How to divide children fairly after separation?

[cupcakegirl22]

Me and my ex husband are currently going through a divorce and have 2 children aged 6 and 4. We are about to start mediation for how we will split the kids once the house is sold.

My ex is talking about splitting them 50/50, which is great, but how does that really work in a week that has 7 days? Also the mediator told me during my MIAM that it can't really be 50/50 anyway, so I just wanted to come up with some sort of schedule to present at mediation and go from there. Has anyone been through similar with their kids? what's fair? I'm not trying to take the kids away from their dad at all, I know they will always need him there.

There's also the issue of the kids school, I can't afford to rent anywhere and the only option is to get council housing. I'm pretty certain I wouldn't get in my current area, as it's a very small town. However, my ex is planning on buying me out of the marital home and keeping the kids in the same school as they are currently in. In an ideal world that would be perfect, but I just don't see how it will work if for example I'm housed in the next city which is 40 minutes away. He financially is capable of renting and I suggested once I move, that he could live nearby therefore the kids school won't be an issue. He's adamant on staying put, however. what can I do in this situation?

But you said you can’t afford to live in the house - therefore he can’t leave you in the house anyway. So he may aswell try and keep it so the kids don’t have to move. They only need one of you in the area, the other (you) has to travel.

Yes @LondonFox but 50/50 is rarely that one has weekends and holidays and the other the school / working week. Look at all the examples given by posters which ensure both parents have the children after a day at work, both have to organise childcare in their time, both get days off with their children, etc. 50/50 generally means that both parents are doing weekdays as well as weekends and holidays so both get down time with their children - and that is what the ex is pushing for. OP has said that she would rather that her ex has the children EOW and one night in the week. That’s where you may end up with the DisneyDad situation - but that’s the scenario you were advising.

I can’t have the kids one week me the other week him. Firstly, I couldn’t not see my kids for that long

But it’s ok for their father not to see them?

Your children need to come first here. Work out what’s best for them and then figure out what that means for you and their father. They don’t divide!

I don't understand why you think it is reasonable to expect him to move to an area of your choosing when (if) he can afford to buy you put and make the children move schools at the same time. Working shifts also isn't likely to benefit your children and as you will be unable to find childcare for such long hours. It sounds like the sensible option would be him having the kids the majority of the time and the children being with you on weekends. Start thinking about what is best and less disruptive for the children rather than what you want

It doesn't feel like you've had any legal advice OP. Have an hour with a hood solicitor.

If he earns double your salary he needs to be paying spousal maintenance.

I think you should be going for a mesher agreement and you stay in the Family home, he rents nearby.

Are you a solicitor?

It is my understanding that mesher orders are not very common and that judges tend to favour a clean break.

Also, spousal maintenance would not be beneficial if OP is likely to be eligible for UC. Spousal maintenance is deducted from UC so it may wipe out any entitlement she has. OTOH, child maintenance is disregarded completely.

Do you live in the uk?

XDP has his son Wednesday- Saturday afternoon wk 1, Wednesday -Sunday wk2.

And any Mon/Tues his XW decides.

XDP is still in the family home. XW lives a 30min drive away, so will often use "working late" as a reason to not collect her son Mon/Tues from school. She does not pay XDP any maintenance, nor pay back the days she leaves her son with XDP.

My favourite was refusing to collect her son one Saturday, as she was running a marathon Sunday.

Hence him being XDP.

My point here is that any arrangement could look great on paper, but it's whether you both stick to it or not. Remember what PPs have said about your career being put on hold while raising the kids. This is a strong argument to take into mediation for you to keep the house.

At 4 and 6 I really wouldn’t worry about moving schools.
If You’re both serious about 50/50 it will be better for everyone if you’re living closer than 40 mins. You can’t afford to live near him, he can choose live near you.

Very different circumstances, but I do a 40 minute school run everyday to take my children to a mainstream school that will accommodate my son’s SEN. It’s been a nightmare whenever my daughter has a play date or wants to invite a friend for over. It will be much better for your children if both parents live near the school. And your ability to work will be severely impacted by the school run too.

If they were in secondary school I’d agree that not changing schools is a priority, but not at 4 and 6.

Agree with all the advice regarding finances and legal advice!

How do you propose she makes her ex move closer to her when he’s said no though?

You’re right, she can’t make her ex move. But 50/50 is far more likely to work the
closer they live to each other. It sounds like he is lucky enough to have a choice, she doesn’t. hopefully a reasonable father could see this was is the children’s best interest.
That’s me presuming he’s reasonable though

I would do this too. Basically you’re entitled to have 50% of the assets built up within the marriage, plus provision for you and the children afterwards, even if you’re doing 50/50.

