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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Son's dad has started to reduce how much he sees him

104 replies

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 08:33

Just looking for advice on how to deal with this.
My son is almost 5 and has Autism. He usually sees his dad for 2 to 3 nights at the weekend.
His dad used to get him either on a Friday evening or a Saturday morning and have him the rest of the weekend.
In the last month he has started taking him much less, like a day less than he used to and he's also being very vague about times and when he is taking him.
I have got used to the break and also am able to have my own life while my son is away. I am usually burnt out by the time he goes to his dads and end up just resting.
To have this free time drastically reduced is so hard to accept, yet I know I can't make or force his dad to see him.
His dad knows I need the break and is using it as a way to get to me by not taking him as much so l feel he's doing it out of spite. He could possibly be seeing someone as well, not sure.
I text every weekend and ask is he taking him and get vague answers back and I'm never given a time as to when he will be picking him up. It's always me asking and getting in touch with him. What should I do? I'm torn because apart from my son's school, I don't have any other respite other than his dad amd I hate relying on him like this. My parents are elderly so can't help out .

OP posts:
TidyDancer · 30/04/2023 10:49

Your ex has weekday evenings free, you have weekday daytimes free. I think therefore splitting the weekends would be fair on both of you. I think you need to try to get out of the mindset that you have your DS five days straight in the week without a break because this seems to be what's causing the resentment. Perhaps you could look at the idea of your ex having DS for tea one night a week just to break it up a bit for you? But I think you do need to accept you have a lot of free time in the week because you don't work so the situation is not as you've made yourself think it is.

regenerista · 30/04/2023 10:50

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 09:07

Everyone is saying about downtime but he gets downtime every single week night. He works in an office 9 to 5. He also gets uninterrupted sleep every night which I don't.

You get downtime every single week day, when your son is in school?

SkyandSurf · 30/04/2023 10:56

onirgellep · 30/04/2023 10:29

Perhaps, the fairness or otherwise needs to be seen in terms of nights rather than days of contact

By the previous arrangement OP had 4 consecutive nights of sleep disturbance vs ex's 3 nights

By the new arrangement OP has 5 consecutive nights and ex only has 2 and she is now suffering more sleep-deprivation

If nothing else a night of contact midweek would enable the OP to have a more sustainable healthy sleep pattern

This is a good approach, the sleep issue is a big one.

I think when weighing it up it would also have to be taken into account that OP has days to herself to catch up on broken sleep, whereas DH has to be able to function at work all day.

SkyandSurf · 30/04/2023 10:59

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 09:07

Everyone is saying about downtime but he gets downtime every single week night. He works in an office 9 to 5. He also gets uninterrupted sleep every night which I don't.

He doesn't have uninterrupted sleep every night. He has uninterrupted sleep five nights, and cares for DS for two nights. Even now under the arrangement you object to.

If you were still together, it's likely the same thing would be happening as DH would be going to work and you as the SAHP would likely be the one tending to the child at night.

Especially given you don't care for DS during the day, but have a break while he's at school.

Bananarama77 · 30/04/2023 10:59

It could be that he’s seeing someone, seems possible as it’s weekends that he’s likely to be seeing her if he works full time. I do think it’s bit much that he has his soon every weekend..presumably he works 9-5 ish job then every Friday get’s his son has him all weekend then back to work Monday, given that you do have time to yourself whilst your DS is at school and every weekend seems unfair as the weekends would be the only time he gets to do anything. Also seems like the only reason you want your son gone for the weekend is so you can have time for yourself rather maybe it’s more important to be concerned about how this is affecting your DS relationship with his Father. I would suggest you have a discussion now about a more workable arrangement EOW is usually the norm otherwise it’s likely he might stop seeing his son altogether if he feels he’s getting a better offer on his weekends & that isn’t fair on your DS

SkyandSurf · 30/04/2023 11:02

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 09:37

@Gymmum82 I never looked at it that way, I think I just got used to the break and am finding it hard to accept he has reduced it and also a hit hurt that he doesn't seem to want to see his son as much anymore

I see how you feel that way - but you also don't want to see DS as much as you do.

