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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Son's dad has started to reduce how much he sees him

104 replies

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 08:33

Just looking for advice on how to deal with this.
My son is almost 5 and has Autism. He usually sees his dad for 2 to 3 nights at the weekend.
His dad used to get him either on a Friday evening or a Saturday morning and have him the rest of the weekend.
In the last month he has started taking him much less, like a day less than he used to and he's also being very vague about times and when he is taking him.
I have got used to the break and also am able to have my own life while my son is away. I am usually burnt out by the time he goes to his dads and end up just resting.
To have this free time drastically reduced is so hard to accept, yet I know I can't make or force his dad to see him.
His dad knows I need the break and is using it as a way to get to me by not taking him as much so l feel he's doing it out of spite. He could possibly be seeing someone as well, not sure.
I text every weekend and ask is he taking him and get vague answers back and I'm never given a time as to when he will be picking him up. It's always me asking and getting in touch with him. What should I do? I'm torn because apart from my son's school, I don't have any other respite other than his dad amd I hate relying on him like this. My parents are elderly so can't help out .

OP posts:
Original poster
Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 09:04

He's not actually having him all weekend now, he has reduced it by a day and is taking him late on a Saturday afternoon at about 4 or 5pm and then takes him to school on a Monday, then doesn't see him again till the following Saturday.
Its the balance of it that I have a problem with, it's working out I have him like 85 percent of the time.

OP posts:
MeetMyCat · 30/04/2023 09:06

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 09:04

He's not actually having him all weekend now, he has reduced it by a day and is taking him late on a Saturday afternoon at about 4 or 5pm and then takes him to school on a Monday, then doesn't see him again till the following Saturday.
Its the balance of it that I have a problem with, it's working out I have him like 85 percent of the time.

I’m not surprised he has reduced his weekend contact, he probably needs a break

helpmyskinplease · 30/04/2023 09:07

So if you accept that your ex having him all weekend and working the rest of the time is unfair on your ex, what arrangement would you like to have and would think fair?

Original poster
Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 09:07

Everyone is saying about downtime but he gets downtime every single week night. He works in an office 9 to 5. He also gets uninterrupted sleep every night which I don't.

OP posts:
milkysmum · 30/04/2023 09:08

I think he is seeing him a lot actually, even with the recent reduction. It would be more usual to have an every other weekend arrangement and possibly a mid week. Courts would not favour 50/50 in most situations, it's not in the best interest of the child.
If you are not working and your child is at school, you do have time for yourself. Your ex having him every full weekend is not really reasonable ( and I say that as a single parent whose children's father has no contact, so I have my children 100% of the time)

helpmyskinplease · 30/04/2023 09:08

So what arrangement would you like?

Original poster
Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 09:09

He doesn't see his son at all during the week so he also all that time away from him

OP posts:
MyTruthIsOut · 30/04/2023 09:10

what would be your ideal scenario OP?

Realistically how do you envisage 50/50 working when you ex works full time? How would your son get to school and whi would pick him up at 2pm every day? Or would you still do that and then his dad would pick him up from yours for an overnight stay?

My parents are divorced and when I was younger I lived with my mum and went to my dad’s house for the weekends. It would be two weekends on and then one weekend off. I always thought this fair as my dad still needed some down time / free time to see his friends at the weekends, and be able to go out and do his hobbies etc.

I do understand your point, but the Ex also needs some time to himself when he works full time as well.

Hence why I was wondering what your ideal set-up would be?

strawberryfluff · 30/04/2023 09:10

Suggest mediation to get a fixed routine in place

Original poster
Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 09:13

@Purplecatshopaholic how is it fair though if I'm having him 5 and half days a week, and his dad has him a day and a half?

OP posts:
Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 09:14

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 09:04

He's not actually having him all weekend now, he has reduced it by a day and is taking him late on a Saturday afternoon at about 4 or 5pm and then takes him to school on a Monday, then doesn't see him again till the following Saturday.
Its the balance of it that I have a problem with, it's working out I have him like 85 percent of the time.

