Didn’t settle at FDR

[Sadandbroken1]

Feeling so gutted. Had our FDR. The Judge’s indication was close to my offer made in advance of the FDR. I then moved to offer what the judge had indicated. STBXH didn’t budge at all (his position very different to mine and the judge’s). So we didn’t settle. I’m absolutely gutted. We are still in the home where for the last 18 months he has completely ignored me even in front of our primary age kids. I feel completely broken. A final hearing will be months away.

What are the main stumbling blocks and how far disconnected are you ?

I had offered 50-50 split of assets, no spousal maintenance. Judge said 55-45, no spousal maintenance, so I them offered that. He wants that plus £6000/month spousal maintenance.

Is that a typo or is £6000/month the right figure?

Yes, that’s the right figure. I’m the higher earner but that’s about half my net income. He works and has always worked, earns around £45k a year.

I know he is being ridiculous (hence the judge’s indication) but I feel really guilty his standard of living will drop (though we have never spent anything like that and have savings). He’s been horrible to me but I just feel so greedy arguing about money like this.

I'm sorry to hear this it's really ridiculous isn't it. My oh wouldn't budge either and in the end I got 70\30 when I was only asking for 60/40 as the judge said he was basically a huge tosser taking up legal time and taught him a lesson.

i remember your other thread
hold you’re nerve
he will never be awarded that

and he may find that by dragging it out he ends up with less. Anecdotally I know one lady who pushed for more and more ( her ex offered 70:30 plus snsll spousal for few years) she wanted more and more - when it went to final hearing she was awarded 60:40 and no spousal, less than her ex offered to start with

solidarity op. I’ve just had the same, fdr judge indicated v close to what we offered, we reduced offer to what she said. He wouldn’t move his offer at all during the entire day. She told him again it was too low and still nothing. I had desperately wanted an end to this and some certainty and it’s now going to be another 6m plus.

have you given an open offer? We have issued ours as open in the hope of claiming costs of trial.

Stay strong op

6k a month! You know perhaps it is his lawyers encouraging him to
hold out!

The fact that he has blanked you in the marital home for 18 months tells me that you are going to be well rid of him!!

who will get the house? And why has neither of you moved out yet?

I am in a similar position.

exH pushed for (then dragged his heels and kept postponing) a private FDR.

judge was fair and even handed. We didn’t manage to agree on the day, and the only communication I have had from him since is to go back on what progress we had made. I replied, with a compromise, but he has blanked that.

he has dragged this divorce out for over 5 years already, and it is beyond ridiculous now. I would hope that any future judge would take a very dim view of his behaviour.

Your ex and his solicitors obviously haven't received the memo that the courts don't reward scroungers anymore. Took my ex-wife and her solicitors a while to get that memo too!

He doesn’t have solicitors, he’s doing it himself…

He’s trying to break you and take you to the cleaners

Haven't read your other thread. If you're on a comfortable income, what's stopping you from moving out in the interim with the kids? Anything to do with residence/fear he'll thrash the place?

I’m so sorry to hear this. And he’s not even incurring costs as self representing so no incentive to settle. I’m waiting for the FDR and have high hopes, having offered him so, so much in the past and all offers being ignored (although he is represented but I think his solicitor is a moron).

What’s stopping you from moving out in the interim? Do you have legal advice? I moved out and paid towards the mortgage but not bills until the house sold. I was warned not to leave the house but once it was on the market my solicitor said it was ok to move and wouldn’t be held against me in court.

Also…how are you the one feeling greedy, here? Yes there’s an element of him supporting you to build your career (I assume) but you’re sharing assets which I also assume to be significant. I believe he would have to demonstrate his undue hardship in order to get awarded maintenance.

You should never assume the weaker financial party supported the other spouse in building a career because that is exceptionally rare these days. In this particular case the husband earns £45k and the chances are they've had their own career uninterrupted whilst the OP has, for example, funded childcare from their significant earnings. This is almost always the real story in divorces where one spouse is a much higher earner.

