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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How to not feel bitter

117 replies

FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 00:38

Has anyone got any advice on how to not feel bitter about your ex? Been split with ex for years now, due to his living situation he never has the children overnight and hasn’t since we split, I’ve never had a night to myself not one in 6 years. I can’t date or meet anyone new as with the children 24/7, it’s affected friendships and now I have zero social life, I don’t have family I am completely on my own. Meanwhile my exes life is completely the same as it was before children and unaffected, he has lots of friends, is out most nights socialising, can date if he wants, if he met a new woman he could have other kids and raise them whilst not bothering with ours meanwhile I’m expected to feel like the one that’s “won” in this situation. I feel lonely angry and bitter, I can’t see how I’m the one that’s apparently won. I’m exhausted and haggard I feel old beyond my years. I’m miserable and have no life.

Yes I have my children but I feel like I’ve sacrificed a lot to raise them and have ruined my life and wasted the best Years of my life. Ex has expressed he still has feelings for me and I seriously feel like going back there but because of how miserable I am and at least he would be here as well not off living his best life without a care in the world. I can’t face another birthday in 2 weeks alone with no one just my kids which feels sad anyway as I spend my birthdays sat in Pizza Hut feeling like a loner.

OP posts:
anareen · 02/10/2023 10:52

FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 10:34

I would not feel anger regret and bitterness if my ex would take the children sometimes so I could have a life away from being a mother. Unless you are in that situation then you have no idea how it feels. Mums that get regular breaks from their kids have no idea how it feels. It’s a completely different situation.

Plenty of mothers are in the same boat as you. However, once again, that isn't the focus. You came here and posted about YOUR life and YOUR situation.

You have stated that you wasted your 20's, your life is ruined, you regret etc etc. with this negative attitude towards YOUR SITUATION as it is NOW, the question begs, do you want your children? Do you want to be a mother?

DivorcedDiva · 02/10/2023 10:53

Are your DC old enough for cubs/scouts? If so, sign them up to it and the DC can get a break from you, learn some skills/become more independent and you can get whole weekends to yourself. Checkout which one you sign them up to and make sure they are an 'active' group though as some do more trips than others.

DivorcedDiva · 02/10/2023 10:54

Also unless your DC are really young, schools take them away from yr 3

anareen · 02/10/2023 11:03

DivorcedDiva · 02/10/2023 10:54

Also unless your DC are really young, schools take them away from yr 3

Someone previous has asked if the children are in school. Magically, no response when responses by OP have been quite active. It was stated by OP that children were born when OP was 22. It was also stated by OP that most of her 20's have been wasted to being a mother from 22 on so it sounds fair to assume children are school age.

Original poster
FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 11:11

im not sure I understand the school question? What relevance is it, unless you are suggesting that’s a break? Well no it’s not because it’s not the same as having a weekend to yourself is it? I’m referring to overnights. And to answer the question, children are in school apart from one. Comparing children being in school to a “break” on the weekend is laughable frankly.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 11:12

DivorcedDiva · 02/10/2023 10:53

Are your DC old enough for cubs/scouts? If so, sign them up to it and the DC can get a break from you, learn some skills/become more independent and you can get whole weekends to yourself. Checkout which one you sign them up to and make sure they are an 'active' group though as some do more trips than others.

Overnights?

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 11:13

anareen · 02/10/2023 10:52

Plenty of mothers are in the same boat as you. However, once again, that isn't the focus. You came here and posted about YOUR life and YOUR situation.

You have stated that you wasted your 20's, your life is ruined, you regret etc etc. with this negative attitude towards YOUR SITUATION as it is NOW, the question begs, do you want your children? Do you want to be a mother?

Show quote history

Yes I want my children I just want support with them from the other person that created them. Sorry you find that hard to understand. And actually I don’t come across many women whose ex doesn’t have the children overnight or at all. They may exist but it’s much more rare.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 11:15

I’m on single mum support groups but I don’t relate to any of them, complaining their ex wants to take the kids away on holiday (I wish!) complaining their ex was late dropping the kids home (again I only could dream of that)

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/10/2023 11:16

YewTree84 · 02/10/2023 10:23

I've just read more of these posts. You are SO negative.

You chose to have kids with a waste of space. The kids didn't choose this, you did.

You need to be the mum they need and unfortunately if you don't get a night out then that's the way it has to be, tough!

That's a really mean message op is allowed to feel sad she's missing out on her old life

cptartapp · 02/10/2023 11:17

Cubs and scouts do overnight camps. Mine did plenty. Look into it.

anareen · 02/10/2023 11:18

@FeelSoDown

I do not find that hard to understand. It seems you find it hard to understand that as of now, that isn't your situation. Having no support from the other parent is not rare at all.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/10/2023 11:19

Op have you asked any of your friends if they would occasionally babysit? I did that a couple of times a year for my single mum friend when I was single in my 20s m.

Original poster
FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 11:21

No unfortunately they won’t give up their own child free time and don’t need to swap babysitting as their own exes are involved, I’m on single parent groups in fact I’m on many and those with no involvement from the ex are definitely in the minority to the point I struggle to relate.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/10/2023 11:22

You also said that ex has expressed an interest in getting back with you. Tell us more about that. If he actually wants that surely you can use that to hold him to account. Eg before if even consider that I'd need to see you are supportive and care about me and the kids. Can you babysit one Saturday night a month as a start to show this to me? What would he say?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/10/2023 11:24

FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 11:21

No unfortunately they won’t give up their own child free time and don’t need to swap babysitting as their own exes are involved, I’m on single parent groups in fact I’m on many and those with no involvement from the ex are definitely in the minority to the point I struggle to relate.

