How to divide children fairly after separation?

[cupcakegirl22]

Me and my ex husband are currently going through a divorce and have 2 children aged 6 and 4. We are about to start mediation for how we will split the kids once the house is sold.

My ex is talking about splitting them 50/50, which is great, but how does that really work in a week that has 7 days? Also the mediator told me during my MIAM that it can't really be 50/50 anyway, so I just wanted to come up with some sort of schedule to present at mediation and go from there. Has anyone been through similar with their kids? what's fair? I'm not trying to take the kids away from their dad at all, I know they will always need him there.

There's also the issue of the kids school, I can't afford to rent anywhere and the only option is to get council housing. I'm pretty certain I wouldn't get in my current area, as it's a very small town. However, my ex is planning on buying me out of the marital home and keeping the kids in the same school as they are currently in. In an ideal world that would be perfect, but I just don't see how it will work if for example I'm housed in the next city which is 40 minutes away. He financially is capable of renting and I suggested once I move, that he could live nearby therefore the kids school won't be an issue. He's adamant on staying put, however. what can I do in this situation?

50:50 isn't necessarily over a week, as you say a week has seven days.

Normally people agree a term time routine and a holiday routine - so it is 50:50 over the year.

The first thing you both need to do is stop thinking about it in terms of what's 'fair' to each of you. It's about what's best for the kids, you can't treat dividing them up like you did the house/finances.

If he has the family home and can keep them at the same school it would seem in their best interests to stay with him during the week and with you at weekends?

Most parents at the school I work at do one week with mum, one week with dad. It seems to work.

DC have friends with this setup and everyone’s pretty happy.

two examples.
my ex has the kids every other weekend fri-sun and then one night in the week for dinner. holidays he generally might have them an extra couple of days at xmas/easter/summer. we talk, have no court order, he can see then outside of the every other weekend whenever he likes.

my brother/ex sil do it so my brother has them Fri after school-tuesday morning one week, then overnight monday the other. they split all school holidays directly 50/50. i should add, they don't talk at all (she was violent/abusive to my brother) so this is court mandated and hand overs are done via school or on neutral ground where the kids get out of one car into the other.

Everyone I know who does 50:50 does it the other way.

Monday and Tuesday always with Parent A
Wednesday and Thursday always with Parent B
Fri, Sat and Sun alternate.

It has the advantage that each parent can make their own choices for extra curricular activities without requiring cooperation from the other parent. It also can make school equipment a bit easier (eg dd always needs cooking stuff on a Tuesday, ds always needs a PE kit in a Thursday) so each parent is in charge of one.

Also useful for parent’s work as they (and their boss!) know they can always work late on a Tuesday and never on a Wednesday.

Also shorter time away from each parent which is useful for little ones.

Downside is two “moves” a week.

If 50/50 is what's best for your kids that's fine, but it isn't about you or him, or what's fair to either of you, it's about your DC and what they need.

The two main non week on week off set ups Ive seen for 50/50 are 4,4,3,3 and 2,2,5,5. Even if you think 50/50 is what's best for your kids I wouldn't start week on week off with a 4 year old.

No no no no.
You don't need "what is fair".
You need what is best for your children and you.
Your ex di not give a fuck about fair when you went on maternity leaves and he was building nice career that can allow him to buy you out. And he is 100% not thinking about fair when he suggested making you homeless, removing children from marital home and avoiding any payments by splitting them 50:50.

You stay in the house with children. They are very young and need mother.
He can rent near you.
Once your career is back on track you can buy him out, or wait untill children grow up and sell to split.

Do not agree to 50:50 blindly.
You will end up with fucked up career around school runns and he will be Disney Dad on fun weekends and hollidays.
Offer him two working days a week.
If you want to date add every other weekend.
He can drag children to and from school every Monday and Tuesday while you get on with work.
Once children are older and can do school runs independently and may benefit more from time with dad you can reschedule split.

