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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

How to not feel bitter

117 replies

FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 00:38

Has anyone got any advice on how to not feel bitter about your ex? Been split with ex for years now, due to his living situation he never has the children overnight and hasn’t since we split, I’ve never had a night to myself not one in 6 years. I can’t date or meet anyone new as with the children 24/7, it’s affected friendships and now I have zero social life, I don’t have family I am completely on my own. Meanwhile my exes life is completely the same as it was before children and unaffected, he has lots of friends, is out most nights socialising, can date if he wants, if he met a new woman he could have other kids and raise them whilst not bothering with ours meanwhile I’m expected to feel like the one that’s “won” in this situation. I feel lonely angry and bitter, I can’t see how I’m the one that’s apparently won. I’m exhausted and haggard I feel old beyond my years. I’m miserable and have no life.

Yes I have my children but I feel like I’ve sacrificed a lot to raise them and have ruined my life and wasted the best Years of my life. Ex has expressed he still has feelings for me and I seriously feel like going back there but because of how miserable I am and at least he would be here as well not off living his best life without a care in the world. I can’t face another birthday in 2 weeks alone with no one just my kids which feels sad anyway as I spend my birthdays sat in Pizza Hut feeling like a loner.

OP posts:
DivorcedDiva · 02/10/2023 11:47

FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 11:11

im not sure I understand the school question? What relevance is it, unless you are suggesting that’s a break? Well no it’s not because it’s not the same as having a weekend to yourself is it? I’m referring to overnights. And to answer the question, children are in school apart from one. Comparing children being in school to a “break” on the weekend is laughable frankly.

You are really being obtuse

LarryStylinson · 02/10/2023 11:53

How old are your kids?

anareen · 02/10/2023 11:55

FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 11:41

You’re clearly just here for an argument he makes ME uncomfortable because he wants to be with me and I don’t, why would that mean he can’t have the children? Of course I want the other parent to step up!

Definitely not what I am here for 🤣
So he wants to be with you. Won't step up to see the children. He will only see the children if you will be around.....? Does that sound like the children are his priority? Would you want to send your children to someone who doesn't make their own children a priority? Besides him being the other parent and you wanting a break, I am very curious to know your thought process on that.

SuperheroBirds · 02/10/2023 12:06

You are absolutely not wrong to feel angry that the person you chose to have children with is not playing their part and it is 100% down to you to look after them. But, you can’t change him and his situation. So as frustrating as it is, you have to focus on what you can change.
Children’s groups and soft play might not be as much fun for you as clubbing, but are they better than sitting in and never speaking to anyone? Meeting people for lunch might not be as exciting as a big night out or weekend away, but surely it is better than nothing.
No good can come of comparing your life to that of friends without children or those in different situations, it is pointless. Have you tried telling your friends honestly about how you feel? Surely they could sometimes go to yours for a whole night without feeling the need to go out after?

MeMySonAnd1 · 02/10/2023 12:15

anareen · 02/10/2023 09:33

It seems as you view your children as being a hindrance to your life. Your children are your life now. As parents we sacrifice things FOR our children. If them sleeping is the only alone time you get then so be it, to the point of describing your views of your situation as you have is quite sad. You said your children have affected friendships? In what way? If they were any friend your children wouldn't be a problem. If you are making your children an issue to have friends then idk what to say. Your priorities seems a bit off. I can't imagine the way your children feel by what you have described.

To be honest, anyone who has sole care of their children 24/7 for a long time with no light at the end of the tunnel (by light I mean father taking over part of the work of parenting the children he abandoned) has a right to a good deep moan from time to time, without this meaning she doesn’t love her children or resent them , at the end of the day… she is the parent who stayed and picked up the ball when the father fecked off.

No need for judgement here, everybody, absolutely everybody has their up and down moments when it comes to parenting.

piscofrisco · 02/10/2023 12:31

I think the responses you are getting here are harsh. Of course it's hard having the kids 24/7 with no family or friends to help out and no spare money to enable a break.

