Dealing with feelings of betrayal from children

[Devonmum2552]

I have 3 children - 17,11 and 6

my ExH cheated on me xmas eve 2022 - he left smirking, never apologised just walked out. It was a one night stand but we’d been having issues for a while but it still came as a shock. Within a matter of hours, I’d been blocked by the IL’s, the kids were totally
fine with the situation within a day or so weirdly no tears were shed…. Except mine!

the older two just defended him
and said what he had done wasn’t that bad and I just need to move on like he has.

fast forward 3 months and he’s met the love of his life, soulmate (his words not
mine) he introduced his
new gif to the children behind
my back…I found out through my youngest.

another 3 months - they are moving in together - with her two children and my three. So still less than 9 months since cheating everyone except me
seems to have moved on.

the children have formed a close bond with the new gf already , she’s fun, doesn’t work so has all the time in the world to form a bond with my children. ExH paying for meals out holidays, new pets etc.

the children prefer this lifestyle to
living with me, and what’s become clear is that my eldest who I originally thought would be able to understand the situation and see how hurtful them moving on with their new family could be - has chosen to live there and block me out of her life. She’s taken her dads side and defended his choices to live with his gf. He’s done nothing wrong apparently, he’s the good guy in all this.

it hurts a lot and I’m not
sure how to process.

Ive always put her and the other children first. As you naturally do. I thought when
all this first happened she would never forgive her dad for cheating and causing me hurt and pain. I have spoken to her openly about my feelings - how it feels to be seperated from your children not out of choice and for them to be living with a complete stranger and technically being replaced in both their dads and their lives. How this happening so quickly is a lot to handle. Maybe a process that would have taken 2-3 years of moving in with a stepparent etc would be easier to handle.

but she hasn’t understood at all - she had gone back to him with these conversations where by now I am the bad guy sabotaging their new family. He’s emailed to say im
a bully and manipulator for telling my daughter my feelings of hurt from the situation and need to put them first.

he is a classic narcissist who lacks empathy’s and compassion - he can manipulate any situation to his
benefit. When he cheated - I had him, the kids and his family saying I was out of order for checking his messages and catching him out cheating. I had invaded his
privacy…..forgot about the fact that he was actually caught out cheating.

I think he has made the children to become like him, they believe me being upset and hurt by his behaviour is me over reacting and being a psycho….fuelling his fire of that’s why he left and cheated. he had to do that to escape

I just feel overwhelmed by feelings of hurt and rejection now that I so am that worthless they are happy to accept this new family without a thought to how it might impact my relationship with them.

I am an empath so the other extreme, I thought being upset about the destruction of the family would be felt by all of us….I thought the kids would be devastated by the hurt he caused and how he replaced their mother in less than a few
months. But they don’t. They love the new setup.

I’m not sure what this makes me - my children and family were my life,
I always thought I would have them as part of it but the older two are happy to leave to live with their dad full time. The younger one
isstill 50:50 but will no doubt want to leave soon like the older two.

Im not sure how to deal with this situation, I feel rejected by ExH, family, children, mutual friends etc
Everyone is actually happier without
me. What I thought by being a kind, selfless partner and parent has backfired completely.

maybe I should have cheated, shacked up with a random bloke and
moved my kids in after a few months.

I feel anger towards my children for choosing to Support his narcissistic ways. I hate that they are cold hearted towards the whole
situation. and now I am angry at myself for caring so much for people that
couldnt care less about me
or my feelings. Whilst at the same time feeling guilty that they are my children - I feel so upset at having to validate my having feelings.

I guess im just looking for advice on how to
move forward and if anyone has had these feelings of rejection? 😥

Hi @Devonmum2552
I just read your post, sorry you're going through this xx
My Mum and Dad split up when we were young. I remember at 17 yrs old gosh i would have left to live with 'cool' Dad. Not even given a second thought of how much my Mum has done for us kids. My advice would be give it time, i know it's very difficult and painful but they will realise their Dad isn't so 'cool' after all. Take this time to focus on yourself and your youngest child. Stay positive and strong, this time will pass xx

You chose this person to have children with it is not the children's fault , they have every right to their own feelings and opinions so do not put this onto them

The whole situation is a mess but ultimately I'm guessing you don't want to alienate or push your children further away??

As a first step I'd seek out a therapist or councillor who specialises in parental alienation and can give you practical strategies and tactics to deal with this.

