No Contact, missing kids, angry Ex

[Morconfusednow]

Going to keep it simple, STBXW and I first separated over two years ago, we’d been living separately but still very much in a relationship after a few weeks of talking.
I worked away causing almost all our issues, admittedly she was my rock through many tough times and always had been very reasonable regarding my access to the kids even when we had 2 periods of not being together ourselves since originally separating.
This year things went from worse to worse this year with continued bickering and petty arguments, a couple of months ago I said it would be better to continue with the divorce due to multiple things just not feeling good.
3 days after that I get sent a text requesting no contact and informed I’d been blocked on all social media thus isolating me from seeing the kids.
3 times I contacted her I had the police visit my house.
I alway have contacted the kids via iPads or phones but feeling these messages aren’t getting through to them now.
Today I’ve heard my ex is certain I am having an affair and if she can’t find out who she will be send the police to my house as she thinks I’ve been sitting for months Sri king and taking drugs, funny thing is the only people that have been in my house since she went NC is the police.
Until now I haven’t contacted solicitors as I had thought she might have calmed down but today I contact SS and an option is they can do drum and alcohol tests to disprove her claims and do a home visit of my home to make their own mind on my ability to have my kids.
would I be wrong to go down this route to prove what she thinks isn’t true and the reality is I’ve sat alone in silence trying to keep the future peace no wanting to escalate things but I’m struggling to see another way.

@LylaLee again I know I was stupid but I waited the two months hoping I would see my ex being herself, what is currently happening is not what we had ever talked about, remember this is the third time we as a couple split, access to kids previously had never been an issue

@JibbaJab that’s exactly it they determine me and my house safe, my solicitor can’t do that

@JibbaJab
Yes I think I might have answered this above, and TBH you are in a similar situation but longer, your replies offer no factual information other than your own personal experience which is brutal and hope and pray I don’t have to wait as late g as you.
I have asked as stated in the original post advice of SS (NO NAMES GIVEN) you are incorrect that only a court can get you access to you kids the SS are another child safe guarding agency, I will add her the safety of my kids is 100% not under question, but despite what some here might think they are also willing to support a parent who is being kept from their young kids lives, I originally asked the mothers if they thought this would be an acceptable options.

@Ifeelsuchflutterings
my apologies I missed your last paragraph, I was out of work of 2 months before informing my WIFE certainly at the time I was running out of money fast and was no longer able to continue paying what I was and when things fell in to place I would backdate what I’d missed possible 3-4 weeks.
🤯🤣😂 10 days she lasted before NC, if I knew she would have been that easy pissed off it would have been done years ago.
that’s why there was a break and I Co tasted CMS

You keep adding new information and changing your story.

@Ifeelsuchflutterings and @LylaLee have summed up the situation and what you need to do.

Solicitor first. Mediation. Court. Straightforward. Keep SS out unless needed. You can do a private drug test if your lawyer or the mediator think it’s necessary or helpful.

Stop messing around if you actually want to see your kids. It’s irrelevant if she’s out with friends, that is allowed.

OP, I really think you need legal advice. Save your energy and speak to a solicitor rather than justify your actions in forum geared for women.

Why would she call you? This is your problem not hers.

When have you last seen the kids and what age are they? The only option open to you is mediation and court. Work out what the CMS amount should be, start putting that in an account as if she requests back pay. She'll get it. Stop feeling sorry for yourself- sue has decided to make it, according to your post, acrimonious, so wringing your hands as saying what shall I do is pointless. With your current work schedule is it regular, and what contact are you looking for? Start at that, stop contacting her, and start the process of actually trying to see your kids legally.

@AngryBirdsNoMore you’re an idiot the only NEW information I have provided is answering a previous poster’s question and I will continue to do so on any concerns members ha we, I have called you an idiot because in my original post I stated I constantly told my ex to go out with friends, my ex drank a few glasses of wine at Christmas and New Year’s Eve and a rare occasion throughout the year.
I would have had absolutely no problem with her going out enjoying a night with friends as as as above I actively encouraged her to but she apparently never wanted to, there was no jealousy again I actively told her to go out, I was working away and when away out most weekends which she was aware off because that’s the things you tell a partner.
my issue is not that it make any difference as we are now definitely finished, but finding out She was actually out plenty when she was texting me saying she was having a bath then “that’s me in bed now babe I love you night night”

but if you think that’s ok I’ll assume you’re single or do you parter a favour and end it. Just incase you missed It wanted my ex to go out more but pretending to be in bed when actually out doesn’t sit right with me.

@Morconfusednow she seemed to have a lot of questions unanswered

@montecarlo7

@Passe i was looking for an honest opinion, because I know that my friends have been advising is for my benefit

@SD1978 thank you for your factual reply using the original post as your reference.
I have been putting the money away as advised by CMS.
my work schedule is somewhat sporadic after over 10 year it isn’t a surprise, I was told before this time “me and the kids no longer work around your work” and previous when threatened with the if your not back for your time you miss out, I replied completely understand and accept if you want to put dates on everything going forward, this time however was a complete shutdown.

@Morconfusednow- not being able to provide regular, stable dates can sometimes be seen as an issue- although as someone who has an ex with a rotating roster we (I) accepted that a 'set' days arrangement was not going to work or be fair- so it did rotate and whilst many will say that's not in the child's best interest, and for some kids maybe it isn't, with good communication our daughter has done well and continues to- sue is told when she will be with the other parent, there is a wall diary to give her a visual understanding but it's tough and does require communicating, and a schedule far enough in advance for both of us that we get to make plans. Can you provide a EOW and mid week request?

@SD1978 thank you for your understanding and factual reply. I said previously prior to this madness we did have two period 6-8 weeks and almost identical to what you said rotations were communicated, apart from the initial threat there was never an issue. I do realise when I do work my EX carries the burden of everything, I guess personally for me this time it reached a different level and I haven’t been involved at all even tho I am only 10 minutes away, loads have asked why I haven’t been to back to work. I’ve been hoping things would have gotten better amicably and quietly sat waiting for it.

Why did she need them answered? This is your situation (a stranger on the internet) not hers.

@Morconfusednow You keep saying that Social Services can get you access to your children, but I think you may have been misinformed, or misunderstood advice that they have given. As you mentioned in your original post, they can certainly provide an assessment of whether they consider your home is safe to attend - but if your ex says she still doesn't want you to have contact, what happens then? This is why previous posters are recommending that you devise a schedule of contact and negotiate with your ex, or go to mediation so that you can try and reach an agreement with your ex. Please, please read the Advice Now guides at the link at the top of this forum e.g. https://www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/sorting-out-child-arrangements You will see the options available to you are as follows:

1. reaching an agreement between yourselves,
2. using a family mediation service,
3. using solicitors to negotiate on your behalf, or
4. applying to the court if you can’t reach an agreement.

You've said you don't want to do 3 and 4, but there are lots more things you can try regarding 1 and 2 (such as using a parenting plan) that don't require Social Services involvement and are designed to get you and your ex to reach an agreement. https://www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parenting-together/parenting-plan/

> You're an idiot

You come on here asking for help. Then you insult people who take time to help you.

If someone's house was on fire, would they run around saying 'I don't know what to do!'? Maybe if they were in a panic, but the correct response is to call a fire engine.

If someone's dog is sick, you take the dog to the vet.

If your leg is sore you go to the doctor.

If you are not allowed to see your children, you go to a solicitor.

The 'idiot' here isn't the person who took time out to help a stranger.

Your situation is not at all unique or complicated. It has a simple solution.

I would suggest you step away from Mumsnet and put your time and energy towards a solicitor.

@montecarlo7 to put the posters mind at rest if you go to the earliest replies from @Ifeelsuchflutterings maybe my post was close to home I do not know, but I definitely felt I was receiving unnecessary questioning (FROM A STRANGER) and if the poster had such a problem and so many questions needing answers I suggested come and have a conversation with me, same for anyone else.
Is the that ok with you?

@nonrevertarinultus I will reply to the rest of your comment soon.
”I keep saying social services will give me access to my kids”

not once have I said that.
to save you looking back they can provide back up by statement on viewing my home is acceptable for my kids, I am wanting to have on record a drug and alcohol test because of accusations, 5 weeks ago I had through a medical for work, but guess what I know my ex will say that was 5 weeks ago!!!!!

I'd say there's a reason she find about staying in when she actually is going out, and doesn't post about it on her social media. You found this out by seeing a photo on a friend of a friends page, did you go digging for that? You're implying she is seeing someone else, did you previously accuse her of meeting someone after "encouraging " her to go out?

You say she's previously accused you of being aggressive, what lead her to say that?

You say you are now in control of your drinking. Were you drinking last night when you stayed up most of the night posting multiple ranty posts repeating yourself and contradicting yourself and not taking an ounce of the sound advice offered on board?

• she lied not she find

@LylaLee apologies for calling you an idiot, yes I am the idiot for letting this drag on this far, I was was annoyed at your original reply about not taking action.
I know it’s not to everyone’s guidelines but you need to understand not every situation is as black and white as we would like it to be. I can’t fault my Ex on her parenting and with me working away what arguments did have???
I honestly thought the anger of the NC would have subsided, I had taken a back seat and remained quiet thinking the madness would have calmed down. Sorry if I offended you felt a bit attacked at that time when I all I was trying to do was ask genuine opinions from a mums perspective.

@nonrevertarinultus as I said I would would get back to the rest of your message, thanks you for the information you provided.
I apologise for my sharp response to the first part of your reply.

@tattychicken I never said I was aggressive??? Please elaborate!!!

Not that it needs justification to you a stranger firing accusations, but I was on a teams meetings for a job in a slightly different time zone.
I have said multiple times I actively encouraged my ex to go out, I was out without questions (Trust) and equally I felt the same about my ex.
anything else you want to ask ever so nicely?