How to not feel bitter

[FeelSoDown]

Has anyone got any advice on how to not feel bitter about your ex? Been split with ex for years now, due to his living situation he never has the children overnight and hasn’t since we split, I’ve never had a night to myself not one in 6 years. I can’t date or meet anyone new as with the children 24/7, it’s affected friendships and now I have zero social life, I don’t have family I am completely on my own. Meanwhile my exes life is completely the same as it was before children and unaffected, he has lots of friends, is out most nights socialising, can date if he wants, if he met a new woman he could have other kids and raise them whilst not bothering with ours meanwhile I’m expected to feel like the one that’s “won” in this situation. I feel lonely angry and bitter, I can’t see how I’m the one that’s apparently won. I’m exhausted and haggard I feel old beyond my years. I’m miserable and have no life.

Yes I have my children but I feel like I’ve sacrificed a lot to raise them and have ruined my life and wasted the best Years of my life. Ex has expressed he still has feelings for me and I seriously feel like going back there but because of how miserable I am and at least he would be here as well not off living his best life without a care in the world. I can’t face another birthday in 2 weeks alone with no one just my kids which feels sad anyway as I spend my birthdays sat in Pizza Hut feeling like a loner.

Sorry you feel this way

why can’t you have a night out?

get a baby sitter, use friends, parents of your children’s friends etc

do your children do any clubs/sports? Can you make friends/talk to parents there?

I think you need to focus on things you can do /change/own rather than just focussing on your ex tbh

start small. Invite someone over for a cuppa

Are your children younger?

Is there a particular reason you are so focused on comparing your life to your exes?

I haven't celebrated a birthday since I was 17 or 18 so I struggle to see that idea being a let down. Had my first child at 19. I have 4. I had one every year for 4 years so they are close in age. I also don't have friends or a social life but I am fine with it. I guess If you are social I could see why these things could be difficult.

Redirecting your focus could be beneficial. Is there anything you want to improve in your life or your person? Anything you would like to change in your home dynamic ? Are your children involved in activities. You could build friendships with other parents at those activities. Adults tend to meet through shared interests.

Sounds like you are the consistent parent that shows up in your kiddos lives, not him so don't waste it being bitter and comparing your life to his. Be present in the moment with your babies. It can be tough being the full time parent but at the end of the day if you are able to reflect and be happy knowing you showed up as the parent you want to be, that in itself is fulfilling a definitely a win! It can make the other things seem trivial. As we get older we focus more on our families rather than time with friends and who's doing what. I don't know how old you are but you may find that when trying to make friends that's not what people are really focused on. If you make some friends along the way, great but I think having that be a focus is only going to hinder you.

By the way, we found babysitters through the kids nursery and after school clubs.
It's more likely you'll feel less bitter when you can feel there's a bit of you-time.
Later on, in a few years, you'll consider that you were the lucky one.
X

I will never be the lucky one. He can have more kids if he wants them, he’s got plenty of Years for that. I’ve missed the best years of my life. When my children have grown up I will be old and have no one.

You will have your children! God willing of course.

We give our children to this world every day! It is our job to make sure they are equipped to handle it. In your later years do you want to reflect and KNOW you raised children that are able to handle this world or do you want to reflect and WONDER if they will be able to handle this world. If you reflect and only wonder/hope I don't think you would be very pleased. Build close relationships with your children, those are the people that will most likely be with you to the end!

They will be adults and have their own life. I rarely see my mother.

You can start to shoehorn a bit of life that’s just for you into your very busy schedule but it will take work and planning. I do agree that we need to build a life for when our children leave home otherwise we can risk becoming dependent on them for emotional support which just isn’t fair. So see it as an investment for them as well as you. A baby sitter is a good place to start, hobby / exercise class/ quick drink with a friend - even stepping into online dating if you fancy it. Agree with pp that comparing with exes easier life won’t end well, let him get on with that and build your own. It’s not fair but it is how it is. First step - find someone who will have the children for an hour or 2 and build it in to your budget as essential not a luxury.

Stop blaming your ex and take charge of your own life and destiny

the only thing that is preventing you from having a fulfilling life with friends and j retests is you - and if you hold onto the bitterness and resentful ness and don’t let go of it then you are to blame for that

making Change is hard
being a single parent is hard
but you are holding yourself back, no one else is

Really, and where do I put my kids whilst I have this fulfilling life. I can’t afford sitters, I get no a single penny in maintenance, I can’t afford to pay people to look after them.

I cannot online date, I cannot afford anyone to look after my children. I barely scrape by as it is.

What helped me to stop feeling bitter was to asume he was dead. Once he was “dead” in my mind there was far less resentment: he doesn’t see his kid? He is dead, he doesn’t pull his weight? Of course, he is “dead”. Both DS (in his own way) and I assume he was gone kind of forever we stopped caring so much.

Even having some care of DS I managed to have a social life, friends around and even rebuilding my life (note: I often fell as you do, I have zero family around and my friends come and go as they normally are based here in a temporary basis), so the feeling of loneliness will come and go but it will get easier with time). The trick was to:

1. See yourself and kids as a team. You do your part, they do theirs as well by sticking to the bedroom routine, cleaning their own room and helping in the house (responsabilities increasing with age, obviously)

2. Take turns with your children to do things you like. We used to split the weekend in three: one day for DS to do what he wanted, one for me and one for the two of us doing something together with other people. So, if he wanted to spend one day in the park, park it was and no complaints from me, if the next day I wanted to spend the day at an art museum, it was my turn and no complains allowed. The day with other people was great, normally spent with other single parent and their children so we adults had a nice talk over coffee while our children played together.