That's a shame that none of them can sympathize 😞 I'd think that friends would be willing to do a swap sometimes even if they aren't single so that they can do a date night with their partner!
Have you offered sleepover swaps with friends in a couple ? Perhaps you have their kids at yours one weekend and they can have a couples weekend, and then another weekend they take yours for a sleepover?

anareen · 02/10/2023 11:26

FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 11:11

im not sure I understand the school question? What relevance is it, unless you are suggesting that’s a break? Well no it’s not because it’s not the same as having a weekend to yourself is it? I’m referring to overnights. And to answer the question, children are in school apart from one. Comparing children being in school to a “break” on the weekend is laughable frankly.

You posted your situation and asked for advice to not feel so bitter and upset. So based on your situation at the moment having the weekend free or an overnight free isn't an option now is it? So sounds like that is where you are able to get a break. If you continue to find excuses like you have with every other piece of advice doesn't sound like you will have much success finding options to not feel bitter and upset now does it ?

Original poster
FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 11:27

He claims to but it makes no sense since he doesn’t bother with the kids but people have told me maybe that’s the reason because I don’t want to be with him, which would add up, any contact he has with them he has invited me along which I say no and when I use to allow him here to see them he wouldn’t come if I stayed in my room, I stayed in my room because I wanted to give him alone time with the children but he said I was being weird and he won’t come again if I act weird. I think he likes knowing that I am trapped. I had to stop letting him come here as it was making me feel uncomfortable but since then he doesn’t bother.

OP posts:
Forgotmylogindetails · 02/10/2023 11:29

sorry But you keep on about the dad and how it’s not just your responsibility.

reality check - it is your responsibility the dad is a waste of space whose shirked his responsibilities so it is down to YOU to parent them Because if you don’t who will ?

Life isn’t fair , but these kids didn’t ask to be born. They deserve a happy life try focussing on them rather than focussing on the fact you party on a weekend.

I am well prepared to be shot down in flames btw.

thelonemommabear · 02/10/2023 11:29

@FeelSoDown

I feel the same OP. Although I suspect I'm a little older so in terms of "best years" I'm 40 now but I feel young-ish and still got a lot to give.

My ex husband doesn't have the children over nights at all either. Does an hour a fortnight at most. I have toddler twins - that won't settle without me - babysitters are impossible and no family or friends nearly. Not that I can afford it anyway

Do I feel bitter and resentful? Yes sometimes. But I read somewhere that 75% of all the time we'll ever have with a children is over by the time they are 12. I tell myself that however lonely I feel it's me that's building memories with them. He'll never have this time with them. If he wants to have kids with someone else good luck to him and her - don't focus on things you can't control.
I can sleep at night. At the end I'll have no regrets. When the kids are older I'll take on more hobbies and book singles holidays. This loneliness I feel is not as bad as the loneliness I felt in my marriage

MayMi · 02/10/2023 11:29

It's natural to feel stuck in a situation like that.

Even if your ex can't have the children round for the night, can he at least have them in the day? He can go out somewhere with them while you go do what you want for at least a few hours.

Another idea - invite a friend over at a time that works for you. Your kids will be home too but they can do their thing and you and your friend can chill in another room. Or you can chat on the phone to them more. Or you can put the kids in after school club (sports, art etc) and have some me-time then.

It's tough but it's better for you to try to work with what you've got rather than focus on what others have instead of you.

anareen · 02/10/2023 11:39

FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 11:27

He claims to but it makes no sense since he doesn’t bother with the kids but people have told me maybe that’s the reason because I don’t want to be with him, which would add up, any contact he has with them he has invited me along which I say no and when I use to allow him here to see them he wouldn’t come if I stayed in my room, I stayed in my room because I wanted to give him alone time with the children but he said I was being weird and he won’t come again if I act weird. I think he likes knowing that I am trapped. I had to stop letting him come here as it was making me feel uncomfortable but since then he doesn’t bother.

Yet, you want him to be involved in your children's lives and are upset that he isn't ? This makes no sense. The children clearly aren't a priority to him. You make sure to not have him over and to not be around him because it "makes you uncomfortable ". He has shown that he doesn't bother to see the children if not around you. But you are more than willing to send your children with him?

Original poster
FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 11:41

You’re clearly just here for an argument he makes ME uncomfortable because he wants to be with me and I don’t, why would that mean he can’t have the children? Of course I want the other parent to step up!

OP posts:
Original poster
FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 11:41

I’m going to be ignoring that poster from now on.

OP posts:
MayMi · 02/10/2023 11:42

Btw it really is worth trying to make mum friends at soft play etc - just because these mums are there, doesn't mean they like being at soft play, they might be looking to socialise with other mums while their kids play and tire themselves out for a nap. It's a win-win, really worth a try.

Also Facebook is quite good for people organising free local events, so that might be a good resource for you to find somewhere to go with the kids while giving you a chance to socialise.

I'm sure you do like spending time with your kids, but if you haven't had a break for 6 years I can understand your need for a break.

DivorcedDiva · 02/10/2023 11:45

FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 11:12

Overnights?

Show quote history

Yes which is why I wrote it