Partner has taken kids away and blocked contact

[JustDad46]

Hi,

Wife has been under a lot of outside strain for a few months and has been acting out of character - quite emotionally abusive and neglecting kids etc. Neither myself or the kids could talk to her without her blowing up. We actually lived avoiding her with the kids sharing their concerns with me constantly.

Eleven days ago she demanded a divorce, became surrounded by friends and family who never liked me and had blanked me for years, then phoned the police and concocted a story which, when a court looks at it will be so transparently untrue it will be crazy. She tried to take out Non-Mol and Residency Orders which the judge immediately set aside.

But it's still very hurtful to be accused groundlessly. And have friends all hypothesizing that she's cheating because she had everything in place so quickly.

But the ABSOLUTE WORST part is that I haven't seen my kids or spoken to them in ELEVEN days. It's tearing me up and she knows it will be. She took them away and I don't know where any of them are. My children's last texts show that they wanted to be with me, love me etc.

I'm not sure if this is in the right thread. i'm just very emotionally and physically exhausted and exasperated that despite everyone telling me how wrong it all is, how everyone looking at the evidence tells me I'm right, social workers are taking forever to assign a case worker, police are doing absolutely nothing an passing the buck to social workers and my solicitors DESPITE there being welfare risks to my two kids from a third party and neglect and emotional abuse history from my wife. My solicitors aren't finding HER solicitors very co-operative (my wife started the solicitor involvement).

Every crisis helpline and charity has supported me 100% but they are powerless. What shocks me is how common they say all this is.

Tonight, I'm grieving for my children. It's absolutely like a bereavement. I don't know where they are, if they are safe and no-one who could and should do something seems to give a damn :-(

NO orders against me nor grounds for any. I have parental responsibility and am actually the one who listened to and looked after the kids but i am the one being deprived of them.... At wit's end.

Oh for God's sake the misandry on here! I am a woman...a woman's woman too...but I know a few women who would do things like this! We are not all sweet and innocent. Best of luck OP.

I think that the PP advice to ‘buckle up’ - is important and was the point I was trying to make earlier - so that you can pace and resource yourself.

Do you know the family court process in NI when DA is alleged? Do you understand each stage, the timelines, potential outcomes and costs - for worst and best case scenarios?

Agreed @florizel13 it's staggering at times. And sad for posters who've come for support only to be told they must be liars, wife beaters, co ercive controllers, or just vaguely that they MUST have done something wrong because they are a man. (Or in my case as man's second wife so I must be naive and/or a vile handmaiden of the patriarchy).

@florizel13 @piscofrisco Yeah, it's sad but common. People who know the circumstances like family and friends know it's lies but neighbors and strangers, it's not the same. There's an assumption it must be true or some atmosphere, you can tell.

Same with third parties involved until they get more insight, there's a assumption there, I think and it's even awkward talking about it trying to defend yourself or give context. Feels like you aren't going to be believed, by your own thoughts on stereotypes.

I didn't even know whether my own solicitor believed me, especially early on because it sounded like I was crazy. However, over time she's now seen it for herself and can see it's blatantly been abuse, post separation and being alienated. Same with police and Cafcass.

Fathers for Justice do not have a good reputation. Families Need Fathers are much better, you should find support and understanding there but I don't know if there is a joining fee.

Keep reaching out for support OP but remember to be stoic when you actually get to proceedings. Be nothing but child focused..be prepared for the mud slinging from her. You can try and be a decent person but its hard not to get caught up in it..
Don't talk about what she's done, talk about what you believe the impact is on your children. Talk about your role in their lives and how you imagine them to be feeling. Talk about the mother in the sense even though she's removed them from you and is potentially causing them emotional damage that you respect that children need both parents.
I guarantee you, if you behave like that and what you're saying is true about her being abusive (I'm sorry to say it like that, its only because I don't know you personally and we're Internet people) you'll walk away with a court order in your favour.
I've been in proceedings close to 4 years now, whilst every case is unique.. I've got a good grasp of how it all works.
Insist for a fact finding
A cafcass section 7
Your cafcass officer will make the appropriate recommendations.

”She has been acting VERY eratically for several months before this started and has huge family stresses due to illness and death in her family, has mood-related medical diagnosis etc....”

Can you say more about this? Is she depressed, grieving, in despair? Is it early days of a bereavement, wrapped up with peri-menopause or other MH collapse? Is there substance abuse?

Does she need time and space and compassion right now?

Just wondered if you are concerned for her - if your long term relationship was loving, supportive, respectful and reciprocal and she has done a 180 through a MH collapse?

Can you see any possibility of her getting medical support and your marriage reconciling?

If that’s what you want then have you asked for that before you get deep into court cases and calling in SS which can get ugly and take on a life of its own?

You have said a couple of times that your friends have suggested an affair ... are they trying to tell you something that they know?

Do YOU think that is a possibility given her emotional state over the past few months?

Thank you. I wish there were more like you. Fairness has no gender.

