How to divide children fairly after separation?

[cupcakegirl22]

Me and my ex husband are currently going through a divorce and have 2 children aged 6 and 4. We are about to start mediation for how we will split the kids once the house is sold.

My ex is talking about splitting them 50/50, which is great, but how does that really work in a week that has 7 days? Also the mediator told me during my MIAM that it can't really be 50/50 anyway, so I just wanted to come up with some sort of schedule to present at mediation and go from there. Has anyone been through similar with their kids? what's fair? I'm not trying to take the kids away from their dad at all, I know they will always need him there.

There's also the issue of the kids school, I can't afford to rent anywhere and the only option is to get council housing. I'm pretty certain I wouldn't get in my current area, as it's a very small town. However, my ex is planning on buying me out of the marital home and keeping the kids in the same school as they are currently in. In an ideal world that would be perfect, but I just don't see how it will work if for example I'm housed in the next city which is 40 minutes away. He financially is capable of renting and I suggested once I move, that he could live nearby therefore the kids school won't be an issue. He's adamant on staying put, however. what can I do in this situation?

If he doesn’t want to move areas you can’t make him though, and then obviously moving schools is a bad choice for the children. You will have to make travelling work to drop off and pick up. This is all about what’s best for your children, not you. Have you put yourself on the council housing list yet? Also if your savings will be less than 16k check if you will be eligible for any benefits to help with rent as this could affect how much you can afford.

Obviously, moving the kids away is the last thing I want to be doing. However, I cannot afford to rent in my current area. There is literally 1 house to rent in my area on Rightmove at the moment and it's too expensive for me to afford.

My ex makes more than double my salary, he could leave me in the house and rent somewhere close by so that the children can stay in their school, but he doesn't want too. So as much as I don't want to move my kids, I don't really have any other options. He wants to buy me out, but whether he can or not is another story. Nothing is for certain at this point and I just wanted some advice as this is all new to me

But if he leaves you in the house then you can’t afford to pay the bills for the house, so that doesn’t work either.

If he can buy you out then you’re going to have a hard time convincing a court that the best thing for the kids is to move with you. They can stay in their home, school & community and you will have to facilitate travel between.

Friends of mine are doing this ‘nesting’ thing. It’s supposed to be best for the children. So they stay in the same house and school, whilst the parents take turns moving back and forth. So the children don’t have to.

‘Nesting is a shared custody arrangement in which the children remain in the same house at all times while the parents take turns living in that house with the children. Some couples do this during the separation period, with the “off-duty” parent living in a separate apartment or staying with friends or family. The goal is to provide a constant home for the children while the marriage itself changes.’

Don't solve his childcare issues. If he wants 50 50 then come up with a plan that gives him 50 50 and works around your shift work. Lots of models PP have suggested which can include regular days in the week and then every other weekend etc.
Either way, his days his problem. This includes holidays, inset etc. You need to be absolutely clear with him that 50 50 is fully 50 50 and that means you are not participating in the 50pc that is not your problem. You may find he drops back once he realises he'll.have to hire help to accommodate 50 50. Or he may step up! My ex did actually and we have done 50 50 (week on week off) for 8 years now without much issue.
What I'd recommend is a parenting plan which you can google and find on various websites and this was helpful to list out expectations and approaches and get both of you aligned before the solicitor is invoked

This.

I agree with pp that you both need to stop thinking in terms of what's "fair" and focus instead on what is best for your children.

I'm really surprised how little of this is about the children too. I'd be doing whatever was needed to keep them in their current school, they've got more than enough upheaval.

Don't assume a 50/50 split of assets without proper advice.

@cupcakegirl22 you said you'll be changing your hours. Will he ?

I can’t have the kids one week me the other week him. Firstly, I couldn’t not see my kids for that long and secondly, my work is 7:15am-7:45pm it wouldn’t work.

And yet you're suggesting your ex doesn't see his children for a week at a time. Why is it OK for him to have to do that but not you?

If you want the house sold to realise your money in it and he wants to buy you out (and can get a mortgage) then this seems realistic.

It is possible to get the courts to enforce sale of a property but only so you can get your money out; they won't make him sell if he can pay you your share anyway.

There is no legal mechanism for you to make him move house. This isn't something you can make happen, so since he doesn't like your idea it won't happen,

If you're doing twelve hour days, how many days are you working? If these vary, can you get your manager to agree to either one set of days every week or a fortnightly pattern? Then work yours and his days accordingly. So if you could work Mon-Wed those could be his days, you could do Thursday-Sat and you could alternate weekends

Realistically, you can't afford to reduce hours when you can't afford a home on your home. Have you looked at what you'd get in terms of UC?

Mum has kids week 1 but they have 1 sleepover midweek with Dad. Dad has kids week 2 but kids have 1 midweek sleepover with Mum. Each parent has kids every other weekend.

Hi @cupcakegirl22 your situation sounds a bit similar to mine when me and my ex first split. Have you spoken to a solicitor yet to gain some advice? The first 30 minutes I believe is free. Could you afford to buy a small property with the equity?

As you say, your ex may not be able to afford to buy you out and just saying this because he is only thinking of himself, has he got advice?
Also are you married?

I know this time is very hard and you will get through this. It has now been over 2 years since we split and my situation has completely changed for the better. You are welcome to send me a personal message if you like

I thought you said you couldn't afford to stay in house with DC as didn't earn enough to pay all bills. Then you say you will be cutting down number of hours you work so you'll be paid even less. It's best for DC to stay in their own home and go to same school. You could live where you could afford and travel in and out with kids.

So as much as I don't want to move my kids, I don't really have any other options.

Could the DC stay with their Dad during the week, stay at their school, in their house, and come to you at weekends and hols?

My sibling managed to make alternate weeks work with his ex, they split up ten years ago when their kids were age 4 and 8.

It is easier to change school at this age than any other, I would say.

Your ex almost certainly should be giving you more than half the equity in the house. What is his offer to buy you out?

The gender of the parent doesn’t matter. If they want 50% and willing to negotiate sensibly to make it happen, then it should happen.

Your problem is your ex is being difficult not sensible.

I agree it’s completely impractical for your ex to stay in the marital home when there is no realistic expectation that you could rent nearby. Is there really absolutely nowhere closer than a 40min commute? I think if you could get it down to 20mins that at least would be something. Then make sure his offer to buy you out is way above 50% as you have obviously had an impact on career and savings and you will be suffering the inconvenience and cost of moving home and having to furnish a new place etc.

Depends how you split 50:50.
Few suggested one person covering schooldays and other covering weekends and hollidays.
I never heard of man having children all week and mum nicly having them for weekends and hollidays. It is usually other way around so father does zero school runns, uniform and school suplies buys etc.
It is MUCH easier dealing with children on your day off than having career that can be 9-3 and seeing them only tired after work.

I've read all your posts, OP, but not all the replies, so apologies in advance if I'm repeating anything.

Firstly just a pedantic point but you don't "divide" children in the way that you divide assets, the way it's worded in the law would be child arrangements, or residence / contact. Secondly the child arrangements are separate from the financial settlement but obviously the children need to be adequately housed so you would need to consider financial resources for doing that.

If your ex-husband is a high earner you would need to look at the whole financial picture including pensions, savings and future earning potential. You would be entitled to a fair share of everything and while you might not be able to buy him out of the current home, you might be able to sacrifice a share of his pensions in exchange for more of the equity, for example. Once you receive your share of the settlement you might be able to look into whether you get a shared ownership property. Bear in mind you're likely to be eligible for universal credit if not already claiming.

As for the children, it all depends what's in their best interests. They are young. Who is their primary carer - or is it genuinely 50-50 in terms of parenting and working hours? Do you get childcare support from anyone eg grandparents, other family, friends? I would say it's in their best interests to be mostly with the primary carer (if there is one) and if that parent needs to move - in order to get affordable housing And/or live closer to work and/or a support network - then that's in the children's best interests too.

What you really must do before your first mediation session with your ex is get informed about your legal position and likely outcomes in the event that mediation failed and you had to go to court. You will go into the negotiations with a stronger position if you know where you stand.

There are some very helpful, detailed guides here: https://www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation
I also suggest that you contact your local Citizens Advice to ask if they can signpost you to any local law clinics or solicitors that offer a free or low cost initial consultation.

I'm sorry but your expectations of getting a council house are about to be dashed.

For emergency housing your local council will consider your children safely housed with their father - so NOT an emergency. You're not going to be offered a home anytime soon just to facilitate seeing them part time.

For other areas, you need to have a connection to that location first.

Either way, if you were going to be housed by the council, it'd likely be a hotel room first if they accepted you as an emergency case.

I think keeping the children in the same home/school is good for them but not for you, so any move, yeah it's difficult I'm sorry OP.

If you're on a low income with two kids you'd get UC to help with your rent, so entirely possible you could stay in the area. You should also get a greater split of the assets which again should mean you're more able to stay local.

Have you thought about nesting?

Small flat bought or rented nearby. Kids stay in the family home full time, and the parents swap in and out and live in the nearby flat when they are not in the family home.

Advantage being the second home does not need to have bedrooms for the kids so can be a smaller/bachelor pad. Ideally two bedrooms so you can keep your privacy.

This 100% this. You will both be 100% of their parents 100% of the time

What’s best for the children isn’t necessarily them staying out with dad while mum is made homeless and has to pay CMS to dad.

Please get advice, OP. Check benefits, check child support.

Why are you divorcing?
Why do you earn less than him?
Has your care of the DC allowed him to increase his earnings and pension at your expense?

Just check before going too far.

Nesting will only work if it’s amicable. If he is controlling or abusive in another way, it won’t.

If he’s refusing to find a compromise on housing, and happy for you to live 40mins away and have to manage a huge school journey, then he might be.