It's at least a two year wait for council housing.. so please think about that when deciding.
Usual average is five years

Thank you everyone for your advice. Basically with the house, my idea is just to sell it so that we can both move on. He is the one that wants to buy me out (I'm not actually sure he can get approved for mortgage alone). For myself, his idea just doesn't work, as I will have to move to the next city/surrounding area regardless as there's nothing to rent here and no council houses. So his whole idea about staying in the marital home for the kids school just doesn't work. I can't travel that far for how many days a week back and forth for them to stay in their current school.

Number 2, I was initially thinking to have my ex have them every other weekend and 1 day in the week. So for example on Friday if it's his week, he would pick them up from school and have them until Sunday evening. The day in the week would be every week. If he lived close by, obviously if he wants to take them out after school in the week then fine by me. He's not happy with this and wants them strictly 50/50. Which again I don't know how this would look on a weekly basis. I do shift work and he does Mon-Fri. The every other weekend and day in the week is the only thing I can come up with which allows them to see their dad and me and works around both our work. He doesn't have any family here either, so he couldn't leave them with anyone if he was at work for example. I just don't know what to do 😔

I think it depends on what works for the children logistically- eg I live within a mile of my ex so we do 3 days one week 4 days the next (alternating with two nights at the weekend on the 4 day wk) The kids have their own things like uniform at both houses to cut down on moving items between. I know a family who do a week on and week off and another who split the week into 4 days / 3 days but the person having four days has slightly more school holidays to balance. It depends on the children, your work lives, how far apart you live etc

Yes, very true. It's also hard as we're still living in the same home and I'm not even sure where I will be living too.

At that age we did a Wednesday tea and he'd have them overnight every Friday and bring them back Saturday evening.

They're older now and we do the Wednesday still, plus every other weekend Friday- Sunday.

If I was ever lucky enough that my ex wanted 50/50 I would do a week on week off.

You say he will buy you out - how much is the house worth and how much equity have you got? How long have you been married? How much is your / his pension worth? Do you have any other marital assets (savings, cars etc?)

You can't just talk about the house. You need to split your full finances first and you both need to be able to house yourselves appropriately after the divorce.

For the split, there are endless options. But it needs to work for both of you, and more importantly, the kids. And the younger one might have different needs to the older one. It's not a simple process and you'll need patience and guidance from a mediator / solicitor. Good luck !

I'm 50/50 with my ex and it's a mature arrangement and works well. We do one week on, one week off. The week I have my dd I drop her off after tea on Sunday, and my ex does the same the following Sunday.

She has clothes at both houses, a school uniform at each house, shoes etc so she only takes her school bag, books, phone and a few bits n bobs she needs.

Financially we pay for the uniforms, shoes, clothes etc for each house separately. School trips or larger expenses such as hobbies and she now has a tutor (she's year11) we split 50/50. We take it in turns to take her abroad each year.

We are pretty good now at helping each other out and being flexible where we can. There are weeks I have her more or less depending on what's happening, but I'd say it's worked well for the past few years. Before she was at an age where she could be left alone we each had to arrange our own childcare and pay for it. Thankfully I was able to work pt so I didn't need to arrange childcare, but my ex did on his days as he was ft, but that was up to him to arrange and pay for.

Where would the children go to school if you rent in a nearby city and he has the children EOW (if you decided to go with your idea) - would they move schools?
If you cant rent suitable accommodation that allows you to live nearby to the children’s schools then you could argue that you need more of the equity out of the house, if the plan is that you have 50/50 with the children, in order to be able to rent somewhere suitable for you all when they are with you. Or it is sold and split appropriately so you can both house the children in the same area.
If you were thinking of staying in the family home and he move out, you’d need to be able to take over all the bills there and buy him out.
Im not sure what @LondonFox means about 50/50 making him the disney dad. He is less likely to be that if he has the children 50/50 rather than EOW as he will be doing his share of school runs, homework and getting them to school in the morning.

I think you have both taken fixed positions on where to live that don’t flex easily to a 50:50 arrangement or most other co parenting arrangements.

