No Contact, missing kids, angry Ex

[Morconfusednow]

Going to keep it simple, STBXW and I first separated over two years ago, we’d been living separately but still very much in a relationship after a few weeks of talking.
I worked away causing almost all our issues, admittedly she was my rock through many tough times and always had been very reasonable regarding my access to the kids even when we had 2 periods of not being together ourselves since originally separating.
This year things went from worse to worse this year with continued bickering and petty arguments, a couple of months ago I said it would be better to continue with the divorce due to multiple things just not feeling good.
3 days after that I get sent a text requesting no contact and informed I’d been blocked on all social media thus isolating me from seeing the kids.
3 times I contacted her I had the police visit my house.
I alway have contacted the kids via iPads or phones but feeling these messages aren’t getting through to them now.
Today I’ve heard my ex is certain I am having an affair and if she can’t find out who she will be send the police to my house as she thinks I’ve been sitting for months Sri king and taking drugs, funny thing is the only people that have been in my house since she went NC is the police.
Until now I haven’t contacted solicitors as I had thought she might have calmed down but today I contact SS and an option is they can do drum and alcohol tests to disprove her claims and do a home visit of my home to make their own mind on my ability to have my kids.
would I be wrong to go down this route to prove what she thinks isn’t true and the reality is I’ve sat alone in silence trying to keep the future peace no wanting to escalate things but I’m struggling to see another way.

Honest opinion: you are full of crap.

Practical advice: www.gov.uk/looking-after-children-divorce/apply-for-court-order all the information you need. Get a solicitor or represent yourself, follow the steps and go to court. Good luck.

You want to phone me? Thats incredibly wierd and slightly creepy

But no I won't be PMing a strange man on the internet so that he can call me and tell me all about his awful ex and how nothings his fault 🙄

For close to home I presume you mean you are assuming I'm a single mum with conect issues with an ex?

I'm not. I have no kids. I'm not divorced. If you don't want to be asked questions by a stranger then don't post on social media. And your "offer" to come and have a conversation with you is reminiscent of "shall we take this outside"

Do you always speak to women so aggressively?

Thanks very much for your opinion, I’m fully aware I can fight and get access, what happens when is supposed to be my days in I’m stuck in Europe unable to get home 1st 2nd or 3rd strike?
I Know this is the route that will have to be taken but honestly fear what lies ahead.

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus

@Ifeelsuchflutterings good at least we are on the same page to day,

No offense was just trying to help as I'm further down the road, although mine doesn't involve SS.

What I was meaning was, if your ex is preventing contact for whatever reason, be that safety or drink, I believe nobody can make her reinstate contact other than Court with a court order.

You could go down the route of SS and they do a report and say you are okay but I don't think they can go, 'he's fine let him see the children'.

Likewise you could suggest contact centre but that needs both parties to do it and she doesn't arrange or go, nobody can force her to.

She could ignore solicitors, ignore MIAM and wait for court. You'll then be months down the line and have got no further along.

You're putting a lot of faith into SS and your ex coming round or calming down. What if she doesn't...

@Ifeelsuchflutterings asking you to pm me and offering you outside are completely opposite ends of the aggressiveness scale, you seemed to have more personal unrelated to kids questions than anyone else, my original post was about looking at different ways to see my kids, yet you state you don’t have any.
I wish you a good day and that’s the last I’ll be replying to you.

You get a different job that doesn't require you to travel abroad. If that's impossible you make your position known in court and see what they decide/suggest, if you still get given set days, you see them the next time when it's your day and you are in the country.

Not having kids doesn't mean I lack common sense, experience of seeing women on the other side of this many times etc

But I'm glad you've decided now I don't have kids you don't want to talk to me any more. That kind of logic makes perfect sense.

@JibbaJab thanks for the reply and I appreciate you are further down the road, I can’t imagine this going on the same length as yours. Have you a court date or anything yet?
It is kind of getting annoying now as not once have I said SS will get me access to the kids. (I WILL BE USING WHAT THEY FIND AS AN ADDITIONAL BACKUP IN MY CORNER FOR COURT SHOULD IT GET THERE) please Folks reads that @JibbaJab that comment is for everyone

Oh I see, that makes more sense. The way it came across was that you weren't going to go to court and relying on social services.

Yes I applied while trying to regain access earlier on but it's months away. In my case absolutely everything has been ignored so far, I believe also court application but I can't say for sure yet.

Bear in mind when you apply for court before hearing you speak to CAFCASS, who will carry out their own investigation and they send a report to court. So, not sure whether they take SS into account but I believe they are the only ones the court takes into account.

