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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Partner has taken kids away and blocked contact

363 replies

JustDad46 · 26/09/2023 03:59

Hi,

Wife has been under a lot of outside strain for a few months and has been acting out of character - quite emotionally abusive and neglecting kids etc. Neither myself or the kids could talk to her without her blowing up. We actually lived avoiding her with the kids sharing their concerns with me constantly.

Eleven days ago she demanded a divorce, became surrounded by friends and family who never liked me and had blanked me for years, then phoned the police and concocted a story which, when a court looks at it will be so transparently untrue it will be crazy. She tried to take out Non-Mol and Residency Orders which the judge immediately set aside.

But it's still very hurtful to be accused groundlessly. And have friends all hypothesizing that she's cheating because she had everything in place so quickly.

But the ABSOLUTE WORST part is that I haven't seen my kids or spoken to them in ELEVEN days. It's tearing me up and she knows it will be. She took them away and I don't know where any of them are. My children's last texts show that they wanted to be with me, love me etc.

I'm not sure if this is in the right thread. i'm just very emotionally and physically exhausted and exasperated that despite everyone telling me how wrong it all is, how everyone looking at the evidence tells me I'm right, social workers are taking forever to assign a case worker, police are doing absolutely nothing an passing the buck to social workers and my solicitors DESPITE there being welfare risks to my two kids from a third party and neglect and emotional abuse history from my wife. My solicitors aren't finding HER solicitors very co-operative (my wife started the solicitor involvement).

Every crisis helpline and charity has supported me 100% but they are powerless. What shocks me is how common they say all this is.

Tonight, I'm grieving for my children. It's absolutely like a bereavement. I don't know where they are, if they are safe and no-one who could and should do something seems to give a damn :-(

NO orders against me nor grounds for any. I have parental responsibility and am actually the one who listened to and looked after the kids but i am the one being deprived of them.... At wit's end.

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 10/10/2023 11:03

Do you suspect she'll show up to the hearing OP?

Original poster
JustDad46 · 10/10/2023 11:03

Thisistyresome · 10/10/2023 08:37

@D0RA
You really have an axe to grind here don’t you?

“I see you are only happy to engage with posters who agree that you are the victim here , despite lots of clues to the contrary.”

Rather like earlier commenters you appear to be stating your opinion as fact but with little justification. The OP has engaged with a number of us, including those who aren’t assuming the OP is a victim or villain. Some times he seems to have missed questions asked but that is a normal fact of human interaction. People do that all the time. If you want to know you simply have to ask again. You seem to have asked once then jumped to a conclusions (I am assuming you are not running multiple sock puppet accounts and getting confused which account you said something on).

“And you don’t seem able to answer the questions about your work awards and the mortgage, which are points that you raised yourself.”

What were the specific questions? I noticed a “why is that relevant” type question but that is hardly an issue to ignore.

I agree OP is jumping to conclusions regarding why phone contact is not working, but that is also a human trait. Which is why people should discuss their issues with other to get other perspectives. However, that idea that a 15 year old will want to walk in to a police station and say “I want to see my Dad” is simply fantasy. I certainly would not have taken that solution years ago when I was that age (that was before there was the current level of distrust of the police).

Social worker stated she has seen the messages sent to my daughter's phone by me. They were shown to me by my wife and the social worker confirmed my daughter has had her phone taken away. Hope that helps some of the other naysayers. I may have been going on "gut instinct" but I also know all parties involved and it turns out I was right. Sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustDad46 · 10/10/2023 11:05

Thisistyresome · 10/10/2023 08:37

@D0RA
You really have an axe to grind here don’t you?

“I see you are only happy to engage with posters who agree that you are the victim here , despite lots of clues to the contrary.”

Rather like earlier commenters you appear to be stating your opinion as fact but with little justification. The OP has engaged with a number of us, including those who aren’t assuming the OP is a victim or villain. Some times he seems to have missed questions asked but that is a normal fact of human interaction. People do that all the time. If you want to know you simply have to ask again. You seem to have asked once then jumped to a conclusions (I am assuming you are not running multiple sock puppet accounts and getting confused which account you said something on).