3. Babysitting came in different form: sacred sleep time routine (I could have friends around for dinner after his bedtime) , then it was through clubs and afterschool activities, sleepovers with their friends (I had to reciprocate with many at mine), cadets were great, 2.5 hours free in the evening twice a week and plenty of weekends away. Eventually, when he was older and sleeping late on weekends, I started meeting people for brunch on weekends.

Obviously, you will be still a single mum and struggling at some point but once you have some breaks for me time you will see, clearly, that even raising the kids on your very own, is much better than raising them on your down with their father tripping you down constantly.

Why is his living situation unsuitable for having the children overnight?

It seems as you view your children as being a hindrance to your life. Your children are your life now. As parents we sacrifice things FOR our children. If them sleeping is the only alone time you get then so be it, to the point of describing your views of your situation as you have is quite sad. You said your children have affected friendships? In what way? If they were any friend your children wouldn't be a problem. If you are making your children an issue to have friends then idk what to say. Your priorities seems a bit off. I can't imagine the way your children feel by what you have described.

By affecting friendships I don’t mean directly I mean my friends are party animals and don’t have small children or the ones that do the father is involved so weekends are free to do as they please, so they are out all weekend or going on holiday which I can’t do I can’t have nights out so it’s affected that and I barely hear from them, they would come up before a night out but they makes me feel worse as they are all dressed up for the night and I can see I’m missing out on things, or they invite me out to dinner and I can come but it means taking the kids which is awkward and I’m the only one sat there with a load of kids and these are fancy restaurants so I just feel out of place to think point I would rather not go. I did have a social life I was partying every weekend or going on girls holidays this has continued only I am no longer part of it and they haven’t stopped why would they? I guess other single mums like sitting in knitting every night on their own. Yes I do feel like I have ruined my life.

Hi op I also feel bitter that my ex can go out and have a social life (he left me just before our baby was born).
A few questions-

1. Why no maintenance? If he has a job and lives in the Uk you can apply via CMA and they'll take it from him.
2. You say you can't afford a sitter but you could go on these nights out if you had one- if you can afford dinner and drinks you can afford an occasional sitter surely? You could save up a few pounds a week and get a sitter every couple of months?
3. Can you ask the child's dad to baby sit and do bedtime etc once a month at least at your house? He might be willing and kids would be safe and happy at home

How many kids do you have and how old are they? Have you tried the CMS to get maintenance?

It sounds like you need new friends at the same stage of life as you are. Would that help? Do you work? Where do you see people?

He won’t have them that’s out of the question and he doesn’t work so that’s why no maintenance. I’ve looked into babysitters and they want £20 an hour with a minimum of 3/4 hours booking so that’s £60/80 on top of a night out, maybe others could afford or justify that but I can’t and don’t think that means I can’t afford a night out then it’s an additional £60+ on top of a night out.

I’ve never made “mum friends” at the school gates so that’s something that’s not going to happen now I’m not in with the other mums.

£20 an hour is wild!! I would think £12 is more reasonable have you tried bubble app?

But I guess if you could afford a night out once a month with no babysitter then that's a night out once every two months with a babysitter?

Op I think you seem very despressed and hopeless
And stuck, which is understandable. Can you talk to gp about therapy?

This was on childcare . Co. U.K. I’ve just looked again and I can’t find one for £18 but she wants a minimum booking of 4 hours so that’s £70 for a night out before you’ve even left the door. I wouldn’t even bother unless you have friends or family that are willing to have your children then your life is over really.

@anareen

Oh don't chastise her. Being a mother doesn't mean you have to pretend to be 100% blessed every second of the day.

She's on here sharing her honest feelings so we can offer advice oh how to improve her situation - not tell her she's wrong for feeling the way she does.

@FeelSoDown

1. Screw the ex (not literally you've done that enough) but put him out of your mind. You're feeling a little jealous and that's fine, once your life is more positive it'll go away.

1. Download an app or two to meet other parents - local Facebook groups etc. In the long run you'll be able to make friends and get better networked - find out about events etc.

1. It's true that dating may need to take a bit of a back burner but you could do online dating etc in the evenings just to keep your mind a bit occupied

Things do improve with time - when I was younger I had thoughts like "wasted best years of my life bla bla bla" - interestingly that went away as I got older 🤣

My last booking on Sitters.co.uk quoted £10.60 an hour for a Sat night (was from 5pm to 11pm) in London. There’s a quarterly fee on top (about £15 I think). Maybe we’ve been lucky, but we’ve used them for years and have always had very good sitters we’ve been comfortable with.

Take your kids to a vibrant church with lovely music and kind people. Shop around until you find one that suits. Enjoy meeting new folk at something that might seem fuddy duddy but can be quite fun and it's free and supportive.

Talk to your Dr about if you are depressed.
Think of living with another woman like you - sharing babysitting once per week and using each other for support that your ex should be providing.

Go out for picnics and BBQs with your brothers and cousins and make it clear to them that they could bring single friends along whenever they wish.