Dealing with feelings of betrayal from children

[Devonmum2552]

I have 3 children - 17,11 and 6

my ExH cheated on me xmas eve 2022 - he left smirking, never apologised just walked out. It was a one night stand but we’d been having issues for a while but it still came as a shock. Within a matter of hours, I’d been blocked by the IL’s, the kids were totally
fine with the situation within a day or so weirdly no tears were shed…. Except mine!

the older two just defended him
and said what he had done wasn’t that bad and I just need to move on like he has.

fast forward 3 months and he’s met the love of his life, soulmate (his words not
mine) he introduced his
new gif to the children behind
my back…I found out through my youngest.

another 3 months - they are moving in together - with her two children and my three. So still less than 9 months since cheating everyone except me
seems to have moved on.

the children have formed a close bond with the new gf already , she’s fun, doesn’t work so has all the time in the world to form a bond with my children. ExH paying for meals out holidays, new pets etc.

the children prefer this lifestyle to
living with me, and what’s become clear is that my eldest who I originally thought would be able to understand the situation and see how hurtful them moving on with their new family could be - has chosen to live there and block me out of her life. She’s taken her dads side and defended his choices to live with his gf. He’s done nothing wrong apparently, he’s the good guy in all this.

it hurts a lot and I’m not
sure how to process.

Ive always put her and the other children first. As you naturally do. I thought when
all this first happened she would never forgive her dad for cheating and causing me hurt and pain. I have spoken to her openly about my feelings - how it feels to be seperated from your children not out of choice and for them to be living with a complete stranger and technically being replaced in both their dads and their lives. How this happening so quickly is a lot to handle. Maybe a process that would have taken 2-3 years of moving in with a stepparent etc would be easier to handle.

but she hasn’t understood at all - she had gone back to him with these conversations where by now I am the bad guy sabotaging their new family. He’s emailed to say im
a bully and manipulator for telling my daughter my feelings of hurt from the situation and need to put them first.

he is a classic narcissist who lacks empathy’s and compassion - he can manipulate any situation to his
benefit. When he cheated - I had him, the kids and his family saying I was out of order for checking his messages and catching him out cheating. I had invaded his
privacy…..forgot about the fact that he was actually caught out cheating.

I think he has made the children to become like him, they believe me being upset and hurt by his behaviour is me over reacting and being a psycho….fuelling his fire of that’s why he left and cheated. he had to do that to escape

I just feel overwhelmed by feelings of hurt and rejection now that I so am that worthless they are happy to accept this new family without a thought to how it might impact my relationship with them.

I am an empath so the other extreme, I thought being upset about the destruction of the family would be felt by all of us….I thought the kids would be devastated by the hurt he caused and how he replaced their mother in less than a few
months. But they don’t. They love the new setup.

I’m not sure what this makes me - my children and family were my life,
I always thought I would have them as part of it but the older two are happy to leave to live with their dad full time. The younger one
isstill 50:50 but will no doubt want to leave soon like the older two.

Im not sure how to deal with this situation, I feel rejected by ExH, family, children, mutual friends etc
Everyone is actually happier without
me. What I thought by being a kind, selfless partner and parent has backfired completely.

maybe I should have cheated, shacked up with a random bloke and
moved my kids in after a few months.

I feel anger towards my children for choosing to Support his narcissistic ways. I hate that they are cold hearted towards the whole
situation. and now I am angry at myself for caring so much for people that
couldnt care less about me
or my feelings. Whilst at the same time feeling guilty that they are my children - I feel so upset at having to validate my having feelings.

I guess im just looking for advice on how to
move forward and if anyone has had these feelings of rejection? 😥

I think it’s hard as I had a loss in my childhood and my parents never talked to me about it and hid their sadness and feelings
from me and I from them to protect them from my sadness

having been to therapy over the years I learnt that it is important to share feelings and show emotions, not invalidate them or hide them
my daughter (eldest again) has said to me previously she doesn’t feel like she has processed things and feels numb etc….hence the suggestion of the psychologist who she sees on her own.

i think it is important to let people know how you are feeling, whether that is hurt, sad etc not cover everything else over and pretending life is a holiday. I find that is more damaging than pretending you are fine ….although maybe because I found myself it damaging in my experience?

Yep, kids do this. I was the one keeping everything together, he was a lazy cocklodger purely out for himself, if it wasnt for ME we wouldnt have had a roof over our heads or a vehicle. I had to leave before we starved to death! He was utterly callous about the whole thing, didnt give a shiny shute he was losing his wife and daughter, was relieved he didnt have to deal with DD anymore.

DD didnt get that, preferred daddy, said i was dull and daddy was happier without me, thought i was mean.

As she gets older though she's seeing his true colours. Helpfully he's got a gullible new girlfriend, and who is buying things? Who is organising the fun things they do? She even does the one school run a fortnight he has to do for him. Its too obvious to ignore 😂

I think they will come round but please pull back and get therapy, this must hurt like hell and will eat you up.