I hope to see my solicitor tomorrow for further advice. i also have a first meeting with the social worker tomorrow. This is the worker assigned to produce a report for the court but separate from a Court Children's Officer.

I take comfort though from those of you who still have open minds. I've been on the planet for 46 years and never intentionally hurt anyone. If I've ever offended anyone I'm usually the first to say sorry.

The prejudging here is at least preparation for what lies ahead.

That's how I feel. I have plenty of evidence written by STBXW herself and anyone who reads it will see for themselves. The trick is to make sure a judge gets to see it.

I realise that now about Fathers For Justice. It's just that you don't know what help is out there until you need to start looking and obviously they have gotten the headlines in the past ;-)

Please don't apologise for how you've put things. i can see that your heart is in the right place and appreciate your advice and will take it to heart 👏 Can't find a thanks emoticon. D'Oh!

Do your children have a court appointed Guardian?

Thank you for the questions. I'm not going to answer them in great detail on an online forum but, my gut feeling is that this is coming from a high stress place and that it is being pushed along by manipulative family members with their own agendas. If I was talking to you directly I'd explain that quite easily but I don't feel comfortable posting about it.

I do think she needs help mental health wise. This is something I'd love to see her get whether she is faithful/unfaithful or loves or loathes me. You don't stop caring for someone just because they act erratically. I feel it's hugely a stress reaction but then I start to ruminate on what friends are suggesting and the speed with which she set things in motion with solicitors etc. Was it, as some have suggested, more oven ready than a Boris Johnston plan?

Bear in mind I haven't had any contact with her for weeks by her choice. I don't want to see a home split up. It will hugely hurt my kids and myself and perhaps, in time, it will hurt her too or she may have regrets. But if she persists, what can I do?

If she's unwell, I'd love to help her through it but the manipulators would definitely oppose that. My ideal would be to get her better and herself again and return to normality but... is that even possible when someone took your kids away for so long and lied about you? I mean there's forgiveness but how do you rebuild trust after that?

I'd love to hear from anyone who did.

Also, it does seem that once solicitors get involved and start writing statements, perhaps people are groomed into nit-picking the past to look for instances to evidence the claims of their solicitor or back up accusations they'd never have made of their own free will.

There is also the side where I could only have a relationship if the emotional abuse of the kids and myself is over for good. No way I could tolerate it towards the kids.

Some solicitors, specifically legal aid in my situation seem to be ambulance chasers who are doing everything in their power to frustrate the process. They literally came out the gate treating me like I was a life long thug or criminal just out of prison and gave me terms to abide by, like I was on parole.

So, you're not only dealing with someone who's abusive themselves and quite frankly delusional with it, unable to see that they are self sabotaging their own life, you have third parties feeding them nonsense, no doubt.

Like mine I assume thinks she's totally justified, she's right and I am scum. Only, none of her claims make sense, past and current behavior is illogical/irrational and warped, none of her claims are true, her lies have already been quashed multiple times and yet doubles down. No rational person would be thinking this is going to turn out well.

I understand solicitors work on their clients behalf but Jesus Christ at what point do you think, hmm, my own client seems to be a bit iffy.

Just saw this.... Synchronicity?

By that logic, you're saying it's okay for a female dominated site to draw conclusions that a diverse site would not. You and others have then felt free to make malicious and baseless accusations against the OP. I find that far more telling.

Trade secret. Legal Aid solicitors tend to be the kind of people clients don't want to pay money for. If you are dealing with Legal Aid solicitors in a case like this, write them a letter reminding them of their obligations when the other side is unrepresented. Once they know they could be reported to the SRA, it normally makes them behave.

@FSTraining Yeah, mines been trying to communicate with them as requested by them but they aren't responding. When they do, weeks, sometimes months later, after being chased multiple times, it's changing of goal posts. Each time it's someone new that responds.

So a part of me feels like there's a breakdown in communication. That my wife doesn't quite understand what's happening and they aren't showing our letters or acting on their own in a way. However, I don't know for sure, it's been six months zero communication between us directly.

They've already been done by the ombudsman this year, I found out too.

Yeah, it will always be someone new and there will always be delays because Legal Aid work isn't something many people want to do and they will go onto something better at the first opportunity. I would love to tell you what most Family Law Legal Aid clients are really like but this post would get deleted 😂

And yeah, it doesn't surprise me if they got done by the Ombudsman.

I get the feeling they are under the assumption they are dealing with a particular type of person so, I think I know what you mean by that.

We're not sure whether has full aid yet as they haven't responded but mine seems to be under the impression it's not necessarily a bad thing if granted it.

I hope I don't get to the six month mark and really feel for you. Not being able to see or gauge the reactions and feeling of your spouse makes it hard for me to know whether she is being solicitor led (she was never an accusatory person before) and is therefore being encouraged to look for mud that might in any way stick.

I have been encouraged by people with some experience of the family courts over here saying that the Judges have seen it all before and can smell the whiff of wild allegations a mile off and that many of them are basically put in as standard by solicitors eg. that one partner is tracking the other's phone etc.