One of the few obligations I think a divorcing parent has is to live as local as possible to where the children go to school, socialise and see their other parent. Otherwise kids are left with a life of impossible choices as they get older. Things like parties and clubs often fall at the weekend. What does a kid do if they have to go to mums or dads and can’t make the event with their friend. It is a cruel choice.

Whilst a 40 minute journey between mum and dad isn’t the worse distance it throws up all sorts of logistical issues that render co parenting unworkable.

The adamancy of living in the city and the old town will make your children’s lives difficult. Why don’t you start your mediation by agreeing what will make your children’s lives easy when you live apart. Then look at locations to live that will make that happen for both of you. Some will be practical and some will be impossible. Find the compromise not the conflict and do it for the sake of your children. It’s about the best option for them and the least worst options for you two.

Accept that you will both have to bear and share the pain and sacrifice to make it work.

It’s definitely logistics that play a huge role in this.

My exH and me live a 5-10 min walk away. So our situation is half the week each 3 days one week, 4 days the next week.

But this is flexible as the girls can walk to either of our houses after school if they forget things or want a particular outfit for example.

In my opinion the closer you live to eachother the better. If not you’ll be driving backwards and forwards all the time. And the pressure on the kids to remember to pack what they want for each parent is hard.

My DC have bedroom and stuff at each house and just take between the 2 the expensive things. Phone, tablet/pad shoes, coat. Plus dance/gymnastics gear.

What’s your work & financial situation and what is his? Were/are you a stay at home mum? Does he have a pension? Most importantly, what’s best for the children? A fair split of assets isn’t necessarily a 50/50 split. You might need eg 80% of the equity to buy somewhere. And remember you can get benefits to help you rent. I think you need to slow down before agreeing anything.

I don’t understand why you’re suggesting to sell the house if you have nowhere to go? Were you hoping to buy him out? Who’s going to have the kids during the week if you get your way but also have shift work?

It’s the marital home so if you could meet the mortgage payments then not sure why you can’t stay in it, perhaps with a lodger to help pay towards it? Or he could contribute towards renting somewhere for you closer to the family/marital home. Him giving you a lump sum from the house will impact your ability to claim benefits if you have more than £16k in your savings account so think about that.

in terms of fair access many families do a fortnight rotation so for first week one parent does four nights the other does theee and the opposite the next week, making sure that whoever has the weekend also does one night midweek- that way you get equal weekend time. The only thing is it’s then harder for a parent to have a hobby eg yoga every Tuesday as you only have every other Tuesday child free.

OP you really need to seek proper advice. You can’t just “get a council house” in another area, it doesn’t work like that. To be able to get a council property you need to have lived in that area for a few years, have a job there or have family ties there- you must have what is called “a local connection”.

You also aren’t going to just walk into a council house, you go on the list & then you bid for properties. Depending on your banding you can be on that list for YEARS, so actually yes the best thing for the kids is to have their family home and remain there for now/until you are settled. Not to mention that if you are being given a buy out for the house from ex, depending on how much, you will not be eligible for UC or any help towards rent or housing.

Regarding the house, I can’t stay there because I don’t make enough to pay bills, mortgage etc. I have suggested to him that we need to live close by because of the kids schools etc. he is adamant on him buying me out and staying in the family home. I would love to stay in the same town, but I can’t afford too. my idea is that we sell the house and both move to an area which I can afford, we both work at the same place so this is actually ideal. Yes the kids would have to move schools, but at least this way we would both be living close by for the kids and both near to our work. Also, our house is a new build with not much equity, so I’m not expecting much from the sale of the house.

I can’t have the kids one week me the other week him. Firstly, I couldn’t not see my kids for that long and secondly, my work is 7:15am-7:45pm it wouldn’t work. I’m planning on reducing my hours to accommodate having the children though and my manager is wonderful and could make my hours more flexible.

I don’t think you’ve thought it through OP. It’s not about what you want, it’s about what is best for the children, that’s what court are going to be interested in.

If they are able to stay in their family home, stay in their current school, current community with all of their friends etc, then that is quite clearly what is best for them and a court will see that.

It is not in the children’s best interests to be uprooted and moved away.

With reducing your hours, how will you buy a property in your new location?