How to not feel bitter

[FeelSoDown]

Has anyone got any advice on how to not feel bitter about your ex? Been split with ex for years now, due to his living situation he never has the children overnight and hasn’t since we split, I’ve never had a night to myself not one in 6 years. I can’t date or meet anyone new as with the children 24/7, it’s affected friendships and now I have zero social life, I don’t have family I am completely on my own. Meanwhile my exes life is completely the same as it was before children and unaffected, he has lots of friends, is out most nights socialising, can date if he wants, if he met a new woman he could have other kids and raise them whilst not bothering with ours meanwhile I’m expected to feel like the one that’s “won” in this situation. I feel lonely angry and bitter, I can’t see how I’m the one that’s apparently won. I’m exhausted and haggard I feel old beyond my years. I’m miserable and have no life.

Yes I have my children but I feel like I’ve sacrificed a lot to raise them and have ruined my life and wasted the best Years of my life. Ex has expressed he still has feelings for me and I seriously feel like going back there but because of how miserable I am and at least he would be here as well not off living his best life without a care in the world. I can’t face another birthday in 2 weeks alone with no one just my kids which feels sad anyway as I spend my birthdays sat in Pizza Hut feeling like a loner.

Motherhood doesn't mean you have to sit alone and knit. Motherhood is a different stage of life and you connect with others that are in that same stage. Such as through mommy groups, park, your children's activities etc. You are going to have trouble if you continue to focus your energy on how your life isn't the same and you can't party. Being a mother means having your focus on your children's point of view and fulfilling that.

If you would like to continue to party and do the same things that people without children do you can contact the courts to voluntarily surrender your parental rights.

I can prove the prices near me if people think I’m lying, I was horrified as well at £20 an hour didn’t think they charge that much.

How old are your kids op? You sound quite young. I don’t think you have wasted your life going out partying all the time sounds more like a waste to me. I think you need better friends. Other mums with kids and do things like go to the park on the weekends or to a kid friendly place. Socialise with your kids.

Why do I need to do that I could still have a life if my ex was involved like every other single mum I know that get regularly breaks from their children but tell me I’m the lucky one because I don’t have to share my children yet I’m the one with zero life, can’t even start again and meet someone new. The mums I talk to clearly like sitting in every night on their own with no social life.

But do you enjoy those things then? Do you enjoy spending your Saturdays in soft play or at the park? This is why I don’t relate to other mums as I don’t enjoy those things I do them for my kids but they bore the life out of me I would rather have a night out with friends.

@FeelSoDown

That isn't your situation so why continue to focus your energy on it. Your situation is what it is so that is your life and you live it.

Seriously, is this a troll post. This is ridiculous.

Professional babysitters aren’t cheap and I don’t know anyone that uses one. It’s family or friends and they don’t pay for it.

A troll post because I hate how my life has ended up? Really? I’m suppose to be happy being a single mum to an ex that wants nothing to do with the children and won’t care for them to the point I have to raise them alone and I’m suppose to not feel depressed having no life or nothing going for me?

@FeelSoDown

trust me theirs plenty of people in the same boat as us not everyone is happy families and out partying every weekends especially when they have kids.

please see your GP .

Did you have your kids young? I do enjoy going out and spending time with my kids and hanging out with other mums at the park, especially when I kids were little. I prob wouldn’t have if I had my kids when I was a teenager when I was still into going out partying but when I had kids mid 20s I was over going out partying on the weekends.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this but there are a lot of good suggestions on here but you're being very negative.

Forget your ex, he's irrelevant.

Why haven't you gone to the CSA if he doesn't provide for his children financially?

Start small, change your mindset to 'I can' rather than 'I can't'

Put a bit of lippy on and wear something nice next time you're out with the kids. This will make you feel instantly better and more confident. Keep your eyes and mind open to meeting someone whilst out with the kids, even if it's a female friend. They are likely going to be more on your wavelength and not focus their spare time on nights out and fancy restaurants.

You are where you are, you've done your partying and girls holidays.