That's awful. I'm sorry your ex was such a selfish twat.

As much as you can remember your kids haven't betrayed you. Your ex has. Your kids are navigating a complex situation and being manipulated along the way. Otherwise they wouldn't trivialise cheating. I think most kids get that thats not ok.

Sorry I can't offer other advice. You sound like a good mum and I think one day your kids will realise but you can't force the truth on them unfortunately.

while I think it’s important to show your feelings with children, one needs to do this in a thoughtful and boundaried way. It’s very hard to gauge this when you’re in the midst of something as traumatic as a marriage ending.

honestly, it sounds like you’ve overshared with your daughter and she is taking a step away for reasons expressed by PPs. Your kids are in a fragile situation, wanting to maintain relationships with both of you but much more concerned about the relationship with him, because he’s shown he’s willing to walk away. Make this easier for them by not putting them in the middle. Your dd can’t have emotional maturity for a situation she’s literally in the middle of and you are being unfair to expect this of her.

Sending you a hug. You must be heart broken. The kids are obviously more secure with you, it sounds like they are clinging onto their dad. He won’t see it this way, he will think it’s a game he has won.

I think you should stop going to counselling with your daughter, or if you do continue to go don’t talk about your feelings. Unfortunately it sounds like she is using the information to point score with her dad.

When it comes to situations like this you need to put up a boundary and not talk about how hurt you are with your kids. Don’t put them in the middle. Let them have a relationship with you, and a relationship with their dad that are completely separate. I think you should ask them not to talk about their dad with you, as that’s in your past and you aren’t interested.

If your older kids want to live with their dad let them. Make sure they know how loved they are, and enjoy having fun with them.

The most important thing you can do is heal yourself. And accept the situation. Think about what you want out of life and do something for yourself.

Oh OP, you are obviously in so much distress.

Mine instantly accepted a very fancy Christmas trip and only as an afterthought said ‘Oh, I feel bad for you being alone on Christmas Day’.

Them having a good relationship with their father is not a disloyalty to you, and having seen my own kids being put in the position of being made a party to one parent’s upset at the other and feeling torn, they always flee from the emotionally demanding person.

My thought was not to make the kids responsible for my emotions. What you see as transparency with your oldest child was being manipulative- it was creating an expectation that she would modify her behaviour to make you happy, but without actually coming out and saying it.
From what you have described I do think you are asking the kids to be responsible for your emotions, and are putting them in a place where they have to mediate conflict.

They will grow out of it but you have your role in this too.

I’m going to be tough here. You need to stop with the “I am an empath” crap. There is no such thing. It makes you sound needy and immature. Look long and hard at whether there is validity in your kid’s decision-making here. Your ex did not just storm out to cheat on you like that. It sounds like the environment in your home was rough to begin with. You need to stop expecting “fair” and look at what you CAN do to improve your relationships with your kids.

That’s the thing - I am getting therapy and to me and those close to me say I’m coping well with everything that’s happened in the last 9 months. Even the therapist thinks I am talking sense and making progress and moving on with my life.
I don’t pine after my ex or want him back, I see I am better off without him - invalidating my feelings or gaslighting me. I have friends and a social life etc.

I don’t want a relationship in the mental state I am in at the moment as my self
worth is rock bottom
and I would like to go into a relationship feeling strong and happy.

Im upset that my kids don’t see this I guess or respect that I am doing ok and processing things as normal human being would - not like the ex who the day after cheating told me to move on and I didn’t need to know anything about his life from that day forward.
He walked out of the house and never looked back.

everyone seems to think I am a nice, kind mum who has built a nice stable home and family environment since ExH left, everyone thinks that….except for my own children. (The youngest one is not included in this - he adores us both) but the girls have just sided with the ex and now wanting to live with him FT. I just don’t get it.

I hate it that they think like him. Selfish and matter of fact.
I hate it that they don’t have feelings or emotions and prefer to gloss over everything like him.

I just think everyone see this as a normal marriage ending and maybe it would be - but this is all in 9 months…actually just under. I think I could deal with this after a year or so of splitting up, but it’s literally months since of being a family unit day before Xmas to watching someone random woman plan my sons birthday party in October. My kids preferring to spend time with the new girlfriend etc.

I guess it just hurts that I have found this whole year a whirlwind of chaos and struggle whilst my ex and my kids are having the time of their lives!

What a crazy comment, things were rough at home so it’s ok to cheat after 20 years?

If things are rough at home, you make your plans, discuss with the OH and leave - you don’t emotionally abuse someone and treat them like crap before cheating on them.
That does not make a good person or a good way to depart your relationship

as for needy and immature - ok Im
not an ‘empath’ I just have feelings and put other peoples feelings and happiness before mine.

I’m not saying it’s easy in any shape or form but you need to protect your children from your hurt. It’s yours, not theirs

This

I'm sorry OP but you asked for opinions. If you really put your children first, you would be delighted that they have been able to take this new situation in their stride though I know that that is asking rather a lot of you.