That’s still primarily to suit the OP though. The children would have to leave their own home to 2 new homes in a new area, and leave their school, to suit their mum who doesn't want 50/50 anyway because it doesn’t work for her work hours. He’s expected to get rid of his home and move to an area of her choosing when they’ve just divorced. It’s not as simple as he needs to be reasonable unfortunately.

@AnotherEmma @theeyeofdoe @TeaKitten

I live in the UK, I'm not a solicitor. I'm basing this on advice I had during my long, difficult, acrimonious and expensive divorce.

Judges prefer a clean break where possible.

I don't think it sounds like it is here. Mesher agreements do still happen, I know of two personally. Judges won't favour the mum moving 40 mins from school due to lack of financial provision or for the children to move school.

Dad needs to cough up to make it possible for the kids to stay in the same school and mum to be local.

I don't know the details of the case and I'm not an expert but a good solicitor will make this possible.

Don't go any further OP without legal advice, you sound like you are not getting the settlement you need here.

I agree OP may be able to get a better settlement but I can’t see anything that makes it sound likely she will get spousal support, it’s rare anyway and she’s working. She says he earns more but she doesn’t think he will even be able to get a mortgage on their current house alone, and that he can afford to rent elsewhere, not buy. He will be having the kids 50/50 too…

It doesn't sound as though you can afford to live alone. I would not simply say 50/50 on the house and move out. Depending on the equity, you may have a right to more than that. How much are the current mortgage payments? Perhaps he should move out and rent and you pay for the current house? You may have a right to remain in your house until your children are 18 if you cannot afford other accommodation and he can. Get a free 30 mins at a solicitors.

My DD did 1 week with DF, 1 week with me. We swapped over on a Friday after school. Alternate christmas and birthdays, 2 weeks for holidays during the summer holidays. It worked very well.

Also if you do a totally 50:50 split then you will get no maintenance from your husband so please factor tgst onto your finance calculations

Why is it so tragic that he is expected to leave his home? She doesn’t seem to have a choice in the matter.
They both need to comprise, perhaps jointly picking an area they can both afford to live in would be a good start.
Think of all those 40 minute trips between homes and school over the next 12-14 years. Yes it will be disruptive now, but much easier in the long run and the children can have more far independence as they get older.

I didn’t say it was ‘tragic’ at all. It doesn’t have to be tragic to point out it’s an expectation that he’s expected to give up his home. He has already said he doesn’t want to move, and literally nobody can make him, so it doesn’t seem like a viable option to the OP right now.

As I mentioned to her earlier she’s better off checking if she will get any help from UC towards rent as that would increase affordability. She’s also assumed she will be able to get council housing and that it will only be available 40minutes away, more research needs to be done. She needs to accept 50/50 is fairly likely and work with that, as just saying ‘im
not going that long without seeing my kids’ isn’t going to be a realistic option either. Honestly I think her just saying they should sell the house because she can’t afford to live in it was a mistake, if she’s had legal advice it’s not been very good.

Most judges would make sure mother and children are adequately housed as earning potential of women is lower due to career breaks etc so might be worth threatening court and going through with it if he won't be reasonable.

One alternative could be 'nesting' where children stay in home and you and exh take turns there and rent rooms for the remainder of the time.

Depends how much you really think he will look after the dcs alone

@pickledandpuzzled withiut knowing his salary it is unwise to say op Ed needs to pay spousal. Unless he’s v high earner it won’t happen. Double salary us meaningless - could mean he earns 40k

op does need legal advice though.
if they’re both relatively young there may well not be lots of assets and lots of visions to offset…

and thoughts in moving /council houses/ ex moving etc don’t seem well
thought through yet

Op says little equity and she can’t afford the mortgage nor to stay - so again, unless he’s a v high earner she is highly unlikely to bet a long mesher

Even if you change the mortgage to interest only and a longer term? You might be able to claim benefits to pay towards it too? Look at the ‘what am I entitled to’ online calculator

We don't do it a week on/week off- it would upset 8 year old DD not to see either of us for a week and we need each other for school runs etc during the week as we both work FT. We do the following:

Alternate Thursdays, Friday and Saturday nights
Sun/Mon nights - me
Tues/Weds night- ex DP

We do school run on the same days every week including days she's not with us overnight so only ever goes without seeing either one of us for a day/couple of days. She's very attached to both of us and it works well. We're also both very flexible with each other if work changes/there's family events etc. A year post split and she's a happy little girl.