It sounds like you're both trying to reduce your own contact with him, for understandable reasons- carer burn out is real. But I don't think you should judge him harshly for it when youre essentially also wanting to see less of your DS.

If you don't want to see him Saturday or Sunday, and then he's in school all week- you're not spending a whole day with him at all in the week but you're expecting DH to.

dottiedodah · 30/04/2023 11:02

I think as others have said here that every WE is a lot TBH.He is working FT and will be tired at WE I think .You as well of course .He may have met someone or is hoping to . Either way seems a bit top heavy his way.Maybe if you suggest EOW for now and a night in the week?

myheartmyhead · 30/04/2023 11:10

This poor kid, sounds like neither of you want him!

heidiwine · 30/04/2023 11:23

Honestly all this never get a break stuff is painful. Your original post says your son is sad he isn’t seeing as much of his dad as he used to and his dad is reducing contact from all weekend to Saturday night - Monday morning.
Speak to his dad - with a neutral third party if necessary - and be prepared to compromise on every weekend. I’d split the weekends fri/sat and sat/sun and then have one or two days a week from after work to school drop off. Your son will have the certainty of refusal contact, you and your ex will have a break every weekend and maintain a life (seeing friends, going out, dating etc) while also having the responsibility of the weekly grind incl contact with school etc.
I don’t get why this is so hard for two adults.

Thinkwicebeforeyouleavemylife · 30/04/2023 11:29

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 09:13

@Purplecatshopaholic how is it fair though if I'm having him 5 and half days a week, and his dad has him a day and a half?

If you lived together with your ex, you'd be taking care of your son more anyway since you are a SAHM and the ex works. I don't really see why that's difficult to understand? 50 50 wouldn't be happening if you all lived together, you aren't working so it's absolutely right and fair that you take on more of the childcare. That's how it works. I'm presuming your ex pays maintenance?

alyceflowers · 30/04/2023 11:42

I think I'd propose a fixed schedule to your ex.

Every Wednesday night he collects from school (or from you after work) and drops back on Thursday morning.
And then either 1 day and night every weekend OR the whole weekend every other weekend.

Lampzade · 30/04/2023 11:55

You are being unfair.
EOW is fine

sparklelikeadiamond · 30/04/2023 12:05

I think you’re unreasonable. Get a job and split things 50/50

Nachobowls · 30/04/2023 12:13

Eow is fine. I get no nights off. I would kill for eow, do you not want to spend quality time with him? You should also have a weekend to spend with your son most mums want a weekend so they can spend quality time with their kids as its the same during the week.

cadburyegg · 30/04/2023 12:29

OP your expectations are unrealistic, it's not reasonable to expect your ex to have your dc every weekend if he has been working all week.

What is reasonable though is wanting a consistent and regular pattern. Assuming your ex isn't a shift worker. Can you discuss him doing EOW and one night a week to start with?

If it helps, I'm a single mum of an 8yo and 5yo and get 2/3 nights off a month, when my ex can be bothered, and doesn't usually give me much notice, so I can never plan anything. I work almost full time too, so usually I'm either working or in charge of the kids.

I'd love EOW and one evening off a week, but I try not to focus much on "not getting a break" and I advise you to do the same. It'll just make you resentful of your dc.

onirgellep · 30/04/2023 13:14

EOW isn't 'fine'

IMO it doesn't work fairly with a ND 5 yr old who doesn't sleep

EOW with a midweek overnight contact it would still mean 7 consecutive nights of disturbed sleep for the OP

Without midweek contact that's 10 days of sleep-deprivation for her

She's already struggling with 4-5 days in a row

A split weekend plus midweek contact as various PP have described above is fairest for sleep and free-time for both parents

nakeklak · 30/04/2023 13:31

Passerillage · 30/04/2023 08:37

Every weekend is hard. I absolutely see it's hard for you to have him all the time too. Would one week on one week off be better? I would try to find out what's working and not working.

