I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

Agreed. Remember he isn't in charge and he is not the boss of you.

Thank you both. I know what j want now. I have no interest in staying in this house together with him.

seems like we could agree then a judge could deem it’s unfair anyway??

so he has now figured out his finances ?!!!

try just to listen, make notes.

try and say you will get back to him on whatever he offers/suggests

you have an idea of the value of the house, ( he doesn't know that - does he ) and I believe you have indeed already spoken to a solicitor ?

I only say that as my solicitor has told me whatever h and I agree to it goes in front of a judge anyway and they might change it. Don't worry about that though. Only concern yourself with things you can influence.

I think the more you agree before hand and the more you understand each others position, and what you will and won’t back down on or push for, the more useful it will be when the time comes to make it formal, plus its better for your mental health right now to have a more clear idea of where you both are with regards to what the overall plan is, so you can start working towards it.

If anything changes down the line it can be easily dealt with as long as you have all the necessary information to make an informed decision, I wouldn’t worry about that at this stage as you are still gathering information, and may have to have a few of these meetings before you make any proper headway, it would be best to keep communication open between you both if you can, which is why taking feelings out of it will help.. but it’s not always easy!

Thanks all.

he is meant to be bringing his finances to the table today. I definitely won’t be agreeing anything today, this is to further discuss both view points and options available.

both aware of house value.

just hate how long it’s all going to take! Nothing is ever simple

Accept it could take a year. Manage your expectations. Saves some stress.

The Judge won’t usually change anything unless it’s blatantly unfair.

If 1 party gets 90% and 1 gets 10%, that might get changed unless there is good reason (like a disabled child who will need care for the rest of his / her life).

A mutual agreement to sell / not sell is vv unlikely to be queried.

Hope it went as well as these things can OP xx

Hi @Broken12 how did it go?

What a sad story. I hope that you can disentangle yourself from this man child, who's clearly not an organiser but passive expecting someone to wave a magic wand and sort out his finances.

As for living in the city, does he think it will be all fun, if so he's in for a surprise.

Op you're looking at least 75% of the equity in the financial circumstances you have laid out here. Based on his much higher earning capacity, and larger pension.

Why do people spout nonsense re settlement. There is no guarantee op will get 75% of equity at all
surr that might be one out one but no one here will know

It went ok…..still completely denying an affair at any stage.

he agreed to give me the equity I wanted but then was gob snacked when I said I would want child maintenance still! His budget is so unrealistic…rent 3 times what my mortgage would be, 600 a month for food which is more than we’ve been spending on the 4 of us. 5k a year for holidays and 400 a month for ‘kids activities’ bearing in mind this is the first day he’s ever taken them anywhere by himself.

it’s been left for him to think about the child maintenance situation and for me to find our exactly what I can borrow with the agreed equity as a deposit

No, just no.

What happens is you both have to fill in a Form E. He doesn't get to say I want XYZ and expect to get it.

600 a month for food which is more than we’ve been spending on the 4 of us. 5k a year for holidays and 400 a month for ‘kids activities’

dating is expensive - if the man pays for all the dates etc.
and presents for the girlfriend/s etc.

400 is only a decent meal out with drinks for 2. once a week.
kids activities my foot !!!

luckily maintenance is a legal item so he can like it or lump it, he will be paying it

so is he ' giving ' you the equity as he wants to keep his pension etc.

Tbh I wouldn't waste time discussing who gets what. That's what the solicitor is for.

and apart from the money aspect, has he agreed upon how often he will be having the children ?

I know he’s In cuckoo land

not agreed but discussed every other weekend and 2 nights in week he will come to mine and do bed then come back and take to school the next day. (Or change this to them staying at his) then split school holidays

Gut feeling is him putting them to bed in your home is not going to be good for you or the dcs.

He's really not thought this through has he, if he believed he wouldn't have to pay child maintenance until the kids are 18 minimum 🙄

It's probably worth reminding him that he will also be responsible for purchasing all clothes, shoes, medicines, children's wash stuff and books etc for his new home as you won't be packing a suitcase for them every time he picks up, so he'll need to have a child-suitable home.

He'll also have the joy of shoe shopping with his kids to look forward to, as well as online clothes shopping for every season and growth spurt, along with the stark realisation that the "age" of the clothes doesn't actually mean they'll fit your child of that age, so you end up returning as much as you order.

I'm sure his introduction to life as a single parent is going to be quite a shock to him.

In the meantime, look at the CMS calculator and work out what the minimum is that he'll have to pay you (if you haven't already).

I second not letting him put the kids to bed at yours; bad for everyone, his parenting time is for him to parent.

He needs to pick the kids up from school (or make childcare arrangements for them) take them back to his and drop them back to school the next day.

He’s going to have the biggest shock of his life! He reckons he wants to be in the city as he has Loads of friends there (who I don’t know) and there is so much to do 🤷🏻‍♀️ he’s never bought them any clothes so that will be interesting to see! My 4 year old will tell him straight if she doesn’t like something 🤣

Be careful not to fall into the trap of doing everything for him so that the kids don't suffer. I'm not saying they should suffer at all. Somethings will be different and that is okay but he has to be an adult and father.

Wait til he realises he has to label all the school uniform and that the kids will randomly tell him at 8am they "need £2 and to wear yellow to school today" 🤣