Yes I had my kids at 22 so whilst I done these things I was a mum from 22 so I gave up the majority of my 20s and now I see how much of a massive mistake it was. My ex doesn’t work I can’t get maintenance from someone that doesn’t work.

I've just read more of these posts. You are SO negative.

You chose to have kids with a waste of space. The kids didn't choose this, you did.

You need to be the mum they need and unfortunately if you don't get a night out then that's the way it has to be, tough!

@FeelSoDown

Your focus needs to SHIFT from being with someone. Or meeting someone. Your FOCUS needs to be your children. Not how they are an inconvenience to your life. YOU are the parent they have. NOT your ex NOT some person you will meet. It would behoove you to grow up and put your children first. If you don't want that responsibility there are other options.

Do you work? That would be a way to improve your situation. Meeting people and more money to go out

I didn’t realise I had my children alone 🙄

I had my kids at 22 too and split with my partner not long after.
He did however have the children regularly and due to my age, I continued to go out and party, girls holidays etc and boy do I regret it.
If I could go back, hands down, I would have spent more quality time with my kids. I regret it now they are older teens.
Now at 38 I'm with a wonderful man (after years of loser men met on nights out!) who I met at work. We are married and are trying for a baby.
Your life isn't over OP, focus on your children and the rest will follow. Don't give your ex a second though, he's useless. Do this yourself and feel bloody good about it x

Oh bless you. I completely understand. I was in a similar situation. I hated being a mother because I felt trapped. I had no childcare either and 100% care of the children. Oh and I was so broke I had bailiffs at the door.
Now my children are young adults. I'm 'only' 50. I went to university at 45, got my first professional job at 49. My life is light years away from where it was.
It didn't change overnight. Small steps. I did a few small classes for fun, then a widening access course. It's far too long a story to tell you how I arrived where I am today but I promise you it won't always be so shit.

Sometimes one parent gets the short end of the stick during a divorce in terms of housing (e.g. the capital gets tied up in a Mesher Order or they get stuck on the mortgage and cannot get their own suitable accommodation). This is especially problematic where the person getting the short end of the stick is the lower earner and cannot even afford to rent something decent, which seems to be the case with your ex @FeelSoDown

Unfortunately, that does mean that the children will have to spend all of their overnights with you. It's the trade off you made to be adequately housed when your ex is not.

And that’s what I feel such regret over and wish I could turn back time. I am being their mum I’ve sacrificed my life for them but that doesn’t mean I am happy about it. I spend every day living with regret.

I would not feel anger regret and bitterness if my ex would take the children sometimes so I could have a life away from being a mother. Unless you are in that situation then you have no idea how it feels. Mums that get regular breaks from their kids have no idea how it feels. It’s a completely different situation.

Do your kids go to school?

OP, you have every right to feel 'bitter' (hate that word as it's only used against women, righteous anger is more apt?) that the other parent who has an equal responsibility to look after and provide for his kids is not doing so and it is still socially acceptable for him to do so. Especially given the responses on here!

As he has obviously not got the ability to provide a home for his DC, is there anyway he can come to your house and look after then while you go out/after school/school holidays? If he's not providing support financially or working, he can at least look after his DC a couple of times a week so you can have some free time? Obviously you may want to get lockable drawers/cupboards so you can lock personal papers/stuff away. Put a lock on your bedroom door so he can't access it and have strict rules on him leaving as soon as you get home.

Sorry but you can make changes if you want to
it seems you dont
things don’t have to cost money, you can go for walks with people, you can make friends with other mums, you can invite people to yours for a coffee

you are negative and while you’re in this frame of mind blaming ex that’s a good get out clause

sure, he’s a shit. Yes he should get a job and pay cms. But he isn’t and you can’t control that. You can control how you act, your outlook, you can make changes but are choosing not too. Start small and make steps to do so. Then go do it !

My ex did this too. He dumped us, went abroad to avoid paying CMA and left me to do everything and work full time.
I was furious for years. There certainly is no time or money to socialise in this situation.
But DS is 40 now and he is a wonderful man and I'm very happy with how I raised him.
We are very close and I'm so proud of him.