Dealing with feelings of betrayal from children

[Devonmum2552]

I have 3 children - 17,11 and 6

my ExH cheated on me xmas eve 2022 - he left smirking, never apologised just walked out. It was a one night stand but we’d been having issues for a while but it still came as a shock. Within a matter of hours, I’d been blocked by the IL’s, the kids were totally
fine with the situation within a day or so weirdly no tears were shed…. Except mine!

the older two just defended him
and said what he had done wasn’t that bad and I just need to move on like he has.

fast forward 3 months and he’s met the love of his life, soulmate (his words not
mine) he introduced his
new gif to the children behind
my back…I found out through my youngest.

another 3 months - they are moving in together - with her two children and my three. So still less than 9 months since cheating everyone except me
seems to have moved on.

the children have formed a close bond with the new gf already , she’s fun, doesn’t work so has all the time in the world to form a bond with my children. ExH paying for meals out holidays, new pets etc.

the children prefer this lifestyle to
living with me, and what’s become clear is that my eldest who I originally thought would be able to understand the situation and see how hurtful them moving on with their new family could be - has chosen to live there and block me out of her life. She’s taken her dads side and defended his choices to live with his gf. He’s done nothing wrong apparently, he’s the good guy in all this.

it hurts a lot and I’m not
sure how to process.

Ive always put her and the other children first. As you naturally do. I thought when
all this first happened she would never forgive her dad for cheating and causing me hurt and pain. I have spoken to her openly about my feelings - how it feels to be seperated from your children not out of choice and for them to be living with a complete stranger and technically being replaced in both their dads and their lives. How this happening so quickly is a lot to handle. Maybe a process that would have taken 2-3 years of moving in with a stepparent etc would be easier to handle.

but she hasn’t understood at all - she had gone back to him with these conversations where by now I am the bad guy sabotaging their new family. He’s emailed to say im
a bully and manipulator for telling my daughter my feelings of hurt from the situation and need to put them first.

he is a classic narcissist who lacks empathy’s and compassion - he can manipulate any situation to his
benefit. When he cheated - I had him, the kids and his family saying I was out of order for checking his messages and catching him out cheating. I had invaded his
privacy…..forgot about the fact that he was actually caught out cheating.

I think he has made the children to become like him, they believe me being upset and hurt by his behaviour is me over reacting and being a psycho….fuelling his fire of that’s why he left and cheated. he had to do that to escape

I just feel overwhelmed by feelings of hurt and rejection now that I so am that worthless they are happy to accept this new family without a thought to how it might impact my relationship with them.

I am an empath so the other extreme, I thought being upset about the destruction of the family would be felt by all of us….I thought the kids would be devastated by the hurt he caused and how he replaced their mother in less than a few
months. But they don’t. They love the new setup.

I’m not sure what this makes me - my children and family were my life,
I always thought I would have them as part of it but the older two are happy to leave to live with their dad full time. The younger one
isstill 50:50 but will no doubt want to leave soon like the older two.

Im not sure how to deal with this situation, I feel rejected by ExH, family, children, mutual friends etc
Everyone is actually happier without
me. What I thought by being a kind, selfless partner and parent has backfired completely.

maybe I should have cheated, shacked up with a random bloke and
moved my kids in after a few months.

I feel anger towards my children for choosing to Support his narcissistic ways. I hate that they are cold hearted towards the whole
situation. and now I am angry at myself for caring so much for people that
couldnt care less about me
or my feelings. Whilst at the same time feeling guilty that they are my children - I feel so upset at having to validate my having feelings.

I guess im just looking for advice on how to
move forward and if anyone has had these feelings of rejection? 😥

OP I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I like you would really struggle. It's good you're getting therapy.

When I was a teenager my dad was very open with me about his struggles. Different from yours but tough nonetheless. Like you he probably thought he shared 10 percent of what he was going through. And he was also nice, hard working etc.

But I'm afraid teenagers can't take on too much of someone else's emotion. I didn't want someone dragging me down. I didn't like talking about miserable stuff much. So I appeared cold and disconnected. When he told me stuff I was like, yeah what a shame. He commented I seemed cold and rational etc. I'm really not. It was just easy to handle my mums approach of the odd grumble but mostly getting on with it.

Also when it comes to taking sides this isn't as rationale as you make out. I took my mum's side more my sister my dads. But we both saw both parents. There isn't a universal definition of 'better parent' that all kids sign up to.

