I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

Thanks for bumping @helloelsie as this had fallen off my list.

How are youn@Broken12 ? Sorry for disappearing.

Hey

the majority of the time I’m doing ok. He’s got his own place and is kind of in between whilst he furnishes it. We only really speak now if it’s to do with the kids. He’s hoping to have the kids at his for the first time in 2 weeks so we’ll have to then tell them. I torn between just doing it then or waiting until Oct half term week so my daughter has the week to process it. But now sure if that’s just dragging it out further for no reason. Any who’s been through it would appreciate your thought? She’s 4 so just started school and is Loving it so far, just don’t want to change that

hope everyone else is doing ok. Xx

Doing what then @Broken12 ? Do you mean you've not told the kids you split? How have you explained him not living there?

No, they still don’t know. Who used to always be back after bed time a lot when we were together anyway so we’ve just said he’s working. Time with him wise it won’t be any different for them. It will be seeing me less and staying at his that will be different

So sorry you're going through this. We told our daughter a week after she started school this term, and I was dreading it. I was trying to delay it until half term but then I had a conversation with my daughter where it turned out she'd noticed all the oddness between us, including my husband being away for work a lot, and she assumed it was because he didn't love her anymore because "I know I can be hard work". She said this to me in a totally matter-of-fact way, and I realised we had to tell her what was happening or else she'd keep filling in the blanks herself. Kids are very good at picking up on strange atmospheres.

She has been upset, but actually now it's all out in the open it's been so much easier to have conversations with her about how she's feeling, and she says she's much less worried about it now. The other adults in her life can talk about it with her too, and she's told her friends.

I'd recommend talking to her teacher, they will have handled similar situations lots of times. Our school has been so supportive, e.g. I'm able to stay with her for a bit longer in the mornings and she has a comfy "quiet space" in her classroom where she can go whenever she's feeling sad.

Good luck. It's so hard but honestly it will get better once it's not hanging over all of you. x

Should have said she's 6!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and reading what your daughter said is heart breaking. I’m glad she’s able to talk about it now. I will speak to her teacher about it all if I can grab her without my daughter seeing. It’s like I just want it all done with now but at the same time that means the start of having less time with my children so also don’t want to do any of it x

Having less time with them is so scary but you will find a balance that works for you. I'm only 3 weeks in, but already I'm finding that having a regular pattern is really helpful, because I can organise things for myself on the Dad days which are fun and distracting, and it means I focus on looking after myself on those days. But my ex is only doing one drop-off, one evening (at my house) and one weekend day a week, so she's mostly with me. I'm so sad for her that she doesn't get to see him more, but relieved that I don't have to share her.

I'm going through this at the moment and trying to negotiate a fair split of time with DC, ex wants them 50:50 but I'm not sure how this works as in how many days per week. It seems they will be constantly moving between the houses and I'm scared of the lonely nights on my own without them. What has worked best for others?

Yes mine are only 1&4 and his new house is 30 mins away (not exactly far but school traffic and where is is can take 50 mins) I don’t want her having to do that before or after school on his days. We are currently proposing mon and Tues are his days and every other weekend. He struggled to get her to school from this house though which is literally 2 mins away so don’t know how he’ll ever do it from his. I know that’s his problem but when it’s impacting my children it’s also mine. I just want what’s best for them

I think a note for the teacher that says I need to speak with you privately, can you please arrange.

He doesn't have them overnight yet. A four year old can not send fifty minutes int he car before school. It is not necessary. He can pick her up from school, take her for food nearer your house than his and drop her back. Or you pick her up from the restaurant.

But definitely tell them. As @janiejonstone said, kids are smart. They pick up on things and they don't always know what. They just know something is wrong and make up their own story.

We’ve sat and spoke tonight.

we’re going to tell them in 2 weeks and see if she wants to go see the house with the aim for her to sleepover October half term week.

j can’t see him having them school nights for a very long time as it’s just too much for them x

I think there should be time between telling them and then expecting or offering a sleepover. Too much at once won't help.

