass.

He literally won’t let me touch his phone at all, not even to look at photos of the kids. What are those apps? Xx

Now why would that be?

Sorry OP but you need to prepare yourself for the inevitable “girlfriend he met a few weeks after things finished with you”.

Get the bastard out ASAP.