I think it's good you told your kids once that he cheated. They should have the facts. But that's enough. If they appear to think that's cool, it's how they're coping. Theyre probably thinming, well what can I do about that? You'll need to find a way to cope accept how they're coping.

I think if you can be the bigger person here, if your ex is as you describe, his new relationship will ultimately implode as well. You just need to wait.

I have this vision of you long into the future in a bar with new GF, knocking back the G&Ts and discussing what an arsehole he was!

For the mean time, communicate with him by email only (or if you are arranging handovers for the little one, factual texts only) and read them only when a friend is with you.

Do not give him the opportunity to send you long horrible messages. Do not engage. Do not respond to anything not about dates and drop offs. Cut off the oxygen for this fire.

First. Stop talking to your DD about you and her father. It's not appropriate and she's repeating everything to him in this false loyalty way.

Second. Children can be fickle. This situation is shiny and new. There OW is, playing Mary Poppins, wanting their approval. There he is, throwing puppies and presents at them.

What you are massively losing sight of, is that this has been a couple of months. Which is easy for me to say as an outsider looking in, but you really need to get a hold of this. Be objective. The showering with presents and pets can't go on forever. The Disney house is not sustainable.

You haven't been replaced. You've been temporarily, and artificially sidelined. Temporarily. Artificially. And the best thing you can do, is kill them with kindness. You are happy he's moved on. All the best to them. You're happy that DD is happy. You're smiley mum in her nice happy house. You'll find very quickly, that narcissist ex will be unsettled by your audacity be be happy without him, and his mask at the Disney house will slip, fast.

I know he's ruined everything you've put into your marriage and he's come off like the good guy, and fuck knows, I'd be raging too. But, rage on the inside and see your therapist. Raging on the outside just plays into this bastard's hands, painting you as the crazy woman. Don't make this easy for him, he can't put this act on forever. Even if it's through gritted teeth, trust me, you've only got to plaster that smile on for now.

When he's shown everyone his true colours in 6mths time, your smile will be genuine.

OP, I was your eldest DD and I was slightly older (early 20s) when my father cheated. He didn't walk out but the aftermath was my mother and him quarrelling every day, my mum crying/blaming everyone and my life falling apart having to deal with their issues.

I too forgave my dad quickly, in fact i gave him a hug that same day my mum confronted him, and told him I forgave him. Not sure why I did, but that's what happened. Lucky my mum didn't know about this.

After that, my mum quickly changed and became this emotional narcissist that only cared about herself and no one else. She was always like this when I was growing up but it became worse after the cheating. She didn't care to hide it anymore. She didn't care about us (the kids) and would do all she can to sabotage any conversation or interaction we kids have with dad, calling him a liar, cheater, breaking our home up. She tells anyone who would listen how her life was destroyed and how she is the victim. Everything and anything is about how horrible dad is and how her world is shattered.

Dad on the other hand, tried to remain some kind of normalcy for us kids, did not bother us with the problem with mum, and 'protected' us when mum had those psychotic episodes.

We kids liked the 'normal' dad because it felt comfortable, and protected us from feeling the family/world is falling apart. Not condoning what he did, but it was easier.

Just sharing my perspective, not saying what I felt was right or wrong. Big hugs, OP, hope you find the support you need.

I agree with this.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time op. It sounds awful for you.

But please don't have these kinds of conversations with your kids. I was in a similar situation with my own mum and I couldn't cope with the weight of expectation on me.

I felt like she overshared with me a lot when I was a teen. She saw it as talking candidly and sharing true emotions, and hoped it would bring us closer. I felt heavily leaned on to agree with her and support her, and I felt as though I was becoming her young therapist.

Thank you every one for your comments.

I have to clarify I only spoke to my daughter once about this - prior to that I didn’t bad mouth her dad or ask them to choose. I thought they would
make their own assumptions and in time / years into the future maybe realise that he was a selfish arse for behaving the way he did.

my upset and feelings of betrayal is that everyone is happy and fine with what’s happened. Nothing to do with them choosing or asking them to ignore their father.

This has only happened in the last week. Before that 50:50 was working fine, obviously I wasn’t happy about the gf and ex moving in together so quickly, I can’t imagine anyone would want that for their children to be honest.
but the feelings of being ‘betrayed’ maybe that’s not the right word…. Hurt? That my daughters have chosen they want to live there full time when in my eyes haven’t done anything wrong in all this.

