I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

Hi @Broken12 how are you doing?

Hey. Been taking some time to really think but no further really. I’m personally waiting to see what happens with my daughters school place to then push what j want. Also found out there’s s considerable fee to exit our mortgage before the end of the year. He’s still here and still no divorce application.

This weekend was weird. Somehow felt like one of the best in a while. Both had our own time. Both done something together with kids. He’s helped out with house work so not all been on me. Just wish he’d actually asked me what I needed to be happy (been saying it was making him ill trying to make me happy) and he was willing to actually try 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn't waste time trying to understand him @Broken12 as it makes no sense. You can file for divorce on your own and it would actually be better for you if you did as you then control things. Don't let this drag on with you living in limbo. He isn't in charge, he's not the boss of you so don't act as if he is and don't let him assume he is.

The only reason I haven’t filed is because i refuse to pay for it and refuse to do all of the work - it’s always been me who has to do it all! If no progress in a few weeks tho I will. I’m afraid I’ll always be searching for answers as truthfully I think I’ve gone back into the denial stage x

Sorry I have not read the full thread but you should ask for more than 50/50 of the house as your mortgage capacity is lower than his.

@Broken12 Like @BirthdayRainbow, I filed so I could feel more in control of the process - it’s really helped me knowing that I’m in the drivers seat so to speak!

If you file first, you can dictate the pace - to a degree. Take back your own power and dignity.

When I saw my solicitor he said to me if I was certain it was over to file and I would 100% say do this. It's about £573 but for me it was absolutely worth it. Do everything you can to make it happen.

This week I've got the result I wanted and I'm not sure I would have if he'd have filed.

Hi OP, I listened to this and thought of you... Thought it might be helpful to you perhaps.

Only you know what’s right for you. Perhaps that will be divorce, perhaps not. Have you had any marriage counselling?

This talk of making you happy sounds unclear to me. A good therapist could help you both untangle that.

Not saying you should stay with him. Just that things are not always black and white are they. And that only you really know what’s right for you.

Hi all

I’m back. I’ll be honest I took some time away from here as I’d gone back into denial. The last week or so has been good, he’s been like the perfect husband (aside from romance). I’d also read up on adhd in relationships (something he always kind of jokingly said he had but was never serious about it) and it was like someone had been watching our relationship. I’d convinced myself that it if we could understand it then we’d make it work.

however just had a conversion and it’s definitely over. He said he’s still here as the while moving out and breaking the family process terrifies him. I’ve told him he needs to go now asap as he’s breaking me him being here every day and having to be normal for the kids. I cannot accept it is happening with him here.

it’s like he’s hit me all over again that it’s happening

Sending hugs. Hang in there.

@Broken12 it is so hard when you realise it really is over. Even when you want it to happen, or know it is the right thing or even when you know you have no choice. I'm feeling really sad at the moment as the divorce is getting towards the end and why I ended it is something I worried might happen and tried to make sure it didn't right when we started dating. Yet here we are.

So I understand, it is shit for you and it will be really hard getting through what has to come but you will come out of it okay and you will build a new, different but better future for yourself. You've got this and we've got you.

When you feel ready make sure you file for divorce as a sole applicant. Don't let him do it. It means you drive things.

Thank you

im so full of rage and anger today. How can we look at my daughters face knowing her while little innocent world is about to change because of his actions and then just go about his day

@Broken12
because he checked out long ago. Because to justify this to himself you will all be better off in the long run
because he deserves to be happy and you will all be ok in the end

That is what I got. My reply was of course it will all be ok. What are the other options.

Stay angry. And take control of the situation now. He has made his bed he can go and lie on it.

That’s exactly what he is saying. He told me this is just the end of a chapter in my life

The end of a chapter in his life? The chapter in which he's a decent parent?
He doesn't get to stop being a parent. He's choosing to be a bad parent.

Stay strong OP. Sending hugs. You are handling this with immense fortitude and dignity.

How patronising.

This isn’t what you planned, what you have sacrificed and compromised for and what you in fact wanted! He absolutely does need to move out asap. He’s SO focussed on not being the bad guy he’s making your life harder. Dodging responsibility by convincing himself and trying to convince you this is some kind of growth experience is just insulting. He’s making all the decisions here and now he needs to follow through.That’s made me really cross on your behalf if you can’t tell!

All he cares about is his image now. Repeatedly telling me he’s done nothing wrong and how I’ll be happier without him

Remind yourself of your opening post.

It really is time for him to move out

and for the house to be put on the market - if it isn't already.

You've spoken to a solicitor ( twice maybe ? )

You know how much the house is worth

and you have both looked at and discussed finances.

There’s nothing I love more than being told how I feel about things, I’m sure you feel the same way too.

But on that note if you’ll be happier without him then why hasn’t he GONE??

Do you need a new patio?

He hasn’t gone yet as he’s apparently terrified about moving out 🤷🏻‍♀️

ive Told him he has to do things now and he has today arranged a house viewing, Contacted agents to get an official valuation of ours and spoke to a solicitor to get a legal doc written up of our agreement (so we don’t have to wait for financial order)

only took him 5 weeks

I think I’m having some sort of panic attack it’s all just hit me

Sending you loads of hugs OP. You will grt through this and when you come to the other side you will look back and think that all happened for a reason. What is very important now is to ensure he moves out and you have very limited contact with him.