No Contact, missing kids, angry Ex

[Morconfusednow]

Going to keep it simple, STBXW and I first separated over two years ago, we’d been living separately but still very much in a relationship after a few weeks of talking.
I worked away causing almost all our issues, admittedly she was my rock through many tough times and always had been very reasonable regarding my access to the kids even when we had 2 periods of not being together ourselves since originally separating.
This year things went from worse to worse this year with continued bickering and petty arguments, a couple of months ago I said it would be better to continue with the divorce due to multiple things just not feeling good.
3 days after that I get sent a text requesting no contact and informed I’d been blocked on all social media thus isolating me from seeing the kids.
3 times I contacted her I had the police visit my house.
I alway have contacted the kids via iPads or phones but feeling these messages aren’t getting through to them now.
Today I’ve heard my ex is certain I am having an affair and if she can’t find out who she will be send the police to my house as she thinks I’ve been sitting for months Sri king and taking drugs, funny thing is the only people that have been in my house since she went NC is the police.
Until now I haven’t contacted solicitors as I had thought she might have calmed down but today I contact SS and an option is they can do drum and alcohol tests to disprove her claims and do a home visit of my home to make their own mind on my ability to have my kids.
would I be wrong to go down this route to prove what she thinks isn’t true and the reality is I’ve sat alone in silence trying to keep the future peace no wanting to escalate things but I’m struggling to see another way.

I’m not about to go in to personals on career prospects, but I will add wile I missed over 3/4 of my kids lives my successful career allowed my ex to be the best parent the kids could ask for the last 9 years, Yes you are that allowed me to travel anywhere for work but in reality it has come with a major impact on a relationship/marriage even tho that was the career work pattern I had when we met just add kids to that and while my ex was able to be at home as the years went on she started to resent being effectively a single parent. Most importantly the relationship I have with the kids, I’ll never get that back and look forward to the day they are old enough understand it wasn’t a case of just leaving them.

@Deathbyfluffy yes you are absolutely correct, one comment made to me from a friend of the ex was go to a solicitor you will see you kids in a few days %#%#% has got legal aid and her solicitor is waiting for your move 👌
but what if I don’t want to play games?

I can see you have failed to answer my questions, unsurprisingly.

Though I have another one. Why did your wife feel it necessary to call the police after you contacted her?

Ok.

So are you willing to take a pay cut if it means being a present co-parent in their lives? If you were offered 50/50 care would you take it?

You need to be willing to be an equal and present parent if you wish to show the court that the children are your priority.

Lots of people (primarily mothers) take pay cuts / stop career progression etc in order to facilitate the reality of childcare and Parenting responsibilities.

The relationship ending means you'll have to do the same really.

Because I’m so heard to go the third time she went no contact.
TBH I have no definitive reason for the no contact as all I got was a message stating so no explanation maybe because I took a little control back by asking for the divorce we could guess till we are blue in the face will never know but I received the very straightforward and to the point message to which I replied {😂}<~~~ yes that emoji was a reply after a NC statement police were at my house 12 minutes later so I am certain they were at hers 10 minutes away when she hit send.
All part of her big game and I fell straight in to the trap, and by the way it’s all that pathetic I’ve never been arrested or charged because it’s a bullshit power play that she is currently winning because i refused to get play her games.

3 times I contacted her I had the police visit my house.

What did the police question you about on those three occasions? What accusations of criminal behaviour were they investigating?

@tattychicken

Ok so I assume you are referring to children's services when you say ss. Children's services will not get involved unless there are significant safety concerns for whatever reason. They will not and cannot drug test a person to aid in contact arrangements, that is a private law matter and children's services have no legal authority in such. The only reason they would advise or intervene is if there have been previous significant concerns and involvements or if there is evidence of such. A parent ringing and saying ex is a risk would not suffice unless there was solid evidence. It happens every day. In the case of significant or previous concerns in relation to a private contact arrangements order children's services will only provide what is requested by court, which is usually a recommendation report based on evidence of harm. Even then children's services have no legal authority to force contact or even stop contact, that is decided by court only. They will not drug test you. If you want a drug test you need to pay for one privately.
You can pay to go to a contact centre but again this is a private matter and would not involve children's services unless you had already been to court and at a finding of facts it had been discovered that there was a risk to your children. Even if you pay for a contact centre (not sure why you would) no one can force your ex to bring the children there.

I have no idea if your ex has legal aid or your friend was telling the truth but what I will say is that the criteria for legal aid is very tight. Long gone are the days when lots of people got legal aid, it's very difficult to get and only granted in cases of significant abuse. I'm not going to accuse you of abuse but if you're ex has been given legal aid and children's services are of have been involved or have even hinted they may become involved I would urge you to fully reflect on your own actions. That together would indicate to me that there have been incidents in your relationship that you have not shared on here. In which case all advice will be irrelevant and incorrect.

Any parent can stop contact for whatever reason and it is up to the other parent to initiate proceedings. Even if she has a solicitor they will not act unless first contacted by you or yours even if years go by.