And he works 100% and you work 0%

Gymmum82 · 30/04/2023 09:14

I don’t think every weekend is fair. He works full time. If he has his child every weekend when does he get chance to have a life? Go out for a drink with friends? It’s not the same as after work. You’re tired after work. The child is in school so you get 6 hours a day rest and time away.
Either every other weekend plus one night a week or 50/50 would be much fairer for everyone

mischlerischler · 30/04/2023 09:18

Sorry, but YABU

He is working full time, he is probably also feeling burnt out if he has DS every weekend.

I think your point of him having break in the evening is not fair as you also get a break when your son is at school (as you should).

I think your arrangement is not working for either one of you. You should alternate weekends and he should have additional weekday evening.

TheCraicDealer · 30/04/2023 09:19

I’ve known two men who have had the whole-weekend arrangement initially after splitting and it’s never worked out. They both realised that after working FT during the week they never had a weekend day to get stuff done or socialise or whatever, and resented the ex for it. This was compounded when they got a new partner.

I do think you need to accept that whilst every weekend was a great deal (and yes you may have broken sleep but during the school year you have ample time to nap in the day for an hour or two), those days are over. Perhaps re-enforcing that DC needs routine and suggesting a midweek night and Saturday night would mean he’d stick to the regime rather than flip-flopping.

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 09:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bamboozleme · 30/04/2023 09:21

Oh good heavens OP

ok ignore all of what we’re saying 🙄

but the overwhelming consensus is that YABU

JamHam · 30/04/2023 09:22

But you get 6 hours every week day when your child is in school. Your ex is working all that time.

RedHelenB · 30/04/2023 09:24

Forgetmenot51 · 30/04/2023 08:52

@GraysPapaya I would like for it to be 50 50 but I don't think he would want to have his son half the time, as awful as it is to say, he seems to be happy seeing him for a day and a half a week.

Stick with the day and a half but firm up drop off and pick up times. And if you're a sahm to a school aged child then I think you have thw time to look for part time work.

bamboonights · 30/04/2023 09:25

Here's what worked for me drawn up over a monthly basis:

Weekend 1: Split the weekend
Weekend 2: Dc with mum all weekend
Weekend 3: Split the weekend
Weekend 4: Dc with dad all weekend
Dc with dad Mon night/Tue morning after school following mums long weekend.
With mum rest of weekdays.

It gives both parents a full weekend with the children and both time off but does need the full cooperation of both parents.

Cc1998 · 30/04/2023 09:26

This thread makes me so sad. You only see your son 2pm - bedtime during the week and everyone is arguing about who has to have him at the weekend? Poor kid :(

Gymmum82 · 30/04/2023 09:26

You’re essentially equal during the week as he gets his evenings but works full time and you get all the time your child is at school (essentially the same as his evening breaks) but your ‘job’ is looking after the child.
So the only time you’re not equal is weekends in which you expect him to have the child for all of it. This is unfair, yet despite everyone telling you it’s unfair you can’t see it

Peppapigboresme · 30/04/2023 09:28

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns about this thread, so we've agreed to take it down.

quietnightmare · 30/04/2023 09:30

You had it made with your child in school until 2pm and then every weekend off for your precious downtime. The dad has obviously seen the light and who knows is run into the ground.

Stop making it all about you and be realistic

EOW and one night in the week for overnights. Could even suggest he sees his child on another evening in the week for an activity/tea and drops back to you.

You are not working, don't be one of these woman who want the dad to look after their child while working full time JUST so you can get downtime. Remember downtime is only something in separated families it doesn't exist in many family dynamics, especially when one parent is useless, works away/abroad, in the military etc.

Put your child first not your needs and come to a decent arrangement that allows ALL involved to have quality time and also respite

User0610139736 · 30/04/2023 09:33

But that’s still 2 nights a week, so could be argued it’s 25-30% that he has him, not 10%

Rosula · 30/04/2023 09:35

Ask your local Children's Social Services for a formal care assessment under section 17 Children Act 1989. Your son qualifies for this because, as.a child with a disability, he is a child in need, and they have to do the assessment. Talk to them very frankly about your difficulties and say you desperately need respite care. They will certainly talk to your ex about this and may be able to shame him into some sort of commitment, but if not you need to keep pushing for help.