Dealing with feelings of betrayal from children

[Devonmum2552]

I have 3 children - 17,11 and 6

my ExH cheated on me xmas eve 2022 - he left smirking, never apologised just walked out. It was a one night stand but we’d been having issues for a while but it still came as a shock. Within a matter of hours, I’d been blocked by the IL’s, the kids were totally
fine with the situation within a day or so weirdly no tears were shed…. Except mine!

the older two just defended him
and said what he had done wasn’t that bad and I just need to move on like he has.

fast forward 3 months and he’s met the love of his life, soulmate (his words not
mine) he introduced his
new gif to the children behind
my back…I found out through my youngest.

another 3 months - they are moving in together - with her two children and my three. So still less than 9 months since cheating everyone except me
seems to have moved on.

the children have formed a close bond with the new gf already , she’s fun, doesn’t work so has all the time in the world to form a bond with my children. ExH paying for meals out holidays, new pets etc.

the children prefer this lifestyle to
living with me, and what’s become clear is that my eldest who I originally thought would be able to understand the situation and see how hurtful them moving on with their new family could be - has chosen to live there and block me out of her life. She’s taken her dads side and defended his choices to live with his gf. He’s done nothing wrong apparently, he’s the good guy in all this.

it hurts a lot and I’m not
sure how to process.

Ive always put her and the other children first. As you naturally do. I thought when
all this first happened she would never forgive her dad for cheating and causing me hurt and pain. I have spoken to her openly about my feelings - how it feels to be seperated from your children not out of choice and for them to be living with a complete stranger and technically being replaced in both their dads and their lives. How this happening so quickly is a lot to handle. Maybe a process that would have taken 2-3 years of moving in with a stepparent etc would be easier to handle.

but she hasn’t understood at all - she had gone back to him with these conversations where by now I am the bad guy sabotaging their new family. He’s emailed to say im
a bully and manipulator for telling my daughter my feelings of hurt from the situation and need to put them first.

he is a classic narcissist who lacks empathy’s and compassion - he can manipulate any situation to his
benefit. When he cheated - I had him, the kids and his family saying I was out of order for checking his messages and catching him out cheating. I had invaded his
privacy…..forgot about the fact that he was actually caught out cheating.

I think he has made the children to become like him, they believe me being upset and hurt by his behaviour is me over reacting and being a psycho….fuelling his fire of that’s why he left and cheated. he had to do that to escape

I just feel overwhelmed by feelings of hurt and rejection now that I so am that worthless they are happy to accept this new family without a thought to how it might impact my relationship with them.

I am an empath so the other extreme, I thought being upset about the destruction of the family would be felt by all of us….I thought the kids would be devastated by the hurt he caused and how he replaced their mother in less than a few
months. But they don’t. They love the new setup.

I’m not sure what this makes me - my children and family were my life,
I always thought I would have them as part of it but the older two are happy to leave to live with their dad full time. The younger one
isstill 50:50 but will no doubt want to leave soon like the older two.

Im not sure how to deal with this situation, I feel rejected by ExH, family, children, mutual friends etc
Everyone is actually happier without
me. What I thought by being a kind, selfless partner and parent has backfired completely.

maybe I should have cheated, shacked up with a random bloke and
moved my kids in after a few months.

I feel anger towards my children for choosing to Support his narcissistic ways. I hate that they are cold hearted towards the whole
situation. and now I am angry at myself for caring so much for people that
couldnt care less about me
or my feelings. Whilst at the same time feeling guilty that they are my children - I feel so upset at having to validate my having feelings.

I guess im just looking for advice on how to
move forward and if anyone has had these feelings of rejection? 😥

Children don't see that though. They are not mature enough and lack the life exerience to be objective and understand the complexity of relationships.

Unfortunately for you, it isn't fair to point it out either as it weaponises them and forces them to pick a side. You know the truth of the situation, now you have to work out how to deal with it on your own, without sharing that process. Find a therapist to help you.

My ex left after infidelity and moved in with the mistress.

I spent a lot of time reassuring the kids that he betrayed me not them because that is what I truly believe. There was lying and gaslighting involved but that was because he was married to me.

My oldest was 12 when he left and it took a few years for things to sink in. He went NC with his dad at 16. My other children took time (years) to process the changes.

I think that you totally over shared with your dd. It's fine for her to know you're unhappy but of course she's going to prefer the house where things are happy and going on as usual. My kids became closer to me and more strained with their dad partly because I remained the stable one. Their dad's behaviour changed post infidelity and that just makes everything awkward. Your kids aren't being disloyal by picking their own interest which they think is pretending that it didn't happen. Have any of them had their heart broken? If you've never been heart broken then they might imagine it's like falling out with a friend or something.

Finally you need to work on the empath thing because that's going to hold you back and lead to others taking advantage.

I too am the eldest DD in this scenario (minus cheating that I know of) and totally relate to a lot of cocomamia wrote (which I’ve never quite been able to articulate before, so thank you for that!)

