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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Son's dad has started to reduce how much he sees him

104 replies

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 08:33

Just looking for advice on how to deal with this.
My son is almost 5 and has Autism. He usually sees his dad for 2 to 3 nights at the weekend.
His dad used to get him either on a Friday evening or a Saturday morning and have him the rest of the weekend.
In the last month he has started taking him much less, like a day less than he used to and he's also being very vague about times and when he is taking him.
I have got used to the break and also am able to have my own life while my son is away. I am usually burnt out by the time he goes to his dads and end up just resting.
To have this free time drastically reduced is so hard to accept, yet I know I can't make or force his dad to see him.
His dad knows I need the break and is using it as a way to get to me by not taking him as much so l feel he's doing it out of spite. He could possibly be seeing someone as well, not sure.
I text every weekend and ask is he taking him and get vague answers back and I'm never given a time as to when he will be picking him up. It's always me asking and getting in touch with him. What should I do? I'm torn because apart from my son's school, I don't have any other respite other than his dad amd I hate relying on him like this. My parents are elderly so can't help out .

OP posts:
Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 08:35

There is very little you can do if a parent doesn’t want to see their child

your ex has your son every weekend?

Passerillage · 30/04/2023 08:37

Every weekend is hard. I absolutely see it's hard for you to have him all the time too. Would one week on one week off be better? I would try to find out what's working and not working.

Do you both work full time?

Original poster
Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 08:40

@Bamboozleme yes he has him every weekend from either Friday night or Sat morning and would drop him to school on Monday morning.
However the last month he is taking him on a Saturday at about 5pm and sometimes I don't even know if he's going to take him as he hardly gives me any notice and never gives a time unless I ask specifically. But yes he does take him every weekend, but he only has him now for a day and a half and I have him the other 5 amd half days so it's really not an equal arrangement

OP posts:
Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 08:42

Yes but presumably your son is at school during the week?

Mummysatthebodyshop · 30/04/2023 08:43

One weekend day and night each is fairer. Or every other weekend.

GraysPapaya · 30/04/2023 08:43

Sorry if I’ve missed it but Is there a reason it isn’t 50/50? That way he doesn’t always have him at the weekend, and then you’d feel less exhausted. Say he did Wed-Sat and then you could do sun-Wed?
The current arrangement means he can never do as he wishes at the weekend and maybe this balance would be better?

lemonyellows · 30/04/2023 08:44

Usual arrangements is every other weekend and some weekday evenings. Pre arranged times for pick up and drop off. Makes sense for everyone to have a set routine. Maybe time to talk to him and get things agreed rather than ask every week for confirmation.

Original poster
Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 08:44

@Passerillage he works full time, I'm a stay at home parent at the minute just because of my son's extra needs and sometimes need to be available to get him from school.
The dad is resentful that I don't work,( I do plan to go back to work) he is bitter as I was the one that left a couple of years ago and he thinks he is doing me a favour taking our son at weekends even though he's his dad.

OP posts:
megletthesecond · 30/04/2023 08:46

50/50 won't work with a man like that.

Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 08:47

It seems unfair for his Dad to be working full time, and have him every weekend as well. When is his down time? You presumably get all day every day when he is at school. Also, if his Dad has him every weekend, when do you get to do weekend type things with him?

It sounds like a major rethink is needed.

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 08:47

So you have all day to yourself whilst your son is at school plus the weekends

whilst you ex works full time and then has his son every weekend

unbelievable

Juiceboxxy · 30/04/2023 08:48

Every weekend is hard on him, he will never get a break from working/parenting and it's unfair.

Maybe you could do one week Friday to Monday morning and then alternative weeks he has subway night and takes him out for dinner Wednesday night .

Original poster
Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 08:50

@Bamboozleme yes he does go to school during the week. But it's just at the minute the balance is, I'm having him about 80 or 90 percent of the time and I'm exhausted from the relentlessness of it all. I'm pretty sure if he was a neurotypical child I wouldn't be finding it as difficult but his Autism makes it all so much more intense and draining.

OP posts:
MeetMyCat · 30/04/2023 08:50

Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 08:47

It seems unfair for his Dad to be working full time, and have him every weekend as well. When is his down time? You presumably get all day every day when he is at school. Also, if his Dad has him every weekend, when do you get to do weekend type things with him?

It sounds like a major rethink is needed.

This. If you’re a SAHM and your ex works full time, you are being unreasonable to expect him to have the child every weekend

Original poster
Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 08:52

@GraysPapaya I would like for it to be 50 50 but I don't think he would want to have his son half the time, as awful as it is to say, he seems to be happy seeing him for a day and a half a week.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 30/04/2023 08:54

The mental load of having a child with additional needs is exhausting mine doesn't sleep eats nothing or everything is mute or is verbally dumping every random thought everyone ever had into my ears never stops moving or just switches off and needs to be hussled into everything I've recently been to the Dr's I have a shoulder injury from walking him to school because he drags behind I've also hurt my knee and hip from walking at a twist because of it

I sympathise but I never get "down time" even when he is at school I'm trying to sort out grants activities food he will eat cleaning up his messes finding more mess

Original poster
Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 08:54

@Bamboozleme I don't have all day to myself, my son is in school until 2pm amd I have him all the rest of the day and night, so basically 5 days and nights a week.
You have no idea what my son's needs are so are in no place to judge

OP posts:
Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 08:56

Hi don’t no

but on paper - your ex works full time and then your son every weekend. When does he get “downtime”?

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 08:56

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 08:52

@GraysPapaya I would like for it to be 50 50 but I don't think he would want to have his son half the time, as awful as it is to say, he seems to be happy seeing him for a day and a half a week.

But 50/50 would be odd considering he works full time and you don’t work.

or would you go back to work full time if this was the case?

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 30/04/2023 08:58

Your ex works full time then has his son every weekend, where is his down time?

You get 7 hours every week day to have downtime or do whatever. I have two disabled kids and I don't ever get a break so I know how hard it is, but maybe go to alternative weekends so it's fair on both of you?

Original poster
Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 08:58

@Nimbostratus100 yes I agree, we need to discuss arrangements. Problem is he is unreasonable and I don't think he wants to give set times. I also don't think he wants to see him anymore than he does see him which is 2 nights, basically a day and a half a week.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 30/04/2023 08:59

Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 08:47

It seems unfair for his Dad to be working full time, and have him every weekend as well. When is his down time? You presumably get all day every day when he is at school. Also, if his Dad has him every weekend, when do you get to do weekend type things with him?

It sounds like a major rethink is needed.

you are not addressing this point op. He works full time and has his child every weekend? When does he get a break? He’s at school during the week days so you get a break then. You need to talk and come to a fair solution.

cptartapp · 30/04/2023 09:00

Tell him you'll go back to work and then split 50/50 with all the childcare and appointment juggling that would entail.
He won't.
Expect his contact to tail off sadly.

User0610139736 · 30/04/2023 09:02

It sounds very hard on you but I also think it’s not reasonable to the dad to have him every weekend, what if he does want to get into a new relationship or date? Every other weekend would be fairer and maybe one night in the week? Sit down and chat with him and say you need a fixed pattern and what would work for him

MeetMyCat · 30/04/2023 09:03

User0610139736 · 30/04/2023 09:02

It sounds very hard on you but I also think it’s not reasonable to the dad to have him every weekend, what if he does want to get into a new relationship or date? Every other weekend would be fairer and maybe one night in the week? Sit down and chat with him and say you need a fixed pattern and what would work for him

Yes, I was going to suggest EOW plus one midweek night?