Son's dad has started to reduce how much he sees him

[Forgetmenot51]

Just looking for advice on how to deal with this.
My son is almost 5 and has Autism. He usually sees his dad for 2 to 3 nights at the weekend.
His dad used to get him either on a Friday evening or a Saturday morning and have him the rest of the weekend.
In the last month he has started taking him much less, like a day less than he used to and he's also being very vague about times and when he is taking him.
I have got used to the break and also am able to have my own life while my son is away. I am usually burnt out by the time he goes to his dads and end up just resting.
To have this free time drastically reduced is so hard to accept, yet I know I can't make or force his dad to see him.
His dad knows I need the break and is using it as a way to get to me by not taking him as much so l feel he's doing it out of spite. He could possibly be seeing someone as well, not sure.
I text every weekend and ask is he taking him and get vague answers back and I'm never given a time as to when he will be picking him up. It's always me asking and getting in touch with him. What should I do? I'm torn because apart from my son's school, I don't have any other respite other than his dad amd I hate relying on him like this. My parents are elderly so can't help out .

Or as a pp has suggested you could put to him 2 weekend with his dad then one with you.

I think it could actually benefit you too as surely better for you to be clear when his dad is having him and when he’s not. You need to get into a sustainable pattern then you can also make plans for when you’ve got him to try and make it a bit easier for you. The uncertainty must be horrible for you and your son.

Every evening after work, full nights sleep too I expect. When does op get that break? Childs at school for a few hours which is when moms of Sen children usually use to get on top of any chores, catch up on the sleep we don't get especially when you have a neurodiverse child who has sleep issues etc. bringing up an ASD child is relentless!. I'm a mother to a teen ASD and grandmother to a profoundly ASD child. My adult dd even has to time her toilet breaks to coincide with her child's naps because he's just constantly biting himself, head butting floors, eating anything he finds whether it's carpet, wallpaper absolutely anything, he will eat the contents of his nappy, climbs and throws himself off anything he can find, he's pulled his own teeth out (he's 4). She's on 24/7 alert and gets around 3 hours sleep a night. When he goes to school for the 4 hours he's getting atm she sleeps, gets done housework done, eats.

Unless you have experience of bringing up a child with SEN you have no idea!.

Op I hope things work out for you. I have no advice regarding your ex. Unfortunately you can't make him take his child more. He's morally wrong. Best of luck

I also agree YABU sorry - you have every day 9-2 and whilst having a child with needs is undoubtedly hard you don't work and then have/want every weekend free

@Gymmum82 I never looked at it that way, I think I just got used to the break and am finding it hard to accept he has reduced it and also a hit hurt that he doesn't seem to want to see his son as much anymore

I think it's fair for him to want one evening and day to relax and get jobs done, particularly if you're getting every week day to yourself.
I'm also a SAHM so I do understand school days feel short though! Why does he finish at 2pm?
Perhaps try and set 5pm Saturday as the new time as then at least you'd know where you stand.

this is boggling my mind. If they were still together the dad would’nt get downtime, he’d be with his son all the time! He has every evening free in the week for downtime! He’s reducing contact with his son and everyone’s like oh poor overworked dad while op is struggling with a child with additional needs. Mind blown. We don’t expect much from men do we? Op don’t ask him if he’s taking HIS son, just assume. ‘So you’ll pick him up Friday at 6 and bring back Sunday at 10 then.’ He doesn’t get to opt out of parenting because you’re separated. Though it seems there are many posters who think that’s ok. Weird.

Yes, this is how I see it.

Op, you work 2pm-10pm looking after your child during the week. Your ex works 9-5pm. So you both have 4-6 hours of free time during the week.

If your ex is currently looking after his child EVERY weekend (or even a day and a half every weekend), then he is working more than you and it is an unequal arrangement. You should each be one weekend on and one weekend off.

Op, I know what it's like to feel utterly overwhelmed. I think this is where your at, which is why your being so defensive.

I think cutting yourself some slack would be a good start. Looking after children full stop is hard work and when you feel alone in it, it's even harder. You can feel like your drowning and your projecting your feelings onto your ex.

I'd like you to do something to help you see clearly.

Put yourself first for a couple of days.

1. Take DC to school and go home and get back in bed. The other stuff can wait. Trying to find solutions amid exhaustion will never work.
2. Look into building a support system. You say your parents are too elderly to help? Maybe they can't with childcare, but would they be willing to help you maintain your home? Bit of light cleaning or some loads of laundry, that kind of thing that could take the pressure off? If she could my nan would do my washing for me like a shot, but she could never have run around with my DC (very elderly and immobile now though)
3. Appliances that could help? A dishwasher maybe?
4. Friends, would they be willing to help?

PP above are right that it's not fair for your ex to have DC every weekend. Ultimately you need to speak to him and find something that works. But you can only do this coming from a balanced view and to have a balanced view you need more support than just your ex.

This!!

Divorced parents & childcare baffles me in this country. A lot of other European countries literally have 50/50 - one week on, one week off - as a basic minimum, regardless of who works FT/PT/not at all. We really expect less of men here!