Your 17 year old especially is probably feeling quite guilty about the whole thing, but if she tells her dad that, what’s to say he won’t cut her off and out of his life completely? She wouldn’t want that.

Even thinking about it in a more pragmatic sense, it’s in her best interests to build a good relationship with the new GF and kids - if they get married she will not be cut out of the family. I wasn’t as involved as the other kids when my dad got remarried which was really difficult for me. Albeit for my own reasons, but still hard.

I really feel for you. I can understand feeling betrayed by your kids. And I understand your need to explain this to them…but unfortunately that is driving them further away (because they’re carefree at their Dad’s place).

yes he’s a dick, yes it’s unfair that you were the selfless parent for all those years and did everything (me too) and they’ve “chosen” him even after all he’s done to your family and to you. I really understand your feelings. But, you need to look to the future. You want your kids in your life, so how can you achieve that?

You need to process you feelings of hurt and betrayal with someone else (friends, your own parents/siblings or a therapist), you then need to put a brave face on in front of your kids and be fun mum again (fake it until you make it). It is all you can do.

You're asking too much of your children. You are unravelling in front of them and they feel vulnerable. He might be the selfish choice but he is demonstrating a level of calm stability that they need and which you do not possess when you have focused on them feeling the depths of your own pain.

Your children need you to put your game face on and pull your shit together.

You don't come across as empathetic at all from your posts, saying your children are 'selfish and have betrayed you' and am paraphrasing but 'how can you continue your relationship with them as they have chosen to live with him'?! Wtf?! And you have absolutely overshared with the 17yo
I have spoken to her openly about my feelings - how it feels to be seperated from your children not out of choice and for them to be living with a complete stranger and technically being replaced in both their dads and their lives. How this happening so quickly is a lot to handle. Maybe a process that would have taken 2-3 years of moving in with a stepparent etc would be easier to handle. Why on earth would you think this is ok to do? And as for the joint therapy with her, is that something she chose?

I haven't read all of the other advice you have received on here just some. However I wanted to say that it sounds like your ex's relationship is in the honeymoon period and that could unravel quickly. Use this time to sort yourself out. At the same time do not put any pressure on your children. Show them that you will always be there for them and that your door is always open but don't discussion the actions of you ex. Find yourself a distraction or hobby to fill your time this could be exercise or something craft based such as knitting or patchwork. Simply look after yourself ! Good luck op

I was so sad reading this thread. I'm also going through a divorce currently, from a partner who left me very abruptly for someone else, and moved in with her immediately and "blended" their respective children within 4 months. So I get it.

I've also been divorced before, with children involved then too. All I can say is that no matter how painful it is for you, you cannot bring the children (even older teens) into the circumstances of the split. It's very hard to play the long game, but children become adults and they do see what's what. As others have said, by trying to "persuade" your older DD that dad is the wrongdoer, at present all you're likely to achieve is that she's driven more towards him. Also as others have said, your children know that you're their safe place. That's why you get the bad behaviour: because they know they can do that and you'll still love them. Whatever they say on the surface, they will be reeling from the dissolution of their family and are probably just clinging on to their dad because they fear losing him.

In your situation, I'd try to just go along with it, never say anything bad about dad or OW, and keep letting DC know that wherever they want to spend their time, that's fine. You love them. You want to be with them, but you understand they also want a good relationship with dad. Take away that feeling of "we have to pick a side". They will come back to you.

But he didn’t do anything wrong to them did he? And that’s the point that you are still missing. If he had to have that conversation with them then it’s clear that you have said what he did was wrong which is just wrong.
Maybe they weren’t comfortable saying they wanted to live with him in case it hurt your feelings. I am quite sure they wouldn’t stay there unless they were happy.

What pets has the exH provided for each of his bio & GF's children?

Oh and whys the pets an issue? Has he stopped you from before, not looked after ones you've got already?
I think you need to recognise that things are shit, but you're giving him too much head space!

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. It really must have been one trauma after another. Please don't beat yourself up about not acting all cheerful and smiley around the kids. You are only human.

I’m sorry you are going through such hurt and pain. Betrayal is the worst and very hard to come to terms with. Plus when things come as a shock, it is a lot.

imo it’s important to be honest with children where possible age appropriately re what has happened and that you may obviously be upset and unhappy for a while. Once that conversation is done, you need to seek emotional support elsewhere. It is not your children’s job to emotionally support you through this and it would be very unfair and counter productive to your relationship with them to ask them to do this. Get a good accredited therapist in place for weekly meetings so you can emotionally off load there. And speak to friends, outside of the presence of your children. Going forward you need to keep your feelings about your ex and his behaviour out of your conversations with your children or you are going to risk alienating them and hurting them because of your pain.

Such a good response.

