Dealing with feelings of betrayal from children

[Devonmum2552]

I have 3 children - 17,11 and 6

my ExH cheated on me xmas eve 2022 - he left smirking, never apologised just walked out. It was a one night stand but we’d been having issues for a while but it still came as a shock. Within a matter of hours, I’d been blocked by the IL’s, the kids were totally
fine with the situation within a day or so weirdly no tears were shed…. Except mine!

the older two just defended him
and said what he had done wasn’t that bad and I just need to move on like he has.

fast forward 3 months and he’s met the love of his life, soulmate (his words not
mine) he introduced his
new gif to the children behind
my back…I found out through my youngest.

another 3 months - they are moving in together - with her two children and my three. So still less than 9 months since cheating everyone except me
seems to have moved on.

the children have formed a close bond with the new gf already , she’s fun, doesn’t work so has all the time in the world to form a bond with my children. ExH paying for meals out holidays, new pets etc.

the children prefer this lifestyle to
living with me, and what’s become clear is that my eldest who I originally thought would be able to understand the situation and see how hurtful them moving on with their new family could be - has chosen to live there and block me out of her life. She’s taken her dads side and defended his choices to live with his gf. He’s done nothing wrong apparently, he’s the good guy in all this.

it hurts a lot and I’m not
sure how to process.

Ive always put her and the other children first. As you naturally do. I thought when
all this first happened she would never forgive her dad for cheating and causing me hurt and pain. I have spoken to her openly about my feelings - how it feels to be seperated from your children not out of choice and for them to be living with a complete stranger and technically being replaced in both their dads and their lives. How this happening so quickly is a lot to handle. Maybe a process that would have taken 2-3 years of moving in with a stepparent etc would be easier to handle.

but she hasn’t understood at all - she had gone back to him with these conversations where by now I am the bad guy sabotaging their new family. He’s emailed to say im
a bully and manipulator for telling my daughter my feelings of hurt from the situation and need to put them first.

he is a classic narcissist who lacks empathy’s and compassion - he can manipulate any situation to his
benefit. When he cheated - I had him, the kids and his family saying I was out of order for checking his messages and catching him out cheating. I had invaded his
privacy…..forgot about the fact that he was actually caught out cheating.

I think he has made the children to become like him, they believe me being upset and hurt by his behaviour is me over reacting and being a psycho….fuelling his fire of that’s why he left and cheated. he had to do that to escape

I just feel overwhelmed by feelings of hurt and rejection now that I so am that worthless they are happy to accept this new family without a thought to how it might impact my relationship with them.

I am an empath so the other extreme, I thought being upset about the destruction of the family would be felt by all of us….I thought the kids would be devastated by the hurt he caused and how he replaced their mother in less than a few
months. But they don’t. They love the new setup.

I’m not sure what this makes me - my children and family were my life,
I always thought I would have them as part of it but the older two are happy to leave to live with their dad full time. The younger one
isstill 50:50 but will no doubt want to leave soon like the older two.

Im not sure how to deal with this situation, I feel rejected by ExH, family, children, mutual friends etc
Everyone is actually happier without
me. What I thought by being a kind, selfless partner and parent has backfired completely.

maybe I should have cheated, shacked up with a random bloke and
moved my kids in after a few months.

I feel anger towards my children for choosing to Support his narcissistic ways. I hate that they are cold hearted towards the whole
situation. and now I am angry at myself for caring so much for people that
couldnt care less about me
or my feelings. Whilst at the same time feeling guilty that they are my children - I feel so upset at having to validate my having feelings.

I guess im just looking for advice on how to
move forward and if anyone has had these feelings of rejection? 😥

I have spoken to her openly about my feelings - how it feels to be seperated from your children not out of choice and for them to be living with a complete stranger and technically being replaced in both their dads and their lives. How this happening so quickly is a lot to handle. Maybe a process that would have taken 2-3 years of moving in with a stepparent etc would be easier to handle.

I’m sorry you’re hurting, but this was completely inappropriate. This is the conversation you have with a close friend or family member - or a trained professional - not your teenage daughter. It’s not her job to help you process your feelings of hurt. It’s hugely unfair to burden her with them.

Your ex betrayed you, not your kids. This may sound mad to you, but your feelings about said betrayal aren’t and shouldn’t be their problem. They have two parents and they are allowed to love and enjoy their father. He’s still there for them, they’re having a lovely time and that’s fine. Don’t attempt to guilt them about that or share your feelings about it and dress it up as acknowledging feelings.