I'd also stop trying to get them to see he is the "bad guy" and to pick you. It's not a strategy that's working and you'll push them further away.

Dumping your emotions and feelings about it all on your children isnt helping them or you. It’s just placing them on a battlefield where you’ve made it obvious they are meant to pick sides.

yes his cheating hurt. But we need to protect children as best we can from the drama and toll it takes on us.

I’ve always put my children first though, he did not.
He’s cold heartedly discarded me, created a new family within months and treated me like crap and now my children think that’s fine? So fine that they promote his choices and defend him?

@Devonmum2552 they are children and lack the emotional maturity for it all.

You are angry at their choices and making things worse by punishing them with your emotions/displeasure and telling them how wrong they are, how bad he is, how it’s everyone against you…

what child needs this from their parent in an already crappy time for them?

look to get yourself some healing and hopefully you can repair the relationship with your children over time.

Thanks - the problem is he is the bad guy though.
he manipulated and emotionally abused me for years - my eldest daughter could see that. She was the one who told me he gaslighted me constantly and he was a horrible unkind person.
he has flipped this round by them believing he has done nothing wrong and accepting that this has all been ok. now they have rejected me?!

does a 17 year old have a lack of emotional maturity though? I knew right from wrong at that age

There is absolutely no way you could have known how this would play out over the years and you have clearly given the marriage as much of yourself as you could. Remember how hard you tried and how strong you were. Be proud of that and use it to genuinely like yourself.

Doing this for me through the hard times when my ex was busy being Disney Dad and 'chilled' (lazy and irresponsible). Be kind to yourself. Everyone is trying to adjust and they I know they can walk away from you for a while because you're the safe parent who will still be there. He has all the power in the situation and your children know that Dad might disrupt their lives again. You won't and so they can be safely distant from you for a while.

They are probably establishing themselves in his new life so that he doesn't forget them too.

You are currently stuck because of all you've been through... it does get easier but please work on not being an empath, at least not to your own detriment. It makes you very vulnerable and you need your strength now.

Make a point of falling in love with yourself. You deserve your support and energy and while they're at least taking care of the children, take some time for yourself. You need and deserve it. Make a point of noticing all the things you do for others and be proud. You sound absolutely amazing, but work on yourself.

I know you feel betrayed by your children, but they will be terrified their father will reject them too. They have to make sure he carries on his relationship with them; from their perspective they can't afford be seen as disloyal to him because they know how he treats people when he wants to change things.

They will, of course know what he's done and I don't believe you are manipulative or a bully for telling your daughter how you feel, but I suspect she already knew. Your ex is looking for any way to justify his behaviour and attitudes and his new partner will be helping him with that too...it suits your purposes to focus on you. Treat yourself as your best friend. You absolutely deserve it.

Let the children have their feelings and do your best to strengthen up. As the old saying goes, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Start talking about how you have headspace for new things. At first it feels like fakery, but little by little it becomes the truth. To have had a lucky escape in lots of ways, but unfortunately you have to go through hell to get there.

I was distraught for a long time after I separated from my ex and sometimes we have to have more contact than I would like, but he doesn't know that. Build up some power and control in the situation by strengthening yourself. Keep posting, wherever you need to. There are many amazing resources online. You can do this.

She knows right from wrong too...she just can't show it. Get yourself lots of support and keep yourself strong. Children's emotional immaturity is better understood today than in our generation....we were still expected to take care of our parents, it is better for her not to.

It is horrifically lonely for you, but if you reach out for support for yourself, and perhaps for her, it's another reason to like yourself. You need to be proud of all you've tried to do, but draw a line under it now.

In reply to WandaWonder,
I strongly suspect 'this person', displayed none of these characteristics when she chose to have children with him.

Thank you for taking the time to reply, ☺️
I appreciate your advice - it makes a lot of sense.

it just feels I guess they are more scared of losing him than me…. When it seems so unjust when he has created this situation. 😥 he didn’t need to cheat, he didn’t need to move in with his new girlfriend within two months of meeting her.

He knows if this was the other way round and a man he didn’t know had stepped in and taken his role he would be devastated - but he’s got in there first like he always did. So he can be the one to say Im over reacting etc.

I would never put him in the position of that happening and he knows it.

I haven’t asked them to pick sides in anyway, I’ve agreed to 50/50 all along. I haven’t fought him for anything just accepted things as they come. But this has got to me, my eldest reporting back to him and the gf - just fuelling his fire.