“And you don’t seem able to answer the questions about your work awards and the mortgage, which are points that you raised yourself.”

What were the specific questions? I noticed a “why is that relevant” type question but that is hardly an issue to ignore.

I agree OP is jumping to conclusions regarding why phone contact is not working, but that is also a human trait. Which is why people should discuss their issues with other to get other perspectives. However, that idea that a 15 year old will want to walk in to a police station and say “I want to see my Dad” is simply fantasy. I certainly would not have taken that solution years ago when I was that age (that was before there was the current level of distrust of the police).

PS I may have missed the mortgage question but, in NI, police officers don't detail their work specifics as a general principle.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustDad46 · 10/10/2023 11:07

Thisistyresome · 10/10/2023 08:37

@D0RA
You really have an axe to grind here don’t you?

“I see you are only happy to engage with posters who agree that you are the victim here , despite lots of clues to the contrary.”

Rather like earlier commenters you appear to be stating your opinion as fact but with little justification. The OP has engaged with a number of us, including those who aren’t assuming the OP is a victim or villain. Some times he seems to have missed questions asked but that is a normal fact of human interaction. People do that all the time. If you want to know you simply have to ask again. You seem to have asked once then jumped to a conclusions (I am assuming you are not running multiple sock puppet accounts and getting confused which account you said something on).

“And you don’t seem able to answer the questions about your work awards and the mortgage, which are points that you raised yourself.”

What were the specific questions? I noticed a “why is that relevant” type question but that is hardly an issue to ignore.

I agree OP is jumping to conclusions regarding why phone contact is not working, but that is also a human trait. Which is why people should discuss their issues with other to get other perspectives. However, that idea that a 15 year old will want to walk in to a police station and say “I want to see my Dad” is simply fantasy. I certainly would not have taken that solution years ago when I was that age (that was before there was the current level of distrust of the police).

My daughter has never been in a police station in her life and certainly would not be walking into one to report. I believe she is also in a rural area not close to one and wouldn't be as free to leave the house as has been assumed. Also, who knows what she's been told in over three weeks of one-parent access with a STBXW who has already made outrageous claims in a signed statement?

OP posts:
Original poster
JustDad46 · 10/10/2023 11:14

Catsafterme · 10/10/2023 10:47

@Thisistyresome Yes it certainly seems that way so far, all at the tax payers expense. All the women out there, like on here that are trying to keep themselves and their children safe being undermined and the courts being bogged down as well.

I don't know their particular situations but I have friends who know others who are going through similar situations as well across the country and I've also seen a large amount of cases where its happening in the US too that's being shared online for awareness to a rising issue.

As for third parties sharing details, they do and have done in my case as well. It's not as clear cut in a situation like this where there is no evidence, arrest or court orders of being a danger or abusive but the other party claiming so is acting in a way that seems overly irrational, exaggerated and abusive behavior themselves. There's a difference between protecting a child from abuse than keeping them in an abusive environment/situation by force.

Makes you wonder also whether those that don't believe understand the impact these dynamics have on the abused party and the children themselves. Exactly the same way as women get trapped and feel to blame and do everything to appease because their heads have been turned inside out after years of it. The children won't speak out, they are still with that person who has consistently reacted in a specific way to not hearing what they want to hear. They are too young to understand how this works, how long it can take and for all they know the father is not coming back. Six months mine haven't seen or spoken to me, nor anyone else. How does a child understand law moves at a snail pace that procedures need to be put in place. For all they know I have gone and I'm not coming back, especially if you add in the other is saying so.

@JustDad46 Thank you and you too, keep your head up. I'll try not to derail but I'll update mine so you have an idea of outcomes as I'm further along.

