No Contact, missing kids, angry Ex

[Morconfusednow]

Going to keep it simple, STBXW and I first separated over two years ago, we’d been living separately but still very much in a relationship after a few weeks of talking.
I worked away causing almost all our issues, admittedly she was my rock through many tough times and always had been very reasonable regarding my access to the kids even when we had 2 periods of not being together ourselves since originally separating.
This year things went from worse to worse this year with continued bickering and petty arguments, a couple of months ago I said it would be better to continue with the divorce due to multiple things just not feeling good.
3 days after that I get sent a text requesting no contact and informed I’d been blocked on all social media thus isolating me from seeing the kids.
3 times I contacted her I had the police visit my house.
I alway have contacted the kids via iPads or phones but feeling these messages aren’t getting through to them now.
Today I’ve heard my ex is certain I am having an affair and if she can’t find out who she will be send the police to my house as she thinks I’ve been sitting for months Sri king and taking drugs, funny thing is the only people that have been in my house since she went NC is the police.
Until now I haven’t contacted solicitors as I had thought she might have calmed down but today I contact SS and an option is they can do drum and alcohol tests to disprove her claims and do a home visit of my home to make their own mind on my ability to have my kids.
would I be wrong to go down this route to prove what she thinks isn’t true and the reality is I’ve sat alone in silence trying to keep the future peace no wanting to escalate things but I’m struggling to see another way.

You can't force her to take the children to a contact centre though is what I'm saying. Court does.

@Zola1 You'd think that as did I but apparently not. That's all that's on the cards for me too, although it's not materialised.

In my case I haven't done anything and I've done, I believe everything in the right way but yeah, supervised... even before court. Solicitors head is turning a bit because it makes no sense.

OP, there’s quite a lot of drip feed in your posts, including your use of alcohol, the fact it sounds like you worked away all the time (?), and the fact that you weren’t happy your ex had made a social life for herself in your absence. It doesn’t sound as reasonable as you’d made yourself out to be in the OP.

Alcohol use can be a reason a contact centre can be appropriate but as others have said, contact centres are for cases where there are safeguarding risks. So why are you even bringing that up, here or with your ex?

As others have said, find a mediator and ask their advice on seeking to mediate with your ex. That may help the issues or, if not, it will allow you to get a MIAM which you need in order to go to court.

Than if need be, go to court.

oh - and be very honest with your lawyer. It benefits no one to fudge the truth, including owning up to failings in the marriage and not sugar coating these. The truth will out and it’ll just up your legal fees and piss off a judge.

Solicitors - MIAM - Court.

I would personally say SS was the wrong call because it may go against as trying to cause issues. That's what I was advised and they won't act on your behalf, only the childrens. Doesn't matter if they find you safe, only court can decide that.

@Zola1 i called SS on and had a chat stating the current situation without giving names and even tho I can show a work medical drug and & alcohol test, if they were to get involved they would need a home visit and obviously with the accusations I told them them they would want me to to take a test at one of their appointed centres, but what I want clarified is if clear myself of the accusations does that automatically allow me normal access to the kids or will I have just introduced SS to their lives?

Because she went no contact and we previously had a cash arrangement for anything that they needed, obviously in her benefit but it is what it was

@JibbaJab I am not forcing a contact centre it’s what I am being told is the first step and think it’s completely wrong especially where there kids are concerned

@JibbaJab also not what I was told on the phone, I explained the situation and was told they can do a house visit at mine which will be 100% not a problem, because of the accusations I said they would need to to a drug test, then despite what PP have said they said they can act as an intermediary, what I am asking are they talking shit or/and if involved will they be sticking their nose in from here on in?

@AngryBirdsNoMore I have brought alcohol up because in the past certainly I would have had no problem going out out when my ex was being the best mum that she was/is, as previously said it’s well over 2 years since the kids seen me drunk and maybe 3 time in that period with a drink in my hand. I felt the need to say it because that is what’s being used against me despite the changes I have made

@AngryBirdsNoMore not once did I say my ex made a social life in my absence?????

You were in a relationship with this woman for several years and you have no idea of her bank details to continue paying maintenence?

I'm guessing that poster is referring to this:

I worked away and when I finally came home and thought we’d be seeing each other more, guess what that didn’t work around all her new appointments that I new nothing about till I stopped working.

Where you worked away expecting your ex to be the sole person looking after the kids and when you came back you seem disgruntled her life hadn't stood still and instead she had things going on that you didn't know about

Not entirely sure but I was under the impression SS would get involved, depending on circumstances speak to both but I'm not sure how much they can do terms of regaining contact or facilitating that.

I'm not sure they have the power to make contact start up again, I think it's more in cases of welfare concerns for the children they may be able to do things where there are concerns found.

They may well find you safe for example and say that or suggest that but I don't think they can actually make it happen as that's decided in court if mediation etc fails.

Like, I'm waiting on court hearing to regain contact as all other options have been ignored but until then there isn't much I can do but wait.

Every parent has the right to see their children.

The only reason a parent will be stopped from seeing their children is if they are deemed to be a danger, e.g. convicted pedophiles.

Even if they are alcoholics for example, a contact centre will be used as a safe place to make contact.

If the other parent is not giving access to the children, you go to court and the court will order it.

You haven't even bothered to start the process.

@Ifeelsuchflutterings of course I knew this woman’s bank details but let’s get one fact straight when she informed me of no contact no explanation I sent a laughing face as a reply which got through followed by another text seriously where has this come from never did I think we would be in this situation especially while the kids are so young, that failed to send, We lived separately for over two years and all money matters talked about £14,000 the previous 2 years in direct transactions between my account to hers, always discussed.
Now SHE went no contact I was unable to know what she needed so went CMS is the only legal thing I have done.

So at a quick calculation you were paying around £500-£600 a month so it would be pretty straightforward to set up a DD for that

Nevertheless I understand why you went to CMS, sort of, I assume this means you got it all sorted and are now paying again then?

@LylaLee I know this it’s not what the original post was about I hat in the previous post and a few reply’s said the same, I did not want to aggravate or escalate the situation, I had believed by now my ex might have went back to her normal self, but now I have had enough and starting to look a ways because, while I have remained quite and calm waiting it has went against me in the bigger picture because I didn’t fight, Fucked up society but I didn’t expect this.

@Ifeelsuchflutterings I was being told for the previous two years me working away was the biggest problem/blocker for us moving forward and living together as a family again, to the point I Fucked off a very well paid job, sat in my own house week after week then started asking to talk after kids drop off, (2 miles from my house) 5 weeks of that we had issues never got sorted because of all the new appointments and such a busy life my EX had, when I’d been told for the previous 2 years I needed to be home I know it was two late but I would have appreciated the honesty when it became too late, in the end up I sat at home for 7 weeks between week 5-7 asking/requesting she put some time in her diary for us to talk. Never happened then I asked for divorce and got blocked. I can’t prove anything 100% but mentioned a name on insta and got blocked of her insta that night 2 day before the complete wipeout, maybe I got too close to the truth?

@Ifeelsuchflutterings no I want CMS because I was transferring almost £1000 a month + lots of other things when I was home? I then received NC no explanation just a big fuck you, so then I went CMS to keep myself legally correct.
Did I do something wrong with that?

@Ifeelsuchflutterings and that )14,000 was per year not slit over 2 so not £5-600 per month but there was a lot of communication over everything

So prior to two years ago you were living with your ex, drinking heavily, checked out of your marriage, leaving her with the kids when you went down the pub.

You split and you started working away. You say that during that time you stopped drinking heavily, although you still drunk on social occasions

You got frustrated that she kept talking about your drinking, and couldn't see you werent drinking as much, but you weren't actually in the country at the time

You decide to drop everything and come back and seem frustrated that your ex didn't immediately drop her entire life she's built up whilst you were away leaving her to parent your children by herself.

You gave her a whole 7 weeks to operate to your timeline and then initiated a divorce, which is absolutely your right to do so.

Your ex understandably may have reservations around contact with the children due to your previous alcohol habits which she has not been able to witness you changing because you were not in the country. You have potentially had no regular weekly pattern of contact with the children because you were working away.

And it's pretty unclear whether you are actually paying any maintenence.

You seem to think the fact that you were paying £1000 a month makes you a good dad. And absolutely that's way better than some of the deadbeat we hear about. But the fact that this woman is willing to forego the £1000 a month, a not insignificant sum, in an effort to keep the children from seeing you tells me there is a lot more to this story.

@Ifeelsuchflutterings I went back to my original message to see if I’d not explained what I thought I had. I lost the reply I had for you, all you said is not factual and incorrect, I will be happy explain all your concerns, pm me I will send my number and talk it through.
I will not sit and Repeat-idly Defend accusations not even my ex is throwing.

There's no more need for you to discuss anything. You've got the answer. Contact a solicitor to begin contact order proceedings.

Because courts expect a parent to show that they have tried everything to sort the issues before applying to court such as mediation etc.

OP, I wouldn't recommend getting social services involved. They are already implying you are at fault by saying they want to inspect your home to see if you're suitable to have the kids when it's your ex who is behaving in an abusive manner towards the children. My DH went to hell and back with social services and his ex could do no wrong in their eyes.

@Ifeelsuchflutterings
ok here we go again

1. Yes prior to leaving the family home I personally had close bereavements that didn’t help with me seeing how my actions were damaging my family.
2. I always worked away from home, I was proud of that and through Covid we were one of the lucky family’s who regularly bought a few bags of shopping for the local food bank.
3. and again an additional to point 1. That is correct when I lost the closest people in my life, I pushed away the closest people at that point alive, I’m so glad your life is so black and white god knows I used to think mine was.
4. what I felt was bickering was years of her trying to help, it wasn’t like a light switch, when we first split, it was a few weeks after that I seen clearly through my own eyes, the pain of the close bereavements I had been consumed by in the previous 2 years had now been replaced by the realisation of my fuck up not to acknowledge my wife’s plea’s for me to talk or seek help, until you have been through that you have no idea and your derogatory comment will fall on deaf ears.
5. What give you any ground to judge oh how my ex had reservations. (TODAY) that’s the one thing that disgusts me I have not been drunk in front of the kids since the initial split, I still don’t know what hurts more is that either she hasn’t noticed the above, or is using my past as a power move.
6. Having been told our biggest problem was me not being at home enough, then giving up working and finding myself sat on my own less than 10 minutes away from my wife and kids, I slept with my wife once and she started two nights, yea you can guess I was annoyed because I thought I’d done the final thing she was asking me to change.
7. never once did I ask were or who the appointments were with because in a 10 year relationship didn’t have any concerns.
8. in our last 2 weeks when I was asked to talk 11 times and that never materialised yes I definitely became concerned.
9. I couldn’t have cared less if my ex lunched with the girls every day or went out every weekend, I encouraged her to plenty but it was alway from her, which I’ve since found to be lies, and that in itself raised major concerns why say you’re having a bath and going to bed then caught on a friend of a friend of a friend’s photo out out (several times)
10. I gave money like we were still a couple which we were, it was vocal she went NC I tried to contact an. The only response I got was a police visit, so I went legal to keep my self correct with CMS.