I do fun things with them, provide a lovely home, have good relationships with them and their friends. I think they still have a happy life here but it’s obviously not enough.

Yes you have by expecting them to feel what you feel. The only way to do that is to make them not just empathise but also identify with your pain. But the reality is he hurt you not them and he left you not them. That is what they have been telling you. They are also too young and too teen to empathise with the type of pain you are feeling.

I don’t think you are going to get your children to open up about their feelings with you. They will be scared of your reaction. It’s your choice to talk and emote. They don’t want to do that. Your own version of this states they are choosing a different environment to live in. Maybe this is what they need and want right now.

TBH based on your own posts you come across as very angry and emotionally demanding atm. As an “empath” that’s a person you would want to help and be around. However most people aren’t you and your children aren’t you.

You show a staggering lack of empathy.

I think it sounds like you put too much on to your eldest daughter, and tried to use her to sound out your feelings- I'm sorry, but that's not her job. By all means be honest that he has hurt you (and yes I'm not defending him- he's an arse) but by being that emotional with your kids, can you maybe see why the set up is easier at dads? They don't need to be his emotional sounding board.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. However I would say that her decision to live with them could have a direct correlation with you using your daughter as a counsellor. It is awkward for her and pressures her to choose a side. Regardless of what your husband has done, you should not vent to your children.

I understand because my ex cheated got caught left and DD was in the first year of uni so she didn't see first hand how upset I was. I didn't want her to worry or be more upset so I told her everything is fine and it's for the best. I felt gutted when she came home at Xmas and stayed with her Dad. The years have moved on though. My DD is married with 2 DS's and I have helped her by going down to care for boys when one had chickenpox so she could work, during pandemic I managed to get Calpol when nobody could get it and drive 120 miles to deliver it to her. I've made the boys special birthday cakes and gone to their party's. Their Grandad is always too busy to go to them. Over time my DD has learned I can be relied upon and her Dad can't be. I know DGS's would always pick me over their Granddad. Your DD will in time see who has her best interest first. Hold your head up because you did nothing wrong.

You are not an empath. You have unloaded all of your hurt onto your dc instead of sheilding them. Im sorry this happened to you but involving your children to this extent is massively wrong.

Biggest problem here is that you cannot see how you are manipulating your children.

You've obviously said things to them on more than one occasion for you to be saying that they defend him. If it was just your daughter the one time (which is one time too many), they all wouldn't be defending him.

Get counselling for yourself but you need to stop involving them in your problems, divorce is hard enough for them without taking on the burden of adult problems.

it is completely inappropriate to ask your child to keep secrets from her dad. she had feelings about what you said and wanted to tall about them with one of the people you felt close to. don't put her in this position. she did not betray you. you let her down. it's understandable given how awful things have been but you need to see where you made a bad call so you can not put her in this position again.

Can't imagine how you feel.

I will say however, my kids dad cheated and left, my children hate what he did, dislike the choices he's made since. It's soul destroying watching children hate their own father. Absolutely awful. I wish they were happy with him but they rarely want to see him. The alternative isn't better

Is your daughter there because she can't handle your pain?

‘We were both talking about our feelings’

Except you are her mother not her friend. When my kids ask me am I sad/upset etc. I say to them that my job is to support them, and I would have my parents and siblings to support me. So they only ever see the official view “I’m sad it was necessary; but overall it’s for the best; I want you to have a good relationship with Dad.”

so, I think we have all made it clear about how perhaps you have handled the situation.
Moving forward - I think you need to let go. You don’t need everyone else’s opinion in life to make you happy. So….start making a life for you - you won’t be half as interested or concerned in your exH. If you have always been the homemaker and never had time for you - which lots of us mums are used to, just do a little something for yourself. Start living and enjoying life. Take a time out from worrying about your children. It might just be a bit of a novelty with the new GF - they might come back once the dust settles. They might not but they are your children no matter what and they will love you with all their heart. Give them breathing space (which I know is heartbreaking ) but they will come round. Meantime, get a pamper session booked, meal out with friends, couple of drinks at the pub, a pub quiz, cinema, walks in the woods, cooking with favourite music on (currently doing this one myself) just be happy

I have spoken to her openly about my feelings - how it feels to be seperated from your children not out of choice and for them to be living with a complete stranger and technically being replaced in both their dads and their lives. How this happening so quickly is a lot to handle.