You have said you didn't make friends at the school gate. Could you revisit that-because the mum friends I made were invaluable to me in terms of play dates and sleepovers later on which is how I clawed some time back.
Can you invite some of their fiends over for tea and getting Chatting to the mums over time that way?

Would you consider legal advice to try and get their dad to have some contact with his own kids? Does he have family-a mum-their Granny who might be willing to talk to him re this?

I've got lots of sympathy for your position and I'm not surprised you feel negative!

FSTraining · 02/10/2023 12:42

MeMySonAnd1 · 02/10/2023 12:15

To be honest, anyone who has sole care of their children 24/7 for a long time with no light at the end of the tunnel (by light I mean father taking over part of the work of parenting the children he abandoned) has a right to a good deep moan from time to time, without this meaning she doesn’t love her children or resent them , at the end of the day… she is the parent who stayed and picked up the ball when the father fecked off.

No need for judgement here, everybody, absolutely everybody has their up and down moments when it comes to parenting.

Show quote history

I would generally agree, except with the caveat that if they did any of the following they made their own bed:

  1. Successfully fighting to stay in the FMH even though it meant their ex could not afford suitable accommodation for themselves to have the children overnight;

  2. Restricting access to the other parent in order to get more child maintenance;

  3. Refusing to maximise their own earnings and insisting on spousal maintenance in order to work only part time and be available for the children.

In these scenarios, the resident parent is the creator of the situation rather than a victim of it.

BigPussyEnergy · 02/10/2023 12:42

You sound like you’re stuck in a loop and not taking anyone’s suggestions on board.

I divorced when my DCs were all primary age. I used local teens to babysit (they don’t need anything close to £20 an hour!) or other single mums. Get on your Facebook local groups and ask. Plenty of teenage girls that are responsible and would happily sit and do their homework round your house one evening for a lot less than £20 per hour.

If you want to try dating you don’t need a full evening to meet someone, most first dates are a coffee and a chat - 30 mins to an hour max. Many people fit it in at lunchtime or after work rather than make a whole evening of it, and especially now that many people work from home and have a bit more flexibility on hours, the whole game has shifted in terms of having to have Friday and Saturday nights to go out.

How old are your children? Once they get to secondary school age the world will totally open up for you in terms of work and socialising, so don’t feel too despondent that this is forever. I’m in my late 40s and having the absolute time of my life socially. Many single friends (lots of your friends marriages will break down over the next few years, sad for them but handy for you!) and kids are old enough to take care of themselves while I go out to clubs or on dates.

Your life will still be there waiting for you. Meanwhile your ex is ruining his relationship with his kids, not contributing financially or practically to their upbringing and wasting his life not working. He’s a loser. Please don’t go back to him thinking it’s better than nothing. It really isn’t.

First thing you need to change is your attitude and then you can change your life. And insinuating that other mums are sitting around knitting is just internalised misogyny. I know loads of single mums and we all make the best of it, running businesses, meeting new friends, FWB situations, learning new skills. Honestly I think most of the single women I know are much happier than the married ones.

BigPussyEnergy · 02/10/2023 12:44

And my ex lives in another country, and both sets of grandparents are dead, so I do know what it’s like to have no help!

Quitelikeit · 02/10/2023 12:48

Look on Gumtree for a sitter?

put a ad up in your local shop?

Do you work? Would you like to? You know you can get childcare for free at college?

Why not have some goals in your life?

You need to be a strong role model for your kids? No one else is going to bother?

You are down because you have no aims/goals and lonely too

You need to reach out to local toddler groups? Home start? They’ll give you a break

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/10/2023 12:57

Why won’t you say how old your children are and if you work? If you’ve been split up 6 years aren’t they all at school?

kamboozled · 02/10/2023 13:04

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/10/2023 11:24

That's a shame that none of them can sympathize 😞 I'd think that friends would be willing to do a swap sometimes even if they aren't single so that they can do a date night with their partner!
Have you offered sleepover swaps with friends in a couple ? Perhaps you have their kids at yours one weekend and they can have a couples weekend, and then another weekend they take yours for a sleepover?