You're bang on about the dynamics and I hope that your kids, when they do see you, will have every opportunity to hear your side (they've had so much time hearing the opposite!) and that they will be able to decide for themselves what they believe and want.

That is all I want in my case. I know that my parenting stands on it's own merits and that my children know I love them, always have and always will.

There are a few bad vibers and instant mistrusters one here. I loved the sock -puppet expression above too LOL! I guess that's always a risk! If we met these people, who knows, maybe they've been through hell themselves and have a bit of a cloud over their judgement. They may not all be anti-men. But, given that what we're going through is hard enough, I'm minded to just move past them. It's about the kids.

OP posts:
Thisistyresome · 10/10/2023 11:16

JustDad46 · 10/10/2023 11:05

PS I may have missed the mortgage question but, in NI, police officers don't detail their work specifics as a general principle.

Show quote history

On the mortgage question, I’m not sure there was a question to answer. I think your inclusion was not hugely relevant to the point you were making (sounded like you were having a “brain dump” rather then making an important point).
Then the response you appeared to have “not responded too” appeared to be a rhetorical one rather than a specific question. I’m not sure how you could answer that sort of question.

As for the phone issue, you were correct (unfortunately, it would have been better if it was a matter of the child having an accident with the phone or similar). However, it is sometimes best not to assume things as it can cause you to get the wrong end of the stick on other matters. In this case you were correct, but of the many possibilities you wouldn’t want to create a false impression in your own mind and cause the situation to deteriorate further.

piscofrisco · 10/10/2023 11:38

The CAFCASS report including statements from both parties was shared with us and the court prior to the hearing in our case. That's standard practice @RantyAnty

Good job in our case because the cafcass officer had got both basic and very important details totally wrong and had we not had chance to point this out it might have altered the outcome of the hearing dramatically.

piscofrisco · 10/10/2023 11:53

@truthhurts23 are you actually the op's wife?!

Thisistyresome · 10/10/2023 13:24

piscofrisco · 10/10/2023 11:38

The CAFCASS report including statements from both parties was shared with us and the court prior to the hearing in our case. That's standard practice @RantyAnty

Good job in our case because the cafcass officer had got both basic and very important details totally wrong and had we not had chance to point this out it might have altered the outcome of the hearing dramatically.

@piscofrisco
“Good job in our case because the cafcass officer had got both basic and very important details totally wrong”

I have heard of this happening a lot. Unfortunately organisations are staffed by humans and often them make errors (of different magnitudes). Both Social Services and cafcass can make mistakes in both directions (believing someone who is not abusive to be so or deciding someone who is to not be).

Unfortunately these errors then lead people to consider their experience to be the way errors will always be, then making claims based upon this basic error of reasoning.

The idea that these reports would not be available in court is ridiculous.

piscofrisco · 10/10/2023 13:42

Absolutely. Human error is acceptable and will happen. But in our case the whole report was pretty much wrong. Dates. Reporting opinion as fact-on both sides-but more troublesome when there was a false allegation of domestic violence- and even the quantum and pattern of current time spent with each parent-which she recommended should 'remain in place'-we couldn't tell if she actually meant what was in fact in place should remain the same, or if the different version contained in her report was her recommendation. It was awful and took a whole day of expensive and stressful court time to unpick-before the rest of the case could even be discussed!

Original poster
JustDad46 · 10/10/2023 15:56

piscofrisco · 10/10/2023 11:53

@truthhurts23 are you actually the op's wife?!

😅and, if you are, where are my kids?!

Actually, it's possible....

OP posts:
Gloriously · 16/10/2023 20:30

Have things moved in for you this week @JustDad46 ?

How are you doing now?

Whattodo112222 · 16/10/2023 21:53

Oh glad someone bumped your post. I had been wondering about you.
Did you have the hearing or is that next week?

Original poster
JustDad46 · 17/10/2023 05:42

Gloriously · 16/10/2023 20:30

Have things moved in for you this week @JustDad46 ?

How are you doing now?

