Partner has taken kids away and blocked contact

[JustDad46]

Hi,

Wife has been under a lot of outside strain for a few months and has been acting out of character - quite emotionally abusive and neglecting kids etc. Neither myself or the kids could talk to her without her blowing up. We actually lived avoiding her with the kids sharing their concerns with me constantly.

Eleven days ago she demanded a divorce, became surrounded by friends and family who never liked me and had blanked me for years, then phoned the police and concocted a story which, when a court looks at it will be so transparently untrue it will be crazy. She tried to take out Non-Mol and Residency Orders which the judge immediately set aside.

But it's still very hurtful to be accused groundlessly. And have friends all hypothesizing that she's cheating because she had everything in place so quickly.

But the ABSOLUTE WORST part is that I haven't seen my kids or spoken to them in ELEVEN days. It's tearing me up and she knows it will be. She took them away and I don't know where any of them are. My children's last texts show that they wanted to be with me, love me etc.

I'm not sure if this is in the right thread. i'm just very emotionally and physically exhausted and exasperated that despite everyone telling me how wrong it all is, how everyone looking at the evidence tells me I'm right, social workers are taking forever to assign a case worker, police are doing absolutely nothing an passing the buck to social workers and my solicitors DESPITE there being welfare risks to my two kids from a third party and neglect and emotional abuse history from my wife. My solicitors aren't finding HER solicitors very co-operative (my wife started the solicitor involvement).

Every crisis helpline and charity has supported me 100% but they are powerless. What shocks me is how common they say all this is.

Tonight, I'm grieving for my children. It's absolutely like a bereavement. I don't know where they are, if they are safe and no-one who could and should do something seems to give a damn :-(

NO orders against me nor grounds for any. I have parental responsibility and am actually the one who listened to and looked after the kids but i am the one being deprived of them.... At wit's end.

If she gets Legal Aid she'll get legal representation that is paid for but it won't be very good legal representation. I would generally discourage false abusers from going down this path not just because they are breaking the law but because it encourages the other side to fight a legal war of attrition with all the assets. There is a guy on another forum; he had a conviction for DA, so did his ex-wife and between them they racked up around £490k in legal fees. A textbook case of "how not to divorce." Anyone who decides false allegations will get them what they want normally end up 1) losing the role of resident parent because they're judged mentally unstable; 2) seeing most of their assets go up in smoke on legal fees (either theirs or their exes) and 3) make it impossible to have any kind of co-parenting relationship in the future.

For these reasons and based on my experience, I'm fairly confident that those who make abuse allegations are either being honest; are controlling abusers or have gone batshit crazy. It doesn't tend to be as hard for the court to work out which category an accuser falls into as people think. Abusers tend to crack under cross examination from a barrister and the crazy tend to make up stories that are factually impossible.

@FSTraining Yeah I can imagine, I don't want to do this but my hand has been forced. Currently I'm the one being financially drained but hoping it will work out better in the long run.

There's been no arrests, no convictions, no court orders, DA advice after the fact, nobody has said to do this other than her. Just false allegations through legal aid and refusal to any contact, indirect and direct.

Only now things are starting to collapse, police are involved to a degree, Cafcass are raising it higher and want to put in a child protection plan, have us both psychologically examined and children assessed because of MH concerns for her and now today I went to hospital for treatment for a disorder, which they have said is the result of abuse and they have raised it to MASH as they are concerned the children are in danger also.

It's so unbelievably insane, warped view I can't see how anyone can think it's right. So far it seems to be coming apparent to third parties but who knows in court.

Not sure what you're gaining by goading the OP tbh. It's deeply unhelpful to someone reaching out for emotional support. How can you possibly determine he's telling lies or even the truth? Just stay impartial.
We are all Internet strangers and don't have to believe each others stories, but you're going out of your way to goad the OP and for what?
Its a common fact that men can suffer abuse at the hands of women too.

he doesn't need you to defend him he is a grown man

Following your story but what is MASH if you don't mind?