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus it’s definitely not impossible but financial suicide and it’s also a career I’ve had years before I met my EX all the kids have known is me being away3/4 of their lives.
I know what your saying about the set days and missing time if would have been unable to be a home say the week before I get home, it was threatened last year exactly that scenario, I accepted then that I had no fight, another bit of background as to why I have been hesitant in involving anyone 🤞🏻 I would have seen the kids already

Just get a contact order sorted. It’s not that deep.

@JibbaJab thanks for the reply the information is informative , unfortunately probably will be needed in the future.

@Feverly I know that now, I had less knowledge when I first asked the question least night so thank you and every other poster who offered advice, even the cut throat straight to the point but still good advice. My only concern with your suggestion is what happens if I miss contact dates, I know this will happen if set dates are laid out,

That's the decision you need to make as a parent though I think.

In order to have guaranteed access and a regular, stable contact schedule with your children to maintain and nurture your relationship with them, you'll need to find employment that makes that possible. That means employment with regular hours / locations that aren't in conflict with the schedule you agree.

Nobody is saying that might not take a hit on your finances, I'm sure it will, but it's part of being a present parent and committed coparent.

Your ex partner has previously had to ensure she was available at all times necessary to facilitate the hours / locations you were previously working, for the financial benefit of the family.

Now you aren't a couple, she cannot be obliged to do that indefinitely. And the kids need regular, stable contact ideally.

So it's you that needs to accommodate the schedule, not the other way around.

You will miss out on the days when you're not there and see them the next time. If she doesn't let you and it's your day you can go back to court.You can't force your ex to rearrange if she doesn't want you and she can't force you to see the kids on your set date. At worst, she could take you back to court(at her expense) to make changes to the original arrangement, but that's unlikely.

Just get the ball rolling, and stop worrying about the what ifs. Best case scenario, you manage to sort it all at mediation if she attends.

What a stupid post. Why should men have to go to court at their cost to see their kids?
Why is it on men to secure contact, when the woman should just allow it regardless unless there's a very good reason?

It pisses me off no end that women can seemingly get away with withholding contact, and when the man has finally spend £10k+ on a decent solicitor to secure access (through no fault of their own) the woman doesn't have to pay half of it back.

This women is missing out on a £1000 financial support a month by withholding contact, from a man stalking her social media, with a drink problem who is still drinking, what makes you think she doesn't have a good reason?

Many women also have to pay 1000s in court for contact arrangements. Unfortunately if it cannot be settled amicably that's just the way it is

If the OP doesn't want to pay they can also self represent, that's another option. But I was suggesting legal advice rather than going via social services and I'm hardly the only person on the thread to do so.

Telling him he shouldn't have to go to court and he shouldn't have to pay is hardly helpful in terms of him getting his children back is it?

I've no idea why some men have decided that this and the relationships board is the place to come to slag off single mothers

Is reddit full or something?

There are clearly those that do, for some reason, I don't know what purpose that serves.

However, just like with men some women aren't good people either so it's hard to tell. My situation for example, I have actually done nothing wrong, she's out to destroy me and I'm paying CMS because, well it's the right thing to do regardless of the situation. Unfortunately mine has an aim to be a single mother, or should I say a lone parent by erasing me but that isn't the case at all. I was a SAHD too, it was me that raised them.

Obviously my case isn't the same as here but for me at least she's actually making herself off worse in every way, makes no sense.

At the end of the day, that's just how it is you have no choice other than to go to court which costs money, no other way around it, as you said.

@monsteramunch I do see and understand what you are saying, actually tried and tested getting work locally, I’ve now been back for 3 months and all that I e got is divorce back on the table NC with ex or kids and I’d have to step back15 years specialised in my field of work to take a job at 1/6 if my last 5 years salary, and as much as that hurt I tried but when talking to companies 4 of all said I’m over qualified and couldn’t take me on because they believed I would be away in the near future. So yea that leaves me with the option of accepting one of 3 contracts away like I’ve always done.

If your job has been so well paid for the last five years that (for example) a minimum wage job would only be 1/6th of that salary, surely you have some savings? In which case you can use them to invest in some retraining if you genuinely can't find a job at a less senior level within your current industry.

It's unfortunate and I understand it feels unfair but this is the reality of being a parent I guess. Having to work around your parenting responsibilities when you are no longer in a couple.

As I said, the only reason you could be a parent while doing the job you've been doing is because the other parent was willing and able to be available to your children to the extent your hours and location could be completely flexible without you having to consider childcare / access.

That isn't the case any more and something has got to give. It sounds like it will need to be your salary unfortunately.

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus thanks for the advice, behind waiting for the storm would pass the missing dedicated days was another of a few reasons not go legal because I thought I’d damage contact, you make a good point on the revisit to court, I guess it’s going to have to be a gamble on what happens