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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Partner has taken kids away and blocked contact

363 replies

JustDad46 · 26/09/2023 03:59

Hi,

Wife has been under a lot of outside strain for a few months and has been acting out of character - quite emotionally abusive and neglecting kids etc. Neither myself or the kids could talk to her without her blowing up. We actually lived avoiding her with the kids sharing their concerns with me constantly.

Eleven days ago she demanded a divorce, became surrounded by friends and family who never liked me and had blanked me for years, then phoned the police and concocted a story which, when a court looks at it will be so transparently untrue it will be crazy. She tried to take out Non-Mol and Residency Orders which the judge immediately set aside.

But it's still very hurtful to be accused groundlessly. And have friends all hypothesizing that she's cheating because she had everything in place so quickly.

But the ABSOLUTE WORST part is that I haven't seen my kids or spoken to them in ELEVEN days. It's tearing me up and she knows it will be. She took them away and I don't know where any of them are. My children's last texts show that they wanted to be with me, love me etc.

I'm not sure if this is in the right thread. i'm just very emotionally and physically exhausted and exasperated that despite everyone telling me how wrong it all is, how everyone looking at the evidence tells me I'm right, social workers are taking forever to assign a case worker, police are doing absolutely nothing an passing the buck to social workers and my solicitors DESPITE there being welfare risks to my two kids from a third party and neglect and emotional abuse history from my wife. My solicitors aren't finding HER solicitors very co-operative (my wife started the solicitor involvement).

Every crisis helpline and charity has supported me 100% but they are powerless. What shocks me is how common they say all this is.

Tonight, I'm grieving for my children. It's absolutely like a bereavement. I don't know where they are, if they are safe and no-one who could and should do something seems to give a damn :-(

NO orders against me nor grounds for any. I have parental responsibility and am actually the one who listened to and looked after the kids but i am the one being deprived of them.... At wit's end.

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 26/09/2023 09:19

So sorry you're going through this, it's awful and cruel.

I'm going through the same thing. Forced out, taken everything including the children, fantasy narrative with false accusations just blatant lies that make no sense at all. Nothing on me just legal threats with no basis.

Instigated solicitors themselves with threats and for communication but refusing to communicate with mine. Police can't do anything, nobody is doing anything.

Not gonna be what you want to hear but it's been six months, no contact at all won't even allow indirect, I'm that dangerous over night apparently. I have no idea how they are and neither does the entire family.

Don't wait around like I did initially, be proactive. I had to instigate court proceedings but there is a wait for that. I'm still waiting but have a date.

It's rough, it is like bereavement but remember they are still there. Don't do anything that can be used against you, it will further the narrative. Softly softly and bide your time.

Ask your solicitor about court because mine was and still is being led down the garden path on purpose, smoke and mirrors. Mine was disgusted with it and proactive and didn't take kindly to being messed around.

Ikeepmybumcheekshidden · 26/09/2023 09:31

If she is the mother of the children (and named as the mother on the birth certificate- obviously) then there's absolutely nothing the police can do without a court order.

You need to apply to the court for access. If you can’t afford a solicitor then you can represent yourself

Ikeepmybumcheekshidden · 26/09/2023 09:33

Keep on at social services. Report her to social services if you believe she's a risk to the children or is neglecting them.
Don't forget that if you're named on the birth certificate and there's no existing court order then you've legally every right to collect those children from school

Zola1 · 26/09/2023 09:46

The fact she has family and friends who hate you and have refused to speak to you for years is a red flag to me.
You say the judge set aside a CAO? Well what is the judge doing about directing contact then if you've been before a court? Was the non mol actually dismissed or is there a further hearing or trial?

Zola1 · 26/09/2023 09:46

Oh also the welfare risk from a third party comment is hidden amongst everything else..who is the third party?

Catsafterme · 26/09/2023 10:02

@Zola1 All I can make out is maybe that NMO was tried and while at it, tried to get residency in place rather than CAO?

Just thinking that's a lot of movement for 11 days or so. Unless this was going on beforehand.

I'm six months in and not even at court yet...

Jessbow · 26/09/2023 10:11

How old are the children?

Who is the third party that is involved?

Zola1 · 26/09/2023 10:47

Catsafterme · 26/09/2023 10:02

@Zola1 All I can make out is maybe that NMO was tried and while at it, tried to get residency in place rather than CAO?

Just thinking that's a lot of movement for 11 days or so. Unless this was going on beforehand.

I'm six months in and not even at court yet...

CAO replaced residency and contact orders.
I know that you can get quick movement in emergency...but a judge wouldn't dismiss the applications so this doesn't quite hang together, hopefully the OP will be able to clarify.

Kettletoast · 26/09/2023 17:25

contact families need fathers

Onestepforwardseveryday · 26/09/2023 17:43

The thing that sticks out most to me here is that her family and friends have been absent for a while and are now rallying around her.
have they stayed away because of your behaviour? Family and friends often return to support people when they have left a controlling relationship. They don’t feel they can have proper contact whilst the relationship is ongoing. the text messages from the children don’t really tell me much due to bias And influence that can exist within households.

Onestepforwardseveryday · 26/09/2023 17:46

And there is nothing here that suggests to me she is cheating. More that she has been thinking about leaving for a while and has finally plucked up the courage to do it and is sorting things out as quickly as possible so she can’t change her mind.
people with kids hardly ever just wake up in the morning and decide to leave on a whim.

Zola1 · 26/09/2023 18:46

And I'm intrigued about why the police would investigate 'something so transparently untrue its crazy'.

Original poster
JustDad46 · 26/09/2023 19:34

Thank you all for the replies. For clarity I am in Northern Ireland so unsure if the laws are slightly different regarding CAOs.