Multi agency safeguarding hub

I think @truthhurts23's own actions say more about him/her than I ever could. As for the call not to defend me because I am a grown man... sounds a bit of a misandrist (a word I learned on here😁)... would s/he apply that logic if I were a woman, I wonder?

I'm not wasting my time with @truthhurts23 . I wouldn't want to keep them from however they normally spend their time. Productively, no doubt.

Thanks. I'm new enough to forum/posting jargon let alone a lot of the Social Services stuff. The only one I worked out instantly was STBXW... maybe that's a premonition.

Today, I learned, via the social worker's summary of my wife's allegations, that I have been abusing my eldest son! It was a shock to me and unevidenced... Where do these people pluck this stuff from? They must be aware that a lot of us dad's keep texts from our kids etc that show our mutual affection etc.

I'm not going to go into it all here online but it was very much Claims vs Evidence and I was on the evidential side. The thing is, I could never see myself just making a complete crock up about someone out of absolute spite.

It's madness and seems to be very common. Talk with my solicitor afterwards was very reassuring though. STBXW is digging a hole and won't put the spade down....

I would try and gather as much evidence as you can to refute her allegations.
If there's going to be counter allegations of domestic abuse from each of you, its highly likely there will be a fact finding hearing.
You need to have your allegations prepared and have your evidence also.

I would also say don't focus too much on what she's saying or doing. Focus on building your case up on how your children need their father and the emotional damage its causing them by not having you in their lives.

If your case is as strong as you're inferring it to be in that all her allegations are untrue and she is the abuser and you have evidence against her to substantiate that then you may have a good case for transfer of residence.

However, what I will say is your children are old enough to be listened to by the Court, it may be apparent they're brain washed and a good cafcass officer will recognise that, however also prepare yourself for the fact they may say they don't want to see you under the guise of their mother and it is not so apparent.

Court really is luck of the draw sadly.

I don't want to go into too much here but the Social worker did say that when the allegations made about me by STBXW were put to the children separately, both of them refuted them and also highlighted that they wanted to see me and had no concerns about seeing me etc 👌

I have a LOT of stuff evidenced and already with my solicitor. I will definitely concentrate on my side as at least I'm working with facts. She can attempt to justify her own assertions.

Yeah MASH I think is another SS kind of agency and obviously doctors have to inform them. It was very weird being told everything that's happened health wise is from psychological abuse, they said it makes up the majority of causes in patients. Also offered to provide letters for me for court as evidence so hopefully that will be some weight.

I think the house of cards may be starting to fall, fingers crossed. Will certainly put pressure and burst this make believe bubble that's currently going on anyway.

I hope your ordeal is coming to an end soon. Thinking about you, for what it's worth. Stay strong.

Sounds like it is unravelling fast for her. Where the allegations are false, it normally does unravel quite quickly. It's not a nice experience, but it's also quite rare that a perpetrator of false allegations gets very far.

If the allegations are complete nonsense, then she is indeed shovelling a massive great hole for herself. The allegations she is making will be proven against her and then conversations will have to be had as to whether she is a fit parent.

I would have thought you case will be swiftly resolved if your DCs - especially at their ages refute your STBXW claims of your abuse of them? However I have zero legal / family court experience - just seems like common sense - unless she is alleging incidents of emotional abuse that are nebulous and need to be decided by a judge?

Have you been given a route-map and timescale to when you might see your DCs?

Whats stopping you meeting your DC after school? Assume they are back at school now - even if you don’t know where they are staying - you know what time they finish school. You don’t have any orders against contacting your DCs do you?

Now I know you're flat out lying.

What is said to a social worker is confidential. No ethical social worker is going to discuss what the other parties are saying in an ongoing investigation involving abuse.

@RantyAnty CAFCASS reports are seen by both parties and the Family Court. Social Services reports are also included in Court bundles. I can't comment on whether the OP is telling the truth but this sharing does happen.