I went through a similar situation at 17 - dad cheated on mum, left family home, moved in with someone straight away.

My mum sounds like she handled it just like you - angry, devastated, overshared with the kids and slagged off dad to us for his shitty behaviour.

Tbh I left home as well - not to my dads though. I'd had enough of my mum moaning about my dad, crying, telling me how upset she was, what a bitch his affair woman was, telling me about her difficulties (money, house etc). It went on for ages and was all about her and her feelings - too much for me as a teen to take on. The place I went to was a much happier one.

I completely understand that she was upset, we all were, but at that age I would have much preferred her approach to be 'well this is crap and a massive change for us all - so how are YOU doing?' And just try to move on to a 'new normal' as soon as possible. Easier said than done I know, when your marriage has just ended.

So maybe try and tone down your emotions with your kids - speak to adult friends and the counsellor instead if you need to- and when they see a calm and happy home and mum they will want to spend more time there.

Two things leapt out at me-

He didn’t leave his children, he clearly maintained contact and fully included them in his new start. Staying with you isn’t necessarily the same as putting the children first. It might be, but it might not.

You trauma dumped on your children when they were already struggling with the situation- their dad left and their mum told them how awful she felt instead of reassuring them everything would be ok and that he still loves them. You turned it into a game of pick me. Presumably at those ages, one had just started a new school and the other is in 6 form? Tough times.

Dont get me wrong- he picked a crap time to leave and he shouldn’t have cheated. But- he didn’t make it worse than necessary for the children. It’s possible you accidentally did.

'My thought was not to make the kids responsible for my emotions. What you see as transparency with your oldest child wasbeing manipulative- it was creating an expectation that she would modify her behaviour to make you happy, but without actually coming out and saying it.'

This. OP, kindly, there's a very strong sense in your post that you believe your children, particularly your eldest, owe you, emotionally at the least. They don't. Your use of 'betrayal' is interesting. They haven't betrayed you. The fact you think they have shows that you are working on the presumption of some kind of implicit emotional contract where your 'sacrifices' receive a due reward/payment of their conformity to what you want. From first-hand experience of this - it is very damaging for a child/young adult.

And - while I never would have put it as harshly as the PP above - when people say they're 'empaths' it does ring alarm bells for me, because it usually comes with a side order of emotional manipulation - a demand that these deep selfless feelings receive what the empath considers is their due (in your case, what you consider as emotional loyalty, which involves a rejection of their father).

I think you should apologise to your eldest for inappropriately sharing with her, just be there for your children with no comment on the situation, and seek therapy to find a way of adapting to the situation you are in.

Putting the children first would be not to cheat on their mother on
Xmas eve. Blowing our whole Xmas apart:

He actually told them what he had done not
me. He wanted to tell them in person.

I just don’t see how being fine with 50/50 since day one, I never said he didn’t love them, I’ve never stopped them from seeing them or bad mouthed him. He’s an utter selfish bastard but I know they will always love him.

50/50 was working well until he decided to move in with his girlfriend of three months and her two children. I see that is putting himself first not his children by making a selfish decision.

I guess I thought the eldest who I have always been very close to and saw the destruction he caused - wouldn’t favour him over me to be honest.

I don’t think it’s an expectation of loyalty - just that’s what I thought would happen.

As stated I am in therapy, and I didn’t share all of that information just out of the blue to offload onto her we were both talking about our feelings

This is so difficult, and I can hear your pain in your op.

But I think you need to stop telling your dc how he's hurt you. Your dc aren't sounding boards, and as much as you want to paint your ex as a bastard (as he is), you should steer away from this.

In your shoes I'd simply not discuss your ex or his new family with your dc, if you dc mention him or his gf just smile and nod. Don't pass judgement. Even if they moan about him, just be empathetic to them but don't have an opinion. Just be there for your dc and put yourself first.

Start to make a new life for yourself, as hard as it is, meet friends, new hobbies, work, decorate the house, take the kids to a pick your own pumpkin - you get the picture. From now onwards your ex and his new set up is out of bounds as a discussion point from you

I did this with my dc, I'm not even sure they know he cheated and I now have a wonderful relationship with my kids, my ex has gone through a string of live in gf's and even the kids take the piss now. Kids don't like having to be made to choose between parents and it's unfair of you to try to make them.

