I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

I’m ready to take control. I’m going to apply for the divorce.

we spoke last night and there is no way back, if he ever loved me then he’d fight for he but he’s not. It’s all been a lie. He said last night that our relationship probably changed before we got married but we had the excitement then of marriage, making a family etc but now that’s gone. He was never in it for the long haul. I feel like such a fool. I’m not letting him control me any longer. He can be alone and miserable for ever. I’m going to make an amazing life for me and the kids and I’ll only speak to him about the kids.

he’s already saying well if I want x from the house he wants them 50/50 straight away like they are bargaining tools. His true colours are starting to show already

What a prick. The 50/50 bargaining tool being used is just despicable. It sounds a lot like he’s rewriting history to me. Sorry OP this is all very distressing.

He wasn’t in for the long haul? Your relationship changed before marriage?
why didn’t he let you go to find someone else and what’s the benefit of saying all this now?

Fuck him OP.

hold onto that anger and let it fuel you through the next steps.

You sound like a strong woman and I have no doubt you have much happiness ahead of you with your lovely kids.

😲😲😲 omg op that's brutal.
What an utter arse.
So sorry you're dealing with this, good luck through the process of divorce and I hope the freedom from him you are working towards is your soon.
Hope you have some RL support. 💐

Flipping heck. I am so sorry @Broken12 but you aren't the fool. It is him for letting you go. But you do know he's taking crap? He is saying all this to try and save face. He did love you, did want a family but something has happened to put him where he is now and he has to rewrite history to make it more palatable to himself. He has to justify the behaviour he knows is shitty. Mine tried to tell me we were divorcing because if X. I said no it is Y. I still can't remember what nonsense he came up with as it was so insignificant but I do wish I could recall what he said.

I always knew he wouldn't fight for me but when he didn't it added to the hurt. Just reframe it as it is his failing, not yours.

Channel this anger into moving forward.

It is really easy to apply for a divorce on line. It is just under £600 and you need to scan in your marriage certificate. Make sure you tick yes to wanting a financial order. See a solicitor ASAP. It is vital you for file divorce as a single applicant as you then drive it.

It is not for him to say what you can have. The courts decide that so don't take any notice, do not agree to anything and just keep looking after the children and yourself. Get a notebook to write everything down he says, demands, threatens as you will need this and include all the times he lets the children down. As he will.

You've got this and we've got you.

“hold onto that anger and let it fuel you through the next steps”

that must be one of the best quotes I have ever heard.

I repeat:

as for the 50/50

do you really think he will collect the children at say 6pm on a Sunday, have them for the whole week and return them at 6pm the following Sunday...

as that could be one way of doing 50/50

do you really see him doing that ! does he work oh yes didn't make it home to talk until the children were bathed / his lovely in city flat - oh yes having children for 7 days will ruin that lifestyle / no dating for a complete week...

he is using the children as a bargaining tool and you know it !

you have already had legal advice, get the house on the market

you need to know where you are living by Sept 1st for school !

What a prick..

what I would stop doing though op is telling him how upsetting it will be for the children if you go 50/50 etc.. he knows that already and he knows that’s your trigger point so will push that button to get what he wants, so don’t communicate anything like that with him anymore..

by all means fight for what you want but you need to keep your vulnerabilities to yourself, he’s not a decent human being so will only use it to his advantage.

I’m done talking to him now, I’m done pleading, I’m done with him.

i’m Focusing on myself and the kids now. I’m going the find the marriage certificate today and file for divorce tonight. He does not control my future anymore

Good for you.

Filing brought up a lot of emotions for me but I was glad to take charge and be in control of the process.

find your anger and use it productively !

do not allow him to force you to buy your children !

Just take a breath as well. I thought about it for a couple of days after my solicitor told me to file. I then emailed STBEH to tell him I'd be filing but then waited another 2 or three days. I waited until I was ready. I knew it was the right thing and what I wanted and had to happen but it still needs to be the right moment. Don't force anything. You need to do everything in your own time.

Absolutely. If he wants to be single ( yeah, right ) he can get out of the house and live alone somewhere else.

I haven’t done it yet. I’m taking that breather. Todays been a lot better ss he’s been out all day and still out now. Nice to have that space

Take all the time you need @Broken12 just be careful you don't wait too long and he get in first. I knew my STBEH might sneak in but I decided me feeling it was the right moment was more important.

He won’t get a notification straight away, I think it took the best part of two weeks from memory before he got the info as the documentation has to be checked by court staff.

Honestly, the whole thing takes so long (and that is if nobody starts delay tactics) I would get moving asap.

He is getting prepared. Mark my words.

Mine got notification a lot quicker than I expected and he'd had it by the time I was told he had. I didn't get notice when it was going to him.

That must have been so satisfying!

How are you doing @Broken12 ?

Hi all. Sorry for the radio silence, still trying to process it but remember to try and enjoy life at the same time. We’ve spoken at length and it really seems like he’s feelings have just changed. Which makes jut worse I think, the feeling of rejection. He just isn’t in love with my anymore. He is saying now he really wants me and the kids to stay in the house even if it means him moving in with his parent an hour away and commuting to work and us. Says selfishly he will feel a lot better if we don’t have to move. Don’t know how that will give him the happiness he wants tho….I guess he was SO unhappy with me that he’s willing to do that

I'd take his offer of the house with both hands, sounds grabby but it will only take him having an interest in another woman to completely change his mind. He is not your friend now, you need to look after you and the dc. See a solicitor