Show quote history

Yeah that is disappointing! I've child minded before while all my friends were out having a blast - she's a single mum and deserved a break, that's what friends do!

kamboozled · 02/10/2023 13:17

FSTraining · 02/10/2023 12:42

I would generally agree, except with the caveat that if they did any of the following they made their own bed:

  1. Successfully fighting to stay in the FMH even though it meant their ex could not afford suitable accommodation for themselves to have the children overnight;

  2. Restricting access to the other parent in order to get more child maintenance;

  3. Refusing to maximise their own earnings and insisting on spousal maintenance in order to work only part time and be available for the children.

In these scenarios, the resident parent is the creator of the situation rather than a victim of it.

Show quote history

The dead beat father doesn't work, so:

  1. can't afford to rent or pay a mortgage for his own home in any situation
  1. Doesn't pay child maintenance
  1. Doesn't pay child maintenance

Who's post are you replying to because it's not relevent in this thread?

This is a bed made by the fail of a father, not the OP (please read before posting random unrelated trap)

FSTraining · 02/10/2023 13:49

kamboozled · 02/10/2023 13:17

The dead beat father doesn't work, so:

  1. can't afford to rent or pay a mortgage for his own home in any situation
  1. Doesn't pay child maintenance
  1. Doesn't pay child maintenance

Who's post are you replying to because it's not relevent in this thread?

This is a bed made by the fail of a father, not the OP (please read before posting random unrelated trap)

Show quote history

I was replying to someone who said "anyone who has sole care." This was a more general observation, which needed a response.

Also, on this particular matter, I note no one has asked why the father does not work. We don't actually know the reason for that; it could be that until divorce he was the SAHP and hasn't been able to get a job; he could have other caring responsibilities or perhaps he has health issues that prevent him working? I would ask the question why he does not work before rushing to judgment.

DivorcedDiva · 02/10/2023 14:48

@FSTraining you seem very interested in the father and excusing behaviour, but then probably being a guy you would be. Possibly not the thread for promoting men as totally not relevant.
As unfair as it is, the OP cannot make their ex do anything, she can only control what happens whilst they are in her care.

MeMySonAnd1 · 02/10/2023 14:54

anareen · 02/10/2023 11:39

Yet, you want him to be involved in your children's lives and are upset that he isn't ? This makes no sense. The children clearly aren't a priority to him. You make sure to not have him over and to not be around him because it "makes you uncomfortable ". He has shown that he doesn't bother to see the children if not around you. But you are more than willing to send your children with him?

Show quote history

@anareen , what are you aiming at, do you get your kicks from kicking people who are down?

Does it makes you feel superior? What do you get of spitting out so much hate and judgement? Do you really need to?

if so, you may be better off getting some counselling to check why you enjoy hurting people so much. Has somebody hurt you badly? Are you in a situation you can’t escape due to misguided stereotypes? There is a real person who is upset in this thread and who needs support (or a good moan) you seem very committed to hurt her as much as you can.

Please leave the thread if you can’t contribute with anything positive.

FSTraining · 02/10/2023 15:42

DivorcedDiva · 02/10/2023 14:48

@FSTraining you seem very interested in the father and excusing behaviour, but then probably being a guy you would be. Possibly not the thread for promoting men as totally not relevant.
As unfair as it is, the OP cannot make their ex do anything, she can only control what happens whilst they are in her care.

I'm not "very interested" in one side of the other. The point I'm trying to make is that you cannot jump to conclusions. It's actually quite unusual for one parent to be as uninvolved as the OP's ex so the first question is to establish why.

What might seem obvious can be anything but. It's quite unusual, for example, for the NRP to not be working at all and unable to have suitable accommodation to have the children overnight (e.g. a more common scenario might be that they are working, but cash in hand, and they seem to be able to house themselves somehow. Or they're self employed and fiddling the books).

You can shortcut that and conclude he's a waste of space but if you do that, then you risk making the wrong recommendations. What if there are other reasons that the OP's ex cannot work or cannot house themselves? That might be the root cause issue that needs to be resolved in order to move forward.