Why does everyone call everyone a narcissist nowadays. Its ridiculous! He isn’t a narcissist because you had 21 mostly happy years with him.
he cheated - not nice at all and I would be floored.
why on earth are you discussing anything with your children about YOUR emotions. It’s crazy. He cheated on you not them and you should have kept them well out of it. It’s not a competition about who they love the most because it’s both of you. It’s emotional blackmail to say bad things about their father and his current circumstances in order to have them ‘love you more’ what he does and how he lives his life now is none of your business and vice versa.
spend some time with your children focussing on them and their enjoyment then maybe you’ll salvage something.

I have never asked them to choose though and never would.
The use of the word betrayal was reporting back to my ex that I had spoken about to her about my feelings and giving him ammunition to make out I’m manipulating them.

when that wasn’t the case.

Its is manipulation. It’s not right and you shouldn’t have discussed it. I would apologise to both your ex and your daughter.

You've had a lot of really good advice here and it seems almost all of it is along the same lines. It comes across that you are very angry and very defensive and not taking this on board.

You have every right to be hurt at what he did but you should not be involving your children in this or expecting them to choose you or judge him. You need to give your children loving permission to enjoy their relationship with their dad and not feel guilt about this because you're upset. Please listen to the advice you're getting or your children will find it too hard and will distance themselves from you.

She's 17. She isn't equipped to deal with any of this. She'll be floundering. From an adult POV, 'reporting back' to your ex possibly wasn't the wisest move, but to put a label as weighty as 'betrayal' on it isn't appropriate (plus it does very strongly imply that you do see this as some kind of war with two sides and your dd as a double agent).

I know better than I wish I did about dynamics where a child, usually a daughter, is expected to know what her parent requires of her emotionally and punished/regarded as letting the side down for not doing it. I'm afraid I can see shades of this in the way you're talking about your 17yo in particular.

I called him a narcissist because that’s exactly what he is.
he has no feelings or empathy towards myself or the kids when we were together.
he left with a smirk on his face
He was an all round arrogant person he always puts himself first.
his first reaction to me finding him out was - I was in the wrong for checking his phone (after he stayed out all night and messaged me in bed the next morning from the other persons bed)
he was a compulsive liar

there's more to add….

He continues to manipulate me and the kids with his communications and
actions and he knows exactly what will hurt me. Why tell your ex wife after cheating on her, he’s never been so happy and finally met his soulmate.

my daughter was upset as was I about something else happening and we were both discussing what had happened this year and both of our feelings about him living with this new girlfriend (which she didn’t want to do) and obviously that breached into history and why it’s difficult to process these emotions

I find that pretty normal to be honest - I don’t want her to ignore her feelings ever.

I also don’t want her to think that being cheated on is ok or that someone ‘deserves’ to be cheated on is acceptable. I don’t think it provides a great life lesson.

You need to stop focusing on who's taking who side and demanding your children be distraught about the situation like you are. That's how it's coming across to me, that you're upset they won't take sides and be outraged but at the end of the day they don't have to. You think you're being open and transparent with your feelings but it's obviously too much for your kids so you need to acknowledge you're over again sharing and stop forcing them to be upset. The children are looking for stability and worried about losing dad and by forcing them to acknowledge you were wronged and they should be so upset with him is having the opposite effect that you want and they are holding onto him and whatever he's feeding them.

I haven’t said that to her-

hence my post of dealing with feelings of betrayal.

I thought being upset about the destruction of the family would be felt by all of us….I thought the kids would be devastated by the hurt he caused and how he replaced their mother in less than a few months. But they don’t. They love the new setup.

I'm sorry OP, but who's the narcissist here? Your children are not responsible for how you process the current situation. The way you're choosing to offload to them and expecting them to feel and/or react in a certain way is incredibly damaging, both to them as individuals and also to your relationship with them.

FWIW, I've been the child in this situation. My dad left my mum for a woman he'd been having an affair with when I was 18. He just got up and left one day and never came back. The last time I saw him was 17 years ago. Would you have preferred my reaction to your own DC's? Would it have made you feel better if you had been my DMum because I had "taken your side"? Because I'm pretty sure that's not how she saw it. Infact, despite what he did to her, and how hurt she no doubt was, she's never said a single bad word about him in my hearing since the day he left.