I disagree. I think its hugely incumbent on the social worker. My ex and I both spoke to the local authority social worker.. she told me his allegations and he was told mine.

@D0RA
You really have an axe to grind here don’t you?

“I see you are only happy to engage with posters who agree that you are the victim here , despite lots of clues to the contrary.”

Rather like earlier commenters you appear to be stating your opinion as fact but with little justification. The OP has engaged with a number of us, including those who aren’t assuming the OP is a victim or villain. Some times he seems to have missed questions asked but that is a normal fact of human interaction. People do that all the time. If you want to know you simply have to ask again. You seem to have asked once then jumped to a conclusions (I am assuming you are not running multiple sock puppet accounts and getting confused which account you said something on).

“And you don’t seem able to answer the questions about your work awards and the mortgage, which are points that you raised yourself.”

What were the specific questions? I noticed a “why is that relevant” type question but that is hardly an issue to ignore.

I agree OP is jumping to conclusions regarding why phone contact is not working, but that is also a human trait. Which is why people should discuss their issues with other to get other perspectives. However, that idea that a 15 year old will want to walk in to a police station and say “I want to see my Dad” is simply fantasy. I certainly would not have taken that solution years ago when I was that age (that was before there was the current level of distrust of the police).

@Catsafterme
“Some solicitors, specifically legal aid in my situation seem to be ambulance chasers who are doing everything in their power to frustrate the process. ”

This was the predictable outcome of a series of cuts during the coalition government. It hasn’t saved money but has made amess of the family courts and encouraged dishonesty among the less scrupulous solicitors.

@Thisistyresome Yes it certainly seems that way so far, all at the tax payers expense. All the women out there, like on here that are trying to keep themselves and their children safe being undermined and the courts being bogged down as well.

I don't know their particular situations but I have friends who know others who are going through similar situations as well across the country and I've also seen a large amount of cases where its happening in the US too that's being shared online for awareness to a rising issue.

As for third parties sharing details, they do and have done in my case as well. It's not as clear cut in a situation like this where there is no evidence, arrest or court orders of being a danger or abusive but the other party claiming so is acting in a way that seems overly irrational, exaggerated and abusive behavior themselves. There's a difference between protecting a child from abuse than keeping them in an abusive environment/situation by force.

Makes you wonder also whether those that don't believe understand the impact these dynamics have on the abused party and the children themselves. Exactly the same way as women get trapped and feel to blame and do everything to appease because their heads have been turned inside out after years of it. The children won't speak out, they are still with that person who has consistently reacted in a specific way to not hearing what they want to hear. They are too young to understand how this works, how long it can take and for all they know the father is not coming back. Six months mine haven't seen or spoken to me, nor anyone else. How does a child understand law moves at a snail pace that procedures need to be put in place. For all they know I have gone and I'm not coming back, especially if you add in the other is saying so.

@JustDad46 Thank you and you too, keep your head up. I'll try not to derail but I'll update mine so you have an idea of outcomes as I'm further along.

Well deserved moniker. The full report with redactions only where necessary to protect kids etc is visible to BOTH parties in NI. I can't imagine it would be different on the mainland.

STBXW has only made claims about one of the children as regards abuse. The Social Worker did not specify the nature of the alleged abuse but I imagine I will see this in the full report which is due for the court next week but should be completed and with me before then.

There is an interim contact order in my favour but it comes into effect after said report and is to be "agreed by the parties". I imagine she will be particularly obstructive at that point. There seems to be no suggestion that it will be "supervised" contact (probably not the correct term but you'll catch my drift.

Kids still not returned to school! Communicating with my solicitor at present regarding school issues.

That's EXACTLY what happened with me. There really are some judgemental axe-grinders on here. I'm not going to waste energy on them. Hearing for all parties in two weeks time (to give social workers time for their report, I assume).