For example, especially in this cost of living crisis, it's not unusual for money to simply not stretch to two suitable homes. The NRP might be in unsuitable shared accommodation and relations between the adults too poor for nesting. The solution that they take the children overnight could be a practical impossibility without addressing the housing inequality first.

Original poster
FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 16:12

He doesn’t have them because he has decided to rent out ALL the rooms in his HA flat and that is why he doesn’t pay any maintenance because he isn’t working but has undeclared income which I can’t prove. I’m sure you will make up excuses about the COL crisis so he has no choice but to rent out all of his rooms but that doesn’t explain why he hasn’t seen the kids since MAY. There is no housing inequality here he has a 3 bed HA flat he is deciding to rent out the rooms whilst claiming benefits.

OP posts:
FSTraining · 02/10/2023 16:21

FeelSoDown · 02/10/2023 16:12

He doesn’t have them because he has decided to rent out ALL the rooms in his HA flat and that is why he doesn’t pay any maintenance because he isn’t working but has undeclared income which I can’t prove. I’m sure you will make up excuses about the COL crisis so he has no choice but to rent out all of his rooms but that doesn’t explain why he hasn’t seen the kids since MAY. There is no housing inequality here he has a 3 bed HA flat he is deciding to rent out the rooms whilst claiming benefits.

I'm not here to make excuses, I'm trying to get more detail to see what - if anything - you can do.

I would suggest you refer his arrangement to his housing association who almost certainly forbid sub-letting and also to HMRC who will be interested in this income. You may well find he has to get an income from somewhere else in the near future and has more space at home, if his HA don't evict him.

DivorcedDiva · 02/10/2023 17:03

A quick Google shows that having lodgers is allowed in HA properties unless it results in overcrowding, completely different to subletting...but as a trainee solicitor I'm sure you know that.

FSTraining · 02/10/2023 19:09

DivorcedDiva · 02/10/2023 17:03

A quick Google shows that having lodgers is allowed in HA properties unless it results in overcrowding, completely different to subletting...but as a trainee solicitor I'm sure you know that.

Yeah, maybe if he moved in before 1989 but I suspect he's a bit younger than that.

kamboozled · 02/10/2023 23:08

FSTraining · 02/10/2023 15:42

I'm not "very interested" in one side of the other. The point I'm trying to make is that you cannot jump to conclusions. It's actually quite unusual for one parent to be as uninvolved as the OP's ex so the first question is to establish why.

What might seem obvious can be anything but. It's quite unusual, for example, for the NRP to not be working at all and unable to have suitable accommodation to have the children overnight (e.g. a more common scenario might be that they are working, but cash in hand, and they seem to be able to house themselves somehow. Or they're self employed and fiddling the books).

You can shortcut that and conclude he's a waste of space but if you do that, then you risk making the wrong recommendations. What if there are other reasons that the OP's ex cannot work or cannot house themselves? That might be the root cause issue that needs to be resolved in order to move forward.

For example, especially in this cost of living crisis, it's not unusual for money to simply not stretch to two suitable homes. The NRP might be in unsuitable shared accommodation and relations between the adults too poor for nesting. The solution that they take the children overnight could be a practical impossibility without addressing the housing inequality first.

Show quote history

Yes, but you were stating stuff that was clearly false - we already know the father isn't working etc

Second, now you're trying to get her to report the dad.... it's not the topic. This isn't a legal advice thread you know!

DivorcedDiva · 03/10/2023 00:00

I think he is just a man blustering that he knows more than he does because obviously he understands the situation and needs far more than the rest of us 🙄
The @FeelSoDown hasn't been back though to confirm ages of children or acknowledge the suggestions given other than to make comments that suggest they haven't read or understood the replies.

kamboozled · 03/10/2023 01:46

@DivorcedDiva

Yeah, I think it's because she wants to go out at the weekend with her existing friends - she can see them all doing it and she's the one that's been left out for years - any advice that doesn't result in that specific situation becoming a reality is rejected. x