At the other end of the scale, neither parent can normally afford to give up work. It's only in the middle where this might have happened and even then it is often the case that one spouse never had a career to sacrifice in the first place and only stopped working because childcare cost more than they could earn. Even in those situations you can never be sure what they have done beyond a bare minimum and it is not uncommon these days for one spouse to have to do most of the housework as well as most of the earning, especially in divorces (because why would you stay married to a lazy spouse?)

Yes I do agree and I am that person who did everything, worked my socks off while he swanned around carefree and of course the truth is I enabled HIS career. But in court he’d say he enabled the career building. It becomes his word against yours and the assumption may well be that he took on the lion share of the workload at home. The judge won’t be interested in the detail.

My point is, OP is not quibbling about the sharing of assets which presumably allows him to rehouse adequately with a small mortgage. She’s not being greedy.

Op. Don't be tempered to bend ever more. This is what he wants to be so awkward that he wears you down.
I suggest acting relatively happy and if he tried to bring anything up just use the refrain ' let's just let the court decide' over and over .
You will be free of him in a couple of months. You can do this!

This is obviously ridiculous. When you said he had no solicitor then I understood.

Im divorcing my husband, for the first six months he wouldn’t use a solicitor. His demands and behaviour were very poor.

Then he finally decided to get a solicitor who obviously explained what’s what, what he can do and what he can’t. His behaviour and expectations have improved. I’m sure his solicitor told him 50/50 in our case was expected. I know he is now trying to undervalue the pot we own, but before that he was insisting he should have more, simply because he has always indulged himself more than me.

Im going to suggest something really unusual, and it may not be something you can consider. But what about offering to pay upfront for him to have a solicitor? From the sounds of it you have the income, £6k would cover most fees in a not too acrimonious divorce. From the sounds of it, it will be acrimonious, but £6k might be enough to get some sense of reality knocked into him. If not that then offer to pay for a two hour first consultation if he insists doing it alone.

when my husband wasn’t using a solicitor, I had to use mine more to reply to a lot of his erroneous questions and queries.

Suggest he choose a solicitor and you will pay an amount, upfront direct to that solicitor. Yes he could use that in a frivolous way, but he really really needs someone to bring him back to reality.

Ive done the house sharing with an antagonistic partner and it nearly broke me.

My ex used to have a phrase ‘let’s pay our way out of trouble’ and although I don’t agree with this philosophy at all, I have done this a couple of times during this divorce.

Best of luck

He will have to pay your costs if he's not awarded more (when)... That'll teach him! Don't budge. It'll be more and more otherwise. Few months and you'll be proved reasonable.

Watching this with interest as awaiting FDR also. Is there really a chance the ex could be made to pay OPs costs?

Watching too.
What is the length of time between a FDR and final hearing? Our FDR is mid August, so I was hoping we’d be done and dusted by the time the year is out….

Just to update…We’ve exchanged open offers. I have offered what the Judge said at the FDR (55-45% split, with him having the bigger share). His offer is for him to have 65% (me 35%) plus me to pay him maintenance of £6000 a month for 5 years and £3000 after that until the kids are 18 (basically another 10 years).

I’m gutted that this is his offer. It basically means he can keep the house with a small mortgage (about £100k) plus have savings of about £100k and a lot of maintenance from me (plus his own income £32k).

I worked so hard for the house deposit and to pay the mortgage (whilst also doing the majority of childcare), so it hurts to think I could have so little to show for it.

The only justification given is that I earn more (but we have worth always worked full time aside from 2 years when I was on maternity leave, but continued to contribute financially from my savings) and can borrow more so can buy another house.

Anyone have any thoughts/support? I don’t want to be unreasonable and really want to settle, but this feels like too much.

I agree with this. It is easy for us to say as we do not have to live in the same house as him, but he knows how desperate you are to come to an agreement that he is just doing everything he can to break you.

Please do not agree. You know what the judge saw as fair - he is there to uphold what is fair

Considering he has the ability to earn his own money he is asking for a lot! I don’t think that he can be expected to live in the lifestyle he has become accustomed to when he has shown he is capable of earning his own money!!

what will happen next? Please don’t back down to him