To be honest, I'm probably more in need of moral support than ever but I'm a bit disheartened at the thought that STBXW/friends/relatives could be behind any of the profiles on here as suggested above.

Feeling very isolated and will touch base with a local support line later. Rough night mentally :-( Can't believe the callousness and willingness to lie from STBXW even though most of them are pretty transparent. Also complete and total almost palpable misandry from social worker. Naturally, I've challenged it all but it doesn't leave me feeling any better.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustDad46 · 17/10/2023 05:43

*most of them= most of her lies/claims

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 17/10/2023 08:33

Could just be trolls or people winding, get that often.

Keep your head up, it's hard when all you are doing is deflecting attacks and lies but things may change. As said to me, may have won some skirmishes but not necessarily the war.

Original poster
JustDad46 · 17/10/2023 09:17

Catsafterme · 17/10/2023 08:33

Could just be trolls or people winding, get that often.

Keep your head up, it's hard when all you are doing is deflecting attacks and lies but things may change. As said to me, may have won some skirmishes but not necessarily the war.

🙏Thanks. It's messages like these that make a difference. Feel so isolated :-(

OP posts:
Gloriously · 17/10/2023 11:25

Do you have a court date yet as that’s where any accusations need to be evidenced and then it’s the judges call at the end of the day.

Can you focus on that date when the truth will out.

Also what are the consequences for lying in the family court if it is apparent that there are fabricated malicious accusations?

Also your DC are of an age to make their own decisions - so take comfort in that.

Original poster
JustDad46 · 17/10/2023 11:49

Gloriously · 17/10/2023 11:25

Do you have a court date yet as that’s where any accusations need to be evidenced and then it’s the judges call at the end of the day.

Can you focus on that date when the truth will out.

Also what are the consequences for lying in the family court if it is apparent that there are fabricated malicious accusations?

Also your DC are of an age to make their own decisions - so take comfort in that.

I have a court date but I'm not sure that the kids will be allowed at that hearing.

What frustrates me is that I have passed COPIOUS amounts of documentary evidence and written summaries to indicate what bit of evidence shows what etc... BUT will a judge ever read it or get to read it?

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 17/10/2023 12:11

Hi OP - there are a lot of people supporting you, keep posting on the thread

Whattodo112222 · 17/10/2023 12:14

OP - who is this social worker, what capacity is she/he working in?

Thisistyresome · 17/10/2023 12:20

“Also complete and total almost palpable misandry from social worker.”

Just inform them you will record all interactions. You have the right to keep records of your case. In the modern world we can do so with technology. If you are dealing with humans you will get good and bad (as exemplified by a pp) so always keep the best records you can.

HirplesWithHaggis · 17/10/2023 12:30

Your children won't be allowed to attend the actual court hearing (imagine how damaging that could be!) but will be spoken to by CAFCASS and their feelings will be taken into account. Best of luck, and ignore the trolls. They are unlikely to be related to STBXW.

SomethingSoundsOff · 17/10/2023 12:58

I've been on these boards awhile (just name changed for this) and I have to say, I don't know if it is because you are a man and I'm used to reading women's struggles, but the tone of your posts sound off to me and a little inauthentic.

Myfabby · 17/10/2023 13:28

Thisistyresome · 17/10/2023 12:20

“Also complete and total almost palpable misandry from social worker.”

Just inform them you will record all interactions. You have the right to keep records of your case. In the modern world we can do so with technology. If you are dealing with humans you will get good and bad (as exemplified by a pp) so always keep the best records you can.

I've just read through and maybe I missed something, but your previous posts suggested that the social worker was supportive and in fact had seen some of your exW's lies. So how has that quickly shifted to misandry?

I really wouldn't advise recording a social worker. I think you need to take emotions out and deal logically with the situation with your eyes on the prize ( being to be able to see your children).

The judge simply isn't going to read through pages and pages of you documenting that your wife is lying. What will carry a lot of weight is what the children say as they are old enough. Your first post suggests she was abusive to them and you were not.