I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement today x

Well done. You're super woman. As I've always said..

I’ve read all this tread and it’s like reading my life since the end of July, except my dear husband told me he didn’t love me anymore and had feelings for our daughters best friends mum. We are currently nesting in our house (one parent stays so many nights while the other leaves) and it’s awful. My kids are 9 and almost 5.

My heart is breaking for the man I thought I’d known for the last 24 years. But it turns out he’s just a twat. He broke up his 12 year marriage for someone he said he just had feeling for and not even kissed, said they had a ‘’connection” He now takes my kids out with her and her son and it kills every time.

Your thread has given me some good pointers and the confidence to file for divorce and get moving on. As much as I don’t want to. 😔

My heart is breaking for the man I thought I’d known for the last 24 years. But it turns out he’s just a twat. He broke up his 12 year marriage for someone he said he just had feeling for and not even kissed, said they had a ‘’connection” He now takes my kids out with her and her son and it kills every time.

I get this, but so many times I see people say on here they don't understand why people have affairs, and how they should leave/end the marriage first which sounds like what your husband did? And I've always said "does it make it any easier/better". So genuinely asking your point of view on this @Doughnutsforlife - would it have been somehow easier if he'd left after a fullblown affair rather than on a feeling?

It’s been an emotional affair for quite some time. It doesn’t matter that they hadn’t got physical, it’s still a betrayal.

We had so many plans for the future. We went on the holiday of a lifetime to Disney World in May. He completely blindsided me out of nowhere and then the switch to being cold and like a complete stranger is so shocking when you think you know someone inside out who was your absolute best friend.

Heartbreaking 😔😔 so sorry you’re going through this

That is how I see it too @Doughnutsforlife I was just interested in your thoughts because people always say 'they should have left before that point' like it would make the betrayal any easier to cope with. Sorry that you are going through this right now.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through similar. It’s so scary that the person they/we thought they were can just disappear and they see no wrong. We too had plans for the future and they are all gone now.

do you have plans to see the house?

Thank you, it’s been a really tough few months. I hate the days I’m not with the kids, but I’ve started a fitness class and make plans to see friends on the nights I’m not with them.

I’m not sure I can keep the house unfortunately as much as I would like to 😔

I need to get myself into a proper routine on the days he has the kids and really want to find an exercise class to commit to!

weve agreed I’m staying in ours until my youngest starts school in 3 years but then I’ll have to sell 😞 unless I win the lottery! I need to start actually playing it tho 🙈

Oh @Doughnutsforlife , I am so sorry to read this and what a shit he is. As for your friend, well what a cow. Your poor DD too who must be so confused. If you want to start your own thread it might mean you get more advice and support as your post might get missed, but stay if you want.

I asked for a trial separating last summer but ex h didn't believe me and decided we were done. I filed for divorce in October last year and it was finalised in July. The home is sold and I'm buying 100s of miles away. He's living with mummy and dating a new widow.

It is better if you file as you lead the process more. Lock away all your paperwork so he can't take it if you're nesting.

@Doughnutsforlife im so sorry. A partner who is genuinely committed should be able to see that having a ‘connection’ outside of their marriage is something they should nip in the bud straight away before it becomes something real and instead focus on strengthening the marriage. Instead he’s let himself become intoxicated by the fantasy of the new and exciting, has selfishly allowed this to happen and in the process has irrevocably broken your relationship and given himself permission to shut off his feelings for you in favour of OW. It’s unbearably cruel and self-centred. Hopefully the fact OW knows deep down she can never trust him not to do the same to her is slightly satisfying.

Marriage isn’t always easy but when you make vows they should mean something. At least @Broken12 ex kept her informed of where he was at emotionally (to a certain extent) and doesn’t appear to have had an affair. Whatever the circumstances it’s awful for your person to do a 180 on their feelings for you, not sure having a reason or not helps with moving on or not, i suspect either way hurts like hell.

I do wonder if men like this lack something, whether it’s self control, introspection, empathy for others I don’t know. Not saying women don’t do this but there have been so many threads over the last few months of men just up and leaving their families out of the blue and every one has multiple comments of others saying this happened to me or someone I know. I get this is a female dominated site but I wonder whether there is something in the way brains of different sex operate, making it easier or more likely for men to just flip a switch. Maybe there’s something biological that some of them can’t overcome because they’re too weak to see what they’re giving up.

It definitely helps to have something to do! I’ve had a bit of a glow up, lost nearly 2 stone, had my hair cut short, bought a load of new clothes and a new car!

I play the lottery, but it’s not getting me anywhere 🤦🏼‍♀️

My ex wants his equity so that he can move on! Either that or buy me out so he can stay here. He runs his business from home.

Wow, go you!! I can’t stop shopping at Tyne moment for clothes for myself which is so unlike me, it’s normally just for the kids! Having my hair cut in a couple of weeks and debating whether to try a colour.

yeah there’s no way I’d let him buy me out (he couldn’t anyway but don’t like the idea of me having to move and him and the kids staying in the family home!)

Thank you. I started my own thread yesterday, but came across this thread and just felt the need to comment as in a very similar boat! It sucks 😔

My DD blamed herself at first for being friends with OW’s son and wanting to play after school. Thats how they have become close. 😭

Exactly!! I asked if when we booked Disney did he book it as a last family hurrah before splitting us up and he said no. I asked if he still loved me when we booked it in January he said yes. He told her he had feelings when we got back in June. Now the memories are all tainted and I can’t bear to look at the photos 😔 It was my birthday while we were there and he treated me like a princess. None of it makes any sense.

I’ve asked him to go to therapy, to start again from scratch, try dating again as this had kind of dried up with having a young family, but he won’t entertain it. He says he hasn’t cheated, but he monkey branched straight to her. He’s deluded. There is no way it will last, her living situation is complicated, they barely see each other. But he says even if he wasn’t with her, he still doesn’t want to be with me. Wrecks my head as we were still being “intimate” until the week before he told me. How could he do that and then switch his feeling off immediately.

I only lost the weight because I could barely eat, and what I do goes straight through. 🙈

Definitely go for it! I got loads of compliments (even from Captain nobhead!) and it made me feel loads better 💁‍♀️

That kills me too, I hate the thought of him staying here after completely turning my life upside down. Really pisses me off. But then the other half of me feels like I’d be better off somewhere fresh and new with no memories. I’ve only lived in the house I grew up in and this house. I just can’t imagine not living here 😢😢

I definitely think men’s brains must work very differently to women’s and attitudes to sex and emotional affairs just confirm that. That’s why it’s so much harder for women to end a relationship and why men seemingly just ‘decide’ their feelings have changed. Sounds like you are still very much in the grieving process but hopefully you are in a place of not taking him back if he changes his mind. Therapy for yourself can’t hurt either.

I'm sure you've reassured your DD but keep doing so. When they are so little they need repeated conversations with some things.

I understand in the eating point, j was like that the first couple of months.

it’s rubbish, isn’t it, it’s like a lose lose and none of it is what we want!

I'm 15 months down the line and my eating is still rubbish. Frustrating as I'm glad to be away from him but fuck it hurts today what he's done.

Oh god yeah, but it hurts like hell every time she wants to play and he takes her out with them both 😞

I don’t think I’m in that place yet, no. I still love him and still feel we could work it out. I know I’m an idiot and totally delulu but I can’t help it. 😭😭😭

Have a think about whether your dd spending time with them is for the best for her.