Both myself and my eldest have been seeing a psychologist together and separately and I have actively encouraged her to express her emotions and try to process things.

I think that’s why I feel abit betrayed, I have done everything I can to help her process things, help her with her anxiety etc .
We’ve always been really close, I thought talking about things together would bring us closer - , I think she does have the emotional maturity to know what happened….but now that’s changed.

It’s been twisted that from having those conversations I am manipulating her with showing my emotions. She’s gone back to my ex and gf reporting this - giving ammunition to ex to send a shitty email telling what a terrible parent I am and how the kids are scared of my reactions.

Hi Devonmum, they definitely are more scared of losing him than you because he's proved it's a possibility!!

He fancied another woman and disrupted their lives and that of their mother....I promise you that they do know what he's done but if they acknowledge it and get angry they'll lose him.

You are obviously a wonderful Mum, but you are hurting. You need space to rant and rave, on an emotional level it's a really terrible thing to do to someone and he has to find a way to justify it. The children already know and the older ones are probably terrified.

Use 50/50 to your own advantage. Start thinking about how to make YOUR future better. I know it seems right now that it's unlikely, but you can build a secure and reliable base for you and your children will want part of that. This is a massive honeymoon phase for your ex and if and when cracks appear for your children, you need to be strong enough to deal with it, and if not, they need you anyway.

You absolutely can do this x

Thank you so much @Feelingfree2023 your words have helped a lot.

I felt I was dealing with things well in such a short space of time but this has just floored me. Every time I get a tiny glimmer of happiness or relief from the situation - something else triggers me.

I can deal with the 50/50 but them choosing to live there has just pushed me back down to rock bottom.

thank you again for taking the time to respond x

I’m not a parent so honestly can’t relate to having children and how much this situation will really hurt. I’m sorry you’re going through this though.

As a PP said, take advantage of your time where they have the children. You can reconnect with yourself and this will make you feel a lot better (though of course still hurt). I think focusing on you is all you can do; you can’t force anything with the children. I think when they’re older, they’ll see the light. Right now they’re just scared children who don’t want to lose their Dad. Even the 17 year old is still a child in many ways.

He is trying to put you in a certain position to justify his behaviour and he knows you well enough to know how awful you will feel.

Try giving yourself a limit of an hour a day, perhaps before lunch, to go through it in your mind and think about what you can do to keep yourself as protected as possible. After that, it's your time for sleep, work, study in fact anything at all that benefits you and not him.

Approach it as a logical problem as far as possible. Zooming out from it a bit may well help. Try to put it in a box and do anything else during your day to nurture yourself, because you have no control over what your ex does or persuades others to do. How do you think your daughter wil feel when she realises how he's made her trat someone who's vulnerable, especially her own mother?

Look athe power balance. Don't be drawn into blaming her, he's using her so he can present himself to his new partner as reasonable, when deep down they all know what he's capable of. He is who he is and that's a permanent problem.for him...his own personality!!!

In that respect in particular, you're already streets ahead. Don't be drawn I to blaming the children.... it's him. They can't risk standing against him, they're aware they may well lose him permanently if they do. You need plenty of support. PM me any time x

PS thinking around lunch really helped me. I wasn't as tired and could shut it off for the rest of the day, although it took practice. Might be worth a try, as is approaching your recovery from this. He has basically given you an emotional illness which you can and will recover from, but it will take time. Write yourself a plan and try your best to stock to it. You can tweak it, journal it all and respond to anything necessary within that hour.

Then let it go 💖

You’re not putting your children first by expecting them to be as outraged as you were though.

I’m going to come at this from a slightly different angle.

It sounds as if your marriage hasn’t been in a good place for a long time. Your h cheating was the catalyst which ended the marriage, but ultimately if it was a bad marriage then even though it hurts he probably did you a favour.

But your children have been living in a toxic atmosphere of an unhappy marriage for as long as it has been unhappy.

To them it may even be a relief that the marriage is over and that they’re no longer living in a toxic atmosphere.

If the relationship is a new one then it is likely a different vibe to the one they’ve been used to at home, and they’re getting to see their father in a different light to what he was like when you were together.

It doesn’t make what he did to you ok, but to the children, he is their father, and they are going to want a father more than they are going to want to take sides.

