I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

I agree, sort it out while he still feels guilty.

Well if he’s said he’s happy for you to have the house, there is nothing stopping him moving out now, straight away to give you the distance you so desperately need. He’s not looking for a new place to live so he really has no excuse not to move quickly in with his parent.

longterm how will this look? Does he plan to give you all the equity in the house? What happens to the mortgage, can you afford it on your own? Something official needs to be drawn up because if he’s just offering to stay on the mortgage for the time being that gives you no security, he could change his mind at any moment and you don’t need that uncertainty. For someone who claims their feelings changed a very long time ago, he really hasn’t put much thought or planning into this. You’d expect someone who’d been feeling this for a while to have things more thought out.

I am so so sorry you are going through this, it’s horrible and it will hurt like hell. Eventually though you’ll start to heal and things will slowly get better. In order to do that though you need space, at the moment you are stuck in a sort of horrible limbo. You’re not quite separated, yet you aren’t together either. I really don’t understand why he’s being so reticent to move out.

Don't take him at his word. My STBEH promised stuff then backtracked. I got it all anyway as I refused to give in and he had to.

See a solicitor and get it in writing but, you have to know that the agreement goes before a judge and they say yes or know. You might not get it even though your STBEH says he's giving you his half of the house.

Deleted as double posted thanks to slow internet.

Oh he’s not that generous. He wants to see if I’m future he could somehow use the equity in this house to get a deposit himself. At some point we’d had to sell. I don’t know if I want all this hanging over me, feel like it’s best to just sell now and be financially independent.

it hurts that he’s willing to consider all this in order to get away from me. I really don’t understand what I’ve done that is so awful. A man I thought I’d be spending my life with and he’s willing to move im with his dad an hour away to get away from me

Agree with others to put yourself into as good a position as you can whilst he feels remorse. This is all his decision and so he should do what he can to make the transition easier on you and the kids. Your life will invariably be harder than his going forward and I guarantee that once he gets another woman the fairness will dry up.

Remember he isn’t getting away from you, he’s escaping the guilt of not living up to vows he made and responsibilities he took on but can’t handle. It’s a weakness on his part not an expression that you are unlovable.

In that case I’d get out as soon as you can. The threat and tie will be constantly hanging over you and you’ll never be able to relax.

What I would do is make him move out now, he can pack a bag and go and stay at his Dad’s straight away. He’s willing to move in there so he needs to do this now.

Can you afford to stay in your current area? I think you previously mentioned possibly moving closer to your Mum, is this still an option? It’s so shit he’s done this just as your eldest is just about to start school.

As a side note, how much custody does he want and how does he plan on housing the children whilst they are with him if he’s living with his Dad?

I think maybe before either of you make final decisions, take a month out apart as a trial. Get him to move in with his Dad, keep communication between you two to a minimum and solely about any immediate issues with the children. Keep child swaps brief and polite. It gives you both a month to think about you individually want, without input from the other person. Try to mirror childcare arrangements as close to what you’ve discussed previously. See if can actually cope with having the kids as much as he says he wants. Use this month as a trial, but I really think it would be beneficial to you to really have as little communication as possible with him during this period.

Sorry to be cynical (but I am getting divorced next week)

His plan is not to move to his Dads at all. He needs time to sort out his end plan so is putting you and house sale on temporary hold. Moving to Dads is at best a month or so.

This man has worked it all out. Just not quite quickly enough. I believe someone else is involved.

Move him out immediately and start a divorce immediately.

I tend to agree that I think there’s someone else hovering in the background.