Need to find some strength today.

we’ve told my daughter today that daddy has a new house near work and that’s where he’s been staying. Does she want to go see it? She said yes. We then said she can stay there sometimes so she doesn’t have to go so long without seeing daddy. He’s going to take them both later via the toy shop to pick something to keep there. I’m going to go round later on to see it and have dinner there to try and show her it’s all ok

im just getting ready to go out for a bit as don’t want to be here when then go.

she didn’t really say much my daughter, she doesn’t really get the significance of it all yet x

Good luck OP. The significance will take a while to sink in for her, be prepared to be asked the same questions and explain it lots of times over the next weeks and months. My daughter's school gave us a couple of picture books about different families which have been really helpful - it lets her ask questions about the book without it being too scary or intense for her.

@Broken12 this must be a really hard step as him having his own place makes it all very real. It’s good that you’ve given yourself the time to get your head together and be ready for this next step before telling your DD. It sounds like you are both being very careful in handling this but you’re right that she likely doesn’t really understand fully what’s happening. I’m sure you are offering as much and support and comfort as you can, obviously establishing a new routine will be important for her feeling secure. No doubt there will be some outlet for her emotions at some point such as tantrums, bed wetting or issues regulating her behaviour. From what you’ve said you and your ex have her best interest at heart and are able to work together to support her however she needs. You might find she’s totally fine and just accepts it all as the new normal, kids feed off others emotions so if you’re able to maintain that you and her dad are calm and happy about the situation that will hopefully help. I know it must be tearing you up inside but you are so strong.

Thank you both. Trying to get myself in an emotionally good place for this afternoon. I know a lot of it is me over thinking things and thinking of worst case scenario I just can’t help it.

I want to fast forward the next few months and be in our new normal but don’t want to miss/waste any time with my babies thinking of that. I’ve got lots planned for Halloween and Xmas then both their bdays are in Jan. but worried it’s all going to come crashing down in Feb when/if I allow myself to stop and have a breather. Just trying to plough through it all at the moment as worried if I stop I won’t get started again

Hi @Broken12 I am glad to see you and well done for all that you are doing.

Before the toy shopping make sure she understand the toys are to be left there. I would also buy her two of the same soft toys so she can have one at each house. It may help her connect the houses with both being her homes. It will take a time and she will ask the same questions so you will both have to be patient and answer over and over until she processes and understands.

You do need to breathe. You are living your new normal already. Don't be waiting for something to happen. We can have a tendency to be looking towards the engagement, the marriage, the babies then we think what now? With a divorce we are waiting for the good stuff to start or the shock to be got over when actually from the minute the decision is made, we are starting our new life then.

My ex H has a new woman already. I'm certain it has been going on longer than he has said. The DC are unimpressed. She's welcome to him but goodness he flipped a switch with how he was being with me once he clocked her.

Thank you for the soft toy idea, I’ll do that.

yes you’re right. This is my normal now. I’ve always been one to look forward to things and forgetting to just be in the moment. The last few years feel like a blur and that’s make me so sad. I know I’ve had some amazing time with my children but it also seems like none of it happened.

oh I’m sorry 😞 have your children met her? Is he being a dick to you now? X

Sending you a hand hold OP.

You’ve got this - and they’ve got you always.

The time they are with him you can rest and regroup and then have the patience and re-energised enthusiasm to be the best mum you can be.

Plus you can also start to re-find you - what you like and how you want to spend your time and what your life looks like now. Bigger and better and truer, now you’re shot of him xxx

He's been being a dick to me since the day I said I wanted a trial separation. Kids not met her. Not interested.

😞 I’m sorry he’s such a dick!

Me too but I'm happy to not be with him now I know who he really is. He's lied for 27 years. It's a headfuck.

Yep. Scary how we find out we never really know them at all x

I’ve done it. It Went a lot better to how I’d imagined in my head. Don’t get me wrong it was bloody strange but I’m glad I’ve seen where they will be staying. I can see he is trying, he’s just useless. Daughter hasn’t asked any questions yet tho except if she could try out her bed and use the toilet 🤣

she’ll be staying over in 2 weeks time so not long until the next hurdle x