I wouldn’t say that what you’re doing is deliberately bullying and manipulative, but if you’re telling them how all this is making you feel and how hurt you are, then you are going to push them away, because telling them all that sends the message that you want things to be back the way they were, and they likely don’t.

I’m not going to say that they will see him for what he is, it’s a cliche and it’s possible that they won’t. Especially if he makes this new relationship work. People want to believe that everyone will see things how they are, but the truth is that just doesn’t always happen.

But you need to find a way of dealing with your feelings away from your children. Be the mother you’ve alwas been to them, and ten take things from there. Because right now the atmosphere in your house is harder on them than the atmosphere in their dad’s. And so it’s natural that they’re going to choose the place where they feel most relaxed, and less pressured.

Give it time.

Of course your children are scared of losing their Father - he already left his marriage, they probably fear he'll leave them too. If they don't seem afraid of losing you, it's because you're their constant, their safety net.

But gently, your eldest daughter, in particular, is not responsible for providing you with emotional support in the form of listening to you talk about how hurt you are, how you feel replaced, rejected, how it hurts to be separated from them, etc. It might make you feel better but it doesn't bring her closer to you. From a kids perspective (been there) it just feels like emotional dumping and another thing to process in an already difficult situation. Your daughter knows what happened and sees you're hurting, but that doesn't mean she has the bandwidth to support you through it.

Thank you for the other perspective and I see your point that life is just great at their dads house. It’s easy and stress free - BUT that’s because he didn’t get cheated on, or lied to, or ripped off. He’s happy as Larry with the fact he lost absoloutely nothing and has got a new younger girlfriend to :show off and prove to the world what a great guy he is

Our relationship was 21 years and I’d say the last 6-9 months were rocky before he cheated…as he was probably cheating back then I just didn’t catch him out!

I think we had a happy family home for the majority of their childhoods to be honest. I only discussed my feelings with the older one in that I thought sharing would help her be more open. I’ve not said anything to the younger two.

I think that’s what I find difficult - the fact they love being in his new family rather than being with me as I can’t provide what he has, I cant conjure up a new partner with kids the same ages . I work full time so can’t spend days off with them at the beach. I can’t buy them meals out of very evening as I don’t have the money. I can’t provide this because of what he has done and how he did it.

he could have ended things amicably but didn’t. He could have been remorseful and respectful after but he wasn’t…. he was a nasty arrogant piece of work.

they are already showing that they trust his perception of events more than mine- he’s happy in a new relationship so there must be something really great about dad and mum is just the miserable one of her own, poor and bitter! Dad was right all along. And he will be reinforcing this every minute of the day he is with them.

I think you are right also - I don’t think they will ever see the truth about him or even if they do will ignore it and that’s what makes things hard to comprehend. 😢

Sorry to hear this he sounds like a manipulative narcissist. The truth will out eventually OP it ALWAYS does. He will start getting irritated by his kids and his new gf neediness eventually and ditch them too.

The kids will eventually realise their mistake, either when they have to come crawling back when they've felt his wrath and he's stopped the charm offensive or when they're adults.

Similar thing happened to me as a child and I've never felt so guilty for being such a c*nt to one of my parents.

This ‘they are already showing that they trust his perception of events more than mine’ and ‘Our relationship was 21 years and I’d say the last 6-9 months were rocky before he cheated…as he was probably cheating back then I just didn’t catch him out!’ are quite telling.
The marriage clearly wasn’t happy if you were checking his phone etc. and talking about trusting perceptions suggests the expectation to take sides.
If you are not careful with over sharing your house is going to be miserable and a place to avoid. I’m not saying it’s easy in any shape or form but you need to protect your children from your hurt. It’s yours, not theirs.
I would seek help so that you can begin to heal without bringing your children into it. I hope it works out.

Yes, a 17 lacks emotional maturity. They are also mercenary in their actions.

unfortunately you’re taking this personally, their actions aren’t aimed at you. They see there cool dad and want to be with him.

id really suggest building your own life outside ( take a look at meet-ups online, it’s for people to get together and enjoy mural nights out etc) if family. Therapy for the bitterness you’re justifiably feeling and so it doesn’t stay with you.

it’s still early days for you, but for your D.C. the divorce is a very different experience.

let them go and let them know your door is always open, then they will return as you’re their stability ( and they will return)

I wasn’t checking his phone for 9 months that’s just when things turned strange between us and he pulled back from the relationship blaming depression over financial stress. I wasn’t checking on him for 9 months although I did question it.