I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

It's not rocket science that people post through their own experiences.

I don't have complicated finances, are not being combative yet still we are in to five figures for both legal bills.

I didn't like the insinuation I was trying to win at all costs etc but that's fine, you're a stranger I don't need to care what you think.

Good luck @Broken12

Thank you.

I think I’ve decide what I want now. Need to sit and discuss it together

I stupidly poured my heart out to him in a letter last night. I got a text in reply ‘thank you for the letter’

Oh @Broken12 . He sounds hugely lacking in emotional intelligence and you are so much better without him. It will hurt like hell but you'll have this all under control soon.

It’s very complicated to navigate. He is supposed to be the person you can pour your heart out to, i’m sorry he isn’t that person anymore. It’s all very devastating. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Is there someone else you can lean on for some support?

I'm telling you OP he has another woman, don't do the pick me dance, go grey stone, ice queen, this is now about survival, and getting the best for you and your children. This is war, he is the enemy no surrender. You need to be strong and tough. No negotiation, no feeling sorry for him or getting emotionally embroiled. He doesn't give a shit about you or the children, he doesn't care about the pain or damage-otherwise he wouldn't do what he is doing now.

I hate who I am right now. Why can’t I just see this for what it is and walk away with my head held high. I’m a complete mess and I don’t know how I’m getting through each day. I wish I was strong enough to just not care anymore but I can’t help it

Because you loved him and you feel let down. It is fine to feel hurt and scared and nervous. You will get to the point where you don't care. I stopped loving h in an instant but it has taken nine months for him to speak to me and me to feel like I was talking to a stranger. Before I'd be trying not to smile as nervous, or trying to get him to stay talking or enjoying feeling of what I thought was a bit of normality. It will come for you. Accept it takes time and don't be so hard on yourself.

you didn’t ask for any of this so don’t be down on yourself for being overwhelmed and all over the place with your emotions. Try going to the GP to request counselling? I’m sure it depends on the situation in your area, but I was surprised by the wait only being a couple of weeks where I am. It’s awful and you’re going to feel awful sometimes. He’s a prick and he is not going to help you or make your life easier in any way. You have to advocate for yourself no matter how terrible you feel. I promise it will get better.

You don’t just switch off your feelings for someone overnight. You’re thinking of him as the man you’ve known for however many years, your partner and the one person you’ve shared everything with. He’s supposed to be your person.

What’s hard is that he isn’t on the same page any more - he’s probably checked out a while ago but been making the right noises to you (going for counselling etc) to make you think he’s working on the marriage. I do think there will be another woman popping out of the woodwork at some point.
Your heart is still trying to catch up with your head and mourning what youve lost and how your life is about to change (plus the stress of dealing with all the practicalities of that seeing as he, like most men who decide to leave their wives, can’t be arsed dealing with the actual legwork of getting divorced).

He’s also messing with your head saying he wants to stay in the house for 3 years. This is massively wanting to have his cake and eat it and putting the onus on you to physically throw him out even though he’s the one who has ended your marriage. These men like to look like the victim if they can spin it that way.

Im so sorry you’re going through this - but don’t beat yourself up for having what are normal feelings of grief for losing the partner and the life you thought you would have for the rest of your days. You will be all over the place for a while and the only thing that will heal you is time. He does need to leave the house though - I know one poster is saying you should think of the finances but I don’t think staying under the same roof will work when you are both on such different pages emotionally.

You will ultimately be ok, but allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling and don’t think you’re failing for being sad - it’s natural.

One day at a time 💐

OP for what it’s worth I think you’re amazing for how strong you’re being. No clinging to him, can’t live without him.

You KNOW you’re better off without him and have been practically begging him to leave. You’re thinking clearly from a very early stage about how to make this best work for your children. That is to be applauded. What a brilliant mum you are.

Of course it’s going to hurt lovely - you loved him a long time. It’s so awful it’s ending like this. You wouldn’t be human to not feel about heartbroken about that - the future you assumed you’d have together and looked forward to.

But unfortunately he’s a twat and you deserve much, much, much better. You can do this OP. One step at a time lovely.

Thank you all for your kind words. I know logically I will be ok and that I deserve so much better but I’m not thinking logically at the moment and still wish it was him who could give it all to me

his reply to my letter I know sums up who he is right now and I know I have to move on. It’s just bloody hard

i have reached out for s counselling session via work and have a chat with someone this afternoon. I thinks it’s just an initial chat at this stage

Good, I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor this afternoon, such support could be a lifeline while you get through this. You can get through it and the letter you wrote and his reply will just be a blip to look back on. I know, I've done this. I was a total wreck. I'm ok now - a long time later, but I've been ok for a long time. Keep going. Hugs OP. 💔

I’m glad you got through it, this gives me hope. I regret the letter now, it’s just been left on the side in his room

I'd get the letter back. Don't regret it. You've behaved with dignity by showing him the truth of your feelings. I did stop loving my h in no time so it can be done. If this was date three you'd be gone. You love what isn't real. The man who you thought you loved would not behave like this so there's nothing left to love. But you will be okay. You'll see that after a marriage break up men remarry quicker but women cope better.

Keep trying to tell myself I loved what I could have had, now what I actually had

I’ve taken the letter back x

That's huge progress. The man I thought my h was would not have done what he has done so therefore I loved a lie. As you have. People fall out of love all the time and that is fine. But you tell the partner with kindness and compassion and you answer questions. You don't blindside them and then ignore and reject.

Oh, OP please don't hate yourself! You've done nothing wrong, and you can't flip a switch and stop your feelings for someone in a second. But previous posters are right in that you have to think of yourself now. He's made his choice, and he has to live with it - if he thinks that's going to be easy, then he's wrong, because like your feelings, you can't just switch off 15 years and two children. His cold reply to your letter sounds like he's withdrawn into a place of denial, but the time will come when he'll have to face up to things.

You are definitely not 'a complete mess' - you're someone going through a time that would test anyone. Please be kinder to yourself and remember that you can - and will - get through this. Better times will come. Take care.

How he is handling it all is what is making it more painful right now

Thank you xx

I hear you. Mine is also making things worse for me and our children. I spoke to my therapist and she said he's feeling guilty, he's done wrong so he's trying to make himself feel better by making me feel worse about myself. Well, I won't give him the satisfaction. I know I'm awesome and strong now and he's not worthy of a moment of my thought time.

I cannot wait until I get to this head space s

It will come. Talk to yourself as if you are there and eventually you'll accept it. I talk to myself a lot to get through difficult situations. I remind myself I felt that before, it was crap but I got through it and I am okay. Gradually I stopped saying it was crap as that just reminded me and our brains don't do times. It doesn't know that what you are thinking about happened four months ago, you feel as if it happened four minutes ago and have the difficult and sad feelings acutely there. You can do this. You have to do this. He's giving you no choice but you can choose how you move forward.

Judging by how long ago he said he didn't love you(a year ago) he's been with the other woman for at least a year. He checked out, and strung you along.