Op stop discussing your marriage or it break down with children. It’s so inappropriate, would you randomly start talking about your relationship problems with your 17 year old nephew or niece?
just because it’s your child it’s doesn’t matter, you shouldn’t be dragging her into it.

sge should be free to create and develop a relationship with her father in this new setting and his partner without the burden of your opinion or feeling guilt out of loyalty to you. It’s not fair or healthy.

yes you would hope she wouldn’t bad mouth you to them but I think you are ruining your relationship by burdening her with your grief due to the end of your marriage.

vent to your own friends. Your children don’t owe you anything nor even loyalty just because your brought them up, which is your legal obligation. Of course it would be nice, but don’t try to make them feel guilty for having a good relationship with their father.

don’t make your home the one that is full of bitter ness and anger and hurt, you’ll push them away.

you have to compartmentalise. Do not even mention their father when they’re around, not make faces or go quiet. If they mention just generic answers of “oh, that’s nice.”

do not let this man ruin your relationship with your children. Do not let him win.

start rebuilding your life, make your home full of joy and kindness and ease.

take your anger out at boxing class or something physical, find your catharsis.

you will get through this and your life on the other side can be wonderful if you let it.

You need to focus on your own life and your best options for you. No one wants to be around doom and gloom and I say this as someone who has been through the ringer a few times! Make a happy place for your kids in a different way. There's enough to go round.

Frankly, he hasn't ruined the kids' lives. Things are pretty good for them. He's turned YOURS upside down, but the kids won't fully see that.

You just can't expect the kids to be upset about all this the same way you are. And if you keep unloading on them, you will push them away.

I’m wondering how the OP is getting on now. Please do come back and update.

I’ve been divorced from my first kid’s dad for a decade and a half now.

Only last year though did I learn that my ex has been sl*gging me off to my DS for a huge amount of that time.

I always thought — naively — that we wouldn’t do that. Things were never amicable but I’d always avoided out-and-out saying awful things about DS’s dad. Bit my tongue a LOT. I just stupidly thought it would work the other way too.

Unfortunately DS, now almost an adult, absolutely thinks his father is some kind of truth-telling hero and that I’m a villain. If I didn’t now have a DD — if my DS didn’t have a little sister who he loves — I think he would choose to live with his dad. He has said how he sees that as his ‘real’ home.

So OP, it is HARD. People will say ‘oh they’ll see through them eventually’ but they might not, not while they’re so young, maybe not ever. Sometimes I wish I’d never held back re: his dad. I have ‘the moral high ground’ but for what? I always thought I was protecting DS’s feelings but in reality I was probably just making things even easier for my ex. But I did it for the right reasons.

It does feel like a betrayal. But also — these are kids. My DS is almost an adult but — he’s a kid. That’s been a bit of a shift in my thinking. I was quite angry at first but — he’s a kid. He’s a kid who’s been persuaded in subtle and less than subtle ways over the years that I’m awful and his dad’s perfect. Almost like brainwashing in a way. Kids are little loving beings who are desperate to be wanted, need so much to please. And when someone does that, showers them with affection and a happy smile and a sort of ‘good vibes only’ lifestyle? They fall for it. Because they’re kids, because they’re immature, because they’re needy little people pleasers who just want to feel good, and no shame.

I’ve vented to my husband a LOT. I’ve called DS all the names under the sun (to my DH). It’s stopped me from saying anything to DS. I hope you have someone in your life to whom you can vent so you don’t take this out on your kids.

And I’ve continued to show him love. I’ve apologised for any times I’ve been a less than perfect mother too (e.g. when his little sister came along I was so absorbed for a while that I think he felt a bit rejected — happens a lot with new siblings but his dad turned it into me being a dreadful person who didn’t love him, who preferred my new baby daughter — it would have been so easy to explain myself or even get angry but I just apologised).

Kids are easily led and manipulated. They just want to feel good and loved. They’ll run to whoever makes them feel that way. I think eventually most of them do come around, but it can take years and even for them to have their own kids (if they do).

I hope you’re okay OP. x

The pain is just horrific. Reading your story just shows how vile some human beings can become. I hope you are able to get the support / therapy to get through. Tough times 😢😢

I felt every word of the original post. Very similar circumstances. He also told me he was leaving with a smirk on his face. I felt so belittled. There was nothing awful about our marriage, he simply said the 'spark' had gone.
2 years later now, hes engaged to the OW. Kids now seem to have adjusted and its still killing me. Now the dust has settled, everyone else seems happy. I feel alone in my devastation. I dispise the time without my kids. I feel like OW has stolen time with children and the joy that comes with.
Spending my daughters birthday alone was torture as it was his day. Knowing OW was with me daughter on her birthday just feels so wrong. They have the family life that I have been robbed of.
I also found this thread as I need to deal with my own feelings of betrayal. I cant get my head or my heart to understand how my children can be around that woman.
A lot of the advice on this thread is hard to read, its been a really hard 2 years and the kids have seen me cry far too often. Its a lot to cope with and faking the smile feels impossible some days. Some days life is just overwhelming