I need help…completely broken…separating from husband

[Broken12]

3 days ago my husband admitted he wasn’t working on our relationship anymore. A year ago he told me he didn’t know why but he wasn’t in love with me anymore but wished he could be. We’ve tried for a year (well he says he has). We’ve had counselling. I said I can’t carry on without hope so it’s over.

I’ve asked if there’s anything we can do to stop this happening but he’s said no. Married for nearly 6 years, together for 15 and a 1 and 4 year old. We’ve told our families now so it is real.

I just don’t know how to survive. Im completely broken. We had the perfect life on paper, all we ever wanted. But it’s not enough for him. We had a difficult few years conceiving our 2nd and 2 miscarriages but we got there. I’ve asked him to move out as I can’t bear seeing him every day knowing I can’t be with him. He won’t go until we’ve looked at all our options re the house and decided should we sell or who should move.

I’ve stopped talking to him unless it’s about the kids or our situation. I’m completely broken and struggling to eat and sleep. All I want is to be loved and feel wanted. This is not the life I want. I just don’t know what to do, life was so much easier when I was living in denial.

Oh I laughed in his face when he said that 🤣

im doing nothing for him now - he has the audacity to ask me today why I’m not being nice to him. He thinks we can still be friends 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

As my very wise therapist says to me. You're divorcing him. If you wanted to be friends you wouldn't be divorcing him..

Have you had the house valued yet ?

Not officially but a close friend is a local estate agent so they’ve valued it

@BirthdayRainbow i don’t agree with that

many people, myself and few friends included, divorced while we were, and remain friends. I don’t divorce friends. I divorced my husband because I didn’t love him and the marriage/relationship in that sense was dead.

I do get how that would work if it was mutual or the person leaving showed some respect to the other and did things the right way x

@millymollymoomoo @Broken12 obviously she is talking about my situation as she knows what STBEH has done that has made me want to divorce him. I never want to have any contact with him never mind stay friends. A friend wouldn't do what he did and they would be instantly dead to me if they had.

At the end of the day you are will be better off cooperating and not countering each other if you want to come out of this in least painful way.

You cannot force anyone to have a relationship with you, to have feelings for you and to behave the way you want. The end of a relationship cannot always be mutual. That is an unrealistic and unfair expectation of life.

It is unfair to resent him for being practical about finances. You should be both looking at the practical and financial realities of splitting up. From what you have posted a house sale is inevitable. He doesn’t earn enough to support moving out, even if there are affordable rentals, paying the mortgage and child support. You need to accept there are consequences for you in demanding he does this.

There are not many people who can do divorce easily without a lot of money.

He can afford it but not if he still wants to put £1000 a month into a private pension so he can retire at 50

a pension pot that you will benefit from
lemonTT is correct

The problem is her H wants her to cooperate with him and facilitate him still living there for another 3 years..

we all know why he wants that, he wants to have everything done for him still, live with the children but be free to have a separate life away from op pursuing other ‘interests’.

you can only “cooperate” with each other if you are both in agreement of the end goal.

he no longer wants a relationship with her but wants everything else to remain the same, and it just doesn’t work that way, he is delaying giving her the information he has promised to force her to comply with what he wants, op is right to set clear boundary’s and refuse to participate in that charade IMO, she’s doing great.

This is spot on. I just want him
out now so I have the space to grieve and move on

Don't forget his private pension pot is also a marital asset which he will have to declare. Doesn't matter if the op continues to do his washing or not. Legally any marital asset has to go into the pot.

Tbh I don't blame the op for downing tools. He needs to realise that actions have consequences, she won't be around to wash his pants or cook his meals when they live apart, so why would she now if he's told her the relationship is over.

For those who have divorced,..what’s the cheapest but still regulated way? I’m reading it can cost thousands and would like to avoid that if possible but want everything official to protect mine and my children’s future

' I just want him
out now so I have the space to grieve and move on '

I think it is now time to put the house on the market.

this should help him hurry up his financials ! and should get you living somewhere suitable for school in Sept.

and of course he can then move into his swanky city centre flat...

I think you have now spoken to solicitors ?
and I think it is now time to initiate the divorce.
apparently you can do something online for £590 ?

I personally do not believe there is any more going back, the families have been told, it first all started a year ago :(
and whilst none of this is what you wanted, it is happening.

Channel your anger into actions, it is possible you could be divorced by Nov/Dec as I believe the ' average ' divorce is 6-8 months-ish

you could set yourself 2 targets,

1. to be moved into your new home by 1st Sept

2.To be divorced by 31st Dec.

please don't think/feel I am being heartless, I am not,
I am being practical and you don't want my sympathy or pity, you want support and understanding
like so many others here, I have been there/done it etc.

That isn’t within your gift to make happen. He owns the house too and you cannot afford it on your own. Lots of couples get stuck together because they cannot afford two homes until the family home is sold.

He has made a suggestion about it being retained. He has also made a suggestion about it being sold. The probable explanation for this is that you can’t keep the house if he moves out and rents. It will be sold. You are back and forth on this issue yourself. The reality check for both of you is that it will be sold and you will both need to downsize and take an economic hit. In the meantime he and you will be advised not to move out.

You need mediation and you need to stop talking at each other and throwing out wild demands and suggestions.

You can go into mediation. His pension will be at included and presumably you will get some of it. So he is unlikely to be retiring at 50.

GOV.UK - Getting a Divorce, step by step.

You may find the above useful to have a read thru ?

Oh there’s definitely no going back now. Too much damage has been done.

I’m applying for the new school today but won’t find out until June. I don’t want to move though if she doesn’t get in/isn’t close in the waiting list as the last thing I want is 2 kids in 2 diff schools. This is here I’m at, at the moment

I know I can’t force him but I just can’t stand being around him right now

Thank you. I will go through this. Finding it so hard to fully undertake the next steps when I’ve just started a new demanding jobs, trying to be ‘normal’ for the kids and barely sleeping x

Properties don't ' sell ' overnight.

yes i know they can ' sell ' immediately but the conveyancing takes x time on both sides.

If you did put the property on the market on say 1st May it is likely to be the end of June before you are actually moving out, that's if the house sells overnight etc.

by then you will know if your daughter has a place in the other school

and then you have options/choices i.e. could you stay with family / find a short term rental / find an airb&b / find a caravan site for a rental for say July/Aug

before you buy somewhere near your daughter's new school ?

or even a long term rental ? starting say 2 months after you go ' under offer ' ?

@Broken12 if you're not sleeping PLEASE go to the dr and get a mild sleeping tablet. I had to do this in similar circs (and I hate medicating for such things) and just being able to sleep more made a massive difference to my ability to cope. It's only a small thing but you need every help you can muster to get through this.
You have all my sympathy.

Please, and I mean this very kindly, don't make plans based on your youngest child starting school - he ? is only one year old-ish ?

that is 3 years and 4 months away.

I know you may find this laughable right now :) not that you have a lot to laugh about right now,

but you could be remarried and have moved to Edinburgh by then !

I know so much can change. I mean I’m living that reality right now. I know there’s no perfect option either, all I want To do is what is best for my children and will cause them the less grief