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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

801 replies

Broken12 · 11/04/2024 07:06

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

OP posts:
Original poster
Broken12 · 28/04/2024 21:43

JungleJimmy · 28/04/2024 21:39

Wait til he realises he has to label all the school uniform and that the kids will randomly tell him at 8am they "need £2 and to wear yellow to school today" 🤣

🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
Nicebloomers · 29/04/2024 12:07

His delusions are absolutely hilarious. He’s got a big shock coming.

Original poster
Broken12 · 29/04/2024 14:17

I’m stuck now as to whether he should pay maintenance if he does go 50/50. He doesn’t see why. I said it’s so kids can maintain the lifestyle they have had. For the first few years it would all go on ‘his’ half of childcare fees anyway.

I’ve never been interested in money and I’m still not but I want to protect myself and the kids. I don’t feel it’s fair for him to have money for expensive holidays and days out if I have nothing. But then it’s him who earns it. Really stuck as I went to be fair and I’m not sure what is

OP posts:
Original poster
Broken12 · 29/04/2024 14:19

He keeps saying he wouldn’t see me go without and if needed he’d pay for me and the kids to go away but I said if you’re with someone else and have more kids you won’t end up doing that. He insists he would but I don’t know

OP posts:
heldinadream · 29/04/2024 14:22

@Broken12 that's the stuff you cannot decide between the two of you, the courts will mandate it.
My advice now is to stop engaging with him so much and get a solicitor sorted. And when he asks you for answers refer him to your solicitor. You are only opening yourself up to further upset if you think you and he can negotiate these things yourselves.

heldinadream · 29/04/2024 14:23

And don't agree to anything he proposes!

CandiedPrincess · 29/04/2024 14:34

I don’t feel it’s fair for him to have money for expensive holidays and days out if I have nothing.

I'm sorry you are going through all this but unfortunately that's the reality of divorce. It won't ever be fair, it can't be fair. It's not nice, but that is the way it is.

justasking111 · 29/04/2024 15:05

@Broken12 you've been advised time and again, see a solicitor. Have you had a bad experience in the past with the law. Because you swerve any advice re using the legal system.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/04/2024 15:14

@justasking111

I believe the OP spoke to a solicitor on 11th and saw one ( a different one ? ) on 19th

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/04/2024 15:20

Do you really really really think he will do 50/50 for the next 17 years...

reread your posts - he has gone from not wanting to live in a shitty flat / to staying in the house / to being willing to move out / to choosing a city centre flat

he's changed his mind re the children more than once - this is the father that barely made it home before their bedtime so you ' could talk ' to now talking about finishing at 2.30 for him to look after the children

you've done your talking now, he's provided his fiances

now get things in motion legally, house on market etc.

Original poster
Broken12 · 29/04/2024 15:51

Yes to a solicitor.

when you’ve been with someone for 15 years it very hard to just switch off emotions and make it all transactional. I’m trying to do it the best way I can without ending up in a legal battle costing thousands

OP posts:
unicornsarereal72 · 29/04/2024 19:25

Start looking at mediation. This is an excellent suggestion already made. He has made his proposal. Now you go away and crunch some numbers.

You will both have different ideas how the future is going to look. And it is very unlikely to look like what you hope for.

I'm sure you have read enough on MN that promises get broken. My ex wanted to pay half the mortgage and child support so he had some investment in the house. That wasn't in my best interest. Or the children's long term. He currently owes me nearly £30k in unpaid child support. I'm glad I protected myself and my home. We don't have a lot. But we are safe and secure.

If he is a higher earner than you his quality of life is going to be very different to yours. You need to try and make your peace with that. Currently it is the guilt talking. Further down the line it will be very different.

You have come such a long way in such a short period of time. Non of this is fair and it sucks. But in a year or two from now you will be in a better place. My children and I love our happy home we have. And I count my blessings every day

Original poster
Broken12 · 29/04/2024 19:43

unicornsarereal72 · 29/04/2024 19:25

Start looking at mediation. This is an excellent suggestion already made. He has made his proposal. Now you go away and crunch some numbers.

You will both have different ideas how the future is going to look. And it is very unlikely to look like what you hope for.

I'm sure you have read enough on MN that promises get broken. My ex wanted to pay half the mortgage and child support so he had some investment in the house. That wasn't in my best interest. Or the children's long term. He currently owes me nearly £30k in unpaid child support. I'm glad I protected myself and my home. We don't have a lot. But we are safe and secure.

If he is a higher earner than you his quality of life is going to be very different to yours. You need to try and make your peace with that. Currently it is the guilt talking. Further down the line it will be very different.

You have come such a long way in such a short period of time. Non of this is fair and it sucks. But in a year or two from now you will be in a better place. My children and I love our happy home we have. And I count my blessings every day

Thank you.

I’m definitely not agreeing on any promises. Altho he may truly feel like he means them right now a lot can change - hence why we are even in this position now- and I need to protect myself and my children.

im glad you are happy now. I’m so looking forward to being in the place with my 2 beautiful babies xx

OP posts:
BlackStrayCat · 29/04/2024 19:52

I think it is more likely to look like what you hope for than him tbh.
He is being totally unrealistic. I think he is in total denial.

BirthdayRainbow · 29/04/2024 20:29

You must switch off. He is not your husband anymore. He is not your friend. He will promise all sorts but it is highly likely he won't stick to it. You need to stop talking to him and see a solicitor.

I didn't want to spend thousands either. So far just me is on 7k but I would have lost a lot more without it. H was a twat from day one.

Amx · 29/04/2024 21:25

There's not a hope in hell he will pay for holidays for you and the kids if he's with someone else in the future. No chance.

He's totally full of shit. My sister believed all this nonsense too and lived to regret it. Her exH was a cunt too.

justasking111 · 29/04/2024 22:13

BirthdayRainbow · 29/04/2024 20:29

You must switch off. He is not your husband anymore. He is not your friend. He will promise all sorts but it is highly likely he won't stick to it. You need to stop talking to him and see a solicitor.

I didn't want to spend thousands either. So far just me is on 7k but I would have lost a lot more without it. H was a twat from day one.

Edited

This is the thing that concerns me. Women are afraid of wasting money on solicitors. So was my friend but luckily her daughter was studying law at university so gave her mother a serious talking to.

My friend came away with the house, 3k a month, the new car and half of two pensions. Including the secret pension he thought hidden from her that the solicitors found.

It's money well spent if you get a good solicitor. You need to research that.

heldinadream · 30/04/2024 11:39

How are you doing today @Broken12 ?Flowers

BirthdayRainbow · 30/04/2024 19:13

@Broken12 hi, are you okay? I know yesterday was tough. I hope you're all right.

BlackStrayCat · 30/04/2024 19:37

Also sending best wishes x

Queencam · 01/05/2024 21:30

Hope you’re doing okay OP xx

BirthdayRainbow · 01/05/2024 21:36

@Broken12 hi, please let us know you're okay even if you don't want to chat.

Original poster
Broken12 · 02/05/2024 00:34

Hi all

im ok. Just need some time to think about everything x

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 02/05/2024 07:38

Thank you for letting us know you are okay(ish)@Broken12 . We'll be here if and when you want to chat. Take care. You've got this.

NZDreaming · 03/05/2024 18:37

Broken12 · 02/05/2024 00:34

Hi all

im ok. Just need some time to think about everything x

I don’t have any personal experience but I really feel for you. This might be of help with thinking things through
https://www.separatespace.co.uk/
just heard about it on a podcast, currently offering a discount of 20% with code ‘everything20’

SeparateSpace

SeparateSpace. A faster, cheaper etc

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