Do you both work full time?

It's hard to see/ care for you're children every weekend?! It's hard to care for them 24/7 for the mother but she doesn't get to pick and choose because she's a parent, as if the father. God, what a shot attitude, perpetuating the misogynistic parenting norms

MeetMyCat · 30/04/2023 13:33

@onirgellep broken sleep when you work full time is very different to broken sleep when you don't work at all.

nakeklak · 30/04/2023 13:33

The attitude on this thread is unbelievable, I'm shocked

Justbecause19 · 30/04/2023 17:35

I have an ASD son so I understand how challenging it is, but I don't think the arrangement is too off. I would request a midweek overnight, this would give you a chance to recharge a bit. Then keeping weekends shared as they are would enable both of you to have a break. Obviously it would be nice to have a full weekend to yourself each, but with your sons care needs they need to be split for restpite.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/04/2023 17:57

nakeklak · 30/04/2023 13:31

It's hard to see/ care for you're children every weekend?! It's hard to care for them 24/7 for the mother but she doesn't get to pick and choose because she's a parent, as if the father. God, what a shot attitude, perpetuating the misogynistic parenting norms

Show quote history

Only 24/7 if you forget he’s at school 5 days a week and she isn’t working during that time. And she’s had every weekend off.

Nothing sexist about maths.

Crazycrazylady · 30/04/2023 18:04

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 08:52

@GraysPapaya I would like for it to be 50 50 but I don't think he would want to have his son half the time, as awful as it is to say, he seems to be happy seeing him for a day and a half a week.

Honestly your son ia in school and with your ex all weekend every weekend and your exhausted from the relentlessness of it all even though you don't work.
Give me strength

HauntedPencil · 30/04/2023 20:05

It does sound like an every other weekend and the alternative week night or the arrangement a previous poster suggested.

With time and him possibly moving on I expect he is seeing people going out at weekends and so you'd possibly get to have more contact for him if you'd be flexible. One weekend each time totally off two split and some kind of workable week contact sounds like it migbt be the way to go.

Greenfree · 30/04/2023 20:15

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 09:37

@Gymmum82 I never looked at it that way, I think I just got used to the break and am finding it hard to accept he has reduced it and also a hit hurt that he doesn't seem to want to see his son as much anymore

I can see why he may want to have some weekend time to himself, especially if he is dating someone. Could you arrange for him to have him every other weekend and then 1 night during the week maybe?

InceyWinceySpidy · 30/04/2023 20:19

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 08:50

@Bamboozleme yes he does go to school during the week. But it's just at the minute the balance is, I'm having him about 80 or 90 percent of the time and I'm exhausted from the relentlessness of it all. I'm pretty sure if he was a neurotypical child I wouldn't be finding it as difficult but his Autism makes it all so much more intense and draining.

But you're not though, are you.

You don't have him all day because he's at school. Even if that is until 2pm. That's only an hour earlier pick up than normal. Then he goes to his dad's all weekend, he's been picking him up Fridays, then taking him to school Monday morning. You actually have him for breakfast and the school run 4 days a week, and after school till bed, 4 days a week. And you don't work.

Your ex has been taking him from Friday evening, all day Saturday, all day Sunday, then the breakfast and school run on a Monday, whilst holding down a full time job as well.

And you're complaining that you're not getting enough of a break? No wonder ex is reducing his contact time.

You genuinely sound ridiculous in suggesting he's the one having it easiest. I don't mean that in an accusatory sense, just that I genuinely don't think you can even see how ridiculous this is.

My eldest has special needs. I know that's an additional dimension to parenting that passes so many by, but even taking this into account, you really are being unreasonable.

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