To be blunt, I'm grateful to have had a mum like mine and not one like you. You need to think about how you're behaving before you lose your DC for good.

I think @Feelingfree2023 and @duchiebun have some really thoughtful advice and i agree with what they said.

@Devonmum2552 it’s a shit situation, and I am sorry you are going through it. It’s rubbish being betrayed in that way, it’s horrible that your ex-h has showed you such little care and it’s super hard when you have to spend less time with your kids and they are with ex h.

I have been through a similar situation , minus the OW moving in and playing happy families. I am a year on now. It’s been bloody hard and emotionally exhausting. The hardest thing has been to let go of my feelings of hurt and anger towards ex h. They are still bubbling away, I know it will take time. Things that are helping are:

• Focusing on the things I can change and control. It’s important to fully accept you can not do anything about your exH’s behaviour or attitude towards you or what your children do as a result. You can control your reactions though. He’s not going to apologise anytime soon, if ever, his actions are showing you that. It’s extremely hurtful, but there is nothing you can do about it. You need to think of your own self- worth. An apology from someone who behaved this way would not be worth anything, you are lucky to be free from him. You sound strong (even though you may not feel it) and you need to focus on feeling good about yourself and valuing your self-worth. You have survived the toughest time the last 10 months- you are awesome- appreciate this- write it down. Process your thoughts and feelings safely, counseling, journaling, talking to friends. Protect yourself- have his emails go to a separate folder, if he sends you unkind emails, delete them. Boundary your communication with him if you haven’t already.

A friend gave me this book and it really helped me to move on from focusing on his behaviour and things I could not change, to thing I can and have.

• As hard as it is, try to think about your kids spending time with thier dad and being settled with the new set up as a good thing. It is a good thing that thier dad is actively involved and in their lives. His behaviour towards you is separate and is essentially between you and him. Be positive about the time they spend with him so they don’t feel caught in the middle- believe me, I know this is hard, but it makes the transitions between home safe and easy for them and means they don’t feel guilty about spending time away from you- this is really important.

•Kids, even older ones, have no idea about the reality of long term relationships and the devastation of having your life fall apart, especially when someone has cheated. They may understand one day, and will probably ask questions as they get older- follow thier lead with this and don’t impose your personal feelings on them if they haven’t asked. They really don’t need to know much more that “This has been really tough for me, and I feel hurt- but I will get though it and I am working on rebuilding my life.” Don’t criticize your ex to them, they likely know exactly what he is like and will draw thier own conclusions- this will be over time, when they feel safe and secure and when the dust has settled. Be open about your feelings to them but do it without blame, you can say “I am emotionally drained this week”, just leave out the “thanks to your selfish arsehole of a father bit”. It’s good modeling to own it, eg “It’s hard adjusting to this for all of us, but we’re getting there. It’s quite emotional for me but I am learning a lot.” Etc. Model good self care to them. Even if it feels really hard, it is a good excuse to take care of yourself well.

•The kids will likely gravitate back towards thier stable and reliable parent once the Disney dad effect has worn off and the honeymoon period is over in ExH new relationship. Be the stable and solid parent that you are. It sounds like the kids know this otherwise it would be much harder for them to move between the houses without that sense of safety. Have faith in this. Encourage them to go, welcome them back and enjoy your time with them.

•Do things for you when the kids aren’t there (and when they are!) Exercise has helped me, couch to 5k, local gym women’s weight class, walks with friends, yoga- has improved my mental health no end. I knocked wine on the head for 3 months too- that helped a lot. Cinema, Netflix, cooking, pets, dancing, paddle boarding, pub crawl with pals, hiking… find something new, change your routine, add in things to your life that make you feel happy.

•Have you started divorce proceedings? This helped me move on- get the ball rolling. It costs £500ish , but at least it’s a start , best £500 I have spent in a while. Stressful and timely to sort out finances, and mixed emotions, but at least it’s moving forward and it’s empowering to realise you can handle these things with dignity.

There is no quick fox, and it all takes time but you will get there, it will hurt less.

My dad cheated in my mum and her expectation that we should side with her did untold damage. I think it was awful that he cheated but I was not willing to write him off completely which really was what my mum wanted.

I think you need to break down what you want your kids to actually do.