The issue is that all his non working time is caring for your son, he needs a bit of a break too, far better that he has one or two nights in the week (say at least from 7pm and drop at school then every other weekend. You do get a break when he's at school, your ex dp gets none at all if he does Friday to Monday

Ps my dd is autistic, I get it, but the answer is he has him a night or two in the week and possibly you go back to work, not you get the weekend off. Sorry if we are siding with your ex but it was unreasonable to expect him to have no non work daytime off ever, what if he needs to go shopping, get a haircut etc?

The fact that the father works full time, but the OP doesn’t work at all, has a huge bearing on this. But the OP doesn’t see that

And OP gets a break every week day when her DS is at school and she also wants every weekend off.

I can understand she feels burnt out, but their arrangement is not fair.

I do think that you need a formal agreement in place though. It is no good for you or your child to not know when he’s going to be collected or what days you’re going to have to yourself. Particularly with ASD who usually need to know in advance what’s happening.
If you cannot communicate effectively with your ex then mediation should be considered. Either with a view to every other weekend plus 1 night a week. Or 50/50. Or one full day and overnight at the weekend plus one or 2 evenings in the week. You need to come up with an arrangement that works for both of you and not the constant texts of ‘when are you coming?’
Im assuming (though I could be incorrect) that as you are not working he is paying maintenance for the child so you may need to consider that if he does have 50/50 he will not have to pay you anything.

@Gymmum82 excellent post

Op it sounds really tough. I have two kids with asd / adhd and pda syndrome. The oldest one is fairly easy but the younger one was often still awake at 3am and because of high impulsivity levels would wake me at 1am, 2am, 3am because she wanted a glass of water / cuddle / iPad (obviously not allowed). If I say no to her demands she’d kick me or scratch me and she is now almost bigger than me. Fortunately she is improving at night - largely due to a prescription of melatonin.

I don’t work either but during the day have calls from both schools, still have to coordinate school activities even though they’re secondary school, deal with two psychologists, make appointments, speech therapists, EHCP appointments, online courses for me. Plus the usual housework, shopping, cooking. I know that people probably think I do nothing and have plenty of time to myself, which I find really upsetting.

So I can see both sides. Fwiw I had a senior job, worked 12 to 14 hours a day and found that easier than being a sahp to two neurodivergent kids. My exh rarely has dc for more than 3 hours a week but also believes I’m lazy because I’m a sahp. Thankfully with melatonin I’m at least getting a good nights sleep now.

I agree with the majority. The current arrangement isnt fair on the father.

you say he is unreasonable, so why
not approach it from a position of making it better for him.

you've realised that he never gets a day to himself, so he must be feeling ground down. let’s rework the schedule so you both get time alone and there is the needed routine and stability for the child.

first contact child services re: respite. Then suggest to your ex 50/50 with equal time at weekends first. Then if he disagrees, move to time that spans the weekdays and the weekend. He can do school drop off and pick up or arrange childcare, then have time at the weekend. Ask for his input but that still gives a day free for both of you and the child knows the routine.

Just want to say thank you to everyone who replied to my post, there is some great advice on it. It's also good to get an objective view on it and obvs most people seem to think I shouldn't expect his dad to have him the entire weekend every week.
I get that his dad may want a Friday night and Saturday to himself , I think I'm just worn out from the 5 days and nights straight that I have him. Also he's only taking him one full day which is Sunday , he gets him on a Saturday at 5 but the day is practically gone then. I'm just thinking how am I going to date or have a life if I have my son constantly, I can't get out during the week in the evenings if I'm dating etc. And if I only have Sunday to myself, then I'm just going to want to relax and decompress, I won't want to go out anywhere or do anything

I'm not surprised the current ad-hoc arrangements plus your ex was having your DS all weekend every weekend was not working.

You need to put in place a regular and fair to both of you contact schedule, and stick to it.

An agreement like: DS goes to dad every other weekend for the whole weekend plus one night during the week (perhaps Wednesdays as mid-week), would be a good outcome for all.

Perhaps, the fairness or otherwise needs to be seen in terms of nights rather than days of contact

By the previous arrangement OP had 4 consecutive nights of sleep disturbance vs ex's 3 nights

By the new arrangement OP has 5 consecutive nights and ex only has 2 and she is now suffering more sleep-deprivation

If nothing else a night of contact midweek would enable the OP to have a more sustainable healthy sleep pattern

X-post with OP

No it isnt.

there Are 168 hours in a week. His dad takes him for 38hours that’s 22%

say school is 25 hours a week that’s 15%

so you have him about 65% of the time.

and you don’t work - he works.

I guess he's entitled to have a weekend or part of the weekend to himself too, assuming he's at work in the week.

I think you need to sit down with him and come to an arrangement that suits you both and he can stick to it. It's not fair on your son otherwise.

Sorry - posted too soon.

I understand it must be exhausting. Bit could you use his time at school to do a new activity - go for a swim, meet friends for coffee. 8:30 to 2pm is a long time to be alone every day. I understand weekends are precious and more fun, but you do have quite a bit of alone time.

You could date on Saturday and Sunday nights and relax and decompress on the Sunday during the day.

You could also relax in the mornings during the week- you have at least five childfree hours a day- more on a Monday as DH does the drop off.

By the same logic you could ask when DH gets a chance to date? Or get a haircut or go to the dentist or clean his own house etc? If you created a spreadsheet with every hour of the week on it for each of you, you would see that you currently get far more downtime than he does.

You deserve it, SEN parenting is hard. But I think you need to work out an arrangement that's predictable and gives everyone some downtime.