I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

Big virtual hug. Thinking of you.

Just focus on what needs to happen now. You and kids clean and fed and safe. Everything else is optional. Gather your network around you. He is not your support person now. Lean on others you will get through this.

Deep breaths OP. You can do this.

I think you’ll feel better once he’s gone.

The anticipation is often worse.

I understand the rage. Mine tried to give another reason for why I finished things and when I said that's not why it's over he asked why it was. FFS. I'll never get to say anything more as he doesn't see the point in discussing the end of our marriage. It pains me that his wider family and brother actually don't know why it is over. I know he lied to my son about why it's over so he will have lied to everyone he has told.

Saying you'll be happier without him is him trying ri make himself the victim.

You will go through many feelings every day and even if you have days, weeks, months of feeling okay you still might feel like it is day one or two or it's suddenly hit you. Be prepared and then it won't be a shock and you'll be able to cope with it.

How are you doing today @Broken12 ?

How long have you owned your house? There will be some decent equity in it if its been 8 years or more so maybe you could down size and afford something smaller alone? If you have a decent deposit ie the equity in your house then you can get better interest rates. Make sure he pays decent child suport and does his part with the kids so you get some you time. It's so saddening and you will feel very devastated and alone but this will make you stronger in the long run.

Hi all

So I’ve seen a solicitor who said our proposal is fair and would be approved but that child maintenance is completely separate and will need to be paid if he doesn’t have them 50/50

he is still living at home at the moment. He said he was going to view a place last week but not sure if he actually went, we’re barely speaking.

i had some other bad news in the family this week so I’ve kind of paused this in my head at the moment as right now it doesn’t seem so important. The person should be ok as it’s been caught early but still got to have 3 months worth of treatment with a load of possible side effects x

You are doing well. Step by step x

Sorry about your additional bad news. Fingers crossed for an easy ride of treatment and a good result.

The solicitor appointment sounds like a step forward. Have you thought about custody? 50/50 would have killed me, but I know not everyone feels this way.

Yes 50/50 seems a bit ambitious of him (IMO)

50/50 will break me and I just can’t see the kids coping. He’s a good dad when he is here and focused and I’d never deny him seeing them but with his job I just cannot see it working

In my case my ex had an affair and the thought of then having to hand my kids over to the guy who left me holding the baby (and 2 toddlers) to be off shagging the OW was just too much to bear. I also don’t really think 50/50 is good for kids particularly. He now skips out on his time with them quite regularly which is fine with me.

I think under 5 it is usually in the best interests to be with the mother is it not?

Certainly 1 year old!

They’re used to not seeing him so probably won’t bat an eye lid but I’m always the one that’s there for them. I’ve had 4 nights (1 at a time) Away from my 4 year old and only 2 from my son who is 16 months. I know they’d hate it x

Don't worry. He won't be having them 50/50. It's nearly always just words to frighten someone into doing something other than what they want.

Sorry to hear about your relative.

I’ve told him 50/50 isn’t going to work for the kids. They’re not going to manage.

those who have been through this…how the hell do I stop loving him!? I’d love to at some point be ‘friends’ as in be able to co
Parent well and be at kids events together. But right now he’s acting like the last 15 years meant nothing to him so we’re barely talking. I wish I could just switch off my feelings like he seemingly has but I just can’t.

Quite simply I did not love him at all andfor a long while and I had to wait until my DD was 13 as no way would I let him have custody unless she chose it. I was quite literally counting down the days. (due to the particular circumstances and situation I was in, I was able to mostly live fairly apart)

He is extremely abusive but would not initiate divorce.

Your feelings will switch off. When you have time and space to think clearly.
You need time and space.

I never remained friends with my ex or co parented at school events. Why would l spend any time with or be friends with someone who treated me in the same way you’ve been treated?

28 years ago and l have nothing to do with him. And never have. He saw ds, but we never co parented..

How old were you when you split?

31

Sorry I meant how old were your children. I feel like with mine being so young we need ti be able to do parent well

Do not take on that task or expectation; do what you are required to do as their mother and nothing more for him or for what he is required to do.
You simply have to do this. Or you will be doing it ALL while he says he does 30% or whatever.
Do not expect to "co parent" well. You will, he will not. (From what you have said about him, obviously some do)

as for the 50/50

do you really think he will collect the children at say 6pm on a Sunday, have them for the whole week and return them at 6pm the following Sunday...

as that could be one way of doing 50/50

do you really see him doing that ! does he work oh yes didn't make it home to talk until the children were bathed / his lovely in city flat - oh yes having children for 7 days will ruin that lifestyle / no dating for a complete week...

He was 17 months old.

30 now, happy, working in an enviable job. Describes his dad as a crap dad. Or a dick.

Ive never said anything about him. He worked it out for himself.

I stopped loving my STBEH in a second because he said something beyond cruel. You will have your moment @Broken12 . Hopefully it won't be because he lets your children down or tries to screw you and them over with money or lies to you, but it ii will come and you will stop caring. He is not the person you fell in love with as that man would not be treating you as he is. Tell yourself that and hopefully it will help you realise you don't love him, your brain is just tricking you into loving what you thought you had.

I am in different to my ex as I know he can't hurt me anymore but I've been very distressed at what he has done to me and the children. I'll never forgive him but I'm happy I'm divorcing him and that helps.

My children are now 18-23 and we split last summer so of course no joint parenting but I will not be friends with him ever. We have had to spend time together these last couple of days but I have acknowledged something we dealt with together while commenting on the reality of my feelings for him. Just to remind him. Yesterday I had to have an emergency vet visit and when I left my pet there he offered a hug. I said no, I can't it will set me off when actually I was already crying and did not want him touching me. After I came back and she and been put to sleep he didn't offer again thank goodness. I did cry down the phone to him but that was because I was being mindful she has been his for a decade plus as well, not because we were bonded but I wasn't crying for him. I just knew I had to tell him what had happened with her.

I tell you this to say that there maybe times when you have to come together a support each other but it doesn't mean you are friends, it is just a means to get through tough times.