Your only course of action here is to seek proper legal advice and to be completely honest with them.

If she's got legal aid then there's more to this story OP. It isn't granted easily nowadays.

Ok thanks. I know you said you've never been arrested or charged, but did the police ever speak with you about stalking or harassment?

@monsteramunch

1. 😂
2. asking what was up with Kids devices as I hadn’t heard from them.
3. asking if there was anything I could sort for them going back to school

No contact means no contact she has the police in speed dial the police think it’s a joke but needed to come and advise me not to have ANY contact. some men do actually get a raw deal, it’s people like my ex make it hard for people who are going through domestic violence to be take seriously.

To add to this, mine has legal aid seemingly without any evidence. Although, there's been hardly any communication at all and they haven't responded to the application. So, I'm not sure whether is represented still or how she even got it in the first place.

So your friend may be right but as far as I was aware you needed evidence to do so.

You seem in a similar situation to me, albeit not quite along the same lines but it's power plays it seems so far.

@tattychicken NO SEE ABOVE, they couldn’t keep a straight face and acknowledge it was a joke but a request of no contact is exactly

Her friend and my guess is once the police called that was her back up, who knows.

@Morconfusednow From what I understand there needs to be evidence like police reports, criminal charges or records etc. Also, in order for it to be taken on it needs a good chance of being successful in court. That's what I read anyway whether that's true.

The way mine has played out makes no logical sense, I was already a SAHD, I saw the children afterwards and on my own then out of nowhere I'm dangerous without any police or ss involvement. Just bang legal aid threats now I'm tied.

My solicitor can't make any sense of it either because of the requirements for legal aid and the way it's all happened. However, have found those legal aid solicitors have been done this year by the ombudsman. Not one correspondence has any details of our situation correct from them, just I've basically been treated like I've come out of prison. Which I haven't.

@Lizlibrarian firstly I’d like to thank you for your reply.
you seem to have the start 3/4’s and end your response has been answered throughout this thread, if you would have taken the time to read it properly you wouldn’t have needed to write such an essay which also contains you own opinions suggestions of what the facts are and I can tell you on my mothers grave you are wrong. Please read before commenting such a statement

The police service are seriously over stretched at the moment. That they arrived at your door 12 minutes after you texted her shows there is far more to this than you are admitting.

She has asked you not to contact her and you have ignored this request.

Several visits to your home by police.

She's got legal aid.

You're worried she's been talking about you being aggressive to the children.

She has shut down her social media. You have tracked her movements through mutual friends.

She has previously lied to you about her whereabouts.

I think most posters here can see what has been happening. I wish your wife and children all the best with their new life.

If you can avoid the SS route I would. Once they are in the system that's it. I suggest getting legal advice and going to court if necessary. Start today. Are you paying maintenance?

And forgot to mention the history of substance abuse.

I'm not sure what the "😂" is for? None of this seems funny to me.

You say the police arrived at your home 10-12 minutes after you sent the message she called them about.

It's unheard of to get a police response time of that speed for serious crimes, let alone what you say is at best a report of the first unwanted message after NC is requested.

It seems far more credible to me that she reported you made a threat to her, there is a background of previous reports to the police that meant they had additional cause for concern or they didn't arrive within that kind of time frame after all.

@tattychicken seriously 1st part as I said the police had to of been present in her house when the text was sent.
I seen nothing on her or any friends social media which I am blocked from (not shut down), nor have I ever or will ever track her.
I said I assumed the pathetic excuse of having the police her might have been enough to grant her legal aid I couldn’t tell you if she has it or not for certain.
no I’m aware of my children living with her and didn’t want to have her upset if I escalated things by way of solicitors etc because if she is upset the kids will see that.
I also wish her all the best but you have bent facts to suit your own narrative which I can happily hold my head up high saying you are completely ignorant and wrong.

@monsteramunch my following message asking what it was all about bounced back. The laughing face was exactly that because it was that out of the blue at the time I thought it was a joke

@monsteramunch 💯 there was no previous reports I said the police must have been with her when she sent the text, this was the morning after I asked for divorce and this was her escalation.
honestly all the facts are in the thread and it’s disgusting that’s a few of you are making assumptions of something other that what has been said, sorry yous have come to that conclusion but the reality is some ex’s just try to turn the screw. I have said what the police visits were for that is the face.

shameful comment

Your writing style is confusing and it's hard to make out what is fact, what is supposition and sometimes which specific posts you're replying to.

there was no previous reports I said the police must have been with her when she sent the text, this was the morning after I asked for divorce and this was her escalation.

You're saying that she must have been with the police and (without any prior involvement from the police in your relationship) sent a text saying she wants no further contact with you, then because you responded to that post, they immediately went to your home and... what? And said 'you're not to contact her as she requested no contact'? To which your reply would surely be 'well how do I organise seeing my children if I can't contact her' to which their reply would be to engage a solicitor.

I can't see how else that visit from the police would have gone if you're being honest that there's been no prior involvement, no threats were made and you weren't arrested.