You are obviously in a lot of pain at the moment, but you have to find a way of dealing with that pain that will lead you to making your own new life.

I am happy that they aren’t unhappy of course, I wouldn’t want them to be miserable.

I believe I have brought my children up to be sensible kind happy young people and provided them with love and support (with ex as well of course whilst as a family unit)
and I thought I had provided that security and support to them since the seperation but apparently I haven’t.

I just can’t see how you can go through a family breaking up with no-one acknowledging emotions or
feelings.

I thought talking to them openly was a good way to go. :(

Im not hurt by what happened though with ex, I am hurt by my daughters preferring life with someone who I see as hurting me and our family.

They don't understand but i'm pretty sure in time they will. They probably also fear rejection & abandonment from him so subconsciously are playing nice.

You chose this person to have children with it is not the children's fault , they have every right to their own feelings and opinions so do not put this onto them

get a life @WandaWonder

The truth will out eventually OP it ALWAYS does.

yep, one of friends parents had an awful relationship & the dad was horrible. The mum died young & I never understand why my friend wasn't more angry with her father for the way he treated her mother before & when she was dying. Becoming an adult I realised my friend just didn't have anyone else & a shit parent was better then no parents. She hardly has anything to do with him now.

Your children dont want to be in an environment where they have to be an wmotional crutch to you and above all dont want to hear their father being slagged off.
It is all kinds of wrong to try and turn them against their dad.

And your dc may blame you because they know they can project their feelings onto you & you won't abandon them.

I haven’t slagged him off though and haven’t tried to turn them against him?

Your children having a good relationship with both parents should be the priority here.

However hard it is (and it sounds like you've had a very rough time), you need to stop expecting loyalty from your children. They are entitled to a relationship with their father without feeling guilty or put in a bind by their mother. It sounds like they already do feel like this and hence are pulling away from you.

I also don't think you should share your feelings with them. Your children should never been your emotional crutch, nor should they be pulled into/made aware of problems within your marriage, such as infidelity. It puts them into a position where they have to choose sides and there will always be a looser.

I'm not saying you haven't had an awful time; it sounds terrible. You need to find some emotional support in friends, relatives, therapy and try, as hard as it might be, to support your children and their relationship with their father.

I hate it that they don’t have feelings or emotions and prefer to gloss over everything like him

But they do have feelings and emotions. They just don't reflect yours. You also say he emotionally abused you for years. It's very possible that they're happy to be in an environment with their dad who's now seeing far happier than he ever was and wish that you were happier too. It must be very confusing to children when their parents were miserable together and then still miserable apart.

I haven’t slagged him off though or turned them against him. I’ve been 50/50 from the start.
they knew from day 1 he cheated and the eldest knew he was a manipulating person as she was the one who noticed him gaslighting in the past and told
me at time

With respect you haven't put your children first.
Dumping on them about what their dad did and how you're feeling, is wrong.
My mum did similar to me and I ended up feeling emotionally responsi6for her and I felt she was fragile. Totally changed the dynamic.
As shit as it is for you, your kids do not want to, not should they listen to your distress. They didn't have any part in this and yet you've dragged them in.
I would sit down and apologise to them.

Well said Duchiebun.

Devonmum, there is no shame in acknowledging your pain from what your husband did. You need good friends who you can get rid of it all with, but your children can't and if you try to make them it will damage your future relationship with them.

Could you perhaps say to them, either individually or together, that you haven't been feeling well with the marriage ending et cetera and that you are going to focus on getting stronger? Then, fake it for a while and it will eventually become natural. Try anything, YouTube is full of comedy sections with funny stories and jokes, then at least you can emit something positive.

Be very guardedly honest and then work on it. Many of us are rooting for you and have come through it ourselves.....you can do it too.

Speaking of doing things for children, I need to make breakfast 😊. Have a wonderful day and try to do five things that make you feel better. PM me them later if you like! Take good care today 😊

You need to stop talking to your kids about why you broke up, how it made you feel, how you now feel, how the kids should feel, what you what then the to do etc.

It’s none of their business, honestly. He was a shitty husband, but they perceive him to be a good dad, and that’s fine. They are separate roles.

You need to focus on yourself and them and building a new life now that you and exH are no longer living together.

My parents separated when I was 10 in similar circumstances and I loved the drama free time with my dad. As an adult I know what my dad did was wrong but he didn’t wrong me, and no-one is perfect. Dad-wise, he was good. All I want is not to be in the middle.

I've been in your children's position and you are both manipulating them. Him into thinking he's amazing and you are trying to get them to take sides.

It proper messed with my head when I was a teenager and I spent my whole teenage years in therapy where I realised that my father had left my mother not me.

I think you both need to put them first and not point score, it's completely unacceptable to expect them to side with you and like it or not that's what you are expecting them to do.

I'm sorry if my post seems harsh but I've told many people exactly the same thing because whenever there's an affair or cheating both parties expect everyone to take sides.