I know this is what I need to do but I’m still finding it so hard to cut him out. It would be so much easier to just be ‘normal’ but I know I have to face reality, I’m just not strong enough to do so yet.

in his head he’d have them Monday evening at mine and stay over in spare room then have them Tuesday evening at mine then go to his dads. Then every other weekend take them to his dads for the weekend (a house with limited room and no toys)

im trying to figure out what is best for my children now. Yes it would be less upheaval and wouldn’t have to change schools. But I think I’d feel very lovely staying the the ‘family home’ we bought together by myself and just feel completely abandoned. I feel buying a place that is purely Mine will be a sign of a fresh start for me but means more upheaval for the kids. But then if I stay we’ll have to sell at some point so it’s like we’re still tied.

my head is all over the place and I still keep thinking it’s all not real, it’s just a bit argument that’s got blown way out of proportion and one day he’ll realise and come back to me 💔

He’s not having them if you’re there! What are you supposed to do? Go out all evening?

It would be up to me but yes I’d go out with friends or to an exercise class and leave him to it

No.
simple NO

he doesn't move in and out every Mon and Tues

he moves out. Full stop.

It's his choice if he stays with a relative

or rents this fancy single life flat in town that he's been talking about.

This has all been treading water for almost a couple of months.

Has either of you actually initiated the divorce
How is the house being on the market coming along
school now starts in 3 months

No matter how much you hope he changes his mind and decides he does love you and wants to be married to you, he is not - he decided that months ago, you said in April that he was feeling like this a year ago.

Strike while the iron is hot i.e. he's deciding to feel guilty !

We had the house valued and he’s not worth as much as we thought so this is where all this has come from

i know I’m being stupid but I still cannot accept that this is my real life

Every other weekend at relatives home will be fine, if it's not ideal it will hurry him up into finding somewhere for him !

What you do need to put in place, is how soon he is going to introduce new girlfriend/s to them - make this non negiotable on your part be very very firm !

You are not being 'stupid', lass. You are having an entirely natural response. Please do consider what everyone is saying here - honestly we are trying to support x

OMG you cannot see what I see so clearly.
Take control and have some respect for yourself. This is ALL on his terms. While he keeps you in limbo.

You will make yourself ill. Honestly, you will.

I am so sorry.

I guarentee this time next year you will kick yourself.

He needs to move in with his dad and have the kids every other weekend.

I know it’s incredibly hard for you and I completely get why you are trying to cling on. I realise you are trying to get him to come to his senses. Unfortunately that is not going to happen, especially if you stay in this weird kind of limbo. He needs to move out and be confronted with his new reality. He doesn’t get to walk in and out as he choses. He moves in with his Dad, he has the children every other weekend and Monday and Tuesday. He picks them up from school and nursery, he takes them back to his Dad’s house and he looks after them on his own. He doesn’t get to swan back into your house. If the kids know you are there they are going to want you in the night or at breakfast, that’s not him solo parenting.

I’d at least file for divorce, you don’t have to progress it at this stage but file. Then work on yourself. When the children are with their Dad meet up with friends, go to the gym, see if there are any evening classes on a Monday or Tuesday night which interest you. Do things purely for you, to help you regain some confidence and have fun.

Let the dust settle for a little while, a month a part gives you both thinking time of how you see the future looking. I really really feel the biggest thing you can do to help yourself and your situation is to completely disengage from him from him for a while, not only will it help you start to take the first tentative steps to moving on but it will also give him a short, sharp introduction to his new reality.

Sending you a huge hug OP.

I’m so sorry he is hurting you like this. He doesn’t deserve you.

Re-find your anger and feel your inner strength. You can and will be happy without him.

This isn't about you. This is about HIM. There is a reason why all this has happened, you just don't know it yet.

You ARE strong enough. You're a mother and that gives you superpowers. Tell yourself you can do this and it will become self fulfilling. Believe me, I'd never have thought I could do and cope as well as I am and it turns out I really can. If I can, you can.

It is worse for the dc if he sleeps over at your house and looks after them there. It is too confusing. He needs to sort out suitable accommodation and equipment for his children. Do not do it for him.

You are NOT stupid. You are hurting, in shock, blindsided, scared, worried, anxious, probably exhausted. 💐

How are you doing @Broken12 ? Has he moved out yet to give you some much needed space?