Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

801 replies

Broken12 · 11/04/2024 07:06

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

OP posts:
Original poster
Broken12 · 20/04/2024 09:55

Scaredx · 20/04/2024 09:34

Oh sweetheart xx I'm so sorry. I know we will be ok . We just need to put one foot in front of the other and take each day at a time. We struggle to run 1 household and live hand to mouth. How on earth do we manage 2? Hrs got a great pension coming in 3 years. Lump sun and I've a crap one. Utterly teffified. Xx

We do. Hard to remember that when we’re in the thick if it though.

you’ll be entitled to a share of his pension xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Broken12 · 20/04/2024 09:57

Queencam · 20/04/2024 09:42

I’m so sorry OP.

A lot of this feels familiar to me. I’m still in the part where he says he wants to work on being happy with what he has (me and two very young children). I wonder if he will move onto this next phase too.

What a fool he is. I wish you so much strength going through this shit bit and hope you find all the happiness you deserve on the other side.

Show quote history

Thank you.

i have everything crossed your story works out differently. Look to mid life crisis, I’m convinced he’s in the midst of one xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Broken12 · 20/04/2024 13:02

He’s taken his ring off 😞

OP posts:
Queencam · 20/04/2024 13:07

Broken12 · 20/04/2024 13:02

He’s taken his ring off 😞

I’m so sorry lovely. I can imagine the shock and hurt you must be feeling.

Hope you have support around you in RL? Lean on your loved ones.

This man is a fool. It sounds like you will be well shot of him x x x

Original poster
Broken12 · 20/04/2024 13:24

Said he took it off when he left Thursday as he was angry 😠

I do. Thank you xx

OP posts:
Queencam · 20/04/2024 13:43

Broken12 · 20/04/2024 13:24

Said he took it off when he left Thursday as he was angry 😠

I do. Thank you xx

Why the f was he angry?! This man has taken a hand grenade to your life. He sounds entitled xx

Original poster
Broken12 · 20/04/2024 13:46

Queencam · 20/04/2024 13:43

Why the f was he angry?! This man has taken a hand grenade to your life. He sounds entitled xx

Show quote history

We argued and he told me he is hating coming home at the moment and I’m so focused in being angry I’m not noticing the impact it’s having on him. It ended with me telling him he was a self centred b*stard

OP posts:
Queencam · 20/04/2024 13:57

Broken12 · 20/04/2024 13:46

We argued and he told me he is hating coming home at the moment and I’m so focused in being angry I’m not noticing the impact it’s having on him. It ended with me telling him he was a self centred b*stard

Show quote history

Goodness me. How on earth is he surprised that you are angry?! He sounds incredibly self centred and I’m glad you told him xx

theworldie · 20/04/2024 14:05

Scaredx · 20/04/2024 09:34

Oh sweetheart xx I'm so sorry. I know we will be ok . We just need to put one foot in front of the other and take each day at a time. We struggle to run 1 household and live hand to mouth. How on earth do we manage 2? Hrs got a great pension coming in 3 years. Lump sun and I've a crap one. Utterly teffified. Xx

Are you married? Because you’re entitled to half of his pension you know?

theworldie · 20/04/2024 14:07

Have you read the Script OP?

A lot of what you’re saying sounds very much textbook! 💐

Original poster
Broken12 · 20/04/2024 14:18

theworldie · 20/04/2024 14:07

Have you read the Script OP?

A lot of what you’re saying sounds very much textbook! 💐

I have. He is denying any other woman

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 20/04/2024 14:21

You have already been told this I'm sure but another voice adding to your support

It sucks right now. Ex left me 5/6 years ago now. I've never felt so betrayed and hurt in all my life. I loved him completely. It took me several years to feel ok. You know this will pass. You will be ok and the kids will be just fine. Mine love that dad doesn't live at home. He is loud and aggressive. Home is quiet and happy. And although he tried to hide it he left and moved in with ow.

He is not your friend. I can not emphasise this enough. Do not engage in any conversations about what next with him.

Did you seek legal advice. Do this. He is a reasonable high earner but mesh orders and spousal maintenance are a rarity.

A clean break is best for you and the kids. You know where you stand and he won't be holding the house/financies. Over your head for years.

Legally there will be a share of the house (maybe more than 50%). Share of pensions. Savings and any other assets.

Let the house go. To be secure in your own home is going to be so freeing.

Legally his obligation is to pay 16% of his salary in child support. This is after pension contributions and before tax/NI

Mine promised me the earth to ease his guilt. I'm currently owed nearly £30k in arrears. CMS has no teeth.

What he plans, how contact looks etc is on him. Don't engage with this.

Seek support for you. Counselling helped me in the initial aftermath. My GP start me on anti depressants. They got me through the first year.

Don't be reaching out to him. Journal your feels. Don't reply to messages quickly. Write an answer leave it sit for a bit and see if you still want to send it. Keep stuff factual and without emotion.

The children will be fine they are young they won't remember any of this. You will get yourself and them through this. Just take it one day at a time.

Original poster
Broken12 · 20/04/2024 14:28

unicornsarereal72 · 20/04/2024 14:21

You have already been told this I'm sure but another voice adding to your support

It sucks right now. Ex left me 5/6 years ago now. I've never felt so betrayed and hurt in all my life. I loved him completely. It took me several years to feel ok. You know this will pass. You will be ok and the kids will be just fine. Mine love that dad doesn't live at home. He is loud and aggressive. Home is quiet and happy. And although he tried to hide it he left and moved in with ow.

He is not your friend. I can not emphasise this enough. Do not engage in any conversations about what next with him.

Did you seek legal advice. Do this. He is a reasonable high earner but mesh orders and spousal maintenance are a rarity.