My understanding is that she applied for these orders and the judge dismissed them but ordered a review. I was summonsed yesterday to appear in court today but my barrister said it was just a first appearance and there was no point in me attending. I'm awaiting an update on today's events.

As for the police, the officer who attended has a brother who is married to my wife's cousin. Even though this conflict of interest was pointed out to him, he carried on rather than letting his partner take over.

Some friends who have been appraised of her behaviour beforehand felt that the speed things happened was indicative of an affair.

As for the kids messages, they were sent to me after police had told me to leave the house on the first evening of all of this. They were not in my presence or under my influence.

So... I have NO orders against me, am ex-police myself with TWO Chief Officer/Constable commendations, have a clear and detailed psychological clean bill of health, paid the house deposit from my wages and every mortgage payment, no criminal record etc. etc. She has been acting VERY eratically for several months before this started and has huge family stresses due to illness and death in her family, has mood-related medical diagnosis etc....

The kids have consistently expressed her emotional and physical unavailability and volatility/short temper. All of her claims in her statements I can EVIDENCE to be untrue through copies of her own texts etc...

I involved Social Services due to a risk to my kids.

DESPITE all the above, I STILL have no contact with the kids. School informs non-attendance throughout the period (on-going)...

I'd also like to take this opportunity to offer everyone else going through this a big hug and a LOT of empathy.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustDad46 · 26/09/2023 19:43

Other party involved is an older son who resides elsewhere and has engaged in inappropriate sexual behaviour in the past. Social services already aware.

The red flags above, her extended family have ostracized me for years but written letters etc saying how good I am/was. Totally bipolar attitudes towards me ;-) Luckily I have submitted the foregoing as evidence to my solicitor.

My solicitor is very proactive and have use her for another case. Very quick worker.

LIke @Catsafterme sh instigated orders and communication via solicitors only but hasn't responded to my solicitors. I keep being told by experienced people that this WILL get sorted out. It's just the time that's doing my head in. It feels like I'm doing prison time for nothing.

Meanwhile, the oldest boy who is the risk, may be having access to the other two, something they both consistently voiced their dissent to! After all, the initial argument flared from the other half over moving him back in!
ARRRRRGHH!

OP posts:
Whattodo112222 · 26/09/2023 19:49

Women like your wife make it horrendously difficult for women who are real victims of domestic abuse to be believed in courts.

I sincerely hope you get your children back with you.

Original poster
JustDad46 · 26/09/2023 20:29

Thank You @Whattodo112222 That is a really good point. I've been informed by a long-time senior social worker (as a friend) that judges see all this malarkey all the time and are familiar with all the out-of-the-air claims such as "He may be tracking my phone remotely" etc...

I hope he's right!

OP posts:
Original poster
JustDad46 · 26/09/2023 20:31

Just for clarity, a CAO is what? A Child Access Order? I think we have different terms in different parts of the UK.

OP posts:
Zola1 · 26/09/2023 20:36

JustDad46 · 26/09/2023 20:29

Thank You @Whattodo112222 That is a really good point. I've been informed by a long-time senior social worker (as a friend) that judges see all this malarkey all the time and are familiar with all the out-of-the-air claims such as "He may be tracking my phone remotely" etc...

I hope he's right!

If she says you're tracking her phone presumably she has some kind of evidence for this.. if her claims are transparently untrue and the police know its 'crazy' then why were you told to leave the house?

I'm a long term senior social worker..manager actually.. and your mate sounds like a misogynistic victim blamer. Women don't make up domestic abuse because they're cheating on you. If she wanted to leave you for someone else why would she cause herself all this stress and chaos, why not just go?
If you are implying her older son poses a sexual risk to your children then surely it wouldn't take 'ages for a case worker to be assigned' if youve contacted children's services about this.
I would suggest the Judge made the decision not to make the order ex parte and that you've been given the opportunity to respond to the application

Livinghappy · 26/09/2023 21:57

How old are the children?

Catsafterme · 26/09/2023 23:18

@Zola1 I think he was just using that as an example rather than it being the case here.

You may not think it's likely but some women are like that, which is true in my case. Mine was abusive and this is all an extension of that, controlling behavior. It's not just me either, it's the entire family nobody has seen or spoken to my children at all.

There is nothing anyone can do, it's all a strategic game by and abuser who is manipulating every single channel and resource available to them, posing as a victim.

It is what @Whattodo112222 said, diminishing the efforts of women who are actually trying to escape abuse or keep the children away from abusers. Mine are with the abuser, I'm in a role reversal and damn right I'll fight to keep them safe just like any mother would in this situation.

Knitgoodwoman · 26/09/2023 23:24

Are social services not doing anything about the school non attendance?

Original poster
JustDad46 · 27/09/2023 05:54

@Catsafterme, you are 100% correct. As for the poolice, they closed the incident stating that "no offences were disclosed or suspected". Their stated reason for asking me to leave was that they were concerned for my mental well-being (which I don't believe for a second - they were de-escalating so that any further call-outs would be when they were off-shift...that's the game and I know it too well).

OP posts:
Velvian · 27/09/2023 06:08

How old are the children @JustDad46 ? Is the older son your son too?

leopardprintismyfavourite · 27/09/2023 06:47

@JustDad46 a CAO is a child arrangement order (a C100) which in England allows you to make a request to the court for child arrangements. It also enables you to do so in emergencies or without notice, where you believe there’s a risk of harm, and in theory those cases should be heard quicker although my experience is that while the judge issues directions quicker, the process is still long.

I don’t know the law in Northern Ireland so I wouldn’t like to speculate but it may help others who do, if you can outline exactly what your solicitor has done on a child custody application level.

OP posts: