How to not feel bitter

[FeelSoDown]

Has anyone got any advice on how to not feel bitter about your ex? Been split with ex for years now, due to his living situation he never has the children overnight and hasn’t since we split, I’ve never had a night to myself not one in 6 years. I can’t date or meet anyone new as with the children 24/7, it’s affected friendships and now I have zero social life, I don’t have family I am completely on my own. Meanwhile my exes life is completely the same as it was before children and unaffected, he has lots of friends, is out most nights socialising, can date if he wants, if he met a new woman he could have other kids and raise them whilst not bothering with ours meanwhile I’m expected to feel like the one that’s “won” in this situation. I feel lonely angry and bitter, I can’t see how I’m the one that’s apparently won. I’m exhausted and haggard I feel old beyond my years. I’m miserable and have no life.

Yes I have my children but I feel like I’ve sacrificed a lot to raise them and have ruined my life and wasted the best Years of my life. Ex has expressed he still has feelings for me and I seriously feel like going back there but because of how miserable I am and at least he would be here as well not off living his best life without a care in the world. I can’t face another birthday in 2 weeks alone with no one just my kids which feels sad anyway as I spend my birthdays sat in Pizza Hut feeling like a loner.

Wtf at those rates??

Loca nursery nurses from nurery or friendw of friends kids/ relatives/ other mums are £10-11 ph in N London

I inagine only non1English use that site 1 most people use word o mouth

Ask on your kids whatsapp groups/ playgroups/ nursery school workers and friends anyone u know very locally

Round here easy to get to people even for only 2hr (eg u cud have a cheap wetherspooj ngt out, £20 and pay babysitter £22 830-1030?

Dont give up... just verbalise your wants

Been there and did it alone just focused on me and kids till kids were early teens then met someone unexpectedly and now we are married and I'm happy as anything with 3 more children. Stick at it

I know babysitting isn't exactly the point of your post but I have found people on sitters.co.uk for £10/ hr in south England who are happy to do just 2 hours

Your ex is a waste of space. But you know you have exactly the same options as he does. You can be an equal waste of space and walk away from your DC, contact social services and put them into care.

Now if that thought of that fills you with horror the. You know straight off that you are worth way, way, way more than your useless ex.

So recognise that he is an arsehole, feel sad for yourself that chose this waste of space to father your DC, and then put your big girl pants on and deal with it.

Focus on making mum friends. Go out together with them. The hell hole that is soft play is far more tolerable if you are with other mums. Also, once your Dc are old enough to ah e sleep overs if you have a good friendship with the mum's you might be able to arrange sleep overs for all of them in the same night.

Do what you can to get your earning capacity up. Find out if you are entitled to any additional funding to do some courses.

Get online and join some online groups for an evening. If you can chat to someone you will feel less lonely.

You are NOT the only one in this position. But you have to accept that you have a different life now.

I see you still feel a bit burned by your last failed attempt to correct me. I guess being generic rather than specific in your insults makes another come back unlikely.

I think if you checkout the cab site, it's you who is wrong

No I wouldn’t give my kids up and put them into care and NO we don’t have the same choices because he isn’t giving his kids up to go into care he is giving them up KNOWING that their other parent will be left to raise them. If I could give my kids up to the father knowing they will be raised by him and I could dip in whenever I fancied, have a life, do as I please then see my kids when I can be bothered then that is a comparable situation, putting them into care is very very different, and I would never put my kids into care. If you give your kids up you don’t get to see them again until they are adults and you have no PR, that’s not the case for my ex he knows he can see them when he wants and he still has PR even though he doesn’t bother with them but that in itself means he can pop back in every 6 months when he fancies it and be a fun uncle to them whilst I do all the hard work, and people tell me he has a right to do this?! totally not the same situation at all.

My ex knows even if he doesn’t see them that I will bring them up, I don’t resent my kids I resent my ex. My kids don’t know how I feel but if I had my time again no I wouldn’t have had them. I’ve already sacrificed my life for them, if I wanted to I could go out and leave them with random people or bring men here but I wouldn’t do that hence that I’ve been single and lonely for years, so yes I do put my kids first and accepted my life is over. I could meet a man and move him in like some of the stories I read about but as I will never do that I will stay lonely and miserable until they’ve grown up, If my ex was a decent person I wouldn’t feel this way and I wouldn’t be so angry, I thought the anger would go as they got older but if anything it’s worse. Anyway I won’t be posting again as it hasn’t helped, the judgement has made me feel worse.

@MeMySonAnd1

"Kicking people who are down"
"Spitting so much hate and judgement "
"Real person who is upset in this thread and who needs support"

Are you kidding me!? OP is choosing to not find solutions. OP is choosing to view their reality as a BURDEN AND WASTE OF THEIR LIFE as clearly stated by OP many times. There is no reason to support OP when OP can't even address all the questions related to their situation that THEY posted on seeking "advice" for. There is no support that needs to be extended when someone comes to post looking FOR ADVICE and then REJECTS/ MAKES EXCUSES FOR EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF ADVICE given because it doesn't result in the reality THEY WANT!

OP has given many excuses to alternative suggestions for breaks from DC since it is apparent that father is not a feasible option ATM. Daycare is too expensive, doesn't like doing mom/children activities, doesn't feel they connect with other parents, friends won't babysit etc etc so sounds like OP is "stuck" being with DC all the time?

With that being the case it would be in OP best interest to shift negative perspective on having children all the time to positive IN MY OPINION. If you want to say my that my opinion on OP priorities not being straight is hate and judgement than go ahead. OP is concerned with being able to party and is comparing her life to fathers saying he is "living his best life" by not being involved with DC rather than accepting her life/ role as the sole parent (as stated by OP many times). There are many other parents in the same situation that mourn their previous life I am sure but accept that they are the present PARENT. They don't put blame/responsibility on the other parent for making them a parent themselves. That can only result in the situation being at the expense of the children, in MY OPINION.

Even if OP got some breaks outside of it being with the father I struggle to see that sufficing the bitterness towards father.

Perhaps a shift in perspective on being a PARENT would be beneficial as well. OP has suggested that their life would only be fulfilling when/if they are doing things with friends and not their children. OP has said they only feel they "have a life" if father were to have time with DC so she can have time without. OP has stated their life is over because of DC. OP has stated that they have wasted their 20's due to DC and OP sees how much of a mistake that was.

IN MY OPINION allowing the fathers lack of involvement to influence OP's view on their SITUATION as a MOTHER is not conducive to someone looking to not be "bitter". The two are separate issues. Accepting the facts of the fathers non involvement and accepting that OP is only able to be responsible for her own actions as a parent going forward doesn't seem to be a favored concept. Failing to acknowledge that is going to hinder growth going forward. That bitterness has spilled into how she views/ feels about DC IN MY OPINION. Also, IN MY OPINION there are many different issues here that correlate with the "bitterness" towards father.

Initially, I kindly offered alternatives/different points of view, just like many others.

No matter the angle, it is met with rejection by OP.

Comments from OP about her situation seem to be redundant starting a long time ago.

With that bit of information I cannot, in good faith, assume OP is seeking advice or "needs support".

I think if you read the cab site all the way to the bottom, you'll spot some of the details you've missed. You're then welcome to read more widely (because the cab site only gives a high level overview).

Unless the OP's ex has been a HA tenant for a very, very long time the chances are that he has an assured shorthold tenancy and there's also a reasonable chance he has a private landlord. For assured shorthold tenancies, it will depend what is in the tenancy agreement. Most tenancy agreements would not allow sub-letting or the taking in of lodgers nowadays.

But by all means just carry on reading the first paragraph of a website and assuming you know best.

@FSTraining I read all the way to the bottom and some of the associated links, but obviously my little old brain is not as intelligent as yours because I saw nothing that said categorically that lodgers would not be allowed.

@FeelSoDown look into scouting if you want a break as I already said

You can be perfectly happy on your own. I know it's a cliche but you need to start counting your blessings i.e. you are the lucky one because you live in a first world country with no danger of famine, little danger of war and hopefully you are in reasonably good health etc. etc. etc. It's patronising and annoying I know, but it's true! You are never going to be happy, with or without someone, if you keep banging on about how crappy everything is, and how your partner has it better etc. He doesn't have a family - that's a bit crap for him you could argue - whereas you have a family

Oh FFS, your life isn't OVER! It's just a different life!

Well, you probably read it looking to confirm a thought rather than with an open mind.

I'm done now, bye.

You are either clinically depressed

or

self obsessed, wo is me and obsessed with your dick head ex.

Good luck either way x

I think you have posted about your ex before ? Him renting out rooms is familiar ?
You are going to get the exact same advice you have had before .
My DC’s father never had our DC overnight . In fact he buggered off abroad . I relied on friends to help .

I remember struggling with this @FeelSoDown
It's an injustice!! There's bound to be a lot of emotions to work through. Don't be hard on yrslf labelling it bitterness. Although, I did too.

Life really ebbs and flows and in the few years after I left my abusive x he was as free as a bird, a high earnerbut financially and emotionally abusive through the courts, I never had a night off either, or even a day off. It was 6 years before he took the kids for the odd day.

Now though, I feel no more inclination to compare his life with mine than I would feel to compare my life to a total stranger's.

But it takes time. Don't berate yrslf for not feeling upbeat. It's a really tough gig. It's now 17 years since I left my x and I have freedom now. Don't worry about trying to meet somebody, that was another way I put pressure on myself.

I hope you feel better soon. It really is a very difficult thing to fully accept imo.

Just because women are left holding the baby 9 times out of 10 doesn't make it easy or no biggie.

@FeelSoDown i can relate to how you feel about being left with all of the responsibilities of your life together and looking after your children alone with nobody to tag in for a break. You’ve every right to be bitter about it, you never had your children alone. In my situation my ex left, abandoned his children, was away living his best life and now is engaged…after all of that wants to come back in to the children’s lives, who are now rejecting him. Looking back now, so much better when he refused to be involved - no I’m punished if the children don’t obey him. Anyway, my point …I regret hassling him to see his children because it was a waste of my time and energy. Pissed me off more really and added to my resentment of his life of freedom. The parental rights annoys me too, has the rights but is prepared to take on none of the responsibility because he knows I will do right by our children. Also when I think about it he never actually did anything for the children when he was here - your ex sounds to be a waste of space too - I imagine this lack of parenting might be the same with your ex?! You need to accept this is your life now, make peace with it, things will not always be this way. He is not a good Dad because he could and should come and take them out for the day at least.

Without childcare the partying you long for at the weekend is gone. Although not the same, invite your friends round before they go out. It’s also quite strange your friends know your situation but aren’t willing to offer any help/give up a bit of their time. You’d benefit to meet single mum friends, attempt to chat to some of the mums at the school - you could be surprised who you meet. The people who helped me the most were a couple of the school mums. I’ve made friendships for life there and lost some longterm friendships during this time as well.

Can you contact the health visitor in your area to see if there is anything like homestart? Give you some hours to yourself…if I remember correctly you have one child not yet in school and other children who are?

The socialising you do will have to take a different form than nights out at this time. I’ve friend who had children in their early 20s - all their children are grown up now and they are still young and out partying!!