You shouldn’t have dumped on her like this - she’s your daughter not your counsellor and at 17 she deserves to be sheltered from your pain.

I can imagine it’s a kick in the guts when your kids prefer to spend time with your cheating ex-husband. The thing is, kids love novelty and his new life is exciting right now. Yours is a continuation of the same. It sucks but there it is.

Also, please knock it on the head with all this ‘I’m an empath and he’s a narcissist’ lark. What is it with all the pyschobabble these days. Why can’t people just say ‘my ex is a dick and I’m feeling sad’…!

This needs highlighting!! @Devonmum2552 every post is all about you and how DARE your children not join you in your hate of your ex. I can't believe you're calling yourself an empath when you are completely ignoring how they've been affected by the previous atmosphere in the house and by your current behaviour! And to be angry at the 17yo for not being the person you can trauma dump about her dad on, yet be angry she's got the relationship with her dad to tell him she's unhappy?

Ah OP. I do feel.for you, your pain comes across in every post. The thing is though - much as you maintain that you haven't slagged off your ex or asked your kids to choose etc - your pain will also be very apparent to them so even if you haven't uttered the words, that is probably how they interpret it.

When my sister was 16/17 and I was very small my parents went through a very rough patch. No cheating so far as I'm aware but a lot of accusations, sniping etc. They probably thought I wasn't aware, being so young (4) but I absolutely was. My mum also unfortunately offloaded a bit about her unhappiness etc to my sister. Like you she thought my sis was old enough to see right from wrong and to empathise with how mum was feeling. From speaking to my sister as an adult this tore the teenage her up inside. Objectively she could see my dad was far more at fault but no child, teen or otherwise, should be put in that position. I think what you need to accept and understand is that the loyalty bonds and (usually) unconditional love between parent and child is just different from a romantic relationship. Your DD will never see her dad's actions as the same betrayal that you do and to expect her to do so and to empathise with your entirely different kind of pain to that which she's experiencing has very likely pushed her away. She will always be loyal to her dad and in her head it is you that is challenging that loyalty, not her dad so she's gone for the more

My parents worked through their problems eventually but there was a period where my sister actually moved out to a friend's at 17 just to escape the atmosphere and the expectations from mum. My mum has since apologised for expecting the same level of loyalty and understanding from her kids that she could have reasonably expected from her own adult friends. We're all very close now so there is hope, but honestly you need to fully, truly understand where your DD is coming from. Even now in my 30s as a married woman I would feel kind of uncomfortable with either parent discussing their marital problems with me...

This is brilliant advice.

I’m not angry at her or shown anger at her. I haven’t said that all.

I asked here how to deal with the feelings of betrayal. Not that I have said to her she’s betrayed me.

I have done nothing but support them since this happened - I haven’t said to hate their dad or to take sides. There’s also been manipulation from his side and telling them he did nothing wrong - he is happier now. time to move on etc

to the person who said that I must of spoken with her more than I’ve made out - They defend him in his decisions.
they told me they didn’t want to live with the new gf and her kids, I informed ExH they had spoken to me and said they would feel more comfortable giving the relationship more time ..when it came to him speaking to them the next evening, it’s all fine they are happy with it. He’s manipulated them into agreeing with what he wants. Even my daughter said she basically has to agree as what is the other option?
I was with my ex long enough he has the power to brainwash to get his way.

I am an empathic person, not sure where this doesn’t come across in my posts. Putting my children first, doing the best for them, providing a loving stable home and caring from them when their world got turned upside down- Maybe the better word for it would be that I am sensitive person then but I can tell when they are hurt or sad but feel they don’t always have the power to say what they want with my ex.

Your children will have part of his genetic make up unfortunately.

There is not much you can do really. Just be kind and stay available.

You also need to find yourself in all this “my children were my life” screams that they were the only thing in your life. Take the time you now have to yourself to do things that you have always wanted to do.

But OP, surely you can see that “you (DD) did this” + “I have feelings of betrayal” inevitably add up to “you (DD) have betrayed me”? Any normal person would draw that conclusion, let alone a 17 year old! Don’t hide behind therapy psychobabble about being honest with your feelings etc when kids are involved.