Say out loud that their dad is an awful man?
Say they would never want to live with him because he hurt you so badly?
Automatically chose to live with you just because you're the wounded party?
Say he should not have moved in with gf?
Agree with you that timescales are too quick to be respectful re his new relationship?

None of this is OK with your kids. This is what your friends give you. Don't ask for any of it from your kids. You're wanting them to validate your hurt and you're wanting them to come down on your side of events and blame. Honestly and I mean this kindly, I think you are damaging the relationship with your kids now and I think you can make different choices which will change things for the better. When you see them, don't mention your ex, don't look sour faced when they do, don't talk about how lonely, hurt or sad you are. Enjoy your time with them and have fun. Arrange regular nights with friends where you can rant and rave and get things out of your system but stop asking your kids to choose between their parents.

You should not be discussing your feelings about him living with his new GF with your 17 yesr old. You can listen to her of course without sharing back.

You can be clear that it's not OK in a relationship to cheat without making it personal.

I thought when all this first happened she would never forgive her dad for cheating and causing me hurt and pain. I have spoken to her openly about my feelings

You say you put your kids first in the past. That you're an 'empath'. That he's the narcissist.
Maybe it's the hurt that's derailed you here, but what you've described in your posts isn't putting your kids first or being empathetic to their needs. And it is all about you and your feelings. You say you've had the therapy to express your feelings, but are you letting them have theirs?

It would be awful for a 17 year old to 'never forgive' her father. What he did was horrible to you, but ultimately he's their father, separate from being your ex. You can feel miserable about the situation but still be accepting of your kids and their needs.

Oh op, I have every sympathy for you in this situation, but this question makes me wonder what your family dynamic was like before the cheating happened?

It’s very hard because you obviously feel very alone in this but your children are just that - you should not be dumping your hurt on them - or getting them to choose sides.

Of course a seventeen year old lacks emotional maturity! In fact the tragedy of many divorces is that they happen with labile teens in the house just at the time when they are rejecting parents in order to individuate. And of course it’s hands on boring mum, not fun dad, whom they reject. And in this situation all sorts of loyalties are tested.

And sorry but it’s madness to expect teens to have the same degree of empathy for us as we do for them. Their brains aren’t capable of it!

I am not defending your dh’s actions at all op but I think you need to get support for yourself and maybe look at why all three dc went with your ex. That’s quite unusual I think. Sorry if that sounds harsh but usually there are faults in both side of any marriage.

I also think it’s quite unusual that your ex and his new gf have chosen to blend their families together so quickly. That spells trouble to me. As a pp said, I’d play the long game here. Get support for yourself and work through these issues and just quietly focus on your own life for now and wait for your dc to come back to you which I have no doubt they will. The more you protest, unfair though it seems, the longer this will take. You have to be an emotionally safe place for them op so get yourself some good professional support. Good luck.

Great Post by @Feelingfree2023

OP you've been through so much in such a short space of time.

I completely understand your feelings and would feel exactly as you do.

Don't say anymore to the kids about it. In time I suspect they will come back around to you, and one day, they will likely be horrified at his behavior.

They are too young and mixed up right now. It feels unfair because it IS unfair, however, this set up may not last. Whether it dies or not, she has taken a lying cheating narcissist off of your hands, give it another few years and you'll feel grateful. It's taken me two years to get to that. It's a long painful road but you'll get there. Believe it.

You won't feel like focusing on you right now but that's what you need to do.

Wow, this is good advice. I hope in your situation I could do similar.

Your children dont want to be in an environment where they have to be an emotional crutch to you

You keep going on about the need to share your feelings, how it's healthy to tell people how you feel. Which is true up to a point, but your children are the wrong people to share them with. it's a massive burden to them. You share your emotions with friends or your therapist. Not with your children who have had their world turned upside down too, and their own emotions to deal with.

You're treating your 17 year old as a confidante and that's so unhealthy.

Hurtful as it is, it's not surprising that your children have chosen to remain in an environment where they can relax and be kids. The difference between the two 50%s of the week must have been stark.

I'd be heartbroken too, but you have to drop with the focus on your own feelings and dumping them on your kids. And yes, lose the "I'm an empath" stuff. You're not, because you're not empathising with your kids.

Exactly this. It’s completely and utterly understandable to be in the pain you’re in, and PP here really feel for you, but please do read back over the thread because there’s so much good advice x