A clean break is best for you and the kids. You know where you stand and he won't be holding the house/financies. Over your head for years.

Legally there will be a share of the house (maybe more than 50%). Share of pensions. Savings and any other assets.

Let the house go. To be secure in your own home is going to be so freeing.

Legally his obligation is to pay 16% of his salary in child support. This is after pension contributions and before tax/NI

Mine promised me the earth to ease his guilt. I'm currently owed nearly £30k in arrears. CMS has no teeth.

What he plans, how contact looks etc is on him. Don't engage with this.

Seek support for you. Counselling helped me in the initial aftermath. My GP start me on anti depressants. They got me through the first year.

Don't be reaching out to him. Journal your feels. Don't reply to messages quickly. Write an answer leave it sit for a bit and see if you still want to send it. Keep stuff factual and without emotion.

The children will be fine they are young they won't remember any of this. You will get yourself and them through this. Just take it one day at a time.

Thank you. I’m so sorry you’ve been through this as well. I’m convinced he is having s mid life crisis but he insists he is fine so nothing else j can do.

he is still in the house at the moment, won’t leave until we’ve decided next steps. My mind keeps changing on what I want re stay or sell. Not sure how I’m meant to make a decision x

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 20/04/2024 14:33

@Broken12 I know the thought of change seems impossible. I promise you a fresh start in your own home will be the stepping stone to the next chapter ahead of you.

Get your ducks in a row. You are not passive in this (I do know how hard that is though). Get legal advice and put your proposal to him.

bluebird3 · 20/04/2024 14:49

Is the school near your mum oversubscribed? If it's only 10 min away then I'd try to move your daughter's place there before September if that's where you will be moving. If it's oversubscribed, get your daughter on the waitlist. Lots can change by September.

Original poster
Broken12 · 20/04/2024 15:03

bluebird3 · 20/04/2024 14:49

Is the school near your mum oversubscribed? If it's only 10 min away then I'd try to move your daughter's place there before September if that's where you will be moving. If it's oversubscribed, get your daughter on the waitlist. Lots can change by September.

I don’t know. I need to call and find out but read no point until after 30th April as that’s when late applications are sorted x

OP posts:
CandidHedgehog · 20/04/2024 15:11

What’s his pension like? Sometimes the pension can be worth as much as the house (mine is).

If so, there’s no rule that says each individual asset has to be split. You might be able to get the entire house in return for him taking his entire pension.

I’m not saying you should do this - that’s something to discuss with your solicitor - but it might be an option for you to consider.

Original poster
Broken12 · 20/04/2024 15:17

CandidHedgehog · 20/04/2024 15:11

What’s his pension like? Sometimes the pension can be worth as much as the house (mine is).

If so, there’s no rule that says each individual asset has to be split. You might be able to get the entire house in return for him taking his entire pension.

I’m not saying you should do this - that’s something to discuss with your solicitor - but it might be an option for you to consider.

Better than mine but Not that high xx

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/04/2024 17:17

Can you afford to stay in the home ? Can you afford the whole mortgage in your name - do you earn enough ?
You need to get the house valued, and find out if you can indeed get a mortgage for his 50% ( on the assumption the property is split 50/50 at the moment, it may change ?when you and he sort out the financials )

Do you really want to stay in the property that you bought together ? with so many hopes and thoughts you would have had for your futures ?

or do you want to start afresh in a home of your own, and make new memories and plans...

he has already decided he is moving somewhere he fancies.

midlife crisis or not.

Original poster
Broken12 · 20/04/2024 17:33

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/04/2024 17:17

Can you afford to stay in the home ? Can you afford the whole mortgage in your name - do you earn enough ?
You need to get the house valued, and find out if you can indeed get a mortgage for his 50% ( on the assumption the property is split 50/50 at the moment, it may change ?when you and he sort out the financials )

Do you really want to stay in the property that you bought together ? with so many hopes and thoughts you would have had for your futures ?

or do you want to start afresh in a home of your own, and make new memories and plans...

he has already decided he is moving somewhere he fancies.

midlife crisis or not.

No, mortgage is 10x salary. I can only afford it he pays half mortgage and child maintenance.

mortgage 328k, house value 650k

at the moment my head is saying to stay until both kids in schools but not fully decided yet.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/04/2024 17:36

do you really think he will pay any mortgage when he is living somewhere else ?

Original poster
Broken12 · 20/04/2024 17:46

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/04/2024 17:36

do you really think he will pay any mortgage when he is living somewhere else ?

I don’t know. We’re having another discussion tonight

OP posts:
Scaredx · 20/04/2024 19:54

Yes married 23 years together 30

CandidHedgehog · 20/04/2024 21:01

Broken12 · 20/04/2024 17:46

I don’t know. We’re having another discussion tonight

Show quote history

Even if he says now that he will contribute to the mortgage / let you keep the house, that is likely to last for as long as he feels guilty. And men like this generally convince themselves they have nothing to feel guilty about the minute they start feeling the financial pinch (or at best, the minute they meet a new woman which tends to be a month or two at most).

Original poster
Broken12 · 20/04/2024 21:17

CandidHedgehog · 20/04/2024 21:01

Even if he says now that he will contribute to the mortgage / let you keep the house, that is likely to last for as long as he feels guilty. And men like this generally convince themselves they have nothing to feel guilty about the minute they start feeling the financial pinch (or at best, the minute they meet a new woman which tends to be a month or two at most).

Show quote history

We haven’t really gotten any further.

he still needs to look at financials but has said if we well he’ll give me more (know it means nothing until written in stone).

ive just asked him to really, really think about if this is what he really want a x

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread