How to divide children fairly after separation?

[cupcakegirl22]

Me and my ex husband are currently going through a divorce and have 2 children aged 6 and 4. We are about to start mediation for how we will split the kids once the house is sold.

My ex is talking about splitting them 50/50, which is great, but how does that really work in a week that has 7 days? Also the mediator told me during my MIAM that it can't really be 50/50 anyway, so I just wanted to come up with some sort of schedule to present at mediation and go from there. Has anyone been through similar with their kids? what's fair? I'm not trying to take the kids away from their dad at all, I know they will always need him there.

There's also the issue of the kids school, I can't afford to rent anywhere and the only option is to get council housing. I'm pretty certain I wouldn't get in my current area, as it's a very small town. However, my ex is planning on buying me out of the marital home and keeping the kids in the same school as they are currently in. In an ideal world that would be perfect, but I just don't see how it will work if for example I'm housed in the next city which is 40 minutes away. He financially is capable of renting and I suggested once I move, that he could live nearby therefore the kids school won't be an issue. He's adamant on staying put, however. what can I do in this situation?

It does help that we're both on flexi time but both work pretty much the same hours every week. We split school hols equally between us with a bit of help from ex DP's parents who are brilliant grandparents and also help with DD a bit during the week.

Also I've stayed in the house and taken over the mortgage/bought ex DP out. I have an older son (not his) who needed housing and ex DP couldn't have afforded the mortgage. I earn significantly more than ex DP. He has a lump sum he is going to get his own small house with (currently living with his parents).

I beg to differ. All the children I knew in my teaching career who did alternate weeks really struggled with it. They don’t have the same sense of time as adults. It’s also rare to find two parents who are properly conscientious about the changeovers in terms of homework, reading books, possessions, PE kits, toys, raincoats etc. It’s just a lot of stress and anxiety for them. Not many adults would choose to alternate their own homes like this.

A court will not place staying in a family house above young children being with their mother.

They will be with their father in that family home.

Yes, not their mother. No court is going to stop a four year old from seeing his mother for five days a week.

But they will stop them seeing their father?

OP staying in the family home isn’t necessary to her seeing the children. But it may be better for them to have less disruption and stay in their home.

If it’s 50/50 care then of course they will, just as they’d sometimes not see their dad 5 days a week depending on the split of the days.

One of my closest friends did this and it looked fine until adulthood (to her too), now we know it wasn't.

I have read some of the replies but not all of them.

Week on week off is less stressful than splitting the working week.
It is also more straightforward organising the school stuff for a whole week than for odd days chopping about and remembering everything that 2 children need.
You will get used to a weeks break.

I had to adjust my work hours around school runs and add in a hours travelling twice a day to get them to school ,but that was mostly ok because the children were settled into that routine and as they got older I had more freedom to work more hours. They go places after school and you can collect them later.
It's a juggle but somehow you'll find ways.
There is a long way to go yet, you can't decide for him where he's going to live so take each day at a time.
Here to help. Please ask.

Can I ask why did the mediator say that it can't be 50/50?
Any reason?

@Notsuretoputit Courts decided 50/50 between myself and ex when sons were 3 and 6. Week oh, week off. No maintenance payable despite his very high earnings.

I specified father should take children Monday and Tuesday.
And if she wants to date, every other weekend as well.
You can check posts from the first page.

Not true unfortunately. My 4 year old dc has to do exactly that, court ordered, and they have to do exactly that. It's a disaster.

Housing: PPs mentioned nesting which I absolutely agree with. Cheaper all round and much better and more settled for the kids- not their choice that you divorce and it was your shared family home so you both get time to stay there which is fairer for you esp as it's where you know travel time for work etc. Could you share rent on a flat or even a lodging room somewhere for the times you're not in the house? You'll need to cooperate for the kids anyway so might as well share housing arrangements- much easier to wash your bedding a couple of times per week than make the kids move house several times a week. Could agree to do that for 5 years then reevaluate.

Time with children: I agree with PPs about not doing week on/week off with the children at this age. It's easier for parents and maybe older children would be ok but DC are 4 and 6 so a week feels like a lifetime at this age and would be most upsetting for them.

We did a similar mix to this PP when my DH and his XW split and my DSS was fine with it - not too long without either parent and they both do their share of busy school run days. Our days alternated though which meant we needed to put stuff on the calendar more and gave him a calendar so he'd always know where he was going without having to try and remember. Once I came on the scene I made a year planner in Excel which helped us all plan holidays, parties, Christmas etc:

Alternate Thursdays, Friday and Saturday nights
Sun/Mon nights - me
Tues/Weds night- ex DP

We do school run on the same days every week including days she's not with us overnight so only ever goes without seeing either one of us for a day/couple of days. She's very attached to both of us and it works well. We're also both very flexible with each other if work changes/there's family events etc. A year post split and she's a happy little girl.

Yes, I don’t think people realise that clean splits with 50:50 childcare are more common now and supported by courts.

We do 50:50 , it’s a lot of moving for the kids but we live a 10min walk from each other so it’s not too difficult.

Ex always has them mon & tues nights, I always have them weds & thurs night and then we alternate weekends. At first we also split weekends as kids were younger and none of us wanted to go a longer stretch without seeing them / each of us.

Is your mediator also supporting you with finances? We agreed at the start of mediation that we wanted to both be able to live near each other and both in homes that were appropriate / suitable for the kids. The financial discussions / settlement was based on enabling this to happen rather than what was an even split etc

Wasn't easy, ex was a dick, but it has more or less worked out in the end.

The easiest 50:50 is two set weekday night each and alternate weekends.

You could then work longer on the two nights your dh has kids and shorter on the other. Holidays could be same but maybe with a couple of full weeks each in summer to go away.

You will also need to decide special occasions. We did Xmas eve/xmas morning one year and Xmas tea/Boxing Day the next. Mother's Day and Father's Day we did swap if necessary. The rest we just left it however it fell.

When you divide assest remember to include all savings and pensions. So you may get a bigger split of the house if he has a larger pension.

Will he pay maintenance? If not he needs to pay half of everything- school dinners/uniform/trips/childcare. Plus provide his own clothes/shoes etc.

Have you had legal advice on what share of assets you can reasonably expect? Your ex may be thinking of buying you out by giving you 50% of the equity but you are probably entitled to a bigger share due to your career sacrifice and need for adequate housing. Of course that might not enable you to stay in the house but it might mean you have to sell, even though your ex doesn't want to.

You need to explore that before then considering the practicalities of how the care of the children will be split. 50/50 will only be workable if you both live close to school.

Has your ex explained how 50/50 would work in his view considering he works FT and you work PT? I may be being cynical but I'm envisaging a scenario where he insists on 50/50 nights and avoids paying any CM but you have to run around doing all the pick ups and drop offs on his days too "because he works FT". Be very careful what you agree to.

Must importantly the kids need to be as happy and settled as possible. 50/50 can work well with two fair, civil and engaged parents both willing to put time and effort in. But if you suspect your ex is the "palming off" type they will be better off with you as RP and your ex will just have to cough up whether he likes it or not. If you are RP you will definitely be entitled to a bigger chunk of equity from the house.

@Notsuretoputit thats not true. I know a couple who have done a week on, week off with their child since he was a toddler (via a court arrangement). Seems to work really well - the court system seems to encourage 50/50 (or as near to it as possible) now as being in a child’s best interest, unless it’s a baby - then there would be a slow build up to that.
Agree with @honeylulu, how does your ex see 50/50 working for the children in terms of his work etc?

I never said they’d stop them seeing their father, no.

I was responding to the ludicrous suggestion that a court would be favourable to granting custody of young children to their father Monday-Friday with a mother visiting at weekends (where both parents are safe and loving with no welfare concerns.)

Except the person I was responding to was not talking about 50/50.

@Notsuretoputit Does that not happen the other way around very frequently?!!

Every week? That is what I was responding to - the suggesting that a court wouldn’t be favourable to children moving with their mother and instead they’d stay in the family home with OP visiting at weekends.

That is heartbreaking for your DC and you, even if it is every other week. Entirely unfair on both of you

@Notsuretoputit Court Ordered week on, week off for me too. Boys were 3 and 6. Ex was coercively controlling.