I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

Just to note...

It isn't your job to make him comfortable with his decision.

I know you do.

sending very unmumsnetty hugs xx

Filing for divorce is under £600 and you can do that yourself. Where there are children , difference in assets and a situation where you can't agree is when you need a solicitor.

This may well be a false economy. A few thousand now might save you tens or hundreds of thousand in the long run.

An ultra cheap divorce works if everything is completely amicable. Your divorce isn’t so you need to make sure you don’t get steamrollered. Your STBX is already making it clear he expects the divorce to be on his terms only.

But if we agree how to split the assets can we just go it ourselves?

I’m gathering all the facts at the moment in order to present a case in my favour and to try and get him to agree

If he's putting £1000 a month into a private pension you need to find out how much that's worth now. Could be as much or more than the entire equity of the house

Zero chance you'd be divorced but the end of a year. If you're divorced by a year you've done well according to my solicitor.

If you can trust him to tell the truth and you know what assets you have. My STBEH wanted to do it ourselves. I didn't trust him and went with a solicitor. Turns out he has a lot more assets than me and a lot more than I knew so for me, 100% necessary and right to use a solicitor. He's expensive but I'd have lost more than I've paid without him.

@BirthdayRainbow

Mine was 6 months almost to the very day.

Then you were lucky and almost certainly had both parties in agreement and or a simple situation. For most it doesn't work like that.

@BirthdayRainbow

most certainly both parties not in agreement, I ended up with a barrister in Court.

I'm pleased for you @OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon but you're the exception in my experience.

You can create a consent order that you both agree and then ask the court to stamp it. We did. However the court will want you to have had independent advice before they stamp it.

We arranged ours by listing all of our assets and any debts (there are official forms for this) and we had enough knowledge of each others situation and trust to be sure they were all included. Our pensions were similar so we chose to ignore those for simplicity.

We then worked out the split. It ended up being 51:49 split as I needed a tiny bit more equity to buy him out. But I was housing the children 6 out of 7 days a week.

In your case it sounds like his pension pot is going to be very large and an essential part of the joint assets. Obviously your pension needs to be counted too. You have then to consider how you split those assets, you might need more equity than 50:50 and could offer to offset some or all of your share of his pension for additional cash.

Child maintenance doesn't really get considered in the divorce as it can be changed later depending on earnings, amount of contact etc.

I think you can work towards a consent order using mediation as an alternative, but that relies on you both being open to it and no one hiding money

There is definitely another woman

His pension might not be as large as people think but will definitely need a valuation, along with ops and any other assets

if you can agree a split it doesn’t have to cost loads… costs mount up when people can’t or won’t rationally discuss, take a combative approach, refuse to negotiate and compromise and accept all parties will be worse off financially and make it a battle of wining vs losing. Then costs can be tens of thousands and the only winners are the lawyers

This isn't always the case. It is too simplistic and naive to think it's only expensive because people are being combative etc.

Thank you. I’ve got hold of the majority of the financial details now, waiting for him to bring his to the table and will see if he try’s to hide anything then will go from there

I’ve worked out his pension roughly and if he right then I’d be happy to have more equity out of the house and leave the pension

@BirthdayRainbow its not simplistic at all
people spend much more when they are not able to sit down, negotiate and compromise

of course if violence or domestic abuse involved that’s not appropriate. But most cases fortunately don’t involve that. They involve people acting in raw emotions and ‘trying to take her /him to the cleaners’ or I expect 90% because he ended it’, or he’s had an affair therefore I want to scree him over , etc etc or at its very basic level point blank refusing to discuss or engage in a process.

thets when fees rack up

of course if one party also simply says I owe you zero and also won’t engage that can cost too. Again, most cases could agree if people actually sat down and negotiated and compromised

I'm not going to keep discussing this with you @millymollymoomoo .

I've spent a lot and it Isn't because of any of the reasons you said. Your comments are really patronising.

Of course he's now got cold feet and wants to continue living with you for the next couple of years-according to the CMS calculator a 101K salary and EOW custody = £1145 a month for 2 children.

Exactly. It is amazing how even reasonable appearing men change once they see the figures in black and white.

So sorry you’re going through this OP its so horrible. I’ve been in your situation but at the time we did not have DCs. It’s a grief you are going through and the emotions swing from
sadness to anger. I didn’t think I would get over the end of my marriage, but I did.

I met someone else and we had a DS. We also moved when he was 4 to a new area. He started school not knowing anyone at all but was totally fine and made friends quickly so I don’t think you should be too worried about changing school. At such a young age they don’t have firm friendships and can usually make friends very easily. it would certainly be better for you to live near your mum.

be kind to yourself - look after yourself.

@BirthdayRainbow no they’re not

ii don’t care that you don’t want to discuss it. With me further. Stop then. That’s fine. But Your views are totally one sided based on your biased situation. That’s no more helpful to op than mine or any other outcomes and experiences and actually could serve zero good purpose to op at all. Im
just saying there are situations that can work out. And creating to reach agreement in vast majority of cases is better for all.

so if I want to post a different set of ideas or possibilities that’s not just about riling op up feeding in her hurt that’s ok too

The vast majority of people don’t have complicated finances. Many Couples go into divorce with knowledge of the joint assets and income. They can quickly establish needs and will know the local housing market or have the ability to use right move. Two reasonable adults with mediation and a bit of legal advice can divorce quickly and cheaply. This is not just better for their mental health it is better for the children. There is nothing in her posts to suggest he has the ability to hide large amounts of money or isn’t going to contribute to his children. Yes, there is a risk of this in a divorce but risk should be managed proportionately.

The OP and her ex are in a very raw stage of separation and both are reacting emotionally without a great deal of thought. If he has been erratic then so too as the OP. They need to calm down and really think about what they want to achieve and what they can achieve.

Quite why so many people on this post want to add fuel to the fire and get the OP more and more wound up is beyond me. There are children in that house and they need their parents to act like grown ups.

Nobody has told the OP not to use a lawyer. They are telling her to avoid running up unnecessary legal costs. Because that money can help her buy a house and live a better life.